Original subtitles

So I went to medical school and, you know, I really wanted to help people.

you know, okay, I failed the dental hygienist test and I can't do surgery.

I let the frog go. So what? The point is I wanted to get into people's heads,

you know.

And I feel like that little kitten hanging onto the branch, you know, hang

there. Well, I'm trying, but I'm bombarded with so much craziness, you

sometimes even when I cut my thigh and I go deeper and deeper with a ballpoint

pen, I don't feel anything. How am I ultimately going to help people if I

add out myself?

Do you know what I mean?

I have an idea.

Go ahead. Try it. Try it.

Welcome to Fatburger. What can I get cooking for you?

I'm going to have a zucchini deal. Can I have zucchini fries and milkshake?

Okay.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

It is a different perspective.

I know. I mean, she wanted something, and I gave it to her.

And I could tell she was crazy right when she walked up. And then I'm... I

what you did. Right. Thank you. I know. I knew you'd like this.

I know.

We should probably keep helping her.

Gross, I'm a fat burger guy. I need a shrink.

Katie, what was the name of that dating website you used when you cheated on

David?

So do you prefer Ralph or Ralphie?

Ralph. So have you been thinking about college?

Have I been thinking about college? Yeah. Would you like to go to college or

join the military?

You know, it's funny because I went,

I applied to college.

Oh, already? Yes, yes.

I'm older maybe than you think.

Okay. Okay. So I'm married. You know, I have a wife and two kids now. Oh, you're

married.

Yeah, yeah.

I love role -playing. This is great.

And your kids are Barbie and Ken, Cabot's Pat, some

of those Flatsies, Patsies. Which ones are your kids?

They could even be dinosaurs.

Oh, Ralphie.

Look what I've got.

Oh, Ralph, pick a color. I've got some little sucker pups for you. Pick a

any color you want. No one's judging you.

I'll go with the red one.

Nice strawberry red one. Good. Strawberry red? Good boy.

Sometimes in behavioral therapy, children like to have a stuffed animal

sucky pop or something that makes them feel more secure and able to talk.

No, Myron, you're not on the board yet, but you have made our consideration

list. Oh, yeah.

So there's a short list, and that's the beginning of it, and then you go on from

there? Exactly. That's great.

Thank you very much. Yeah. Really appreciate it. My pleasure.

Do you have an animal? Do you have a pet? Do you have a blankie? We have a

You have a dog? Is it a real dog?

It's a real dog, yeah. Do you sleep with the dog? The dog actually sleeps on the

end of the bed. My wife and I... Your wife? Is that what you call your... Do

have a... I'm thoroughly confused, but I will... I'm saying... You know, at dusk

after you've played Kick the Can and had some mac and cheese and you play house,

who plays the mom?

No, I'm the... Ralphie? Yes? Do you like a little... Sure,

I will have a little... Don't spill on the couch. Is it orange juice? Good boy.

Yeah, I'll take a sip of orange juice. And Lola, make sure we have a Guardian

signature in the file. Yes, I'll get it. I'll get it on the funny page. Ralphie,

what do you like to do?

What are some of your hobbies?

Do you like to draw? Do you like to paint?

I like to...

I like to listen to music. You like listening to music. I'm not good at

I like to write.

Okay. A little bit.

A little bit. Good for you. Now, do you masturbate a lot, Ralphie?

Not as much anymore.

That's great. I'm going to continue doing all the pro bono work I can.

yeah.

Oh, by the way, I'm a little short on samples.

I'll pop by next week and bring some with me.

I'm very scared.

Are you scared?

I'm a little on the pins and needles right now because I don't quite get it.

you think about your mommy's friends?

Do I think about my mommy's friends?

Do you think about the lady from the bake sale or the woman from church? I

believe I just said mommy.

Yeah, you see a mommy at a bake sale or maybe somebody in curlers. That's not a

turn on the curlers. No. No? No, that has to be, the curlers have to be done.

Ralphie, it sounds like you're getting a little bit grumpy. I think it might be

time for a nap. Yeah. Okay. Oh, nice. There we go.

Dr. Nichols, I appreciate it. Thank you very much. My pleasure. Thank you. It's

not my pleasure, Myron. Sure, this will work.

Dr. Freud, thank you.

To us.

Thank you.

Oh, what a week!

