Original subtitles

There's a brand new baby at our house.

The nicest little gift we've ever had.

How much fuller life's become.

No one knows what makes it hum.

Till you call each other mommy and dad.

There's a brand new baby at our house.

And though he's been there just a little while.

In the parlor, in the hall, every picture on the wall seems to know

they all wear a smile.

I can't explain what he does to my heart with his

infant charms.

I never knew what heaven was till I held

an angel in my arms.

He's twice as sweet as honey from the cold.

He's the image of my spouse.

He's the tricky Mickey Mouse who has changed our happy house to a home.

We thank the Lord whose love and wondrous spouse gave us that brand new,

brand new baby.

You like that song?

Yeah. I wrote it for Lucy. I'm going to take it out to the hospital and play it

for her. See, I was recording it while I was singing it. Oh, isn't that clever?

Where did you get this thing?

Well, Lucy bought it to record the baby's first words.

How could she buy it if she's in the hospital?

Well, the lady in the next bed is a salesman for the tape recorder company.

What? Yeah, no kidding.

This lady has a baby every year.

And she sells enough recorders to pay for the baby.

And you know how Lucy is. We certainly do. Remember that handy -dandy company?

Oh, gee,

I'll never forget the expression on Lucy's face that morning when I brought

mail up to her.

Good morning, Lucy.

Hi.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's that Cuban sorehead I'm married to. I just had my weekly lecture about

spending too much money.

What do you have to say this time? I couldn't understand most of it. All I

get was that pesos don't grow on trees.

Well, it's over for another week.

I brought up your mail.

Good.

What's this?

Oh, no.

Oh, I don't want Ricky to know that I bought this. This is a kitchen gadget

I saw demonstrated on television.

Where can I hide it?

How about the refrigerator?

That's a good idea. You'd never look in there.

He'll never think of looking in here in a million years. No, I guess not.

There, you think that's safe? Yeah, I think that's safe. Ricky!

What's in that package you don't want me to see? Nothing.

Let me see the package. Nothing.

It's a handy -dandy kitchen helper. I saw it demonstrated on television.

It's a tremendous bargain when you think of all the things you can do with it.

How much is it?

It rices, dices, and splices.

Lucy, how much?

It cuts down on the time that a housewife has to spend in the kitchen.

How much? About two hours a day.

Lucy?

$7 .98.

surprised if you saw all the things that the man does with it on television. I

watch him every day. Here, I'll show you.

Ethel? Yeah?

You better come down and let me see what you want to do with that clothesline.

Just a minute. Come on in. Lucy's going to give us a demonstration.

Of what?

A woman's stupidity. That shouldn't take very long.

All right, now you all stand over there.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to demonstrate the handy -dandy kitchen

helper. It's something you shouldn't be without. It peels and spices, cuts and

rices, skins and dices at lowest Now watch me closely, ladies and gentlemen.

I will set the dial for French fries.

And then by turning this handle, I will cut this potato into 16 identical

slices. Here we go.

Oh,

I must have had it set for baked potato.

television. Oh, honey, maybe you just haven't got the hang of it yet.

Fred, why is it that women have no sales resistance whatsoever?

I don't know. They'll buy anything.

Lucy doesn't know the meaning of the word no.

Ethel doesn't either.

Lucy's a sucker for any sales pitch.

Ethel is too.

Lucy and Ethel make me sick.

Now, honey, you must admit that you'll buy anything that comes along.

worse than you are. How about that little purchase you made at the war

store? That was a necessary item.

Oh, sure. You never know when you're going to use a 20 -foot rubber life

What are you laughing at, fatso?

You're just as bad.

What are you talking about? Now, look, look, look. The fact is that you just

thrown eight dollars down the drain for this.

$7 .95, and it isn't down the drain. I got it on a three -day free trial. If I

don't want it, I just call him up and tell him to take it back.

Well, then call him up.

No!

Lucy, either you're going to call him up and tell him to take it back, or I'm

going to use it to demonstrate how to cut a wife into 16 identical slices.

Mrs. Ricardo?

Yes?

I'm Harry Martin of the Handy Dandy Company. Oh, yes, I've been expecting

Won't you come in, please?

Mr. Martin, this Handy Dandy kitchen helper does not work, and I have it on a

three -day free trial, and I don't want it. You'll have to take it back.

