Original subtitles

Ricky!

Whitney! Ow!

What are you trying to do, kill me?

What are you doing sneaking around behind the door?

Hey, hey, hey.

Don't make so much noise. What's going on? You're going to wake up the kid.

She slammed the door on my nose.

I did not. He walked right into it.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was broken.

I may never smell again.

You want to bet?

Oh, go on. Make jokes.

You probably knew I was behind the door. I did not. Anyway, I don't see how the

door got near your nose with that big stomach bumper you've got.

I just hope you haven't marred this classic profile, that's all.

Oh, brother.

Let me see, Fred.

Hey, you got quite a bump.

I wouldn't be surprised if that eye turns black.

Yeah? Now you see what you've done?

Here I am with a black eye and I gotta go to a lodge meeting tonight.

Well, you got a perfect excuse.

You're probably the only person in history who ever really got a black eye

walking into a door. But they'll never believe that.

Why not? It's the truth.

That doesn't matter.

Nobody ever believes the real story of a black eye. I don't see why not.

Well, I seem to remember one occasion that you didn't believe Lucy and me.

When?

Oh, I did too believe you.

You did not. I did too?

You certainly had a funny way of showing it. I'll never forget how surprised I

was by your attitude.

Lucy and I were just sitting at home, minding our own business. She was

a book, and I walked into the room, and that's when the whole thing started.

Honey, you seen the book I was reading?

I thought I left it at that table there.

What can I do with my book?

Hey, that's my book.

Hey, what are you doing? Oh, that's the book I was reading. I was reading it

last night. Well, I'm reading it tonight.

Now, Lucy, be fair.

The book belongs to the person who started it first. It does not. There's a

rule. Readers, keepers, losers, go look at television.

That rule does not apply to Cubans.

Come on. Come on now, give me the book. Oh, this is getting us nowhere. Come on,

we'll read it together.

All right.

Can you see all right to read?

Sure.

Match went into the darkened room and there she saw Lucy's thumb.

That's fine. Gordon blends a knife into her rag several times. She tried

desperately to fight back.

But the blood oozing from her many wounds poured about her feet and she's

the lamp.

Electrocuting herself.

Nothing but a pile of ashes she's left.

Are you ready to turn the page? No, I'm not ready to turn the page. You were

mumbling so loud I wasn't able to concentrate. I haven't read a word yet.

Oh, well, there's nothing on that page anyway. Madge tried to poison Gordon.

Gordon found out about it and he tried to run her over with his car. That's

Next page.

Gordon, what page?

Dismembering the housekeeper.

Ooh, disposing everybody of the garbage disposal.

Honey, will you please stop mumbling?

Well, I'm just reading.

Well, honey, can you read with your mouth closed?

Okay.

No, no, no, this won't work. No, no, I can't read that way.

I can't read that way. How about one of us reading out loud to the other? All

right. Okay.

Well, go ahead.

Gordon le dijo, March, ven acá. Y le dio así en la cara. Pim, pum, pam, pum.

Y entonces la pobre muchacha tenía blood all over the place. Y le dijo, no, no

me dejas, no me dejas. Perdona, Gordon.

When I read it translated into Spanish, I go along.

Yeah.

Madge got up from the road after Gordon had run her over with the car and ran to

him. She was beaten and torn.

Her clothes were in shreds and blood poured from her many wounds.

Their eyes met.

Then in a feeble voice, Madge said, You don't like me, do you?

Suddenly she gathered strength.

Go ahead, admit it, she shouted. You hate me. Honey. You hate me, don't you?

Lucy. Don't you?

Don't shout, honey. You'll have to shout. I can't help it. I can't help it.

get carried away with this stuff.

yourself. Okay. Gordon couldn't stand it any longer. He screamed at her. Okay,

Madge, you ask for it. He started slowly toward her.

Madge's eyes showed terror.

He came closer, closer, closer.

Wait a minute, Fred. Don't just walk in. Ring the bell.

Well, we always just walk in. Yeah, I know, but they don't know we're coming,

and people like a little privacy.

Well, these aren't people. They're Ricky and Lucy.

Ring the bell.

All of a sudden, you're so sensitive.

I was right. I knew it. I was right. You do hate me, don't you?

No, wait.

No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't strike me.

What's going on in there? Go ahead, you can't hit me. I dare you. I dare you. I

dare you.

She went one I dare you too far.

She should know better than to dare that hot -blooded Cuban.

Why, that big bum hit her.

No, Fred, wait.

