Original subtitles

Ricky?

Ricky?

He isn't home yet.

Oh.

And what is this, Ethel? It's the third time today you've been up here asking

for Ricky.

Well, Fred and I want to talk to him about his ad and variety. Ethel. Ad and

variety? See you later, Lucia. We've got to go. Ethel, what is it? Come on,

Ethel. Ethel, tell me. Come on.

Ethel. Wait a minute. I'm going to have to let go or I'm going to have a split

personality.

Well, as long as you've opened your big bazoo, you might as well tell her the

whole thing.

All right.

You see, it's this way. We saw Ricky's ad in Variety. Ricky's ad?

What's it for? He's looking for new acts for his show down at the club. I didn't

see that. Where's our Variety?

Here it is. It's inside the back page, I think.

How do you like that?

He cut it out.

He told me there was a recipe in here he wanted to save.

He's a slick one, all right. He'd do anything to keep you from going in show

business. Yeah. Well, what kind of acts does Tricky Ricky need?

Well, he needs a dance team.

That's where Fred and I come in. Yeah, anywhere where I come in?

Well, he needs a good dog act.

Well, thanks a lot, Fred Mertz. And the ad said he needed a beautiful showgirl,

too. That's me.

Sure. Hey, looks like there's a spot for all of us in his show. Yeah. And this

time we're not going to let him talk us out of it. No. Not for one minute.

Hi, everybody.

and variety.

That's it, huh? Yeah, that's it. Give us a chance to show you our room, too,

will you, Rick? Come on, you might like it if you give us a chance to show it to

you.

Thanks for coming down, folks.

And don't call us. We'll call you.

I'm sorry, but the casting office is closed for the day.

dancers and a showgirl, or the mercies and my wife?

Well, you better make up your mind.

Who is it going to be?

Now, wait a minute. Now, Ricky, before you say no, take a good look at us.

wonderful dancers.

The least you could do is give them an audition.

Ta -da!

All right, all right. They can come down and audition.

But you're not going to get any more consideration than anyone else. Good

enough. All right.

Now that that's all settled, how about a little game of cards, eh? Well, Ricky,

what about me?

Oh, you can play, too.

Oh, I mean, you're giving Fred and Ethel their chance.

Haven't you got a place for me in the show?

Why, sure, honey. I got just the place for you. Where?

Up front in the audience.

Oh, you...

I think you're being mean.

If you keep Lucy from doing what she wants to do, she'll develop some sort of

complex. Yeah.

She might become depressed.

Yeah.

She might even go off her trolley.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Dr.

Mertz.

Now, what is it going to be, Rachel Canasta?

You make me so mad. Now, we're going to have this out right now.

You're never going to let me be in your show, are you? Never, never, never.

Now, honey, don't be so upset.

Who knows?

Maybe someday in the far distant future you may get your chance.

Where? In that big nightclub up yonder?

I can see it now. Ricky Ricardo and his heavenly review starring Lucy and her

magic harp.

yourself a cup of coffee.

Thanks, I will.

Why'd you sit down?

Don't mind if I do.

Help yourself to a cookie.

No thanks, I'm not hungry.

What are you reading?

Listen, do you remember last night when you told Ricky that if I didn't get into

show business, I might develop some sort of a complex?

Yeah. Well, you were right. Yeah. I got this book at the library, and it says

anybody who is constantly frustrated may do all sorts of things.

So? So, look.

Abnormal psychology.

Yeah, I'm learning to act abnormal.

For this, you need a book?

I thought you were on my side. I am, but I was just making all that stuff up as

I went along last night. I don't really know anything about it. Oh, yes, you do.

Listen to this.

A person who is kept from attaining his innermost desires may manifest this

frustration in the following ways.

One, he may assume the characteristics of the person he is kept from becoming.

Now, you know Ricky's kept me from becoming a famous actress. Uh -huh.

Two, he may develop amnesia.

Uh -huh. Three, he may withdraw from reality and become childlike again.

Gee, what a keen bunch of complexes. Which one am I going to have?

Which one? I'm going to have all three of them.

All three of them? Certainly.

Well, this I got to see.

I'm home.

Hello, darling.

Hello.

How things go, rehearsal darling?

How'd things go here at home? Oh, frightful, darling.

