Original subtitles

Elizabeth.

You're late.

I'm trying to understand this. An old man hit you?

Yes, he hit me. He rear -ended me. And Alfred Molina always meant flying out

window. I don't care about the dog.

What? Did you tell him that you worked for me? I thought you were her

Were there cops there? Did you say that you worked for Dr. Elizabeth Good? I'll

tell you one thing. I'm not going to have some little British teacup come

and destroy everything I've worked for.

I'm in the room, right?

So, Richard, did you do your homework?

Yeah, I did.

I did. I like it. And I'm not a very good artist, and this one came out

It was great.

It was actually going to be a unicorn.

I don't even know why I made it. I just made it a horse. I didn't know whether,

you know, my favorite animal is a bear, but this just seemed... And this is me

on the horse's ass? Is this me?

In the horse's, yeah.

I'm going to need... Well, because I wouldn't, you know, you're a pretty

I don't want to make you a horse face.

Yeah.

Out of paper in here. Ah!

The lock was broken.

Thank you.

You know, we talked last time about trying to wear colors and not always

black. You know, I'm not a fashion person. I'm the clothes part. I get very

claustrophobic picking colors and picking clothes.

I get antsy. I get antsy. You know, you've got this rack and this rack and

lady trying to sell you and you don't know what to... And then, oh, my God,

it's just a little too tight and stuff that.

Well, see, now you're getting...

Extremely angry, even at the mere mention of shopping. Just bringing it up

you. Okay, so why bring it up to me then? Because I want to know what makes

angry.

You bringing up my clothes. I think that I look thin. Tell me that I look good

in this. That's what I want to hear. You look very good in it. Thank you. Do I?

You look fabulous.

Really? Do I look thinner than when I look thinner? You do look thinner.

Have you been eating?

Yeah, you know, I mean, I'm over the bulimia thing. My throat began to hurt

the acid things and stuff that I didn't know. I can see your teeth are rotting a

little bit, too. I think it's just coffee. I don't think it's rotting.

What makes you happy?

A good throw -up.

A good throw -up. What happened? I got rear -ended by a 90 -year -old man.

He's 90 years old and he's driving a car? Yeah. Well, then you shouldn't have

to... He rear -ended you? Strictly speaking, I backed into him.

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, my God. I'm trying to make a connection between your

personal life and your relationship with food. Do you ever integrate food and

sex together?

Yeah.

Do you throw up on women? Is that something that... I do.

Myron, do we want the INS looking into our marriage? No, I don't. We can't

invite any kind of official authority looking into us. I don't. We need $1

to make this go away. Well, how are we going to get $1 ,500?

Well, we'll have to come up with something.

I know that you haven't eaten sugar in a long time. It's been a long time. In

fact, you know, that stuff.

I want you to tell me if at any point you have an erection, okay?

This is a Twinkie full of creamy sugar.

Anything?

No. I happen to like food. I mean, I love a good salad bar. I love a

nice steak.

I'm not so much for dessert. They don't do it for me, but a good fuck is a whole

different category. Okay, I want to do something with you. How's your

relationship with Dr. Good?

I can't. What about some of her patients?

There's a lot of money in there.

Show me. Show me. Give me an example of some of the sexual play, if you will,

that you indulge in. Show me on this doll. What kind of thing?

Oh, God.

It's all right. Let it go. Go. Go. All right.

All right.

You do it. Do it. Fuck her up. You want the 1500 tomorrow?

No, no, no. I don't want to go through the insurance. Hold on one second, will

you?

Fuck.

Yeah.

There's a lot of very deep, deep -seated anger that comes out when we discuss

some of these things. And I just don't want to find you in a situation where...

I'm a nice guy. It's my whole persona. This is what I sell. It's what gets me

TV. I'm a nice guy. I know. It's your mask.

But behind the mask, I see a very, very angry and troubled man who I don't want

to end up...

seeing on the news because he's decapitated a prostitute and he's being

away in handcuffs. A lot of times if I feel that somebody's in danger to

themselves or other people, I have the authority to... But if it doesn't work

and it becomes a self -fulfilling prophecy and you send me out to go

a hooker?

I'd like to start seeing you every day if that's possible.

You really think I'd need it?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Good morning.

Morning. This is for you.

FredExp. Express.

We've been thinking of trying you guys.

Frederick, right here. I'm Frederick. It's my company. It's your company?

Yes. Oh, my goodness.

I'm not like the, you know, the competitors.

You know, it's just a business for them.

I got heart and soul into this. You don't see me throwing stuff. There's no

damages here. Early morning, 9 .30.

9 .30? Yes. Very competitive.

See this? See the color?

Might say it's a little femme.

I feel confident.

Calming. See, that's a calming... Your eyes are very calming, aren't they,

Just like your logo.

You think?

What

are

you doing?

I really consider myself, it's a term I've coined, a celebrity ambassadress.

where I feel that I'm sort of representing them. Oh, Leah, I've made

Alaskan top necklace that I'm thinking you could... Don't you like strawberry

-flavored cupcakes?

Because I also bake.