I'm thinking of them. When they hear the bell, they'll go to neutral corners.

We can't just bust in on them at a time like this. Don't you feel well, Ethel? I

thought you'd be dying to get in there and see what the fight's all about.

Fred.

No, there's just one decent thing to do. We'll go downstairs and phone. What

for? To let them know we're coming up. Then we'll go in and see what the

about.

Later that night, Madge was crying softly in her room, waiting for the

ring. They said they'd call if they found Gordon's battered body when they

dragged the river.

She waited and waited.

Wouldn't that phone ever ring?

is Ethel. Are you all right?

Yeah, why?

Lucy, this is Ethel.

Yeah, I know.

This is Ethel, your friend, to whom you may turn in a moment of crisis.

Ethel, have you been drinking?

Okay, don't tell me.

We thought we'd come up, unless, of course, there's some reason you don't

to see us right now.

No, come on up. We're just sitting here reading. We're just sitting here

reading, she says.

Okay, we'll be up. Anything we can bring?

Cookies? Ice cream?

Iodine?

No, not a thing. Come on up.

Okay.

Iodine.

What does that for want?

They're coming up.

Oh, I want to find out what happened to Match and Gordon.

Well, we'll find out later. I'm going to put on a new face. All right.

Oh, listen, honey.

Put this by the bed and then we can read it before we go to sleep.

Oh, honey. Oh, gosh, it hurts, though. Right there. Let me look at it.

Oh. Oh, you sure got it whack.

Oh. Starting to get black already.

Oh, really?

That's all I need, a black eye.

Oh, honey. Oh, that must be the merch. You let him in. I'm going to put

something cold on this. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's all right, dear.

Oh.

Hi, Ethel. Hello, Ricky. Hi, Fred. Hi, Rick.

Where's Lucy?

Oh, she'll be right in.

Won't you sit down?

Hi.

Honey, it is the Mercers. They're here.

He's a cool customer, isn't he?

Fast, too. He hasn't got a scratch on him.

What's new?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

What's new up here?

Nothing. Just sitting around.

Oh? I see.

Would you, uh, would you like a drink or something?

No, thanks.

No? Hi, folks.

Lucy. Oh, you poor little thing.

What? Oh, my eye.

Yeah, your eye.

How did it happen?

Oh, Ricky slugged me.

Yeah. Yeah, I finally decided to, boom, let her have it.

Stay with us, honey. What?

What do you mean, Ethel?

Imagine striking a woman.

Oh, Fred.

Ethel, I was just kidding.

Now, don't try to protect him, honey. He isn't worth it.

No, really. I just said that Ricky slugged me because nobody ever believes

real story of a black eye. Yeah.

And what is the real story?

Ricky tossed a book to me. I missed it and it hit me in the eye.

Yeah.

Now, you can do better than that.

Oh, really, Ethel, that's what happened. How do you like it? They never believe

the real story. How do you like that? For goodness sakes, Ethel, you don't

that I would actually hit Lucy, do you?

Apparently, they don't want to take us into their confidence.

Come on, Fred.

Oh, now, Ethel, come here. You know, there are times when even the best

are unwelcome.

Now, wait a minute, you two. Now, listen, Fred, let me explain to you

Please, please.

into your assorted family squabbles?

Shall we go, Ethel?

Well, did you ever.

How do you like that?

Well, I'll explain it to her in the morning. Come on, now we can find out

happened to Madge and Gordon. Okay.

Good morning, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Ethel.

Has the brute gone?

Who?

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah, he's gone to rehearsal.

Let me see your eye.

Oh, boy.

That rat really gave you a mouse.

Gee, I'm sorry I talked to you the way I did last night. I couldn't sleep a

wink. Well, honey, I accept your apology.

I'm not apologizing. I couldn't sleep because I didn't know the real story.

Come on, tell me. What happened?

I told you, Ethel. Ricky tossed a book to me. I missed it and it hit me in the

eye. I know, I know. That's the story for publication.

Now, what's the gory truth?

How many times do I have to tell you, honey? Ricky tossed a... You're not

to be satisfied until you get a real juicy story out of me, are you? No.

Come on.

Okay.

Well, last night, Ricky and I were sitting around after dinner. We got into

little argument.

Close your mouth.

Where was I? You were sitting around after dinner when suddenly Ricky grabbed

you by the hair and slugged you. Yeah.

Go on.

Well, like you say, he grabbed me by the hair and he slugged me. No.

Yeah. And then he slugged me again.

Pow! Oh!

Pow! Oh!