The phone woke me at the crack of noon.

Noel called.

We chatted till one, I bathed till two, turned down scripts until three.

Then Noel, darling, sent me those darling presents.

Oh, yes, it was a darling Cadillac. You should really see it, darling. It's

darling.

What is this?

What's what, darling?

be yourself, huh? I'd be very happy to be myself if I could remember who I am.

Who am I?

Who are you?

Well, don't you know either, Buster?

Buster?

What kind of a guy is this?

Now, Lucy, what are you trying to do?

Lucy, is that my name?

Well, it was when I left here this morning.

for the past five years.

Oh, we better get married.

We are married.

Ha! You say that, but how do I know that it's true?

Honey, what are you talking about?

Are you sure you're well?

No, I'm not.

Could it possibly be that you're suffering from magnesia?

Amnesia. Oh, who am I? What am I? Where am I?

Oh, honey, look, honey, look around you. Doesn't this place look familiar to

you? No.

Honey, now, come on. Try to think. Honey, look. Oh, honey, come here.

Look there. Do you remember this picture? I gave it to you.

Oh, she's pretty.

Who is she?

Honey, I think you're really sick.

Maybe you better go and lie down, huh?

All right.

I'll go lie down.

Yeah.

That's not the bedroom, dear.

Oh.

That's not either.

Oh.

Now, honey, over here.

That's where the bedroom is. Right here, honey. Oh. Now, you take it easy,

honey. Oh.

You have a very lovely apartment here, mister.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hello?

Hello, is Dr.

Stevenson in?

Well, look, please, please tell him to call me as soon as he gets in.

Oh, this is Ricky Ricardo.

Yes.

It's about my wife.

She's acting peculiar.

Yeah, I know, I know.

Well, this time it's even worse.

What?

Oh, I see.

I should humor her until the doctor calls me.

All right.

All right, I'll humor her.

Yes, bye.

I'll take you for a ride.

Still think she's a child?

Yeah.

She's in the bedroom with Ethel.

They're playing jacks.

Ricky, I gotta tell you something.

Not now, Fred. Not now. Later, please. Lucy is faking.

Look, Fred, we'll talk about it later. The most important thing right now is

health.

What do you mean she's faking? I was downstairs in the basement listening

through the furnace pipe.

And I heard everything that Lucy and Ethel said.

Well, why didn't you tell me before?

It took me an hour to get my head out of the pipe.

Why, that little monkey.

She'll do anything to get in the act, won't she? Looks like.

Oh, brother, I got a wonderful idea.

I'm going to teach her a lesson she will never forget.

Are you phoning the doctor?

No.

I'm phoning an actor friend of mine, Hal March.

Hello? Hello, Hal?

Who's this, Ricky?

Yeah, this is Ricky.

Listen, Hal, I got a job for you. The part of a doctor.

Good. What's the show?

Well, the show is called Getting Even with Lucy.

And it all takes place right here in my apartment.

What? Yeah, here's the way it goes.

Lucy's been pretending that she's sick.

So that I feel sorry for her and give her a part in my new show.

So I want you to come over here and pretend that you're a doctor, see?

And while you're giving her a checkup, you will discover that she has a very

unusual condition.

Some rare tropical disease.

Like what?

I don't know. Make it up.

Be tough to keep a straight face. It's an awful dirty trick, Ricky.

Yeah, I know.

Like they say in Mexico.

Mira, amigo, allá va el zorrillo.

What's that mean?

I'm a real stinker.

What comes after twosies?

Three. Oh, yeah.

I'd forgotten how much... fun this was.

Yes? May I come in?

Oh, yes.

How do you feel, little girl?

Oh, she's not at all well. She has a terrible fever.

I feel fine, mister.

I'm playing jack.

Oh, Ethel, it's all my fault.

I wish you would snap out of it.

You know, I just decided to start her in the club.

Ricky, that's wonderful.

Wow, what do you know? She got her memory back.

Oh, yes, I know who I am.

I'm Lucy, and you're Ricky.

Apple!

Welcome home, honey.

Well,

when do we start rehearsal? Now, wait a minute, honey, wait a minute.

You know, you've been very sick.

So I asked a doctor to come over.

A doctor?

Yes. You can't take a hard job like that without a checkup. But I feel fine.

