Original subtitles

Your bid, Ethel.

Uh, one club.

Say, did you see that dress Sylvia Collins had on at the dance Saturday

Yeah, what there was of it.

Uh, one heart. One no Trump.

How do you suppose she held it up?

Two diamonds.

Who knows? All I know is every man in the room is waiting for her to exhale.

I'll say.

Fred's eyes bugged out like a bullfrog with an overactive thyroid.

Hey, how about the attention that Sylvia Collins got from our husband?

How about that?

Uh, I pass.

Pass. Well, I get it for two diamonds. Put your cards down, girl.

You know, she didn't light her own cigarette once.

Every time I looked up, some man was racing across the room with a lighted

match. Looked like the start of the Olympic Games.

Yeah, the indoor cigarette lighting sprint.

I didn't know my little fat torchbearer could run that fast.

the countries represented, Cuba seemed to be taking the most first prizes.

And just what do you mean by that?

Well, it wasn't my husband who taught her how to play Babaloo on an upturned

wastebasket.

Now, just a minute. Girls, girls, come on. Are we going to play Granger, aren't

we? Well, oh, it's getting to be the same old story every time we play cards.

Sylvia Collins, Sylvia Collins, Sylvia Collins. Well, why?

She's the biggest female wolf in our crowd.

Yeah. And the way she attracts men, she's not so beautiful.

No. What's she got that we haven't got?

No husband.

Hey, I know how to cure this situation. How?

Well, don't you see? The men are intrigued by Sylvia because she's

makes her mysterious and exciting.

We have to find Sylvia a husband. A husband? Yeah.

It's our only chance. Now, where can we find her a husband?

I'll make the sacrifice. She can have mine.

Now, Ethel, is it agreed then the four of us will dedicate ourselves to getting

Sylvia Collins a husband?

Agreed?

He's such a tired boy. He doesn't want to go to sleep, that's all. Well, come

on, honey. Good night, boy.

Good night.

Go say good nighty -night, Papa.

There we go, honey. Now, come on. It's time you were in bed, little sleepy boy.

Come on now. You go sleepy -bye.

Honey, we're going to have a little company.

Company? Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I forgot about it. It's a friend of Fred.

And he and Ethel are going to be late getting home, so they asked me if we

entertain him until they get here. Who is it? I don't know.

Some traveling salesman or something.

It's a nephew, one of Fred's old buddies.

And since he's a bachelor, they thought that he would like a home -cooked meal.

Oh, well, that's all very nice, but I... A bachelor!

And young, too. Oh, boy.

Real live bachelor, right here in my own trap.

Remember? Oh, don't be silly. He sounds like the perfect man for Sylvia Collins.

You see, the girls in the club have decided that we should find Sylvia a

husband. Now, Lucy, lay off this guy, will you?

Why is it that every married woman thinks it's her sacred duty to marry off

every single guy? Oh, we do not.

Well, see that you don't.

After all, if this guy is fortunate enough to still be single, I don't

I didn't mean it that way.

I mean, if he's... smart enough to still be single. How's that?

There must be some word that describes what I'm trying to say.

The word is stupid.

All right, stupid.

If a guy's stupid enough to still be single, leave him alone.

That's better. After all, ignorance is bliss.

You let Sylvia Collins get her own husband. I wouldn't mind if she got her

but she's getting everybody else's.

There he is.

Oh, I got to put my face on. Now, Lucy, don't forget what I told you. I don't

want to hear one word that sounds like matchmaking. Oh, now, Rick. I mean it.

Oh, all right. All right.

Mr.

Carl? Yeah. I'm Eddie Grant, Fred Mertz's friend. Oh, yeah. How are you,

Come on in, won't you? Thank you. Sit down.

Fred will be here in a little while. Fine, fine.

Would you like a cigarette?

Yeah. Yes, well, thank you. You're welcome.

Nice apartment.

Thank you, Eddie.

Listen, Fred says that you just got in town.

Yeah, I'm on a sales trip.

Oh. What do you sell?

Negliges. Negliges.

Oh.

Oh, dear, I didn't know you had company.

This is my wife, Lucy. Lucy, this is Eddie Grant. How do you do? How do you

Miss Ricardo?

Are you a native New Yorker?

Well, no, no. As a matter of fact, I'm on a sales trip. It's the first time in

several years.

Oh, my. I'll bet your wife is having a gay time in all the shops.

Well, no, no. I'm not married.

Not married?

A big, handsome, intelligent man like you not married?

Well, Eddie, how do you like it here in New York City?

I know just what you need, Mr. Grant.

Eddie. What?

How would you like to have a beautiful girl to take you around and show you the

town? Go dancing and... Lucy, leave Eddie alone.

Eddie, Fred tells me that your uncle was in show business with him. Oh, speaking

of show business, you want to see all the big Broadway shows and it'd be just

ridiculous if you went alone. Now, wouldn't you like someone to share all

fun with you? Lucy, that'll be enough.

Eddie, uh... What kind of an act did your uncle have?

He did a magic act. Sawed a woman in half.

Oh, no kidding.

