Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. You are engaged and you are feeling happy. Happy. Are

you present at all?

Yeah. Maisie!

Were you sitting at my wedding?

This is a real relationship.

We're going to go the distance.

Have you ever done the Trojan helmet?

Oh God, I don't know what that is. Why is everybody dead?

Well, people die.

I now pronounce you not man and wife.

Congratulations. I'm getting married.

Okay, this is the last one, right? Yep, this is Lemon Dream.

And then I thought just like a chocolate fountain and a vegan one for Ellen and

Portia and your client.

They're confirmed?

Yeah. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. Who else again?

Hey, who's not coming?

Listen, the wedding planner is going to come this afternoon.

Today? Yeah, at 3 o 'clock because I figure, I mean, we're like seconds away

from game time. No, that's exciting. We need the quarterback.

Three's is not great for me. I've got a thing.

Are you so excited?

Yeah, I mean, yeah, no.

I have herpes.

What? Like, down there?

All over.

I don't care.

I don't care, honey.

I'm the last woman you're ever going to make love to.

Who cares what you have? Honey, what's yours is mine.

Bring it on.

Okay, I don't feel that way.

Guys, this is too nervous. Who cares?

Okay, how did you go running? No, I have swimmer's ear. I mean... Okay.

That's not to say it's okay.

So cute.

Thanks for understanding.

Right, you're the last person I'm going to be with.

Do you really have herpes?

As many of you determined, this is probably the last staff meeting before

big day.

It's going to be busy around here. For the next few weeks, it is going to be

presents and flowers and packages.

I want everyone to be on the ball.

All the presents go in my office, and then the door is locked.

The other thing is that I have packed most of my patients in before I leave.

That way they feel taken care of. If there's an emergency or anything like

I don't care. Delicious.

And one last thing. Lola, I need to insure my ring.

It's worth more than this whole building.

You want to touch it? Okay, what else? Any other questions?

About you being away, could I nominally be the person in charge? Yes. I need a

bikini wax. I need an Aerith bathing suit. I need you to pack me before I go.

Who knew at this point of my professional caliber that I would be a

bride?

Don't your patients need someone to talk to while you're gone?

You know, you got a lot of whack jobs there.

You did both hear that I'm the boss, right?

And I've been having these crazy dreams, like adoption dreams.

You know, like sometimes I'm adopted, sometimes I have adopted kids.

I'm not going to adopt kids, and I know I'm not adopted. I mean, you tell me if

I was adopted, although many times I've wondered because...

Anyway, good chance.

Yes, I'd be right there.

So, Larry, what brings you into therapy today?

Little League.

Little League baseball?

Yeah, Little League. It's baseball. Do you play it?

Of course I don't play it. The reason I'm here is I'm getting...

Really overwhelmingly angry at a lot of the other parents angry like homicidal

like Inflict pain or just yeah, I mean we all have fantasies about strangling

someone at some point are your specific To the person yeah, yeah Okay

Hey, hi, how you doing good?

Anyway, I'm I'm trying to figure out what kind of just where I am like what

am I going to do for a living? What kind of job?

It's just... Okay.

I'm going.

Elena, I thought we were talking here.

Come here.

Oh, were we? Yeah.

What were we talking about?

Dad? What, you forget?

I'm... trying to talk to you.

Sometimes I get my fingers...

twine through that fence so tight. My wife has said to me, by the way, go

You're not having fun. Right, right, right. It should be fun. Right.

But it's not fun. In your mind, do you plot out?

Let's say, let's call it murder just for the sake of it. Do you plot out?

Plot it out. Yeah. I get to a point where I get my... Look at these.

Oh, are they gorgeous. Justin Timberlake. Oh, I think right there.

Right here. Right here.

Look. Thank you.

All right.

She just comes in the office without knocking.

Larry, Larry, there's something wrong with an assistant coming in to place

flowers in the room. If anything, I would think this would uplift your

You got kids?

Yes, I have two.

And this is your check for today.

You ready to pay?

Yeah, put it on my tab. No, no, no, no, no. Your credit is never good anymore.

What do you mean? As a matter of fact, I have four more from last week, and I

just... I have to talk to Jeff about this. You're just getting impossible.

knows about it. That's my tab. Well, that's why he asked me to get your money

cashed today.

I've never seen you like this before.

Well, because you never pay.

Well, but that's what a tab is.

How many children do you have in Little League?

Is that important?

I think it doubles your anger if there's two, and it triples it if there's

three. Well, there's two. Two boys?

Yeah.

So two boys in Little League.

Does that have to be circled?

Yeah.

Don't forget this marriage was a business arrangement.

Yeah, it's just business.

And, you know, and now I'll get back to my single life. I get back to bottles of

wine with girlfriends. Oh, yeah. You know, holidays with girls and not having

worry about men. Because believe me, there's a lot of them knocking at this

now that it's open again.