I just got a call from my agent, and that part, you know, that you told me

to do... She's up for an Oscar. Who is?

Jennifer Jason Leigh. She got the part just because you told me not to do it.

turn it down. Now, why do you think that you can give career advice? And why did

I listen to you? Why don't you tell me... Not to listen to you. I don't

you should do any of those thankless girlfriend roles anymore.

It wasn't a thankless girlfriend. She got raped and murdered.

Who got the part? Jennifer Jason Leigh. You don't remember that?

We try to preserve a very calm atmosphere here.

The doctor and I.

What kind of doctor?

Well, I shouldn't strictly tell him.

Therapy sort of doctor.

So a shrink?

Well, not technically a shrink. I mean, we do have one shrink, but he doesn't

have that many clients.

The point is...

I shouldn't listen to you. You should be the one to tell me that I shouldn't

accept advice about my career from my therapist. What are you so angry about?

Are you angry that you lost the part?

There are other parts, Leah.

In fact, you're a character actress, and I tell you this over and over again.

There's the Harriet Tubman story, the Grandma Moses story. There's a million

other people you can play. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I don't think I'm going to play black right now. We have another

client. You do? Yeah, we do.

Name one.

Well, I really... Jeff Goldblum started with us last week. Yeah, he did.

How is he? Told.

Well, obviously, your agent told you not to take the part. No, no, no. You told

me not to take the part. You told me to turn it down.

What? I'm trying to understand what you're so upset about. Are you upset

you lost the part, that I told you not to take the part? Yes, I'm upset that

told me... Or that maybe you're not right for the part?

Bruce Willis.

It's another regular who comes in quite...

When

you look in the mirror, what do you see?

I see... Do you see a girl? Do you see a woman? Do you see a mother? Do you see

an actress?

I see these red marks on my cheeks.

So you see the flaws.

Can I ask you something, Leah? Why don't you have any wrinkles on your face?

I have rosacea.

What's rosacea?

Rosacea is like when you have red and then you have those sun things. You have

sun damage right here. I? Me?

Yeah, on your nose and those.

You know, these little brown things.

I'm going to get some water, Leah.

So just do some of those.

I'm going to need a cure for rosacea, find out what rosacea means. They need a

talc or a therm or something. And can you find me some Botox on the Internet?

Yes, of course.

I can deliver that.

Could you? Yes.

You find it, I'll have it here the next day.

How old do you think I am?

I am in my baby -making years.

Baby -making?

You're older than me. I wouldn't go to you if you weren't older than me. How

are you?

I'm 46.

You think I'm older than you? I wouldn't go to someone younger than me.

I mean, what do you know if you're younger than me?

All right, I got to head out of here, man. I'm sorry to keep you. Okay, no, it

was lovely talking to you. You too. Thanks very much for this. Yeah, I'll

you soon.

My how -to -speak Spanish type from Berlin.

I want to be able to speak to Mark Anthony in his native tongue. No

Did you know that the Latin community makes up over 14 % of the U .S.

population?

I knew it was in that area. Those people are rolling in the money.

Rolling.

Really?

I've got to go.

It was nice meeting you. Okay, bye.

Mr. Fang.

I'm just

curious. If I were going up for a

role in a movie against you and Jennifer Jason Leigh and Virginia Madsen, would

I have a shot?

Would I be in the running?

No.

The reason you didn't get that part is because of your agent, not me.

I build you up. All I see is your agent bringing you down and suffocating you.

So if you have some anger, I think you need to direct it at CAA and not me.

I don't think... You know what? It's... That's our time. I just... Okay, but...

Fire your agent.

I... That's good, thank you. Fire your agent.

Good night, Lola.

Good night.

Listen, I'm really sorry about this morning, okay? It's just that I hate

tardiness as much as bad hygiene.

So... Good talk.

Good night.

Yes, Lola? I have a very, very apologetic Jeremy burger on one. Or Mark

assistant on two.

Give me Mark Cherry.

Really?

Oh, okay, okay.

Dr. Good? Hi, Mark.

Nebraska.

Okay.

Lola, do me a favor. Cancel all my appointments today.

I'm going to Wisteria Lane. Mark Cherry.

High alert.

I can help you out.

Oh, that's okay, Myron. I'm fine.

I'm here.

Oh, all right. Who do I have?

Ben Affleck.

No, cancel.

Will Ferrell.

Cancel. And Willie Garfin.

Take Willie Garfin.

I thank you.

I know Willie.

Can't have Willie Garfin.

Why can't I have Willie?

Because you owe him $1 ,600.

Cancel Willie.

Well, you know, I wanted to do this for all the obvious reasons that we talked

about, but I don't even, I mean, I don't do this with my wife. I know, but I'm

not sort of dealing with your wife. I'm dealing with your primary relationship

in your life, which is your executive producer.

So what's going on, James? You were crying. You're not getting a storyline?

You know, the guys in the show, we just feel like we're not very attractive.

We're not very likable. And there comes a point where even as an actor, you want

to play everything, but, you know.

