Original subtitles

Previously on Headcase. Ever done the Trojan helmet? I don't know what that

This is totally inappropriate for an office.

What? What if somebody's parents came into the office and saw you and looked?

I'm laying it right there on your forehead. Uh -huh. You got a helmet

My parents are in town. You want me to meet your parents today?

Are you on medication?

I'll take your medication, bitch.

Our daughter is back in town, and she wants to see her father.

You're so fucking good, Liza.

Scale from one to ten. Ten. Ten? Ten is bad.

Oh, one. One.

Hi, I'm Goldie. I'm here to see my dad.

We should go out sometime.

You're very pretty.

I've had three abortions. I beg your pardon? This is a real relationship,

We're going to go the distance.

Oh, my God, he died.

What?

Oh, no, your parents are coming in. Oh.

Oh, and another thing. This place needs to be really clean. I mean, like,

surgery room clean. Like when Arnold and Maria came in. Okay? Okay.

Because, uh... Oh, God, who's my 10 o 'clock?

Uh, Monica Potter.

Oh.

Monica Potter.

Monica Potter. Monica Potter.

Monica Potter.

Monica Potter.

Oh, no, Lola, don't do this to me today!

I was so excited when Susan Sarandon sent me your file. I'm a huge fan.

Loved Pretty Woman.

That's great.

Can I just ask you a personal question? Yeah. Did you sleep with Richard Gere

when you were making the movie?

Oh, yeah. No, that's not me.

I'm not her.

I'm sorry, you're not Julia Roberts? No, I'm Monica Potter.

Oh, I thought that was an alias. I'm sorry, no.

All right, so you... I'm me.

What's your last name, Monica?

Potter. Monica Potter.

No, no.

Really? All right, well, let's, uh... Sorry, that just gets me a little...

have you been in movies? Um, yeah, I have. I've done, like, um... Okay, gosh.

Patch Adams.

Mm -mm. Along Came a Spider.

Mm -mm. Head Over Heels.

Mm -mm.

I'm With Lucy.

The Very Thought of You.

Mm -mm.

Um...

Good morning.

Sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

All right, so, okay, good. Monica Potter, who are you?

Well, that's why I'm here.

Oh. You know, I'm not sure. And if people keep calling me Julia Roberts,

how am I going to figure that out?

She's so pretty.

When she does that walk when going up to Richard Gere's. Good stuff.

Stepmom. Oh, my God.

Ah!

It killed me.

Absolutely killed me. And I don't care what people said about Mary Riley. I

thought it was spot on. I'm here to pick up Dr. Good for lunch.

I'm her dad.

Oh, hello.

How do you do? I'm Lola Buckingham. All right. Which office is she in?

Um, she's in that one, but she's in setting at the moment. She'll be about

another 30 minutes. 30 minutes, huh?

Um, you know what? Don't bother.

No, no, wait a minute!

Hey.

Hey, Maggie. Oh, this is great.

Sorry, I had a little communication problem with your man Friday here. Oh,

sorry. It's some sort of... I'm sorry.

I'm actually in session, Daddy. Oh, I beg your pardon. Can you just give me

minutes? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, you're almost done? Yeah, this is what I do.

my work.

Monica Potter.

Yeah. I'm a big fan.

Hi. I think you're wonderful. I know her. I know her very well. Without

Yeah, Patch Adams.

Saw. Oh, terrific.

Where's Mom and Viola? No, they went shopping. They'll be forever. All right,

well, let me just finish up with Monica. Okay. And then maybe you and I can just

have a special time. Oh, sounds great. Nice to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you.

All the best, huh? Okay, thanks. All right, now.

Take it easy.

He's so adorable.

I know, he's really sweet. He's so sweet.

I mean, tell me about you and your dad.

He's dead.

Oh, yeah.

You're just a great tragedy.

I was about 40 years younger.

Have a seat here.

All right. My feeling is, if you really want to work in this industry, you ought

to be a character actress.

I mean, everyone thinks you're Julia Roberts, right? It's like, who wants

seconds?

And, Mr. Carabino, is there anything that Ms. Zellweger prefers, snack -wise,

treat -wise?

No?

Oh, low -carb. Okay.

I'll bear that in mind.

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

Because of the bulbous nose and the cross -eyed, there's so many other

you can do. I mean, look at your ears. You could be an elf.

Every Christmas movie, you'd have a job. Really? Yes.

Are you related to the good doctor?

