Original subtitles

Guess who it is.

Bill?

Sam? Pat?

No.

Pedro?

Pablo? Jose?

No, it's me.

Oh, yes, of course.

Very, very funny.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, company for dinner?

Uh -huh.

Who is it?

How do you like the new water glasses, Ricky?

Who's coming for dinner, Lucy?

Doesn't the table look beautiful tonight?

Lucy, who is it?

Some people.

Lucy,

whom is coming here for dinner tonight?

Whom? You mean besides me and you?

Never mind that. What are their names?

Fred and Ethel Mertz. Wait a minute.

I thought you said Fred and Ethel had a big fight and they were mad at each

other.

I thought you said they weren't speaking to each other.

They are.

And that he was staying at the Y.

He is.

And she won't let him in the house.

She won't.

Well, if they are and they aren't and he is and she won't, how come?

Well, I thought... Lucy Esmeralda Makila Cody Ricardo.

Yes? I thought we had an understanding that you were not going to mess around

other people's affairs.

Ricky. Lucy, sometimes I think that you don't have anything inside your head.

Now, come on. Let me see.

Hey, that picture on the wall is crooked.

Oh, stop.

Now, Ricky, I can't stand seeing him apart like this. I heard Ethel

crying all morning. I'll bet Fred's eating his heart out, too.

Ha!

What do you mean, ha?

How would you like to be separated from me for three whole days?

Ha.

to get Fred and Ethel back together again. Say you'll help me. Well, it

nice. Yeah.

And I guess after you've gone through all this trouble and this fire, the cast

is dead.

The cast is dead?

Yeah, you know... Don't tell me, don't tell me.

The die is cast.

That's what I said.

Oh, fine.

Now tell me, Dorothy Dix, If they're not speaking to each other, how do you get

them to come here for dinner?

Neither one knows that the other one is coming.

Oh, that should be interesting.

There's one of the lovebirds now.

Yeah, before the evening is over, there'll be feathers flying all over the

place. Oh, not now.

Hi, Lucy. Hi, Ethel. Hi, Ricky.

Hello, Ethel. Here, take your coat, honey. Thanks.

Here, I'll take it. You look beautiful.

It was nice of you to ask me to dinner.

I almost didn't make it. I just got home.

I've been so busy socially, you know, dancing every night, luncheons and teas

every afternoon.

Oh, really?

Oh, yes.

I've been having a wonderful time.

Oh, Brett.

I haven't eaten since he left.

Oh, really?

Gee, you sure must miss him. I do not. He didn't leave me any money, the big

fat...

away, dear. Good.

Oh, four places. Is someone else coming?

Well, I didn't tell you, Ethel, but I've invited a fascinating man for you. He's

a real dream.

Oh, Lucy, you shouldn't have done that. After all, I'm still a married woman.

What's he like?

I'm not going to tell you. I want you to be surprised.

She will be.

Oh, this is exciting. I better go powder my nose.

He's a real dream, huh? Uh -huh.

Can I put on some of your good perfume? Sure.

Well, you really cooked one up this time. Now, don't worry. Everything's

to be all right. You know what'll happen? Yeah, they'll kill each other

front of our eyes.

They will not.

That must be the other lovebird now.

Hi, Rick. Hello, Fred. How are you? Here. I'm glad to see you. We sure miss

in here.

How's everything down at the Y?

Oh, fine.

Hi, Lucy. Hi, Fred.

I brought you something. Oh, thank you. You're welcome.

I was going to call up and say hello, but I've really been having a time.

Really? Yeah. You've really been living it up, huh? Have I?

Rick, I'm a free man again.

You wouldn't believe the things I've been doing.

What have you been doing? Everything I did before I was married.

No kidding?

Yeah. Handball, basketball.

I've been living on peanut butter sandwiches.

Oh, you expecting somebody else?

Well, um, yes, Fred.

I took the liberty of inviting a nice young lady to be your dinner companion.

A young lady?

