Original subtitles

Freudian slip.

I mean, he's become part of the vocabulary.

I can't get over the fact that, I mean, truck drivers will say, I'm anal, but

that's Freud. He invented anal.

And I love his sexual digging into sex and

mommy and daddy, you know.

But I have no clue.

So are you still picketing the major cosmetic companies?

Oh, well, yeah, but, you know, the problem is I just look like hell.

I mean, look at this.

Look at this.

And, you know, when you notice it when you're opening up the car door and you

see it in the window, the reflection, and it's just, I mean, I disgust myself.

That's great, Dr. Nichols. We'll call you. Okay, thanks. Bye -bye. Bye. Bye.

Dr. Nichols, what did he want? Yes, he wants to take you out to lunch. All

right, he wants to take me to lunch. Well, actually, he said that you should

pick a place. Oh, I pick a place. That means I ought to take him.

That's great news.

I think I'm on the board. Have you stopped plucking your pubic hair?

I don't want you to repeat that to anyone.

It's not a problem in terms of self -mutilation to pluck the pubes, but what

happens when you eat them is that you create a hairball.

Do you think he wants me to pay? Do you think I should pick up the tab?

I don't think he really... Well, I mean, did it sound like he was taking me to

lunch or he wanted me to pick, so... Yeah, he asked me to lunch, but I was

wondering who... Many times in my field, when somebody wants to be hairless,

they want to get back to a prenatal state.

Well, look.

See, this is... That's my little friend. Are you identifying with the baby?

Oh, to be held in someone's arms and... And have nice skin?

I have nice skin with no scabs and no gagging. Do you think Barbie exists in

nature? Oh, she's very natural.

Why don't we celebrate?

How about a drink? No. You and me, go for a drink. No.

Dinner? No. Dinner and drinks? No.

Coffee? No.

How is your relationship with your neighbors?

Is it better?

The one who's suing us?

For defecating on their lawn?

I had to go.

Jane, if you leave a sock with your name tag in it... I want to go back to what

we were talking about earlier, about the beauty fixation, and I know that you

broke all the mirrors in your house, and that's fine. A lot of people that have

appearance deficit disorder do do that. The important thing for you to know is

you cannot perform your own liposuction.

You need to have an anesthesia.

That pain is...

So divine.

Are you still eating your scabs?

Only when I run out of pubic hair.

Rick, what brings you to therapy today?

I've been dealing with some stuff.

Yeah? Retirement hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be.

How tall are you?

About 6 '6". And you're single now, right?

Yeah. Are you dating anybody now?

No. I mean, dating, yeah.

Let's talk about that.

Do you like blondes?

Blondes are good.

Are you hot?

I'm sorry, I don't know.

It's a little warm. Yeah, yeah, look at you. We do a lot of stuff called role

-playing, okay? I try to become somebody maybe that you have a relationship

with, and it's a way for you to say things to somebody that you're unable to

in your real life. Who are you attracted to? Just name somebody you're attracted

to. Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey. Yeah. Okay, so just pretend I'm Mariah Carey.

Okay. And what do you want to say to Mariah?

Just... Pretend I'm Mariah and we're shooting a movie together. What do you

to say to Mariah? Well, Mariah. Anything you want.

You're not that bad an actor. Oh.

You really are.

We're doing role play. I was just wondering if you might be able to find

me. Go ahead, Rick.

A baseball.

Lola, while you're out there, can you hold my call and lock the door?

Look at those hands.

Have you ever seen such hands? No.

I haven't. Okay.

All right. Thank you, Lola. That'll be all. Lock the door. Oh, look at you.

And you're so dark.

Dr. Good?

Lola, it's Dr. Good. Listen.

Oh, hello, Dr. Good. I want you to stop work.

What? I want you to put the answering machine on, go home, take a shower,

because us girls are going out. Going out?

Out! Wonderful!

Thank you for calling the offices of Dr. Good and Dr.

Finkelstein. Please leave your message at the...

Lola, yes.

Oh, this is Tom Sizer. I was calling regarding Dr.

Good's availability.

I was wondering if she might be able to kick my teeth in next Wednesday at 2

.30.

Hello?

Well, here's to experimenting with eye makeup.

Oh, my God.

But I want to thank you so much for everything you're doing in the office.

It's really running like a well -oiled machine, and I think it's not so

depressed.

He's not so depressed, but still not quite fun enough to bring out with us.

Anyway, I'm really glad it's just you and I and it's a girl's night. Oh, it's

girl's night. Yeah.

I know you're strapped for time, so I thought this would be a good idea. My

assistant fixed this up.

