Original subtitles

The horses will be here any minute.

I'll be ready, honey.

I was just shaving, so I look real nice when I go out with my wife.

Well, isn't that sweet?

I thought you said you shaved.

I did.

What's the matter with your upper lip? Is it out of bounds?

You mean my mustache.

Your what?

My mustache.

Frankie, it's true. Your upper lip has whiskers on it.

What do you expect, feathers?

No, I expect you to go in there and shave it off. You know I don't like a

mustache on you.

Why not?

Because it looks like an eyebrow and your mouth keeps staring at me.

Well, I guess it could use a little eyebrow pencil until it gets stronger.

Listen, now we're going to have this out right now. Are you going in there and

shave that off?

No.

Come here.

Oh, darn it, it's still there. I thought maybe I could singe it off.

Ah, honey, you'll love my mustache once you get used to it. I will not.

Well, honey, just wait till it gets a little stronger.

It'll never get stronger.

You've tried this before, Ricky, and you know you always end up looking like a

little boy who drank chocolate milk.

Why, you never let me give it a chance.

This time I'm going to cultivate it.

What are you going to use, on a big girl?

Never mind that.

I look wonderful in a mustache.

You just look silly in a mustache, Ricky.

I do not.

Here are the nurses. Let's see what they think. All right, we'll see.

Well, we'll just see.

Just don't put any words in their mouth. Don't worry, I won't have to. Okay.

Hi, folks. Hi, Lucy. Hi, Lucy. Hi, Ricky.

Hi. Are you ready to go to the movies?

You are just in time to settle something.

We are?

Yes, as two impartial observers, we'd like your opinion on something. Yeah.

Well, I'll be happy to get... Ricky, you're growing a mustache. Gee, it looks

wonderful. Oh, let me see.

Hey, that looks great.

Now, what did you want our opinion on?

Nothing, Benedict Ethel.

he looks in that mustache, and then you had to come in and louse up everything.

Well, I think he looks handsome.

I do, too. So do I.

Brother.

Besides, I have a very good reason for growing this mustache.

What is it? He wants a divorce.

You'll change your tune when you see me as the star of the new Technicolor

motion picture, Moon Over Baghdad.

Ricky! You didn't tell me you were going to star in a moving picture.

Well, I was keeping it, uh, springing on just a surprise, you know? Do you know

when you're leaving for Hollywood?

Well, not exactly.

Have you assigned your contract yet? Well, not exactly.

But they've agreed to star you.

Well, not exactly.

Well, what exactly?

Well, a talent scout from Hollywood is coming into town to look for someone to

star in the picture.

And my agent has a friend whose brother -in -law knows the talent scout's wife.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's pack.

Star you in a picture.

Well, don't you worry. I'll get an appointment to see him. Yeah, you'll get

appointment if the agent's friend's brother -in -law is still speaking to

talent scout's wife.

She's a real -life talent scout from Hollywood.

Hey, Rick, ask him if he can use a song and dance man.

And don't forget about me. I used to do an oriental dance.

or not?

I'm not leaving here till you shave off that silly mustache.

Honey, baby doll.

I'm not gonna shave it off, so why don't you just relax and enjoy it? I mean it,

Ricky. I'm not leaving here. Now, Lucy.

No!

All right.

We'll go without her. Come on.

You two go ahead. I'll stay here with Lucy. All right. Come on, Fred.

Bring me a bag of popcorn.

Okay. With lots of butter. Yeah, yeah. Got 20 cents, Rick. Come on.

Darn that Ricky. I'll get rid of his cookie duster somehow.

You know, my grandfather used to have a mustache. A great big long handlebar

one. And Grandma got rid of it in the middle of the night. How?

She tied it around a bedpost when he was asleep and then yelled, fire.

Oh!

Oh, asshole.

Hey, that gives me an idea, though.

It does?

Yeah, Ricky's not going to be the only one in this family with a mustache.

What? I'm going to glue on a false one and I'm not going to take it off till he

shaves off his.

Lucy, congratulations.

What for?

You finally topped yourself. This is the craziest idea you've had yet.

Lucy,

where are you?

I'm in here.

Where have you two been? Rick, you'll be home any minute. We had a hard time

finding it. It was down at the bottom of my vaudeville. trunk. Oh, give it here.

Let's see now. I have to cut off the beard part. Oh, no, you don't. You can't

cut that, Lucy. Those things are expensive.

