Original subtitles

And action, Myron.

Hi.

I'm Dr. Myron Finkelstein. I'm a shrink. I can help you.

Everybody's got problems. That was excellent, Myron. Just a bit more energy

time. Come on, we'll do another one. Come on. Are you sure you know what

doing with this sweater? Of course I know what I'm doing. People coming to me

for help? I am a stylist and a filmmaker.

In you go.

How are we doing for sound?

He says you're doing fine. Just speak up a bit louder, okay?

This is fantastic, Doctor.

It's completely full.

You've got Roger Pearson at 9, Carol Carpenter at 11, and then Ray Dallas at

.15.

Dr. Finkelstein, this might just be our busiest day ever.

Yeah, I knew it was going to happen. Eventually, somebody had to talk about

work I was doing.

Fantastic. Do you think it might be anything to do with the commercial?

Absolutely. That helped.

The Yellow Pages. The Yellow Pages is an investment.

I'm so happy for you. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I think it's time

for a little congratulatory hug.

Go on.

Excellent. Yes.

We should have some champagne.

Doctor's office.

Lola, hi. How are you? Hello, Doctor. Good. I can't tell you the day I'm

Do you know that it's not even...

Cree holiday and everything is on sale.

Barney's had this sale, and I'm telling you, it was cashmere four miles.

And jeans, and I don't usually wear jeans because I'm more of a corduroy

I got naughty and I bought a few different ones. Actually, you've got

Garth in here, Doctor. I don't know what to do with him.

Oh, God. All right.

Do me a favor. Catch him through.

Okay. One moment.

Willie, I have Doctor Good for you.

Oh, um...

Okay.

Hi, Willie. How are you?

I'm fine, Dr. Good. Where are you? Yeah, we're going to do isolation therapy

today. What do you mean, isolation?

You know how last week we did transpersonal digression?

Yeah. Today I want to work on separation and social anxiety disorder, and I need

you to be alone for that.

Wow. Wow.

And she will see you at 10 o 'clock on Friday.

Thank you.

Okay, bye -bye. Bye.

Hi. Good morning. I have a 10 o 'clock with Dr. Finkelstein.

Your name is? Roger.

Roger Pearson.

Roger Pearson. Lovely.

Very happy to see you, Mr. Pearson.

How did you hear about us? Oh, I saw your Yellow Page ad, and then I actually

saw your commercial.

Do you know, I actually directed and styled that commercial.

Oh. And it was effective.

Very nice. Can I get you a treat?

Now, tell me about that phone call.

I just started smoking pot.

Don't skip the beats. I need to hear everything.

I needed money because I had lost my pot money gambling,

which was my allowance.

I know last time when you were crying and you were telling me about the boys

that used to beat you up behind the synagogue.

Can we go there again?

Okay. I want you to get comfortable and tell me how it felt.

Well... The worst part was that I could never tell my grandmother what had

happened to the Amica.

And... Roger, it was great.

You're doing great, man. Thank you so much. It was a pleasure to meet you. See

you next time. You're wonderful.

I'll see you next week. I really appreciate it.

Bye. Bye -bye.

This is the thing.

I was always afraid of the dwarves. Well, you know, little people in

They're a lot heavier than they look.

Uh, Willie?

Yeah? I'm gonna go.

You can stay in my office and just keep breathing.

Dr. Go - Lola!

Doctor's office.

Okay, one moment.

Dr. Good, I've got Jeremy Berger for you.

Catch him through.

This is Elizabeth.

Hi. Elizabeth, will you marry me? Too forward? I'm kidding. Listen, it's

Berger from the internet dating thing. Do you want to have lunch at the Roof

Garden? Stay 45 minutes?

Great. I can see to the office in Kane.

Oh, beautiful. I'll see you there, baby.

I'll try a thong.

You know what? You're going to find your man.

You will find a man.

And good luck with the root.

Carol!

Yes? Dr. Finkelstein, how are you?

I don't have much time. I am getting a seaweed mud wrap in 45 minutes.

Yeah, that'll work. Hi, dear. Would you mind getting me a diet root beer?

Cool. Do you have any chocolate?

I have chocolate.

Oh, good.

I'll have to watch my weight. But not today.

Come on in, Carol.

I thought you'd be a little younger.

Let's go.

Isn't it fun when you meet a new friend?

I just like people. You know, I like talking to people, being around people.

Not so much being with them in person as much as like talking through gadgets.

And I'm good with gadgets.

Good with my hands.

See, I'm quite the opposite. I like to be with people. It's very hard for me to

read people.

Although I do phone sessions.

You know, if I have a client in San Francisco. We'll phone it in. Yeah,

have a session over the phone.

Interesting. In the business, we call phoning it in is like when an actor

up and doesn't give it his all. We say phoning it in.

