Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. You know I was thinking I'd try to hang on, god damn

And I fucked up his dad.

So where's he leaving me? A piece of property.

Where? Manhattan.

What's going on?

Well, I'm just separated, so... What does your gay say?

Lola! Get me a gay!

I'm Steven Harrington, and I'm here for the position.

How does this place run?

What's the operation here? Oh, no, no, no. You don't ask the doctor questions

like that. I take care of all that sort of thing. I've got something for your

sinusitis. Wow, that's a lot of cocaine.

Listen. Are you a coke girl? No, no. I'm seven up.

I do not want to be with men anymore.

I'm going to be married to my work.

Welcome. Good morning. So someone's thinking about having a baby.

Wonderful.

Let's look.

Well, everything is okay a bit of a high blood pressure, but we're gonna take

care of you, right?

What made you want to do it just to fill a hole?

Just relax relax relax. Okay, you're going to be all right.

Oh Open oh, it's open.

Okay. No, it's not open Okay, okay, very good.

Isn't there some kind of general anesthesia or doctor come on

We're going to take care of everything. We're going to take a look, make sure

everything is okay.

Ow!

I haven't done anything.

Just relax.

Oh. Oh.

Okay.

Um. What?

I need to consult one of my colleagues.

Something wrong?

Okay, I'll be right back.

Okay.

Rain.

Bye. Bye.

Did your parents call? No.

Were you raped?

No.

I don't have a uterus.

I'm just curious, how did you not know that until today?

How would I?

The point is, I cannot have children.

Says who?

What? My friends Randy and Dennis, neither of them have uteri, and now they

three. Beautiful special needs children. Oh, you could.

That's a good idea. You can adopt Elizabeth.

Well, actually, no, they didn't adopt. They found a host.

Surrogacy. I want a host.

Yeah. Oh, no, you don't want to get involved with that.

Messy business. They go after your money. They get greedy.

Oh, God. No, no, no, no. No, you find yourself a fertile little corn -fed girl

in Kansas, rent her womb, and then you can move them into your house and

their habits during the pregnancy, and then when it's done, bye.

No, no, you want to adopt because you can picket.

Like at a puppy mill?

Exactly.

Twinkle, you son of a bitch.

My woman.

Dr. Good?

Dave Bautista.

Oh, yes, it is.

Hello, Dave Bautista.

Oh, do most people faint when that happens?

Please, have a seat.

Well, you are just all man, aren't you?

I am, I guess.

It's not him.

The other guy said it. It's not him. I'm telling you, it's not him. It's him.

It's not him. What?

Excuse me.

Hi. Hi.

How you doing? Good. Good morning.

Are you a doctor?

It's not him. I told you five times it's not him. Let him answer. Yeah, yeah.

I'm a doctor. You're a doctor. Yes. And you've been on TV, correct?

Yeah. Yeah. You're the Hollywood doctor.

That's right.

That's right. You see? You see, Pat?

This kind of thing is really the bane of my existence, if you know what I mean.

I just, you... I don't know what you mean. Well, I just mean that you men

just work out in the gym and drive sports cars and date pinups is, you

Let me just say this.

I know what you're expecting. You're expecting this big guy comes in, lifting

weights all the time and eating raw meat and hitting people over the head with

chairs. That's not me. I mean, that's not who I am. That's the other side of

People, you know, they always judge me.

Kind of like the way you're judging me now. Oh, I'm not judging you. I'm your

therapist. There is no judgment here.

Who actually told you to come to therapy?

Vinnie Mack. Vinnie Mack.

I've been treating Vinnie since he was a foot model.

You've got to come with us.

Let's go. What do you mean, I've got to come?

We have someone who would like to speak.

Do you need to have a talk?

It's an associate of ours who has some issues he needs to discuss. Oh, all

right. And we think you would be very helpful. Well, good. Very helpful. He's

diplomatic. You have to get some talk.

You don't want to slam your... Still don't think it's him?

Oh, okay.

So what did he tell you about any of his problems?

Tell me a little bit about some of the other things in your life when you're

not, you know, head jamming and eating deer.

Yeah, pretty normal guy.

Hobbies of any kind? No, I spend a lot of time with my daughter.

I'm a single dad, so.

You're a single dad?

Yeah. Well, how do your parents feel about that?

Pretty good. I was raised by a single mom.

You were raised by a single mom? Yeah, yeah. Could you... Lola!

Steve.

Right now, right now.

He was raised by a single mom.

Oh, oh, right, right.

I did see it, though. It was right there in hello.

Steve?

So, um, what do you do? He wrestles other men.

Who doesn't?

So you were raised by one person. Raised by a single mom, yeah.

No male role model is very difficult for a child. It was all that I knew my mom

was a male and female role model Yeah, and what it was your father in the

picture? No, no, he's you know, he doesn't we live in San Francisco. We

DC He's a hairdresser there. Oh, what's his name?