Oh, no, no, no. Never mind that. But I feel fine.

Doctor!

Come in, Doctor.

This is my wife, Lucy, Doctor. How do you do, Mrs. Ricardo?

I feel fine.

Yeah, well, would you remove this, please? I won't need that. Excuse me.

Mr. Ricardo.

Say bye, Dad.

Oh, yes. Now, if you'll just open your mouth, Mr. Ricardo, and stick out your

tongue. Say ah.

Ah. Ah.

Ah. Ah.

Oh. Oh.

What is it, Doctor?

I don't know yet.

Is it very bad, Doctor? We'll have to see.

Well, I feel fine.

No, I'm...

Please, please, Mrs. Ricardo, don't talk. You may need all your strength.

hold that right there. Now, if you'll just turn around and give me a little

cough. Miss Ricardo, a little cough.

Louder.

Now,

Miss Ricardo, if you'll just give me one good cough.

Just

as

I... Well,

what is it? You can tell me. I can take it.

Frankly, Mrs.

Ricardo, you've contracted a terrible, terrible attack of the gobluts.

Gobluts? Doctor, what kind of a disease is that?

Well, we doctors don't know too much about it, but there's a terrible

of it lately. It seems it came into the country in the hind legs of the booshu

bird.

I got the gobluts from a bushu bird?

Yeah.

Tell me, Doctor, is it very, very serious?

Well, Mr. Ricardo, I may as well be honest with you. If it gets worse, we

have to operate.

Operate? Yes, we'll have to go in and take out your zorch.

My zorch? There's nothing wrong with my zorch.

Now, don't be alarmed, Mrs. Ricardo. Some people go on for years without a

zorge.

Well, is the operation painful?

No, no. We anesthetize thoroughly for a zorgectomy.

Well, tell me, Doctor, would you be forced to remove the entire zorge?

Well, Mr. Ricardo, we may be very fortunate and save half.

And as I always say, half a zorge is better than none.

Of course, even if I'm able to save half, you'll never be able to trommel

I won't.

Oh.

What's trommeling?

Well, it's an involuntary internal process.

Oh. Doctor.

Is there anything we can do for her?

All we can do is just wait. She should reach the crisis very soon.

Just wait and hope that she doesn't turn green.

Green? Yes, yes, green. That's the danger sign.

What happens then?

If you turn green, a half hour later, gone.

Gone?

Gone.

How's the patient? Did she get rid of the gold blutes?

I'm afraid not, Fred.

She just turned green.

Now, don't be silly. There's no such thing as gold blutes.

Thanks.

I know, I know.

But they're such a thing as the green light bulb.

You didn't.

Yes, I did.

Oh, you rascal, you.

I sneaked in there while she was asleep.

And I put a green light bulb in the lamp by her bed.

Well, how did you keep Ethel from finding out? I sent Florence Nightingale

the drugstore for some aspirin. Oh, good.

And listen, when she comes back, you better get her to bed. Why?

Well, she told me that she's starting to feel some pains in her storage, too.

Oh, no, no.

Come on, the fun is about to begin.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Ricky. What's the matter? honey? My hands, they're green.

Why, they are.

Your face is green, too.

eyeballs. You take one of these and you're... You're green.

I've been sick.

Oh, you poor little green thing.

Oh, this is it, Ricky.

This is it. I'm going.

Goodbye, Ethel.

Goodbye. Goodbye, Fred.

So long, chum.

I asked some of the boys in the band to come over here and play a farewell dirge

for you.

What did he say?

Some of the boys in the band came over to play a farewell dirge. Oh.

Well, I'll try to hang on.

I wouldn't want them to have made the trip for nothing.

Good girl, good girl.

This is the last music that she will ever hear.

So make it sweet.

There's no such thing as the gobluts.

How can you look me in my green eye and say that?

Well, honey, you're not green either.

Show her, Fred.

All right.

A green light bulb?

Yeah. Then you mean I'm not really thick at all? Yeah, honey, you're perfectly

well. You were just pretending all the time, you big bum. Now, wait a minute.

Remember, you pretended first, you know.

This makes us igual Pascual.

What does that mean?

That's even Steven in Spanish.

I guess you're right, honey.

Well,

when do we start rehearsing?

Rehearsing?

say it, you know.

I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.