Original subtitles

Oh, you characters.

So anyhow, we went down to Miami and asked the real estate man to show us our

lot. He pointed out in the bay and he said, you see that rowboat?

It's anchored on your lot.

We thought we were going to be millionaires.

Oh, here's Lucy.

Well, it's about time. Let's go.

Flo, I'm sorry, I'm not ready yet.

Well, honey, Mrs.

Stromboli's with little Ricky. Let's go. Honey, it'll only be a minute. My nails

aren't dry.

But I'm hungry.

Come on, now, sit down.

Tell another story, Fred.

Oh, well, all right.

Rick, did I ever tell you what happened to Ethel and me on our honeymoon?

Not lately.

Did I tell you, Lucy?

Yes.

I was there.

Speaking of funny things that happen to people, Lucy, you remember the

musicians' picnic last Fourth of July? Oh, what a day that was. What happened?

Oh, well.

I'll tell it there. Oh, okay.

The musicians' local was having a picnic, see?

It was for charity. You know, you paid so much money and half of it went for

charity and half of it went for the picnic. That's right.

And all the boys in the band wanted to go.

So Marco and Alberto and Pepin and Joe Jokel and Ralph, everybody was going

there. So we left about 10 o 'clock. It was 12 o 'clock.

No, dear, it was 10 o 'clock. No, honey, it was 12 o 'clock.

Well, what's the difference?

Two hours.

I'm into the story. It doesn't make any difference. Yes, it does, dear. That's

the reason we were late. That's why... Well, it's your story. Go ahead.

Thank you.

Well, we got to the picnic. Don't forget about the cars. What was that?

I said, don't forget about the cars, dear.

Oh, the cars. Yeah, that's right.

We took three cars.

Lucy and I were in the first car.

Pepin was in the second car. Marco was in the last car. Oh, honey, you're

ruining everything.

Would you like to tell the story? No, dear, you're the storyteller in the

family, but I just want you to get it right.

Now, Pepin was in the first car, Marco was in the second, and we were in the

last. Maybe Pepin was in the first car, and you were in the second, and Marco

was in the last.

only combination left.

Okay, I take it all back.

We all took the same bus.

Coward.

Anyway, we got to the picnic grounds about two o 'clock.

Don't look at me. I'm not going to say anything more.

Good. I'm not going to tell you what you left out.

We got to the picnic grounds about... What did I leave out?

Nothing. Go on with the story.

Well, it feels like there's something missing there someplace.

You sure?

Positive. All right. Well, we spread the food out, and it started to rain. Oh,

it poured.

So we took everything, and we ran to the cars.

And then when we got there... Yeah, yeah, what happened?

What's the matter, Ricky?

What did I leave out?

Nothing. I was just kidding you. Now go on. Well, I'm telling you, it feels like

there's something missing there someplace.

Oh, what's the difference? Go on and finish it.

Well... Oh, the heck with it. It's not funny anymore. Come on, let's go and

dinner. All right, my nails are dry now. Let's go to that place on 45th Street.

Oh, I hear they have wonderful steaks. Well, I don't particularly feel like a

steak. Steak sounds wonderful. We'll go there.

Now, wait just a minute, Lucy.

What's the matter?

Well, I... I just had about enough of this.

First, you keep everybody waiting while you're fixing your nails. Then you keep

interrupting me while I'm telling the story. And now you decide all by

where we're going to eat dinner because you want a steak.

Well, Ricky... Well, I don't feel like eating steak tonight. I want to eat

spaghetti tonight.

Well, maybe... So are we going to eat spaghetti?

Yes, sir.

And the next time that I tell a story, you stay out of it.

Yes, sir.

And be on time from now on or we're going to go without you.

Yes, sir.

We're going to run this house like we do in Cuba, where the man is the master

and the woman does what she's told.

Si, senor.

And don't get smart.

Now go get your coat.

I don't know what happened to you.

It just sunk in.