Well, I can't wear the whole thing.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

This is spirit gum.

Look, I just put a little on your upper lip here. Oh, it smells awful.

Lucy,

I'm home.

Lucy, where did you get that thing?

What thing?

Those whiskers. What whiskers? These.

Oh, these.

Oh, my five o 'clock shadow.

I guess I didn't give myself very close shave this morning.

All right, Lucy, what are you up to?

Nothing, nothing. I'm just growing this so that I can get a part in that

Technicolor movie called Moon Over the North Pole. I'm going to play Santa

Claus.

Okay, okay, joke's over. Now take that ridiculous thing off your face. It makes

you look like a freak.

Oh, you think it looks funny, huh?

I certainly do.

Well, now you know how your mustache looks to me.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Well, your little gag didn't work, so just take it off.

Nothing doing. I'm not taking it off till you shave off yours.

Well, I'm not shaving.

Neither am I.

Of course, we'll have to change our name to the Smith brothers.

cups marked his and hers.

Now, Lucy, you listen to me. Now, I'm not going to stand here.

I can't stand it.

You win. Take it off and I'll shave.

Good. Shave right now.

Got it all set up for you.

There you are.

All right, all right.

You got more eyes? eyebrow pencil on there than you have whiskers.

Never mind the crack.

Get it off now.

You missed one right there.

What do you call this one, Charlie?

Now, you look like your old self again.

Welcome back, little lip.

Give me a great big kiss.

I'm not going to kiss you with that scent on. Oh, I forgot.

Gee,

this must have been put on with pretty strong stuff.

Here, let me try, honey.

Ow!

Gosh. Boy, that's really stuck.

Are you sure you didn't grow this?

I better call Fred. and find out how to get this off.

Hello? Fred, this is Lucy.

Oh, hi.

Did the joke come off all right? Yeah, the joke did, but the beard didn't.

What do you mean?

Well, I tugged and I pulled and I can't get it off.

Well, that's funny. It should come off easy.

I just used a little spirit gum.

Ricky, get me that bottle off the dresser, will you, dear? All right,

Fred, you shouldn't have used such old stuff. Maybe it changes with age. How

long have you had it?

Well, now, let's see. The last date I played was a split week in Peoria in

1925.

25?

But Spirit Comp shouldn't change.

Oh. Here, you got the bottle. Thanks, dear. I have the bottle right here,

It says Bulldog...

Call the drugstore and see if they got some of that stuff.

They won't have it in a drugstore.

They have everything in a drugstore.

Hello?

Listen, have you ever heard some stuff called bulldog cement remover number

three?

You have?

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks.

They don't make it anymore.

You mean... You mean I'll have to keep this on forever?

Well, honey, I guess it'll wear off eventually.

Well, what happens in the meantime?

Well, honey, I really should let you suffer.

But I don't have the heart to do it.

There's one simple solution.

And I'll do it for you. What?

I'll get you a job as the bearded lady in the circus.

I was looking for... Good afternoon, ma 'am.

Lucy?

Colonel Ricardo, it's your beck and call, you all.

Lucy, what are you doing in those clothes?

Well, it's the only way I get down that little old drugstore without people

laughing at little old me.

I thought maybe that little old druggist could do something for this little old

face.

Well, how did you all do, Colonel?

Bad.

old thing.

Didn't he have any ideas?

Yeah, he said dye the beard red and the head would match all over.

Oh, what'll I do?

What's the matter?

When you chew with that beard on, you look just like a billy goat.

Nobody but a nanny goat would notice it.

What?

Nah, you wouldn't go for it. What is it?

Well... Nah, you wouldn't like it.

Well, give me a chance. What is it?

Well, we'll tie a string to your beard. Yeah.

Then we'll tie the other end of the string to a flat iron. Yeah. Then I'll

throw... No!

Don't throw it!

Oh. I knew you wouldn't like it.

This is safer for little old me.

Lucy? What? You just gave me an idea.

What is it? Well, we'll set fire to your beard, but I'll stand by with a hose to

see that it doesn't get out of hand.

Ethel, this is my face. You're not burning weeds off a vacant lot.

Who is it?

It's Fred.

What do you want?

If I bring good news, can I come in?

What is it?

I must have made a thousand phone calls before I located the drugstore that

sells Bulldog cement remover number three. Oh, Fred, you doll. Where is it?

It's in Chicago.

Chicago?