It's a gonna stay it saves me time because I'm just gonna tell him

anyway, right?

Don't lose office.

Oh Hi, yes, I know you how you

Um, well, what about me? I mean, I would think I'm the epitome of a single

mother. You know, I coach single moms. I try to help them out with the problems

of raising kids by themselves.

I think it's pretty much a good choice for almost any woman.

I don't know about you, though.

Why not me?

You seem a little bitter.

I'm just being honest.

Mr. Batista, I think if you look around, you'll find somebody that is not

only... Oh.

Oh.

Oh, anyway, how are we helping Mr. Batista today? Would you like some kind

chamomile tea or a latte? No, thank you. No, sweetie?

Oh, just water.

Just the water.

Just water. Just the water.

Why do you think you need to find a different coach?

Maybe that's it. I mean, are there...

I can't imagine that I'm any different from a lot of the women you coach. I

mean, I'm financially sound. I certainly can hire enough people to emotionally

and physically. She can get a nanny.

Yeah, I mean, how hard is it to just add water, really?

Well, well, famous shrink to the stars.

Sorry about all that business. That's all right. Thanks for the limo. Well,

nothing really.

What is this about the shrink to the stars?

That's you.

No. No. I'm Dr. Myron Finkelstein, but unfortunately, that's not me. Then

explain this.

Do you have any celebrity patients?

Yeah. That's me, but the one you're looking for, this celebrity shrink, is

Elizabeth Good. So I don't want you.

I want her. That's right.

I told you so.

Okay, is the car downstairs? Can I get a ride back?

No.

So how are you doing? How's your personal life?

I can't say it's gotten any better.

What is it about relationships that makes you kind of screech to a halt?

Well, I mean, whether it's the smell or dirty socks on the floor or you get into

the relationship, then it doesn't become about the person as they were. It

becomes about all this bullshit you develop between each other.

I mean, honestly, I'm happier just going to, like, an Asian massage parlor and

just getting... Why Asian and not Swedish?

They don't talk.

Wow. Did you really think that listening to someone's private therapy session is

ethical? Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were the ethicist in the office.

I wasn't aware that there was an ethicist in the office.

I want to do some word association with you.

I'm going to say a word, and you're going to say the first thing that comes

your mind, okay?

Ready? Yeah.

Orange.

Apple.

Scrotum.

Sauna. Rice.

Sex.

I can't help but have noticed that you're maybe a little prickly with me.

I don't know what I've done to... I don't know if you've been deliberately

trying to usurp me with the doctor, but she and I have a very, very close

relationship, and I'm just not digging the over -familiarity.

Lizzie, I call her Elizabeth.

Oh, my God, it's that time.

What? Oh, no, you're one of those gays. You put it down to my menses. Is that

what it is? So what you're saying to me is that a geisha would be the perfect

partner for you. If it wasn't politically incorrect, yeah.

You would be happy with somebody with a lot of powder on and a fan cleaning your

cuticles and dropping sweet shrimp in your mouth.

I don't really like shrimp, but, I mean, generally, yeah, yeah.

Seriously, seriously, what did I do?

You should just drop the surrogacy thing I've been meaning to tell you. Just

drop it.

I already have. I've seen it's not going to work.

Yeah, because it's a women's intuition thing, and I just know she's not into

Don't push it.

Let me try something else.

If you had a choice between these...

Two people to have a relationship with she's got a great personality.

She's a children's book illustrator She has absolutely no hobbies and nothing

except air in her head again. I gotta be honest I mean I'd be more attracted to

that girl there than the warm fuzzy duck

You would rather sit with a piece of plastic that hasn't said a word in 40

to a woman who has taken in stray kittens and who can make fantastic

pasta? You would prefer this over this?

Hey, would you mind if I listened to just a little bit of the session?

All right, thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

This is what I want you to do for next week.

I want you to try not to go to any massage parlors and be masturbated by

nameless person. I want you to go somewhere where people congregate, and I

you to go talk to somebody before you bring them into your bed.

And I want her to be overweight, and I want her to be unkempt. Do you think you

can do that for one week, Jason?

You think that would be good for me? I think it would be a start.

At least find out her name.

Hi, Tiny.

Good. This is Arthur Graham from the Hot Tots Adoption Agency.

Oh, thank you so much, Arthur.

My pleasure.

Oh, thank you for coming so quickly. I know everybody wants one. I don't even

mean to name drop it. I've been working with Ryan Seacrest all morning. Oh,

terrific. Oh, gosh.

Well, you know, in these bad economic times, a lot of people are dumping their

houses and investing in children.

I know.

Oh, I love this.

So gorgeous.

Shall I stay to make notes?