That's my daughter. Oh, yeah.

You waiting long?

I think I got half an hour to go.

No kidding.

Well, you want to come inside?

It's my office. Come on in.

Let yourself be your own person. I think the problem with this industry is

that... The same homogenized ingredients go into the bowl. I think you're right.

And there's only so many cookies we can make. Yeah, I think you're right. You

know, why don't you be a scone? I like scones better than cookies. And you know

what else? If I can just leave you with one thing before our next session. Okay.

Okay.

Well,

that worked.

If you can just get your eyes down here and bring the nose up.

And then, you know what?

Let's get some more stuff in there and maybe cut that off. Maybe a big chin.

Just to put things on my face, like a chin? No, I think that you should

go to a doctor and tell him to re -sculpt it. I'm telling you, your life

going to take off. Really? You are going to work all the time. Thank you so

much. Of course.

Listen, it works for Kathy Griffin and Janine Garofalo. It can work for you.

So you're in town for how long? A week or two.

Yeah, you're going to spend much time with her?

I hope not.

But we can be pretty.

Okay. And now, you know what? We're going to need to stop.

Already? Yeah. But it's not even like a whole session. I know. We're going to

start with 15 minutes. Okay. And then we'll work ourselves to 30 and then an

hour. Okay. But do I pay full price for the whole wait? You do. Thanks, Monica.

Okay. Thanks. Thank you.

Here, look.

Beautiful. Where's my dad?

Wife's with you? Yeah, she's out shopping with our middle daughter right

Who is that? Oh, excuse me.

Yeah, coming. Yes.

What is it? Hi.

Daddy? Not now, maggot. Don't you want to see my office? We're talking. What

you guys talking about? Everything. I saw you had a patient. We'll finish and

then we'll come. And now I'm having a session.

Jesus.

So needy.

My two little ones, I just eat them with a spoon.

But this one, I mean, she's just got a stick -up arrest. She always has, you

know.

Here's the thing, okay?

Georgie is the whore of Babylon, and Viola is a village idiot.

I mean, why should I be punished because I'm the only one that's never been

arrested or had an abortion?

I have an idea.

What?

What are you going to do? Be careful.

Oh, she was always into performing.

I remember once they did this thing in school when she played, I think it was

Summer Squash. You know, one of those autumnal dealies where they all sing

that they've written themselves.

And she was, Jesus, you know what? It's not her.

It's my other daughter.

How many you got?

I got three.

So you've been married a while. 30 some years, something like that. And you know

what?

Okay. And I'm not using any dick stiffeners or anything. This is all, you

100 proof.

Do this.

I don't think maggots ever gotten laid.

How are you doing? I mean, you doing all right? It's slow.

Is it? It's slow.

It's not picking up. She's very busy.

Yeah? I mean, I think she might be too busy.

Really? I think that's why she's wound, you know. She's kind of high strung.

Yeah, she's wound up.

You don't get any of that overflow?

No. We share the space. That's about it.

That doesn't seem right. No.

It's not right.

All right, Pat.

Love you like a dog. All right. Talk to you soon. Hi, Papa.

Hi, honey. Listen, I was just talking to Myron. I was, you know, hanging out

with him a bit. Sorry. No, he's a great guy.

Now, the thing is, I've noticed that you guys...

There's an imbalance in terms of money in this business. I was just talking to

Pat Jennings. You remember Pat? No. He's a great guy. He's a two.

He's tremendous.

Anyway, he is an expert at corporate team building.

So what I've asked him to do, and I've paid for it, so don't you worry about a

thing, is you're going to take a long weekend and store me whatever.

You can come, too, and also the kid with the bad wing. The four of you are all

going to get together, and you're going to figure out a way to get the energy

flowing, sort of a corporate Feng Shui. All right? I got to go.

Love you, Mina. Oh, you ready to go?

Oh, Maggie, I'd like to, but I've got to meet Mommy for lunch.

Oh, can I go?

You're watching more cholesterol anyway, aren't you?

Should be about five minutes if you want to wait.

Take a seat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh -huh.

So, are you all right? Last time we talked, you were having those dreams

being beaten by a plantation owner.

What's going on?

I'm just desanitizing. Why?

What? What did you touch? Because we shook hands.

Go ahead. You are...

In rags, being whipped by a plantation owner. I wasn't in rags. I was in slave

clothes, but they were really nice. They were like... Like Armani slave clothes?