Gladly. It isn't any good, and I'm not going to pay for it. Of course you're

not. I see no reason why I should... What'd you say?

I said, of course you're not going to pay for it. We don't want you to keep

merchandise that you're not happy with.

You don't? No, of course not. And you're quite right not to want that. Why, that

is no wise buy at all.

In fact, Mrs. Ricardo, I wouldn't let you keep this dreadful little gadget

if you begged me to.

I'm glad you didn't want that.

That shows me that you're a woman of judgment and taste.

Really? Yes, indeed. When you opened that door, I said to myself, I said,

there stands a woman of judgment and taste.

Is that so?

Mrs. Ricardo, you have no idea of the inferior type of humanity that I have to

contend with in my profession. Why, you just wouldn't believe some of the women

that I have to talk to. They have no intelligence at all.

My goodness.

Why, just this morning I ran into... Say.

I'll bet I'm keeping you from something important.

Oh, no. No, not at all.

Well, I find you're such an easy person to talk to, and I don't know, I just

like to get this off my chest. Oh, well, go right ahead.

May I tell you about what happened to me this morning?

Certainly. Thank you, thank you. Now, you just pretend that you're this woman

I'm calling on, eh? All right.

Just stay right there.

I also represent the handy -dandy vacuum cleaner.

So this morning, when the woman opened the door and I threw the dirt on the

floor, just like I did now, and then I handed her a $10 bill, just like this,

you see, and then I said to her, I said, Madam, that $10 bill, that's so buck.

That one -tenth of a C note is all yours if this handy -dandy vacuum cleaner

fails to clean up all this dirt in less than two minutes flat.

I said that to her, see? And then I took my handy -dandy vacuum cleaner and I

plugged it in like this.

And then I went right to work.

It's falling.

Oh, oh, this plug is controlled by this switch.

So is that light, see? Oh, I see.

Go!

Forty

-five

seconds.

My!

That was fast.

Yes, it was, wasn't it?

But do you know that woman was angry with me?

About what?

Because I threw dirt on the floor.

But you cleaned it right up with your wonderful handy -dandy vacuum cleaner.

Yes, yes, of course I did, but she was still angry. And do you know what she

next? What? Why, when I told her that this handy -dandy vacuum cleaner and the

attachments, that it sold for $8 .95 for the works, why, that short -sighted,

narrow -visioned female... did not even have the intelligence to buy one.

What a dope!

Well, shows you what you've got to put up with.

I'm glad you let me get that off my chest.

Mr. Martin, did you say $8 .95?

That's right. And now I think I'll...

I have to go. Mr.

Martin, aren't you going to give me a chance to buy one of those?

Oh, Mrs. Ricardo.

When I told you about this other woman, I didn't mean to get you to buy... Oh,

but Mr. Martin, our sweeper's so outdated, it's old, it doesn't work

anything, and we really do need one of those.

Well, as a matter of fact, I was bringing this little gem home as a

for my wife. Oh.

Well, I don't know.

I suppose if you really need one... Oh, we do, we do.

You talked me into it. Oh, thank you, Mr. Martin. Thank you.

Uh... Five... Six... Seven...

Eight... Fifty... Ninety -five.

Is that right?

That's the price.

you own the works, don't you think that you would like this nice gray metal

cover to keep from getting dirty?

But didn't I just buy the... You bought the most important part, yeah, the

works.

Now there are a few more little accessories, like the hose and the

and the attachments there.

Gee, that must run into quite a bit of money. No, no.

No. Not at all. This electric cord, for instance, is only $5.

$5?

Well, it's extra long.

Oh. And the attachments, they're $2 .50.

$2 .50?

A piece.

Oh. And then there's a utility lamp. Oh. There's a carrying case for the

cleaner. Oh.

Carrying case for the attachments.

Oh. There's a switch that turns it on and off.

Hi, Lucy. Did the man take back the kitchen helper?

Did you have any trouble with him?

What's the matter with... Lucy, did you buy all this stuff from him?

Oh, Lucy, I thought you were going to have sales resistance from now on.

What happened?

I don't know. Right after he took back the kitchen helper, everything went

black.

Oh?

When the lights came on again, I was short $102 .40.

$102 .40 for just this?

No, for a bonus, he threw in the kitchen helper.