No, I think I'm fine.

Are you, Arthur?

Yeah. Good, good.

If you ever have a baby, she could nurse it.

Yeah.

Well, let's get started. Listen, Arthur, if you wouldn't mind, I just want to

talk to you for a second. This is kind of a delicate matter. Okay, doctor, now

you're going to read this exactly as it's written. Do you understand?

Dr. Good, we are the Freudian Liberation Organization, the FLO. We have taken

this prisoner hostage.

Pretend it. You've got to run in front of the camera. Well, just read it. You

should read it. You're the guy, you idiot.

I'm not the guy. You are.

I read it, you schmuck. Take two. I'm just going through a lot of stuff.

physically and financially, and I just want to have one. You know, I want to

kind of fill that hole.

The good news is that Hot Tots has a very generous credit program. Okay.

So we can start today with no money down.

Oh. And no interest for one year.

Really? Unless you come to claim him, we will execute him, and his blood will be

on your hands. That's very dramatic. Just shut up and read it. Who wrote

Read the card. You have until 1 ,900 hours.

Eastern Standard Time.

Let's continue with some questions.

Okay. These are true or false. Okay. Don't worry about what you say. There's

right or wrong answers. Okay. All right.

I am a convicted felon. You are?

No. I am? I'm saying that? Yeah. Are you a convicted felon? False.

Handicapped children should be loved like anyone else.

I feel like if I say true, then I'm going to get one. So let's say false.

I date often and with a variety of people.

Some minorities are stupid.

Is it the nanny question?

It's just a general question. Okay. True.

Should I list them?

Well, is it 7 a .m. or 7 p .m.? Did you write that down?

7 a .m. How do we know it's 7 a .m.? We don't know that. It doesn't say 7 a .m.

But is it she's where? She's on the coast, so she's three hours earlier.

How come you didn't adopt?

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Every time I stick it in, out pops a kid.

Oh, she's that way. It's like she's got manure up there or something. They just

grow. Does she still look pregnant?

If you're asking is she fat, the answer is yes. Yeah.

Well, I like you.

I really do. Thank you.

I'm going to do something I'm not supposed to do.

We have five kids that we keep on reserve for, you know, Angelina or Brad

Tom Cruise or whatever. But we've got...

a couple here and maybe just maybe i can pull some strings you ready yeah these

are the the hot top top five give me the freshies um cutest little girl you'd

ever want to see she's six months old her name is laquana she's an african you

don't want an african -american all right I

have

a 16 -year -old Latin child. No, are you kidding me?

That's the best you can do? Those are the hot tots?

I've got one more.

The cutest kid you've ever wanted to meet. He was recently returned by Kathy

Griffin. His name is Eddie.

Okay, look, I don't feel like you're understanding what I'm saying. I want a

-month -old, blonde ringlet, big blue eyes, but really far apart. I don't want

people to know that I bought it.

I want them to think it's mine.

It's some sort of military time. It's 7 o 'clock. What time does that make it? I

don't know. 7 o 'clock. Would you be quiet? Oh,

what is this, a joke? Come on, take this off. Come on, will you?

What are you guys, retarded?

I'll give you the honest to God's truth. It's not impossible.

Okay. We can get it. All right.

All right?

Every once in a while there's a natural disaster and a baby washes up or, you

know, you get the pregnant cheerleader in Texas. One of those things.

I need it now.

I want it for the weekend.

The quickest you're going to get anybody is three months.

Oh, don't get upset.

I can't wait that long.

You're going to have to wait that long if that's what you want. I'm sorry.

I tell you, I would kill for your wife's uterus.

Oh.

Sometimes I have to kill for it, too.

Well, we'll be in touch.

I just don't understand why it's so hard to get something as stupid as a kid.

As you're gay, I should have spoken up when Lola presented a preposterous idea

of adoption. I knew it wasn't a good idea.

What about Doogie and Sal?

You mean Dennis and his partner?

Yeah. No, they like theirs. They're not going to give them to you. No, no, no,

no. But who made them?

Oh, well, that was a surrogacy thing, but I thought you didn't like that.

I'll do it now.

Thank you.

Let's do that. Okay, well... Okay, good.

Now, first off, benefits of surrogacy. You're going to be able to choose a

donor. You're going to be able to choose a host. We can do genetic profiling,

the recessive, the dominant, whatever. You can determine everything.

What about the sauce?

Uh, oh, gosh, good question, good question, good question. Sperm bank!

Are you kidding? I had friends that went there thinking they were getting like

this underwear model PhD guy.

Ugliest, dumbest baby you've ever seen.

I don't want a Dullard. No.

And I don't want the tabloids getting a hold of that.

I'm going to need a minivan, some duct tape, and a crucifix.