Have you ever stopped to think how nice it would be to have a woman of your own

to saw in half?

It's good to see you. Sorry we weren't there. Oh, that's all right. The

took good care of me. Oh, it was a pleasure.

Well, let's get going. Ethel's waiting. All right. Bye, Miss Ricardo. Goodbye,

Annie. Nice meeting you. Nice to have met you, Miss Ricardo. Nice to have met

you. Oh, I think I'll go with you. I want to say hello to Ethel. All right.

Lucy, I want you to stay here with me. Oh, I'll be right back, dear.

I know, honey.

But I'll be lonesome.

Don't go, dear.

Well, on second thought, maybe I better stay here.

Yes. Well, goodbye, Eddie. Have a good time.

Thanks again.

You're going to have a wonderful meal.

That is a really good smell. What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or

something?

I just finished telling you that I don't want you to play Cupid and you make us

look ridiculous with this guy. Trying to marry him to somebody he doesn't even

know. How many times am I going to ask you not to marry him to other people?

I wanted to tell you. I tried to come over last night, but Ricky just wouldn't

let me. That Eddie Grant is perfect for Sylvia Collins. I'll say. I went to work

on him the minute he walked in.

Did you do any good?

No. Fred kept kicking me under the table.

Well, we're just going to have to set up a date ourselves. I'm going to call

Sylvia. Okay.

Let's see. That's, uh... Three, two, two...

You know, when I think how I'm sticking my neck out for that bleached blonde in

wolf's clothing, I... Sylvia, darling, how are you?

Yeah, this is Lucy.

Oh, fine, thanks.

Look, Sylvia, dear, I just met the most divine, handsome, well -to -do bachelor.

And he's all alone, doesn't have anyone to show him around town.

Well, look, sweetie.

Sweetie, I told him about you, and he wants to have lunch with you today.

What's she saying? Does she like the idea?

She's drooling.

Can you meet him in the lobby of the Sherry Plaza at noon?

Yeah. Yeah, well, just ask for him at the desk. His name is Eddie Grant.

That's right.

Oh, he's just dreamy.

You'll swoon.

Okay, bye -bye.

Well, that takes care of the spider. Now for the fly.

to hear from me, did you?

Well, not so soon.

Uh, look, Eddie, since you don't know any girls in town, how would you like a

date for lunch today?

Oh, I'd like it fine.

Won't your husband mind?

Oh, no, you don't understand. I was talking about someone else.

Mm -hmm.

No, really.

A beautiful girl named Sylvia Collins.

You don't have to pretend with me, Lucy.

Look, Eddie, be serious.

If you want to have lunch with Sylvia, I'll arrange to have her meet you in the

lobby of your hotel at noontime. Okay, I'd love it. I'll be there.

All right, good. She'll ask for you at the desk. Goodbye, Eddie. Goodbye,

Sylvia.

Well, that takes care of that.

Come on down here and help me with the dishes, will you? Okay. I think this is

one.

Uh, give me circle 72099, please.

Hello.

Fred, this is Eddie Grant.

Oh, hi.

Listen, I'm afraid I won't be able to have lunch with you today after all.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's the matter, business?

No, not really. I've got a date.

Well, that's all right. Bring her along.

No, I don't think I should.

Oh, why not? I want to see what kind of taste you have. There'll only be the

four of us.

The four?

Yeah, I've invited Ricky to come.

No, no, Fred, I...

I couldn't bring her along, no.

What's the matter? Are you ashamed of her?

No.

No, no, she's a doll, a real dream.

But to tell you the truth, Fred, she's married, you know.

You're the sly one.

Well,

I've got to hang up now, Fred. I've got a couple of business appointments. I've

got to meet her in the lobby at noon. See you later.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Tropicana.

Is Ricky Ricardo there?

Yeah, just a moment, please.

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah? Telephone. Okay.

Thanks. Oh.

Hi, Rick.

Yeah, hi, Fred.

Eddie can't make it for lunch.

Oh, that's too bad. You want to skip it? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Here's what I thought.

He's got a heavy date with some beautiful doll.

Special deal, you know what I mean? Yeah. And I thought we might have a

fun. What do you mean?

Well...

in the lobby until he meets her, and then we'll have a little fun with him.

Oh, you old dog.

It's the Sherry Plaza, and I'll meet you there at noon.

Okay, they have good food there, so we'll eat there, huh?

All right, goodbye, Rick. Goodbye, Fred.

Uh -huh.

Mm -hmm.

Well, Marion, listen, I expected it. There just was no other way for that

marriage to go.

I guess.

Well, look, dear, I'll call you again. We'll have a nice long chat.

Give my love to Norman, huh?

Okay, dear. Bye -bye.

What's the matter with you? Do you have any idea how long you've been talking on

that phone? I certainly do. I picked up the phone at 9 .15.

It is now 11 .30.

11 .30?

I have a hairdresser's appointment at 12 .30. Sylvia Collins has been trying to

get you for two hours. She finally had to call me.

What does she want? She can't make that date with Eddie. She broke a cap off of

a front tooth.

Oh. Oh, no.