Pow! Oh!

And then what? He came at me. You know how wild those Cubans are when they get

mad. Yeah.

He grabbed me by the throat.

I gasped for air.

I cried for mercy.

Mercy! Mercy!

Mercy! And then he said he hated you.

Okay.

Finally, who knows why, he let go.

And I lay there cowering and whimpering.

Please, no.

He just looked down at me and he laughed.

And then he kicked me.

He was just about to kick me again when the phone rang. Oh, this is even better

than I expected.

What started it all?

What made him so mad?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No, we were just sitting around talking about the weather, his new show at the

club. I told him I was in love with another man, and all of a sudden, for no

reason... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Back up.

You said you were in love with another man?

Oh, no, no, I didn't say that. Who is it? Who? Nobody.

I couldn't possibly tell you, Ethel. Why? Is it somebody I know?

Who are you rushing off to?

Well, I'm going to rehearsal. I'm late now. What's up? Well, I wanted to talk

you about last night.

I wasn't really sorry to you. I was just going along with Ethel.

Last night? Yeah. Oh!

Well, let me tell you about that. Listen, I know just how you felt.

No, you don't. Oh, yes, I do. I've been married a lot longer than you have. And

you should never have lost your temper that much.

However, it's done, and there's only one way out of it. I see. What's that?

Don't stand on false pride, whether you're right or wrong.

Be big about it.

Apologize.

Send her some flowers.

Well, that's very sweet of you to be so concerned about it, Fred, but I told you

what happened last night.

You don't think that I would ever really hit Lucy, do you? If you give her a

chance to brood, it'll cost more than flowers.

Now, why don't you be smart?

Look, Fred, I'm late. I'll talk to you about it later. Now, listen, I really

know about these things, Rick. Come on in now and send her some flowers. Wait a

minute, Fred. This is getting silly.

do anything last night. I'm not going to send anybody any flowers and I'm

already late for rehearsal.

So goodbye.

Good

morning,

Mr. Merch. Oh, hello, Pete.

I want you to pick me out a dozen beautiful red roses.

And I'd like to have them delivered this afternoon.

Gee, I'm afraid you're too late.

Our delivery truck is just leaving.

See if you can catch them, will you? I'll try.

Thanks. Hey, Bill!

Bill, hold it a second. Hold it.

Okay, I caught them.

Oh, my, thanks.

I'll have this card ready in a minute. Right.

Hey, Pete, what are these?

Gladiolas. Gladiolas?

That's right.

Hey, they're beautiful.

Put some of those in, will you?

Okay, fine.

before her husband gets home.

Why, Mr.

Mertz. Oh, now, now, now, just a minute. Ricky and Lucy had a little fight last

night. Ricky's a little stubborn, so I'm sending her some roses in his name.

Oh, I see.

Well, she sees that card. I wrote, darling, I love you, I love you, I love

Oh.

And then I signed it, eternally yours, Fred.

minutes. Laundry?

Groceries? No, nothing like that.

Oh.

Just a florist.

He left some flowers for Lucy and she wasn't home, so I took them.

Yeah? Well, where are they? I put them up in her apartment.

Gee, I was dying to peek in the box and see where they were from.

If she doesn't come home pretty soon, I think I will. Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want my wife doing anything like that.

Besides, they must be from Ricky.

Maybe they are.

I'm going to turn the heat up. It's cold in here.

Turn the heat up? It's like an oven in here.

Yeah, by gosh, you're right. I'd better turn the heat down.

Gee, I wonder who they're from. So do I.

They're probably from him.

Him? Him whom?

No, him whom.

ML. Oh.

Mystery lover.

They're probably from Ricky.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, aren't they lovely?

you, yeah, they're from Ricky.

Yeah? Look at the card and see.

Ethel, I wouldn't do this for anyone but you. Here, you look at the card and

then you'll know who my mystery lover is. Okay.

Darling, I love you, I love you, I love you, eternally yours.

certainly don't think that these are from Fred Mertz, do you? Well, this card

certainly wasn't written by Fred McMurray.

Now, Ethel. Fred, my beautiful fat old goat, your mystery.

This is just ridiculous.

How can I fall for a fat old goat like him?

Ricky tossed a book to you?

Yes. It is possible.

Oh, and how did you finally arrive at that conclusion?

Ethel!

Oh, no!

Did Fred tell you how it happened?

You mean that phony story about tossing a book to you?

Bennett Green.

I Love Lucy is a Bessie Liu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.

This is the CBS Television Network.