Yeah, the other guys don't complain about it as much, though. I think that's

difference. Well, they do to me, but obviously, you know, it's only... I kind

got nominated to bring this to Mark's attention because, really, Doug just

didn't have the balls, and Ricardo's too busy. I'm sorry,

I'm looking at your body language, and you both seem very closed up. Can you

just sort of relax? Maybe, Mark, can you maybe put your hand on his shoulder

just to help?

No.

What are you doing?

I'm going out.

I've been working on our little problema.

What is that?

Just keep an eye on Alfred Molina for me, will you?

I deal with this all the time with couples, and usually it comes down to

appreciation. James, put yourself in Mark's position.

He has given you a life, something you should be proud of. Every week I write

stuff specifically designed for your small bag of tricks.

Is there a reason that you can't give James the kind of...

validation that he's obviously screaming for? For me, it's about the gratitude.

Where is the gratitude?

If just once he would say, thank you for taking me out of my B television rut

that I was in for all those years, the occasional, you know, God, I could have

just ended up doing some crappy cable show.

Hey, not now, honey. Wake up!

What?

We have business to attend to.

James, you can look at Mark. I know that you're... No, that's okay.

I know, I know that you're... We've been through this so often, and it's tough

because, you know, he is my boss.

Let's get rid of that language.

Nobody's a boss. No, we're all... You're equal. Easy for you to say. You're

equal. You're not the one that was in a coma for half a season. I needed a

break. Oh.

James, how did that make you feel?

A break from what?

The bland quality of someone who's not trying their best.

Nice sharing, Mark. Nice sharing. Thank you. Thank you. I think, James, what

Mark's trying to say is that he realizes it's his shortfalling, but he's trying

to give you a chance. Is that what you're getting? You're getting that's

he's trying to say? Yeah. I'm getting that he's a genius writer and I'm a

actor. That's what I'm getting. Oh, well, you're... You're not getting that?

you're very hostile about this. I feel like... I wouldn't call it angry. I just

don't understand how we're supposed to work out our problems when it's all my

fault. It's not all your fault. This is why we're in therapy, to communicate. I

demand too much. I demand too much. That's what he's saying. I keep thinking

that, you know, you can scale all those emotional heights, but the other actors

on the show do, and I know better.

Why don't I lower my expectations? It's my fault. I can take that. Very good. I

mean, last time we had a session, it was because you didn't feel pretty enough.

Let me go to this. Let's bring out the girls from the show.

This would be you, right?

A dinosaur.

I don't think he exhibits that much passion. I think of dinosaurs as

creatures. Oh, Mark, let's get rid of this. You say it's compassionate for

I think you want something flatter.

All right, all right, here we go.

All right, so here we have the group.

It's so clearly you.

Flat, just laying there.

In the lion's pit.

How would you feel if the person who is the other half of your primary

relationship said you were a coaster? How would you feel?

This is how it's not a completely bad thing. OK, OK. Yes, you support Terry.

support Terry.

You know, these are utilitarian things.

You know, things that are not exciting, not something you want to write home

about, but they have their place to support what is good and interesting and

wonderful. I don't consider it completely an insult.

You know, James, relationships are give and take.

whether it's a relationship with Mark, whether it's with Terry or Felicity. He

was walking on me.

But you're lifting her up. You're lifting her up. This is how you're

it, but you're lifting her up. Without her, she goes really quick. You give her

a place to stand.

What does James want?

I'd like to be more interesting.

He's hit desperate plumbers to ABC last week.

Uh -huh.

And? Did they go for it?

We don't know.

I deal with this all the time with couples, and there needs to be something

stake so that you appreciate each other more.

And this is just a suggestion, Mark, but at some point, James could get hit by

a bus.

You know, it's funny you say that because we actually had a storyline

turns into a rapist, you know, and he's taken out by a SWAT team. It was not my

idea. It came out of testing. Oh, so he gets killed right away. Oh, that's

perfect. It's something that people in America would want to see. That's

perfect. You know, we're supposed to have a relationship, and I'm on the end

it that can be killed off at any time whenever you have the whim. How is that

any way equitable? It's not what I want. It's what America wants.

And guess what, James?

That's called a relationship.

You always have the gun to your head.

Good. Perfect. All right. It makes sense to me. It does.

All right. Great.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Can I get you anything else, Dr. Finkelstein?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

I'm Dr. Myron Finkelstein.

Tell me about your problems. What are your problemo?

Ninguno. Una familia feliz, contenta, maravillosa.

Mi esposa, mis padres, mis dos hijos, buenos estudiantes.

So I did what you told me to do, and I fired my agent.

Whole new agency.

I didn't tell you to fire your agent.

Yeah, you did.

You told me to fire my agent because of the Academy Award thing.

But whatever. I fired my agent. I fired my publicist.

I'm cleaning house, and so I'm going to fire you, too.

You want to stop therapy?

Yeah, I do. I'm sorry.

Okay, well, before you do that, I think you're going to be very happy.

I'm going to get you raped.

Raped? Yes, I got you a recurring role in Desperate Housewives. You will be

repeatedly raped by James Denton.

He told me not to do TV.

No, I never told you not to do TV. He told me not to do TV. I never said that.