No, no, no, no.

They weren't like tailored, but they were new.

So you were a... A new slave?

I don't know. I don't know. I didn't, you know, and the thing was, like, I was

being beaten, but I didn't feel the pain.

Because you know what I always think, like, when I have these dreams, you're

supposed to not focus on the action. You're supposed to focus on your

I don't know who told you that.

That's not true? No, no.

That's, God.

That's not true. A lot of people have been to some bad therapy.

Hi, how you doing?

Is Myron here?

Dr. Finkelstein, Myron Finkelstein. Is he here?

May I tell him who's... Yes, you may, girl. You may tell him that his ex -wife

Twinkle is here.

Twinkle is here, baby. Twinkle Finkelstein.

Myron!

Myron! I know he is. I can feel him, girl.

What's going on?

Okay, here's what happened.

I have this pomegranate tree.

So, at first, it would not bloom. It has not ever bloomed.

I mean, it's bloomed, but it's never given fruit.

Finally, there's this one big, huge, what I call the mama pomegranate. It's

hanging right there. That one and there were two other ones that were primo.

So my wife is there. We're looking at it three days ago. And I'm like, honey,

should I pick it? She's like, no, no, not yet. You have to wait till the stem

dried out.

So I go, OK, great. But I really wanted to pick it. I really wanted to pick it.

Girl, I just got out of jail.

And I have an itch that needs scratching, and can't nobody scratch it

Myron. Let me tell you something, girl. He's got a cock on him, girl, that is

like, it's like the gospel. Do you feel what I'm saying? The next day, my

gardener comes.

Everything was cool.

He does his thing. So I come back after my gardener left.

The fruit is gone.

How often do you check the farm? It is fucking gone.

So my original reaction, I'm going, maybe it failed. So I'm looking on the

ground. Then I go, no, no.

I look, and it is a clean, surgical cut.

So I got in my car. I drove all around the neighborhood looking for this

motherfucker. You're looking for the pomelo? No, I'm looking for my gardener

because he took my fruit, and that is fucked up.

So then I called my brother, and I said, look, dude, you got to talk to me now.

I think the gardener took some fruit. And he's like, well, what kind of fruit

was it?

I said, it's pomegranate. He said, okay. What is your gardener? Is he Mexican? I

said, no, he's not Mexican. I believe he's Japanese.

My brother goes, the motherfucker took the pomegranates.

Because they don't even want to know what to do with a pomegranate.

It's very highly prized.

Girl, one time this motherfucker had me bent over. I was holding my ankle. He

was just banging, banging, banging, banging.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. It was going down. I was tired, girl. Not Myron. He

wasn't tired. He was just bang, bang. You feel me?

Oh, Myron.

Myron, baby.

Myron.

Myron, baby.

I forgot.

He's not here today.

I'm your gardener. What would you say to your gardener?

All right, I'm trying to be cool and calm. I'm going to say, listen, did you

take the pomegranate fruit off of my tree?

Why you crazy motherfucker?

I don't take no fruit off no tree.

It's mine.

I tend to it. I make it. What's wrong?

It's my property. You took the fruit off of my tree. You took the fruit off of

my tree.

What the hell? What am I going to do now? Shit, I need a good banging. I just

got out of a place where they ain't had nothing but bitching.

And, you know, it's all good and everything. You know, I kind of adapted

the situation, but I need to see it.

Uh -uh. Hot damn.

Bingo.

I'll holler, bitch.

Hey, what's up, baby? You, you with the wood.

What's up?

This has really gotten you, huh? Yeah, I don't know what to do. All right, let's

deal with it. All right. Let's deal with it. All right.

What? Can you give me a minute?

All right.

David, one for you, and Mr.

Gardner, one for you.

Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no,

no. No, not one for him.

This is my fruit.

You stole my motherfucking fruit, and he gets half of it?

No, this is some motherfucking bullshit.

He is a thief. You stole my fruit. I know what's going on here. I know what's

going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. I heard something. I heard

something.

I like pomegranate, man. I like pomegranate, okay?

No, well, back at you twice.

Because you took my fruit, and you got cold busted, and now you're going to

reward him for thief. You a thief, man.

What?

See? Oh, this is bullshit.

This is bullshit.

Yeah, I know you see him. Black people don't like... Let's move on.

Thank you for, you know, I appreciate that. That was... She was, uh...

You're probably wondering... Let's see, look. Did she lose any weight?