It's kind of unusual. It's a little later than I thought it was going to be.

Park in the dark. Yes.

Oh, God, I love getting drunk. I'm just... Oh, I was counseling so much AA

that I never did it myself, but it's fun.

Why stop drinking?

Oh, they're pretty loud over there.

Oh, God.

Oh, here we go.

Middle -aged crisis. Got to stay home.

I'll tell you, Dr. Fink -of -Seen, I'm thinking the board at this point.

Very persuaded by your pro bono work? That's great.

Now, are you prepared to take on the volume of referrals that are going to

once you're on? Yeah, volume. I'll take families.

Entire family. I can take families. Hi, my name is Lola Buckingham. What is it?

Lola Buckingham. Lola.

Yeah. How are you, Lola? I'm fine, thank you. This is my boss, Dr. Elizabeth

Goode. Hi.

What kind of doctor? Is there anything I can do to expedite this?

As a matter of fact...

We've got one curmudgeon, Tompkins, and perhaps next week the three of us?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Someplace more traditional?

Sure. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

So, Stephen, have you ever been in therapy?

It's actually Sean. Okay.

Have you ever been in therapy before? I appreciate that, but no, I don't need

therapy. Thank you.

But is it funny? It's funny.

Please leave your message at the beep.

I said kick in my teeth at 2 .30. That is a specific instruction.

Does she have any time next week to see me? I'm losing my mind, I think.

Let's pretend I'm somebody at a bar that you're interested in pursuing.

What would you say to me? Hi, Sean Hayes.

I'm an attractive, single, educated, STD -free woman.

How are you?

The kind of people that come into our office are really the sort of people

you probably hang out with. I mean, I probably can't say their names for my

in here, but... Is it you actually hitting on me now? No, I'm just... Are

pretending to be somebody else? I am your perfect person.

What do you say to them to engage them in some kind of an intimate scenario?

Oh, um, what do you do for a living?

It was great being a boss with Michael Mann, although he would say things

like... Well, why did you want to be an actor?

We're going to do this here in the restaurant?

It's hard for me to stop. I'm sure you're acting right now.

Wow. Yeah.

I'm not. Well, have you ever thought of having a therapy? Because if you did, we

have secret entrances out. We have a back entrance that you could use if you

feel sort of back injured. That sounds a little kinky, doesn't it?

Well, maybe you do need to come in.

But anyway, hi, it's Tom Sizemore.

Sean, right?

Oh, you got it right. Yes, I did. I have another drink. You're from Alaska?

Actually, I'm from Chicago.

Oh.

Because you have an Alaskan accent.

Cheers.

I love sake.

Oh, you've got a bit blotchy, Miles.

Oh, I guess I have, huh? I think it's fine.

Yeah? Well, as long as you don't see. No, I mean, you know. Was your mother a

whore? Um, no, my mom. My mom wasn't a whore. She had five kids.

That's kind of whore -y.

I guess so, huh?

Sounds kind of cakey, actually.

Lovely. I just wanted to try it.

You should warn me about that. Bye, Curie.

Oh, don't tell me that.

I'm not saying your life is superficial.

I'm just saying that at the end of the day, when you're in your deathbed, are

you really going to say, oh, thank God I was in Will and Grace.

Thank God I worked with Cher. I got an Emmy.

Ooh, did you see the guest stars during sweeps? I mean, come on, Sean.

Yeah. Do you come here often? I will more, you know, if you do.

You know what I say?

I say, sell your Beamer.

Sell your house in Rancho Cucamonga.

Just sell it all.

Just enough with materialism.

Enough. Well, where do I go?

You know where you go?

Right in here. I have to see her next Wednesday at 2 .30. I have to.

Lola, please.

Thank you for calling me. Yeah, maybe, you know, you're right. I mean,

everything you're saying is so impactful.

I cry when I masturbate.

Wow.

That's a lot of information.

I had a celebrity patient once. Did you? Yes, I did.

Pat Nixon's friend.

Who's Pat Nixon?

That's your time.

Okay.

Thank you.

That was really good.

Thank you.

Well, thank you for these, Jane.

I have a whole closet of stuff you've given me. And, you know, the ointment

gave me last week is only for burn victims, so I would use that very

But it's very good with the pain.

I understand that. How are you feeling?

Pain.

I feel lots and lots of pain. I notice you've been injecting your hands as

I'm soaking in it. Yes.

I don't think you can tell.

Have you read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?

I don't think so.

Oh, Jane, you look gorgeous.

I'm having a good day.

There we go.

Just put a file, Jane.