Maybe I should introduce you to my brother. He's my twin, you know.

Your twin?

Yeah, he's a very nice guy.

Oh. Just like me, a true gentleman.

Oh, God.

That and bless, really.

I could call him.

Oh, you know, actually, that's the wedding planner, I think.

I'll call him later.

Let me ask you this. Who do you identify with more, which child?

Well, I don't pick between the kids.

Wouldn't it be easier if you didn't have to cheer for two kids?

Just pick one, older or younger.

I don't pick between the kids. This one, this one.

I don't think you're listening to me. I don't want to pick one kid over the

other because I don't love one more than the other. Here's the thing. This is

going to alleviate so much stress. Okay.

The younger one's better at baseball. Are we back to this? That's where you

the money. He's not better at baseball.

Boom, boom, boom on him. The other one can watch.

The other one can get popcorn, get snacks.

Is this an approach you have of making... And he plays chess well. You

something? I'm not going to play this game. You know why you're angry, Larry?

Why is that?

Because you know I'm right.

So far...

Here we go again. What is this now? This is Carmela Ruggiero.

The wedding planner. Oh!

Wedding foreman, I prefer. I have been trying to get you.

Oh, my. Busy, busy, you know.

Oh, God.

Larry. Hi, this is my wedding planner.

What the fuck are you doing here?

Larry, is this who you're marrying?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm just dealing with all his hostility and all his

I'm going to marry Larry Miller.

Okay, my kids play Little League with his kids.

Oh! And he's a fucking rageaholic.

You should see.

I'm just a guy. This guy's a douche. You know what? I'm not saying.

No, no, no.

I've been trying to get in touch with you for weeks. Larry, do you mind?

Come here. Come here. Sit down.

What are you going to swing a fucking bat at me? Oh, McCormick, please sit

I'll sit down, Larry. Don't worry about it.

Ask him what he does to my kid on the Little League field. Ask him what he

What do you do on the field to our kids?

Hunter cheat. You know what? He's a cheater. You son of a bitch.

I will tell you what. I will tell you what.

You know what? You've got

to ask

yourself though, Boney. Do I want to be the spokesperson for an antacid company?

Yeah, I can't answer that for you. All right, ask Jenna. Call me back. All

right, bye.

Want me to help you?

Oh, Doc.

I know where everything is here. You want me to help you? Yeah, no, no, no. I

was looking for some mints.

Oh. The halitosis bath.

Stop by to see my lady.

You can still get out of it.

What? No, I don't want to. Doc, I'd love to.

I've got to take it. You'd love to get out of it, would you? No, no, Doc. You

know, I'm going to take this phone call. It was on silent, so we didn't hear it

ring, but it did.

Okay, then. Good to see you.

Yeah.

Hi, Sammy.

Hi.

Oh, yes. Hi.

What about your thing?

Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, I love that he's involved.

Yeah, he's hands -on. Oh, we were going through all the gifts, you know, that we

give to people when they leave, and I have a whole catalog, so you want to sit

down and go through all the things?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, that's the list.

This is the guest list. The master list. I would love to see that.

Oh. I feel like that's an area where I could really, and I've been looking all

over for it. Okay, all right, all right. You know, let me in.

Can I take this and just take it like my... You know, my irritable bowels

So if I could just... Yeah, but honey, try to come back. Because we're going

through hors d 'oeuvres.

And we're going through the whole walk, you know?

Yes, and I've got CDs of music.

A little flight, huh?

So this is what I'm thinking.

Midsummer night dreams.

As soon as they start the reception...

Trees grow from out of the ground, and it becomes a forest.

To Tanya and Oberon. Yes!

And I want little woodland creatures, but all albinos, flurring through, you

know, like the white peacocks and the white squirrels. I mean, it might scare

some people, but I'm thinking about like an albino bow constrictor that just

kind of lies herself on the vine.

Holy shit.

Oh, dear Lord.

The Beckhams.

How do you do? Welcome to our fair land.

Here, Beckhams.

What if I boink your wife? Kidding.

She's fucking hot.

I thought after maybe, after Jewel does a solo and she exits, then we can bring

Mick Jagger on, you know, for something a little more upbeat.

Mick Jagger?

You want the real Mick Jagger? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. What the fuck?

Oh, God.

Nana DeLewis.

Dee Dee.

Hell, you're coming to my wedding.

I think when people really want a disco, why not Beyonce?

Why not? Yeah, but just not wearing white and not too, you know, booty

You're not allowed to compete. Yeah, so then she would come in at the end and do

a little R &B, do a little slow dance, you know.

That's when I want all the trees to open up so you see the real sky.

I need to work out a flyby.

I'm going to have everybody you've ever dreamed of in one gathering.