I don't know how you treat your women in Cuba, but this is the United States,

and I have my right.

I have not argument about women's right.

I am the first one to agree that women should have all the rights they want, as

long as they stay in their place.

Oh,

you're just as bad as he is, Fred.

You men tell us that we have equal rights, but you certainly don't give us

chance to act like it. What do you want?

You've got the vote?

You wear pants.

You drive buses.

You rustle.

You go every place you please except the steam room in the YMCA.

That isn't true. Equal rights means just what it says.

Equal rights.

Well, that's a good explanation.

Oh, you know what she means.

Yes, and we want to be treated that way. From now on, everything is equal. We

want to be treated exactly as if we were men.

Well, this goes for a little conference.

Pardon me, mister.

Okay.

From now on, you have equal rights.

We will treat you exactly as if you were men. Is it a deal?

It's a deal.

What about you, Mac?

It's a deal.

I phoned him this morning. He's coming up this afternoon. Ricky, that's my

I know that's your coat, honey. This is my coat. Over here.

He'll be up this afternoon to check everything in the house. Well, that's

I can walk out all right.

Every time. Say, I was going to say, when you came in the room, that suit is

just beautiful.

Oh, I'm crazy about it. Thank you. One of the prettiest ones I ever saw. Oh!

Pardon me, mister. My fault.

You know, this fellow looks familiar to me.

Reminds me of my father.

could do is pull out my chair for me. Never mind, Ethel. They're just being

smart. Ignore them.

Honey, what are you talking about? We're just treating you as equals.

Yeah, isn't that what you wanted? Oh.

May I take your order?

Uh, yes. I think that I... I'd like some meatballs, spaghetti, and, uh, some

pizza.

Now, what would you like? Bring me some meatballs and spaghetti and pizza.

No, no, green salad. Green salad, yes, sir.

Now, what would you like?

And some coffee with my meal, please.

Me, too.

Now, what would you have?

Are you sure you're quite through?

Just there. Go ahead and order. Don't keep the man waiting.

Uh, I would like... Oh, dear. Now I forgot what I wanted. You took so long

ordering. Oh, yes. I'd like a steak medium rare and spaghetti on the side.

Certainly. And you? I'll take the same. Well done.

Well done. Thank you.

I dropped my purse, dear. Can you see it there?

Yeah.

Right there by my foot.

Would you excuse us a minute? We'll be right back.

Where are you going?

We're just going to the drugstore. We'll be back before the food gets here.

Fred?

Now, wonderful.

We ought to come back here more often.

Yes, sir.

Cigarette?

Thank you.

Light? Thank you.

At least two of us are gentlemen.

Pretty bad. I guess we could stand a repair job, too.

everything. All right, let's get the check and get out of here.

Xavier.

Yes, sir. Something more for you? More coffee? Dessert?

Aftershave lotion?

Just the check, please.

He has a sense of humor.

Pardon me.

Honestly, it's getting so you can expect anything from these two goofs we're

married to. That's the first time Fred shaved in a week.

You should have seen the look on your faces.

That was a good meal.

It really was.

You two. You two characters.

What's this?

Separate checks.

What do you mean, separate checks?

Equal rights, dear.

going to pay for my dinner?

And take away your independence?

Never.

All right, that's all. We can go along with the game. I'll say, if you want to

play it that way, okay.

Say, Lucy, have you got... What'd you say?

Do you have any money?

I haven't got a cent. I was going to put the bite on you.

You took the bite right out of my mouth.

This is a little embarrassing, Rick. I didn't know we came to dinner with a

couple of deadbeats.

Looks like. See you along. See you around, fellas.

Oh, wait a minute. That's going. Come here.

Oh, Fred, now wait a minute. That's carrying a little too far.

Ricky. Ricky.

What are you trying to do? Skip out without paying?

Well, our husbands were playing a little joke on us. They said that we were

going to have to pay for our dinner. Yes.

We don't have any money with us.