Yeah, a cute young chick.

Oh.

Well, bring her on.

Young chick, huh?

Uh -huh. Am I ready?

you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Lucy, is that my date?

He's no dream. He's a nightmare.

Is that your idea of a cute young chick?

You'll never shop for my poultry.

Ah, now, come on. As long as we're all here, why don't we all sit down and eat?

Yeah, come on, Ethel. No, thanks. I just lost my appetite.

Me too.

I'm leaving. Where's my coat?

Where's my coat?

Well, all right, Ricky.

Get their coats.

Okay.

Here you are, Fred. Oh, thanks.

Here you are, Ethel.

Thank you.

Well, as long as she's leaving, I guess I could stay and help you eat that food.

You're not letting him stay and do you out of this beautiful roast beef, are

you, Ethel?

No,

why should I? Give me that coat.

Fred, you sit over here by me.

Well, thanks.

You two don't mind sharing the piano bench, do you?

and hot, too.

No potatoes, Ricky?

No, I'm strictly a meat man.

What's the matter with you, Fred?

Thank you, Lucy. Thank you. Okay.

String beans? If it weren't for you, I wouldn't get anything.

Oh,

here you are, Ethel.

Thank you.

Want some gravy, Ricky? Yeah, it's the best. On your meat? Yeah, on the meat. I

love gravy. That's it.

I love gravy.

Yeah?

There, now has everybody got everything?

Yeah.

So?

It sure looks good.

I've never been so hungry.

Oh!

Ethel, what happened? She pushed me off the bench. That's what happened.

I did not. She fell off. Oh, that does it. Roast beef or no roast beef, I'm

leaving.

Ethel, please.

Ricky, I guess this was a bad idea of mine.

Let's get their coats.

All right.

Here you are, Fred.

Thanks.

Here you are, Ethel.

Thanks.

out of here.

I'm tired of this coat. Not until you kiss and make up. I'll never speak to

again after the things he said to me.

What about the things you said to me?

She said my mother looks like a weasel.

Apologize, Ethel. No.

Oh, come on, Ethel. Tell him you're sorry.

Well, I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.

Were those the best?

All right, all right. Now you're even.

Now, what are your terms for making up, Ethel?

Well, let him apologize. He started it. I did not.

You did, too, start it. I did not. I never started it.

All right, all right. It doesn't matter who started it. What matters is how it

got started. What was it all about?

Well... Uh... I was, uh... Uh...

Well, it wasn't how it started.

It was the things we said afterward.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I apologize, honey bun.

Sweetie pie.

Baby doll.

Sugar lips.

You know, this is pretty sickening.

I liked them better when they were mad.

They sure are, Hein.

When's the last time we had a fight, Ricky?

Gosh, I don't remember, dear. Neither do I.

See, why don't you two be like us? That's a good idea.

I'll dye my hair red and Fred can speak with an accent.

Well, if I remember correctly, you two had your spats.

Well... Ricky only got to go to the fights with me last month because you

weren't speaking to each other.

Oh, yeah.

But it didn't last long.

No, I gave in and put an end to it.

Yeah, you want some more gravy, Ethel?

What'd you say, Ricky? You put an end to it. I was the one who gave in.

Oh, pardon me, honey, but I was the one that called the whole thing off,

remember?

You, why, I went all the way down to your club to apologize, remember?

Well, honey, that was after you went down all the way to the club and

apologized, after I sent you a dozen roses with a car saying that I was

remember?

Before, darling.

After, baby.

Before, dear.

After, sweetheart.

Before. After.

Before.

It's your serve.

After.

I remember how tough it was to ride that car saying that I was wrong when I was

right. Oh, you thought that you were right.

I certainly didn't.

Oh,

yeah! Yeah!

Oh, now, Ricky, take it easy. She can't talk to me that way. But she's excited.

That's no excuse.

That's plenty excuse.

And don't you make fun of my English.

That's English.

How dare you say that to me.