Where? My wedding ass face.

Call you later.

My wedding ass face.

Curtain bolt.

Gwyneth. Hey.

Occupied. Who are you talking to?

I was just... Are you alone?

No, I was on the telephone.

Oh, yeah? Oh, okay. All right.

When did you say the wedding was?

It's coming up really soon. Really soon. You know what?

I think you're in serious... Have you ever been married before?

No, sir.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Look, for half a million bucks, I'll do it. It's only two

days' work.

Yeah.

You know what I think you should do?

What's that?

Why don't you get a phone call that propels you far away, even out of the

country? It's an emergency call. It's a relative in Belgium or something.

Okay, thank you. And then don't come back for a while.

You're welcome. Will do, Doc.

No flowers, though, okay?

I gotta go. I'm getting recognized.

How you doing?

I'm good. How are you? I'm in Finkelstein. How are you? Yeah, thanks

watching.

What do you do?

Uh, I'm an actor. Hey, Berger.

Grumberg.

What's going on there?

Funny. Funny. You're always pretty funny. How you doing, man?

I'm great. I'm really good. I saw you on that show that you do, the superhero

thing. Heroes.

Yeah. It's good stuff. You play the ambulance driver or something.

I love it. Cop.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's right.

I've always loved Willie Nelson, so I thought maybe he would come in at the

And then we could have the fireworks and the American flag go up, you know, and

just make everybody kind of come together, you know? I think just the age

live in now, I want our marriage to represent, you know, like a new America.

Of course.

It's funny that I ran into you, because I'm actually, I'm looking for new

representation.

You are? You're looking... Yeah, I mean, no, I want to stay small.

I don't want to... You're small. I'm very small. I'm really looking... I

love it, man. I would love to... I could get you on things that J .J. Abrams

doesn't produce.

You know, I could get you on just things that... I'm the man. I could be the man

for you. Okay. I'd work hard. All right. Great, great.

I'm just fucking with you.

I would... Come on, seriously. Think about it. Yeah, no, you're loyal. You're

loyal to your...

I'm loyal to, you know, working.

That's funny.

And that's when you cue the white fireworks.

You know, I want to fly that.

Hi! Hi.

I'm dreaming, right? This list is crafted by the gods.

I'm blown away.

I made a few notes. Just a few, you know. Good, good, good, good.

Congratulations to us. This is fun.

This is really exciting.

Thank you.

I'm going to get back to the office. My thing came back. See you tonight?

Yeah, absolutely.

And here's the thing. I love you.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Good to see you, Berger.

Yeah, you too, man.

Good luck with everything.

Yep, you too, man. You too.

We gotta get down to business here, okay?

I don't see how you're gonna do, uh...

you know, on this budget.

Silk dresses?

No. You can't, I know what you, I got your list, you know, I got your list,

you really need to talk to your dad because you can't have all that stuff,

So now, what are you taking the pictures or?

No, no, no, Patrick Demolchier. Let me get his portfolio.

Oh, sure, why not?

Right.

Hey, buddy, I gotta go.

Hi. Hey. Great.

Hi, what are you doing here? How are you doing?

I'm good. You look good.

Thanks. You don't have an appointment?

I know.

Oh, okay.

Listen, um... Oh, my God. Is there... I need, like, ten minutes. No, no, no. I

need it now.

I got people in there. I got patients in a good place. I can't have you come in.

Where else can we go? Maybe the bathroom or something? No, Greg, you're not

hearing me. Please. You're not hearing me.

What the fuck is this place?

We're a celebrity therapy office.

What are you, a nurse?

No, I'm the receptionist.

Celebrity ambassador, if you like.

I like your tits.

Hmm?

What?

Listen to me, Greg. Everything can be dealt with. Okay. No, no, no, no, no.

I can't. I can't do that. No, it's you. It's you that I really want to talk to.

And I think that's great. Just talk to me. Go home. Go home. Go. Talk to other

people. Have a good night. I'm getting married. I'm getting married.

Dr. Good's office.

It's me.

Oh my God, I've got so much to tell you about the wedding. Just hold on one

second. I'll get rid of this call. Hold on.

Farrah? Farrah?

Farrah?

Farrah?

Farrah? Oh, Farrah. Hi.

Yes, she did get the wedding gift. Thank you so much. She's going to be starting

to write her thank you notes, but after she comes back from honeymoon.

Hold on, hold on.

Dr. Good's office.

Hi, it's me.

Oh, Dr. Good. Good morning. I'm at, uh, I'm at Mark Cherry's. Did you clear my

schedule this morning? Yes, I did. It's completely clear. Okay, thanks.

I'm getting married!

What?

What? I hope you don't think... Hello?

Bethany. I forgot to fuck it with my boss.

and I've been here before.