That was nice of him. For a dollar and a half.

What a salesman he must be.

Yeah. But this is really a wonderful machine, and it just works beautifully.

Turn on the switch, and I'll show you. Okay.

What's this one for, Lucy?

Lucy?

Try this one, Lucy.

I... That's Ricky. That's Ricky. I don't want him to see this stuff. Help me

hide it. Hide it? Yeah.

He can't see this.

Aren't you going to tell him you bought all this?

She's in a hurry. Yeah.

Oh, I'll hang it up for you, dear. Oh, thank you.

What do you do today?

Why do you ask that?

I always ask that.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Nothing much.

It's dark in here.

Let's see what's at the end of this call.

You better kiss me now if you're ever going to.

Lucy, what is this?

Oh, darn, you found your Christmas present.

Now look, you're going to call him back, and you're going to get rid of that

vacuum cleaner, and you're going to get your money back, understand?

Yeah, I was just having one last sweep for the road.

Oh, gee, Ethel, I don't dare call Mr. Martin. I'm absolute putty in his hands.

Obviously. Oh, why'd I buy that thing anyway?

Why did you? I couldn't resist it.

Hey, if I couldn't resist it, maybe someone else won't be able to.

You mean you're going to try to sell it to somebody else? Sure I could sell it.

I remember everything Mr. Martin said and did.

Don't look at me.

I'm gonna start in the next block and I'm gonna keep going until I unload this

monster.

and two minutes flat.

You mean this $10 of mine if you don't pick up all that dirt in two minutes

flat? That's right.

Let's see now. Here we are.

That's funny. I can't imagine why it doesn't work.

I can.

The electricity's turned off.

What? We didn't pay our bill.

Oh, no.

Why didn't you tell me?

You didn't ask me.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry I made such a mess on your floor.

I don't know how you're going to clean it up.

nothing to worry about. Shall I hear somebody?

Lucy!

What happened?

You'll be glad to know, Ricky, that there are plenty of women in town with

resistance.

Couldn't you sell the vacuum cleaner?

Oh, you poor little thing. Come on, honey, and sit down. Here.

Get there. I'll take your shoes off. That'll help.

Lucy, where's your other shoe?

It's stuck in the door at 310 East 69th Street.

I was kicked downstairs, bitten by a dog, and chased three blocks by a

policeman, the one to see my peddler's license.

One more hour, they'd have reported the death of another salesman.

Now, honey, I'm sorry that you have to go through all of that.

you know it's your own fault.

Why didn't you call Mr. Martin like I told you to do?

Oh, sure.

Well, I'll call him. Where's his number?

It's right there in the pad.

Okay.

Oh, Fred, I don't know what these women would do without us men getting them out

of all these messes that they get into.

I don't either.

Hello, Mr. Martin.

This is Ricky Ricardo.

Look, you sold my wife a vacuum cleaner yesterday.

Yes, that's right.

Well, we decided not to keep it after all.

So we'd like you to come back tonight and take it back.

Eight o 'clock?

Yes, that'll be fine.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

There. You see how simple it was? Ricky, you shouldn't have him come over here.

You don't know what he's like. He'll say that he'll take it back, but he'll sell

you something else.

Oh, nonsense.

Well, I'm not going to be here. I'm going to a movie. Come on, let's get out

here, okay? Let me get cleaned up.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

Never in my life.

put that vacuum cleaner out in the hall, lock the door, and sit here in the

dark.

Hi.

Oh, hi. How was the movie?

Fine.

Did Mr.

Martin get here?

Yeah, he was here.

Did he take back the vacuum cleaner?

Of course he did.

He had no trouble at all.

As a matter of fact, he paid me a great compliment.

He said I was a man of great judgment and real taste.

Oh.

And not only that, but he said he didn't blame me in the least for not buying

such an inferior product.

Uh -oh.

What happened then?

Nothing. Come on.

Nothing.

Oh, Ricky, I'm glad you don't have any sales resistances there.

Oh, Lucy, you get all the breaks.

Nobody could sell old Fred anything.

Oh, no.

Oh?

Fred?

Come on down and see your handy -dandy washing machine.

The baby song written by Desi Arnaz and Eddie Maxwell has just been recorded on

a Columbia record with the hit song I Love Lucy on the reverse side.

This is the CBS television network.