Funny. But, you know, what I think is interesting is we balance each other

You know, because I'm not as good in person. Are we going to date? Because I

just need to get a few things out before.

Because I'm uncomfortable and so I need to express that.

I don't usually sleep with somebody until the 13th or 14th date. Okay. And I

consider a meal a date, not a walk or shopping.

Okay. I don't have orgasms for a very long time. That's my comfortability

That's okay. I have cellulite, so if you're expecting a model, you're not

to find one. Okay, excellent. Good to know. And I have a tendency to get very

jealous, so if you even flirt with somebody, I'll put a gun to my head. All

right, well, let me put your feelings at ease there, first of all. Okay, I know.

I'm just, you know, I like to be... straight shooter.

Dr. Finkelstein, I've got Ray Dallas in reception.

So, how old are you, Ray?

23. Huh? 23?

23. Yeah.

You look a little older.

So what do you want to talk about? What's going on?

Well, I don't have much time. I've got to be back at the golf link soon.

No kidding. Why?

Why? What do you fucking think why? I'm a caddy, for God's sake. Don't you look

at your goddamn notes?

What's your problem, Ray? Why are you so angry?

I'm still living at home with my mom, man. I should be in college.

But no, I'm stuck caddying for a bunch of fat asses. No kidding. What would you

like to study?

I only have eyes for one person when I have eyes for someone.

Oh. I want you to know that sincerely from the bottom of my heart. And those

eyes are like, they're just pools of sapphires. Well, I think you're really

special. I think it's special what you do, helping people. I mean that.

Thanks, sweetheart.

You know what else?

About the 13th or 14th date thing. Maybe we could work like a 10 out of 13 sort

of deal. I'm kidding. Because that's what I do as an agent. We work out

No, I understand. No, 13th or 14th date is great for me. Hell, we could do a

full season, full order of 23, and then get right in there. Well, if I had my

druthers, I'd probably be in a band.

Yeah, what do you play?

I play bass.

All right.

Yeah,

that's nice.

You know where I should be? I should be in Vegas clubbing.

My dad taught me a lot that I knew. He passed the business on to me. Oh, your

dad was an agent? Yeah, he was. Well, we like to say representative because

agent has such a negative connotation.

His motto was always, I've got your back and a knife in the other person's. You

know what I mean?

I know, isn't it funny? But it's true because you really have to protect the

person that you're representing at all costs.

I mean, when you say you're representative, it sounds so political.

I know, and that's why we call the United States of Talent is the name of

agency. I know, and I think that's so smart.

Thanks, isn't it? We have a government tie -in, you know, and people respond to

that, especially these days.

Flavor Flav.

He's got so many mistresses. He's got that girl named Booth, and he's got New

York, and he's got Crazy.

And that fucking dude is small and ugly. Look at me, man.

You're tall.

I'm like a pussy magnet.

Yeah.

You get a lot of that, huh? A lot of it. They come to you. Come on. That must be

good. That must be fun. Well, you know, you can only fuck so long a day. Yeah,

that's right. You know, four or five times a day.

You know what? You have a lot of ambition, and I'm happy for you. You

done?

Well, time's up.

Come on.

Oh. Okay, we'll be seeing you.

It's all good.

Yeah, you'll be all right.

Everything's going to work out for you.

I don't mean to change the subject, but I like to know what... You know, I work

so hard. I just don't have time. Me too, and I always bring it home.

Yeah, I have girlfriends, but no one that I've really fallen for.

It was really great.

Roger Pearson, Carol Carpenter, Ray fucking Dallas.

I don't know. Maybe the Yellow Pages is not such a good idea.

I can't discount advertising, but I mean... Well, how would you like me to

it? Bill the three of them.

Keep them coming at work. It's business.

What address do I send it to?

I'm Dr. Myron Finkelstein. I'm a shrink. I can help you. I don't care what your

problem is. You can't sleep if you can't eat. If you're too tired, you're too

shy. If you have sexual problems, you can't get it up, can't get it down. Feel

like you're at the end of the rope? You ever want to use the rope?

You're so depressed that you want to jump off a building. Talk to me.

I'll talk you out of it or your money back. Whatever it is, I'll help you.

the yellow page. And don't forget, bring the voucher. I'll help you.

I'll help you.

I'll help you.

Andy, something go wrong?

I just wanted to check in because this is my time slot.

We have a session?

Yeah. Andy, sounds like you have a lot on your mind. I'm going to let you talk

and I'll keep quiet.

Oh man, I really do. I'm so happy.

The food here is weird.

The food here is weird. A little spicy. I think I got a touch of that

Montezuma's Revenge. My ass is exploding all over the place.

Hang on, hang on. I'm on the phone. I'm doing my therapy.

You don't want me drinking.