Isn't that funny?

Well, we'll go home and come right back with the money. We'll bring it right

back to you.

Well, what do you want us to do?

You know what this is?

The dish.

Right. And we have lots more in the kitchen.

People have been eating off them. They get so dirty.

Just a minute.

We're not washing any dishes.

We're not washing any dishes, are we?

Uh -huh. When I look heavier, don't tell him that I... Call, see, but as soon as

they finish washing the dishes, you call me and we'll come down and pick them

up.

Okay.

Everybody's gone and they're still working their heads up down there.

Oh, girls.

If you don't mind, will you let me know when you're finished? I'll be in my

office. I'm waiting to lock up.

He's waiting to lock up. Oh, we don't mind. When we finish, we finish waiting

lock up.

He never locks up.

works so hard in my life.

Neither did I.

I wonder where all these came from.

I don't know. I think he takes in dirty dishes from other restaurants.

Every time I think of those boobs we're married to, I just get furious.

So do I. They make me so mad.

Maybe this will teach you to keep your big mouth shut.

Me? What do you mean?

Well, it was your idea about this. equal rights business.

Just a minute. You thought it was a good idea then.

Well, it stinks now.

Well, it's nice to know that you're the kind of a person who turns on a friend

in a crisis.

Oh, listen, Lucy, I've been going through this type of thing with you for

years. This is my last...

You mustn't cry anymore.

You're right. I'm making the dishwater cold.

Oh, well.

The main thing is to get these dishes done so we can get home. Yeah.

Wait a minute.

We don't have any money to get home on.

Oh, yeah.

How do you like those husbands of ours?

Yeah. And I wouldn't be surprised if a thug jumped out from behind a dark

building and pounced on us and said, And you know where that'll leave us.

Oh, no.

Yeah, and maybe he'll conk us on the head and he'll leave us broken and

in an alley.

And then Ricky and Fred will be sorry.

They'll be sorry.

I know how we can get even with him. How?

Well, I'll call Ricky, and I'll tell him that the restaurant's being held up.

And you yell, help, and make noises like struggling in the background.

Lucy, how do you think up all these wonderful things?

Promise me when you die, you leave your brain to science.

Okay.

Coast is clear.

Hello? Hello, Ricky, this is Lucy.

It's Lucy.

Where are you, honey?

Oh, we're still at the restaurant. They made us do the dishes.

No. Yeah, but...

What? What's going on?

What's the matter?

This is a stick -up. Don't move or I'll...

This is just me.

Half of our wits like that.

Well, boy, they got even with us all right.

They'll never know it.

I said, well, come on now, let's get out of here.

Now what?

Wait a minute.

This story about the bandits is too good to pass it up.

Yeah. You got a handkerchief?

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, that's it.

Just got to move those over there or we're finished.

We treat you just like you were men.

So we came down here to this restaurant. We said, give us separate checks to the

head waiter. You know, I tell him the whole story.

So the head waiter comes and gives a separate check. They don't have any

to pay.

I was in cahoots with the guy. So he tells me, all right, you have to wash

dishes. To teach him a story, we let him go here and wash the dishes.

Now they call the house and just to scare us, they tell us there's a couple

bandits down here with the guns and they're holding us up. So he and I, we

down here like a couple of jerks to save them.

We put the handkerchief, the hat, and the stuff. We come in here with a gun.

And, you know, just to scare them. And that's all it was.

sign the complaint.

This way, ladies.

Mean -looking, aren't they?

Yeah.

Lucy?

Fresh, too. Called me by my first name.

The young one isn't so bad -looking.

He has a certain amount of... animal charm.

I guess this old shriveled up one is his father.

They're no good, lady. Anybody can see that. We'll all be better off if you

the complaint and we put them away.

Okay.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, you know, the more I look at him, the cuter he gets. I wonder how he

Kisses?

your mouth and open the door.

Dick Reeves and Louie Nicoletti.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.