Badges, eh?

for you all right cups one through ten caucasians cups 11 through 20

latin american slash mediterranean cups 21 through 25 are asian pacific rim and

pacific islander also there's a greek thrown in there maybe that was just for

take my hand

No, look, clear my schedule. We're going shopping.

Could you go to full schedule?

I decided now I would try a heel.

Thank you for calling the offices of Dr. Good.

Please leave your... Hey,

Dr. Good, it's Jason Lewis.

Listen, I'm going out of my fucking mind here. I'm trying to take your advice,

but it's not working for me. I just drove by a fucking...

Hello, Mr.

Lewis.

Are you right and erect?

No talking. Please.

Sorry, Mr.

Lewis.

No problem.

No problem.

So you leave headshots instead of a tip. Why make them go through the trouble

and the fear of asking, have you ever walked up to a famous person? Well, you

deal with famous people like me all the time. It's got to be intimidating, and

you've got to get into a zone where you're just like, I've got to look for

soul inside.

Yeah, but the difference is they walk into me.

Well, you still have to sit opposite a George Clooney, a Brad Pitt, a Craig

Bierko. What do you consider to be Greg Bierko's greatest tip?

Craig Bierko.

Craig Bierko.

Yeah. Oh.

I'm sorry.

It's not Greg.

I just... Continue?

Oh, I'm sorry, ladies. There's a... Yeah. Lola.

That's right.

Drink it all in. Um, that's not exactly the advice I gave you. Oh, now, who do

you think's listening to your advice around here?

Certainly not the doctor.

And certainly not me.

I don't want to get off on some fame thing. I didn't do this to be famous. I

just happen to be very famous.

I can't go to the mall anymore.

Yes, you can. No, I can't because I'm chasing everybody around going, yes,

it's me. She definitely prefers me.

There's no competition here.

How are you? She's so sure of that when you're absolutely so wrong, okay?

I've seen the change in her and the way she treats me and the way she treats you

and you've seen it too. She will never treat us the same. I am her favorite.

Don't even try it. Of course you won't treat us the same. I am now her gay, all

right? And you cannot compete with that, Mrs.

I'm her Lola.

You'll never compete with that.

What kind of a comeback was that? You just put your first name in there. What

I'm trying to figure out is how we...

strip you of thinking that you are somebody when, in fact, you're not.

Oh, I wish. To go back to the time where anonymous wasn't just some meeting.

This all exists in your mind. In fact, there's really no notoriety or fame or

anything attached to who you are. I find that to be a complicated denial.

That's why you're here.

a style idea.

It comes to me. I bring a youth and vitality that you'll never have, you

linch. Oh my God. If you bring her style, then bring her style down to

Gras because that's where you're going, sister.

Let me ask you something else. Are you Brad Pitt or are you Kurt Russell? I'm

Craig Bierko. Yeah.

So that's in a whole stratosphere. And that's something they got to deal with.

can't do it for them. Who's they, by the way? Brad Pitt and Kurt Russell. Have

you won an Oscar?

No, I can't travel forward in time. I got to wait around just like everybody

else. Yeah.

You are so scared right now. I am not scared. I don't get scared. Do I look

scared to you? That looks, that is the definition of terror.

It is not terror. This is confidence. You're losing your cool.

I never lose my cool. Oh, you're losing your cool right now. I never lose my

cool. You're going to blow like a volcano.

I don't blow. I never blow.

Well, of course not, because who would want to stick their dick in that putrid

British mouth of yours?

I just want to say why when a beautiful woman enters a room, you get so cuckoo.

Maybe I'm misreading it, but does every woman in the world want a piece of this?

I am going to be honest that I am going to take that as a come on, and this

cannot happen.

No. It cannot. Why would I think I could make love to somebody?

Like you. Thank you. I can't even believe you're here. You're a big, fat,

rubbish gay.

You are such a fucking neurotic, retarded poodle following Dr.

Good around like, oh, give me some kind of a compliment. Give me some kind of a

compliment. You ginger little bitch. I was shaping you and you turn into a

fucking second rate Eliza Doolittle. Back to the flower market.

You are shaping me. Bye -bye now.

What was I thinking? You know what? I knew the second you stepped in this

that you were a fucking fake.

You're a fake. You are.

You know, I think ultimately there's a reason that there are four seasons.

I think at a certain point in life there needs to be change, you know, and I

think what we're dealing with is an early frost.

My life has not gone into a direction I would have otherwise coursed, but now

that it has, I think it's important to clean house.

You know, I'm sorry, Lizzie, but I can see where this is going.

Steve,

you're perfection.

Lola.

You're going to need to go.

Go where?

Lowell, you're fired.

Oh, you can't fire me.

Well, why not?

I'm having your baby.

All right, boys, come on.

You've come to Papa.

I didn't mean to leave you alone.

Let me out.