Yeah, but he's sending an airmail, so it ought to be here tomorrow.

Oh. Now, Lucy, that's not bad.

Oh. Oh, Chicago.

Hello? Hello, it's Monty Wooley there.

make gags.

No, honey, this is important.

You know that talent scout I was talking to you about?

Yeah. Well, I talked to him today, and I talked him into coming to the house to

spend an evening with us. Oh, Ricky, that's wonderful, right in our own home.

When is he coming?

Tonight.

Oh, that... Oh, no, not tonight, Ricky.

Please, not tonight.

Well, honey, he's flying back to Hollywood tomorrow. If I don't get him

the house tonight, I'll never get a chance to see him alone.

But, Ricky, what about...

There's nothing I can do about it. Oh.

We'll be home about 7 .30. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh, Ricky's bringing that Hollywood talent scout to the house tonight.

He is?

No kidding?

Uh, Lucy, would you mind if we dropped in?

No, of course not. Well, we gotta go. Yeah, see you later.

Yeah, we are mr. Murdoch, huh?

Let me take the coat. Oh, thank you Make yourself at home. Why you fine?

Yeah, nice place you have here Ricardo. Thank you Sit down, thanks

Boy, I'll be glad when that picture moon over Baghdad is finished with the

casting Have a cigarette one you

You know, it's nice to spend an evening someplace else besides a hotel room or a

theater. Yes, well, that's what I thought. That's why I asked you to come

here and get a night off from show business.

Ah, that sounds good.

Oh!

I wonder how that got here.

What's that?

It's my old scrapbook.

My wife must have been doing some house cleaning.

I haven't seen this for years.

Well, let's see it.

Oh, no, no.

This is your night off. I wouldn't want to bother you with this.

All right.

This is the first bar that I had in New York.

Broadway play.

Too many girls.

Oh, yes, yes.

And over here is when I was at the Copacabana. Oh, it's very interesting.

Now, this is the place over here.

Mr. Murdoch, this is our landlord and our landlady. Ethel Mertz, former star

musical comedy. Can sing, dance, act, and do voices, have wardrobe, will

Freddie Mertz, formerly of Mertz and Kurtz. Famous vote villains.

Soft shoe, tap dancing, and smart quips.

Uh -uh.

Uh -uh.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Murdoch. I must apologize for my friends. Oh, that's all

right. Just please sit down and relax and enjoy yourself.

I've put on a little music here for you. Fine.

Not

so

far from here, there's a very lively atmosphere.

Everybody's going there this year.

And there's a reason the season never closes there.

Love and music you'll find everywhere.

People always having fun down there. So come along.

I'm on my way to Cuba.

That's where I'm going.

Cuba.

That's where I'll stay.

Cuba.

Lie there, fellows, panitellas.

Cuba, where it's all happy.

Cuba, where all is gay.

Why don't you plan a wonderful trip to Havana?

Hop on a ship and I'll see you in CU.

It's very nice.

Mr. Murdoch, you know, we have a lot of other numbers. No, I... But I could

convert some of them into the Arabian mood, you know. The little Arabian...

What is this, a stranded Major Bowes unit?

Mr. Murdoch, I want you to meet my wife, Lucy.

Lucy, this is Mr. Murdoch. How do you do?

Well, I'll say one thing for you, Mrs. Ricardo. You certainly dance very well.

Thank you.

You know, we could use some dancing girls in our new picture. Maybe we could

you. Oh, really?

Yeah, I imagine so.

Let me see your face.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no. It's just a nose, a mouth, a chin. You know, a complete set.

Oh, come on, Mrs. Ricardo.

Take off your veil.

Oh, yeah? Come on, Lucy. Take it off.

You keep out of this. Come on, Lucy.

Ricky, stay away from me. Show him your face.

Ricky. This is your big chance, man. You know, now I'm getting curious. I've got

to see that face. Yeah.

It's time for the unveiling.

Well, here's my nose.

My mouth is just below it and it has teeth and it goes sideways.

All the way.

Ricky!

Hey, honey, look what you've got here.

What? Special delivery letter from Hollywood.

What does it say? What does it say? Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Well, what do you know?

They want to test me for the lead.

Oh, Ricky, how wonderful.

Hey, wait a minute.

They want to test you, too. Where, where, where?

We think Mrs. Ricardo might be perfect for... I don't care what they pay me.

not going to play the part of your father.

The part of Mr. Murdock was played by John Brown.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.