Oh, you didn't know what she weighed. She was round.

As a matter of interest, what number wife is Twinkle?

Six.

She was interesting.

She had a quality about her. Any children with Twinkle? No, no.

Not for lack of trying, but she was nonstop.

She was a tremendous amount of... She was very creative.

I met her in Vegas, I think.

It was a... One of those houses of... It's legal in Vegas.

Well, that concludes the Finkelstein -Buckingham marriage meeting.

You taught a course, I think, in sexual positions.

Can't be married anymore.

Yes. Hello, you beautiful, beautiful people. I am Pat Jennings. I'm a two.

We're having a little dysfunction, aren't we?

Just a little dysfunction. We're not feeling together. We're not

We're not having teamwork.

Who's here to help you? Say it, Pat Jennings.

Say it, Pat Jennings. Pat Jennings. Thank you. Pat Jennings is here to help.

I have one question I want to ask. Who is Maggot? I'm going to look now.

Where's Maggot? There she is.

You're not that bad.

Anyway, I wanted to hand out a couple of things.

This is a little waiver.

Everybody's going to enjoy signing.

You don't know what's out here sometimes.

I want to be liable for that. Aren't you sweet? Aren't you cute?

Can I take a look? Can I see a little bit? Back off.

Thank you so much.

Oh, you can take it with this hand then. Go ahead.

Somebody's going to help you with the signing. Go ahead and sign that. We're

going to play a few games. We're going to be together.

Yes. Does everybody get a rape whistle?

So, I'm going to go ahead and change. We're going to do our first group

activity. Who's excited?

Everybody's excited. I know I am. All right, let's get to it. All

right.

Say your name.

Very good. Keep going.

I didn't pay anything to hear you.

Shut up.

Here we go. We're set.

I suggest we're doing what? We are pulling together. That's right.

Pulling together.

Myron. Myron. What a nice name. Elizabeth and Myron. Myron. I know two

There's the everybody.

There's a racehorse. Go.

Go, go, go like the wind. Go like the wind.

Goldie. Goldie. What a beautiful night. I'd love to see your face.

What would feel good?

Fucking affection would be nice. Some fucking affection.

Anybody want a little something,

something? I want to come hug you.

Can Jennings have a little hug?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Can you feel it, people?

Can you feel the soft coolness? Can you feel like we've all come together?

Oh, I'm so happy we're all together.

Now, everybody take off your blindfolds.

That's nice.

Does everybody feel good?

Yeah. Does everybody feel good? Yes. Good.

All right.

Go out into the woods and bring back a piece of your soul. Go out there,

All right. You want to go out there and get something good? Let's go.

Yeah, you don't have to go yet. All right. Hey, Ron, wait up.

Okay, let's go.

Be careful. Watch it, amigo.

I've done this game before.

Oh,

no, I'm good.

I'm sorry.

Are you certified?

Oh, that's a beautiful soul.

What the fuck?

My fucking soul.

That's nice.

This is what I'm talking about.

Berries and nuts. It's the food of the land.

This is the good stuff.

Hey, look. I'm a vegetarian. Here, honey. Pass them on. Pass them on.

I'm a vegetarian.

I do not eat meat. There's no point in it.

No, no, no. Hey.

Wait a minute, buddy. I know you. Pat?

Jeremy Berger, United States of Talent. You did my fucking retreat in Vegas.

Oh, shit!

You made so many kids on that retreat.

How's it going? It's going great.

Thank you so much for coming.

Well, nothing.

A couple hours drive. I like it. I love to drive. All this way.

Here's what I got for you.

Oh, thank you. I'm starving.

Oh, thank you. Enjoy that. Yeah, I just made it.

Really hot. If the truck wasn't between us, I'd come right up there and give you

a... Okay, bye.

I have not eaten meat in 15 years.

This is fucking amazing.

This is amazing.

We're a little ditty.

I think now's the time.

Lady, you know you are my girl.

Oh, lady, you know you got the sweetest little curls.

Oh, lady, I want to take you down.

to the stream and have my way with you.

I want to get right up in there, do my thing.

And

then

the crowd all,

that's when the crowd all joins in, the crowd goes.

I can't do this without a vibrator. Why do we need your vibrator every time?

Let me improvise.

Come on, let me do my thing. Okay, okay.

Oh,

okay, okay.

Oh, good.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Yeah, but...

I think I'm going to the bed.

I'm going to sit.