And, you know, it was obviously time for us to come back, but I was kind of

curious why you're here. Jamie, Kevin's here because we're doing what I call my

profession, a intervention.

We want you to be able to be comfortable and open to having a gay storyline with

Kevin. The problem with being leading man neutral is the audience starts to

it out. And I think what everyone's been feeling, certainly the people at ABC

and research and all the fan clubs have been writing is that The way you play

the character, you know, kind of the... They hate it. Yeah. They hate it. So

Mike Delfino is suddenly gay.

Not suddenly. No, not suddenly at all. No, it's been a subject for a long time.

Yeah.

You will never believe how big this guest is getting.

You know what we're doing? We're not telling anyone. We're not even telling

clients. Why are you telling the clients where it is?

No, because it's scared of the past.

We don't want to hurt what it is ruined because of those people.

It's going to be at the beach.

Here's the thing, Jamie.

There's nothing wrong with a gay storyline.

It doesn't work maybe in Grey's Anatomy, but it has worked in some of the great

films like Spartacus. Maybe I'm protecting the character.

Maybe I've been playing this character for four seasons and I feel like I know

who Mike Delfino is.

Wow.

I can't treat characters because they're fantasy. I didn't sit down with Barbara

Eden and talk about what it's like living in a bottle.

I've seen the way you look at Kevin.

I just, I thought, why not write to the chemistry that is obviously there, you

know?

Hey, what's happening? What are you doing?

I'm cleaning this fucking little stink. I can smell it in my office.

No kidding. I don't smell anything.

But you fixed it, huh?

No, I'm just cleaning it. I'm not going to fix it, okay? It just smells from my

office. I'm sorry. I appreciate what you've done, man. You're a good worker.

Are you almost done?

Want me to give you a hand now?

No. It's not a personal thing with me as much as it's a career thing.

Okay, suddenly Mike Delfino is gay. I go in that direction.

I have nothing.

You're worried about your career?

Nobody thinks James Gandolfini was the mob. Nobody thinks Martin Sheen is the

president. People confuse.

They blur the lines.

I'm so angry.

Jamie, I want to point out at this point, you hosted the Miss America

think any kind of hope for a glorious after Desperate Housewives life is over.

You think you can give me a hand with the wood?

Oh, you want me to give you a hand with the wood?

Yeah. I can't do that.

Oh, you mean it's too hard for you?

Look, I'm not going to do that until you pay me back my money. Oh, you know I'm

good for that.

What about that card game you got? Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's high stakes.

You need a lot of money. Well, I can get money to get into the game.

Oh, you can get money to get into the game, but you can't get money to pay me

back. I'll pay you back when I get into the game.

No, why don't you pay me back first?

Because I don't have the money.

I got to get the money. The guy I'm going to get the money for will back me

get into the game.

Let's get outside of our bodies for a second. Mark, why don't you show us a

scene, something that you're thinking about for the two of us. All right. What

does this look like?

Well, first of all, I wish your face was this mobile.

Let's say Kevin comes up and says, hey, Jamie, how you doing?

You know, and he can be just rubbing on the shoulder.

You know, doing some light touching.

Here, Kevin, you show him some of the things he wasn't. What are you thinking?

Yeah, let me know what you have in mind, Kevin.

You know, okay,

let's see what happens, you know.

Hey, Mike, Bob's gone for the day. Why don't we be guys and hang out? He's

yeah, man, let's watch the game.

You know what?

Relax. It's hot out. It's warm.

It's warm outside.

And, hey, you look comfortable like that. That looks really comfortable.

Whoa. And not all the way off. No. So it's not so sweaty. Right. And then, you

know, oh, you've been working out, haven't you? And, oh, I'm going to go on

And then, oh, what's that? What's happening there?

I don't know.

That's weird. But it feels right.

That's nice. And now let's just hug.

And get a beer. And let's drink a beer and have a cigarette. Yeah. Just with

pants off.

You think.

Look, if you saw that scene and then you rolled right to commercial, I mean, I

think it's a ratings hit.

So you can't do it? No. You won't do it? No.

I would do it for you. If you needed a hand, I'd help you.

There you go again.

What? There you go. You know what?

I said if you needed something.

Give me a hand. You think I'm talking about that?

There's no way for me to not seem like Jamie's anti -gay.

It's the thing where, A, I'm not crazy about Kevin coming on the show and after

two weeks telling me what my character should be doing and critiquing my

First of all, I'm trying as hard as I can, and you're the boss,

and I'll do what you need me to do.

But to expect me to jump into this after playing a character for four years a

particular way... Here's the thing. It's not as easy as you make it sound.

I'm out of ideas for you.

So it's either learn to accept a friendly blowjob or move on. Bye -bye.

Let me, let me, look, look at this. Be careful.

But do you swim in the pool during the winter?

I try to do it all year round. It helps creatively, you know.