Well, can't she go anyway? With her looks, one tooth isn't going to make any

difference.

She won't go. She says she looks like a beaver.

She's been trying to get hold of Eddie, but he's not at the hotel.

Well, she could leave a message.

He might not get it, though.

Listen, will you stay here until Mrs. Trumbull gets here to take care of

Yeah, why?

Well, I'll stop by on my way to the beauty parlor, and I'll tell Eddie

Okay. That's the safest way.

Gee, isn't that too bad? That was such a perfect setup.

Oh, hello, Eddie. Well, well, well.

Isn't Sylvia Collins?

Oh, now, Eddie, listen.

I came down here to tell you that Sylvia couldn't make it. Oh?

No, now, really. Listen, if you're thinking what I think you're thinking,

way off base. I'm thinking only one thing.

Hiya, Fred.

Hiya, Rick. Let's go.

Where are you going? I thought you wanted to get Eddie Granoff and his

girlfriend. Well, we haven't got time for that now. I'm hungry.

Well, come on. This is the best place to eat. Right here.

What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?

Come on. Let's go and eat.

Is Ricky talking to you yet? No. I don't see why he should get so upset just

because I did a little matchmaking. I know why.

Fred just told me. Why?

Well, Eddie thought you were making that date with him for yourself.

And being a man, he couldn't help bragging to Ricky and Fred that he had a

date. And Ricky and Fred, also being men, decided to go down there and spy on

him. So Ricky must have thought that... Oh, no, no. Ricky was just mad at me

because I was matchmaking. Are you sure?

Well, one thing I'm sure of, we've got to get Ricky and Eddie and everybody

concerned together so we can explain this thing. Will you go down to Eddie's

hotel with me? Yes, I think you need a chaperone. I'll get Mrs. Trumbull to

care of little Ricky.

You get dressed right away. Okay, I'll get ready. Hurry up now. Okay.

925, this is it, isn't it?

Oh, Eddie, I wanted to...

Eddie? Eddie, I wanted to talk to you. Eddie? Let us in, Eddie.

Eddie, open the door. Come on now, let us in.

Eddie? Let us in, Eddie.

Oh, girls, I'm down to 914.

If Eddie won't let you in, I will.

Oh, go away, fresh.

Listen, I'm in a spot because you jumped at some stupid conclusions.

Ethel, get Sylvia on the phone, will you?

Sylvia Collins?

Yes, Sylvia Collins, that very nice girl I tried to get you a date with. The

rest was just a silly coincidence, and I want you to please explain it to Ricky.

You want me to explain it to Ricky? Yes. Hello, Sylvia. Lucy wants to talk to

you. Just a minute.

Hello, Sylvia, dear. Is your tooth better?

Oh, that's good.

Yes. Yes, as a matter of fact, I want to introduce you to him right now.

Sylvia Collins, this is Eddie Grant.

Now, she was exaggerating.

Well, I guess it is a little curly.

Oh, just average height.

It's too bad we couldn't get together yesterday, Syl.

Well, how about today?

Wonderful. I'll be down and get you in about a half hour.

What's that address again?

Swell. so I'll be right down.

Bye, Sylvia.

Yeah, I certainly owe you an apology. She sounds wonderful.

You see? Now, you bring her back here, and then we'll go down to the club and

explain to Ricky. Okay, I will.

Oh, incidentally, girls, while I'm gone, I want you to pick out any two

negligees you want, and I'll let you have them. Oh, wow!

Wholesale.

with Lucy. Yeah, how about that?

You said 925, didn't you? Yeah.

I'd be a fine husband if I didn't trust my wife any more than that.

I think.

Lucy, you here dressed in that.

You must be out of your mind.

Who is it, Lucy? Did Eddie come back?

That's all.

You here dressed in that.

He must be out of his mind.

if you'll just listen.

Okay.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Well, even though you told me not to, I fixed Eddie up with Sylvia for lunch,

and then Sylvia couldn't make it, and we called Eddie, and he wasn't in, so I

came down to the hotel to tell Eddie, and then you saw us, and you got mad, so

had to come down again today and tell Eddie, and then we called Sylvia, and

Eddie went over to get her, and while he was going, he said if we found some

negligees that we wanted, we could have them wholesale.

That's exactly what happened.

You told me not to meddle in other people's affairs, and I did, and I'm

sorry.

That is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.

Isn't it, Fred?

I'll say.

Well, that makes me mad.

It makes you mad?

Yes, I tell you the truth. I admit it's all my fault. I practically grovel at

your feet, and you say you don't believe it.

Come on, come on. Tell the real story.

Let's give it to them.

That here was the chance of a lifetime.

And then what happened?

straight and he -mow, but good.

So we decided to come up here and teach you a lesson.

Oh, Ricky, that's mean.

That's mean.

Come on, Ethel, let's change.

Hey,

do you think maybe we've suffered enough so that you fellows might buy us these

negligee wholesale?

How much are they?

$139 .50.

$98.

Goodbye, Lucy. Goodbye, asshole. What do you mean goodbye?

Too much money. We decided to let you go to South America.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.