What did I say? I don't know, but how dare...

gives in first in this family.

And whenever

you're ready to call me and apologize, you can call me down at the club.

Don't hold your breath.

Fred.

Fred, we'd better go.

No, no, no.

Don't go.

We'll just finish our dinner.

Certainly not going to let him spoil the dinner for us.

This meat is cooked just the way I like it.

Nice and...

You've been crying.

I have not.

A rabbit should have such pink eyes.

I'm getting a cold.

Oh.

I gather Ricky didn't come home last night.

You mean that funny -looking Cuban that used to hang around here?

Yeah, that's the guy I had reference to.

No, he didn't come home last night and he didn't call this morning.

Not that it makes any difference to me.

It doesn't matter to old, indifferent you.

Why don't you call him up and tell him you're sorry?

What? Swallow my pride?

Call him up and go crawling back to him? Ha!

Well? Besides, the line was busy.

I thought so.

Call him up again. I will not. Why not? I called him once. Now it's his turn.

What if he never calls you?

Then we'll just never see each other again.

Oh, we can't have that.

Now, let's see.

I could invite you both to dinner without telling the other, but that's

done a lot lately.

Yeah.

That's a pretty stale bit.

I know.

We'll use the old sympathy routine.

Sympathy routine?

Yeah. You know how families are. No matter what differences they've had,

always unite in cases of sickness, accident, and terrible tragedy.

What are you talking about?

I'll call up Ricky and tell him you've been run over by a bus.

Oh, we'll only pretend.

Oh.

I'll wrap you all up in bandages, and then I'll call him up and tell him

had a terrible accident. That'll bring him back.

Well, it might work.

It can't miss.

Have you got plenty of adhesive tape and bandages in the house? Well, that all

depends. On what?

On what kind of a bus I get hit by, local or express.

You like the peanut butter sandwiches they serve here, Rick?

Kind of stick to the roof of your mouth, don't they?

Yeah.

Oh, just give me a small grape juice.

It's none of my business, Rick, but this is silly.

Why don't you break down and call Lucy?

What? Give her the satisfaction of knowing that I gave in first?

Well, I was just thinking.

Besides, the line was busy.

Well, what do you want to do? Go through life with a sticky upper plate?

There are other places to eat besides this drop store, you know.

You know what I mean. I know all about this business.

Why don't you swallow your pride?

I'm having enough droll with this sandwich.

If only we could think of a way to bring you two together without making you

make up first.

Let's give this a good think.

Yeah.

We're very noisy thinkers.

If only the apartment would catch on fire and you could rush in and save

What'd she put in there?

No, I saw it last week on television.

This girl couldn't stand this guy until he saved her life in a fire.

Then she was so grateful she married him.

Well, thanks, Fred. That's a swell idea, but I hardly think that I would set

your apartment building on fire.

Of course.

That's it.

You must be daffy or heavily insured.

Oh, you don't understand.

We just pretend to set the apartment on fire.

How do you pretend to have a fire? It's easy.

Is that strap tight

enough, Lucy? I guess so.

How about this? A little tighter.

How's that? Okay.

Comfortable? Yeah.

Now, put your arm in this sling. Oh.

There.

Okay. That's great. You look fine.

I hope you got the number of the bus that hit me.

You know, you look like you really were hit and dragged nine blocks.

Come on now, get in bed.

Want another pillow? Yeah.

Oh.

How's that?

Okay. Oh, I got a knit. There. Right under my arm. Right back there. Right

there. To the right. To the right. Over. Over. Up.

Oh.

I got to go before

Ricky gets home. Oh, are you sure he's coming, Ethel? I called the club and

said he was out, but they gave him the message. Well, I hope he hurries.

Are you okay?

Okay? I've been in a terrible accident.

Good luck.

She must be in the bedroom. Pull that couch out of there. Okay. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

I got it. Go ahead.

Think this ought to do it? Yeah.

after the whole gag was my idea, she got mad and went home to her mother.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.