No, it's just that I can't eat sugar pops without whole milk.

I mean, I appreciate the skim milk, but I've just had a crazy week, so I'd like

to have as much dairy as I can.

You look like Dustin Hoffman. Did you know that? No. Are you an actor?

No. No? You're just a waiter?

Yes. Oh, really? Because I think you could be famous.

People have told me that before.

Yeah?

No? No. Because I treated Dusty years ago, and, you know, Napoleon Complex.

God, you really look like him. It's funny. And look at your eyes. Wow.

blue. Thank you. Steve McQueen Blue. Really? Yeah. That's very nice. All

Well, listen, from now on, sugar pops with milk.

Definitely. Okay. You got it. All right. Thank you so much. You're welcome.

Okay.

I was trying to do something good for you. Oh, I don't need you to do anything

for me, my God. Thanks, you're my assistant.

But that doesn't mean I don't have any experience in the dating world, does it?

Oh, am I so pathetic?

Are you kidding me? I can't walk down the street and I'm just trying to help

you. Well, clearly it is really hard to be this popular girl in my sorority. I'm

trying to help you.

Do you care that you've got 163 responses?

163?

Okay, I'm going to narrow it down for you, Lola.

No Bible belt. Nobody that lives with their parents.

I don't like anybody that doesn't wear briefs. I'd like a college education.

Some cooking would be nice.

I like a man with a manicure.

Pets are okay. No fish or birds.

And this guy with the blackheads? Yeah,

that's nasty.

So you won't eat your dinner if any of the food is touching.

Well, I like to eat.

I'm sort of compartmentalized.

Well, anybody that eats all their peas is a good boy.

Lizzie!

Hello. How are you? I'm fine, thank you. How lovely to see you again.

So good to be back.

So what are you going to dress up for Halloween?

Um, I'm not a big Halloween guy.

Oh, come on. You like candy, don't you? I do like candy.

Can I first interest you in a tiny dog adoption?

I've missed Pebbles. Oh, it's the Reynolds Fine.

God, no.

You know, I really don't like the kick -me -dog.

Dr. Nichols, appreciate you coming by. Well, thank you for having me. I hope to

get to sit on a board with you. Well, I hope so. Listen, I think I can speak for

the entire board of consensual mental health and psychiatry when I say the

volume of your pro bono work is very impressive.

Well, thanks. I love doing it. Thanks for this. Well, you're welcome. If you

need more of those psychopharmacological samples...

Scoop me a quick email.

Oh,

you're Dr.

Georgina, right?

No. No.

Myron, this is Liz Fair. Liz Fair. I love your work.

Dr. Nichols. Nice to meet you.

How are you?

I'm great. How are you guys doing? Big fan.

Really? Yeah.

What's wrong?

All of them.

You've slept with more or less than 50 men.

God, math was never really my strong suit.

I'm going to say over.

How do you meet men, Liz?

I don't really meet men. I think they kind of meet me.

Tell me, how does that work?

I don't know. It's just wherever I go.

They come up to me.

And how can you tell if a man is interested in you?

Did buy you a drink?

Okay.

So you're in a bar?

Did I say that?

Do you think they like a professional look or more like you, jeans and T

and expensive ripped things?

When I go out, I try to look nice. I try to wear like a dress or like heel

stuff, you know, something like a neckline.

Are you wearing a padded bra?

I think I can tell.

They can tell.

And do you think men like professional women?

women in a suit and pearls? I thought you meant hookers.

Oh, do they like hookers?

Look what I got! Look what I got!

Lola, I'm in a session. Liz, could you please sign this? I'll sign it. No, no,

it's not for Liz. It's a DVD from the internet dating website that I signed

up for. Look, it's a man. It's a man.

Let's watch it.

Yes! It's my session.

Right,

I'll just press play.

Hi, my name is Eric, and this is my video profile.

It's my first time doing this, so it's a little rough. Forgive me, but I want to

tell you a little something about myself.

I love to play golf. I love to fish.

I play water polo. I keep myself in shape. I like to run 15, 20 miles a

I actually pole vault as well.

I love animals.

My dog right there, his name is Bacon, and I have a cat. Oh, he's got a cat.

I think that's a maitre d' for Meechie. No.

Him.

My car.

Oh!

Here's my cock Here's my cock Here's my cock