Original subtitles

Jeremy, I am not. No.

Come on, live a little, huh?

Come on, do it for me, baby. Okay, all right.

Okay, so I'm a stewardess. Yeah, you are, like the slutty kind. And I'm on a

plane. That's right, United. And you're a businessman.

Oh, God, wait. Stop it.

Wait for me. I can't, you're so hot. And I ask you if you want a drink. All

right. And you say, what about a Virgin Mary? That's right. And I say, well, my

name is Mary. Here I go. Oh, lift off. Are you kidding already?

Sorry, baby.

Let's keep going for you. Okay.

Lola, hold my calls. Tell everybody I'm in session. I'm in the car driving to

Burger's house.

Hmm, cute.

You don't have any pubic hair. Hey, you're not Asian.

No, I'm Protestant.

What?

Oh, fine.

Uh... Uh... They're from scratch.

Oh, Lizzie, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, Lizzie, come here. Lizzie,

cupcakes? Honey!

What does it mean to?

And I'm baked!

I'm baked!

So, Ralphie, what's your favorite food?

I like, um, classic burgers.

Ah, burgers are just... No, I mean, some are, but the good one? All burgers are

a ground -up pig asshole.

So, Alanis, welcome officially to the tiny dog adopters of America.

Thank you. And you are now the proud owner of Sir Arnold's Fines. Wow.

If you could just sign there and pop your address down for us. You know,

Ralphie, men are bad people, too.

Um, well, you know, not everyone.

You don't see men giving human life.

This is true. This is true.

I loved it.

When you grow up, Ralphie, are you going to be nice to women?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow, I've never seen a dog with no legs before.

You'll be fine once you just... feed him up a bit and give him some TLC.

How does one walk a dog with no legs, exactly?

You can probably just get one of your people to fashion a little board for him

and then put some wheels in so he can just scoot along like that.

You feed him twice a day through the IV, yes?

Mm -hmm. You just stick it right into the stump.

How do I pick this little stump up?

We have an arrangement with FedEx, actually. They just punch a few holes in

Okay, I'll see you next week. Thanks.

This is Ralphie. This is Alanis Morissette.

Hi. This is Ralphie.

That's so cute. Is that yours?

No, it's my kid's. You're on for next week, okay? Yep, you're in the book.

to meet you. Okay, bye.

You're adorable.

You do know who that is, don't you?

Ralph Macchio from... Oh, um, I've had some very

dirty thoughts about him.

It's just the one you'll go into the doctor then, isn't it?

Alanis Morissette is here to see you, Doctor. Okay, Lola, send her in.

Hi. I just met Ralph Macchio up there.

He was my first fantasy.

He's a gentle lamb.

How are you? I'm good. Good. How are you doing? I'm okay. I'm okay,

Alanis. Are you sure?

Because I did hear what happened.

You heard that Jeremy and I broke up?

Well, specifically that he's...

Kind of sleeping with other women. I heard I think I know Yeah, yeah, it

work out so that's great um you know what why don't I just what money money

I'll give you this

How are you, Doc? I'm good.

Good. How are you?

Fine. What's going on? So, Myron, can I be straight with you? Sure.

You know, you can actually pretend this monkey is Jeremy.

I love object therapy. And hand it to me. Okay. And tell me that it's Jeremy.

It's Jeremy, yeah. This is Jeremy. Okay, good. And if you could just work out

any kind of... Oh, okay.

No shot, huh? We couldn't turn Tompkins around.

Okay, Doc, I thank you for your time.

I'm sorry.

Thanks for everything. Hey, I'd like, however, to offer... Fuck you.

I thought I did everything right. I thought I was everything he ever wanted.

was writing Mrs. Jeremy Berger.

On all my mu -mu bags.

Yeah, doctor, boys don't like that.

Oh, apparently.

Apparently, you were right. They also don't like when you stand outside their

window. I learned this the hard way. And take photographs of them with their new

partners. It's not a good thing.

Fuck you.

Could you do me a favor and take the notebook and pen and make some notes for

file? Absolutely.

The thing is, I went to an all -girls boarding school.

A lot of my relationships were with girls, and it was a lot of role

you're a lesbian?

I'm not a lesbian. We just acted out, you know. I would get pinned by Nancy,

she would touch you.

Oh, yeah, here you go.

If you could just take these.

And I think sing it out.

Sing it out. Is that what you do?

It's all I know to do. You know what? You are a musician. I know that you

get out things in different ways. And I actually thought maybe I should write a

song about it. Do you have some lyrics already?

And I'm here to remind you.

What do you think?

You know what I think? I think sometimes.

I'm here.

You know, to get the anger out.

Because, you know, Atlanta, I actually have a good voice. I actually sang

Yeah, that's what they all say. I was with the Piccadillo, which was a group

that I put together.

Maybe I could actually use a lot of this and cut my own album, right?

Yeah. I mean, you know, was it yours, like, the best -selling album in

Yeah, I'm not going to introduce you to Madonna.

Wow, there's a glow about you when you're pregnant. I love you so much.

so pretty and smart, and your practice is thriving. I love you, too.

Hey,

Myron, come in.

Hi. Hi.

They work.

Yeah.

So, what's going on? You look a little more depressed. Oh, I don't know.

Nothing. I can't put my finger on it.

Did the board get back to you? They gave me a no. They passed.

Really? Yeah. They gave me the finger.

You don't feel like hurting yourself, do you? No, not this time. No.

Dr. Good.

Yeah. Great news.

Fred Siegel have agreed to buy some of my moral fibers t -shirts, and they'll

carrying my license. That's terrific. Isn't it fantastic? That's wonderful.

What do you think?

My cut should be, I'd say maybe 50%.

Why do you get half, Myron? Based on what we've done.

I don't think that was part of the agreement. Well, it has nothing to do

that. It's a legal contract.

What are you talking about?

Um... Myron and I are married, Doctor.

You know, it has the immigration thing.

This is a safe haven.

Why do I help people?

Well, I'm concerned about the human condition.

You know, I don't subscribe to the Beatles song, All You Need Is Love.

People are brokenhearted every day.

People lose somebody every day. People lose their minds every day. I mean, hey,

celebrity, you big crazy, you big, ooh, need a lot of love. How about getting in

touch, and not the magazine, but the feeling with your own heart?

I'm a helper.

I'm a picker -upper.

I'm like a Sherpa. You know, I'm going to lead you through the snow. I'm going

to bushwhack the way. I'm going to help you find who you are.

I'm not a trainer. I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not a publicist. I'm

walker. I'm not a William Morris agent.

I'm the person that works with the machinations of your mind.

message at the beep.

Lizzie, Jeremy, listen, I don't know. I came out of the shower. I had shaving

cream. These naked women are there, and I called the cops. Then you...