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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Oliver, breakfast!

Darling, darling,

Your breakfast is almost ready.

Oh, yes, thank you, but I wanted to finish this...

Oh, say, here, here.

That's my hotcake batter.

Yes. I just want To see if it'll...

Oh, hey, it does.

No wonder I get that heavy Feeling after breakfast.

That's your fault. Why do you eat it?

I need some more of the...

Eb: mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!

Oh!

What the...

Hey, you started the fireplace.

You got one brick up already.

They were all up Until you barged in.

Here's a letter for You, mrs. Douglas.

No wonder they didn't stick.

Your cement's too thin.

Oh, that's hotcake batter.

Oh, then it's too thick.

What's too thick?

Nothing. Who's the letter from?

Cynthia.

Gee, how is she?

I haven't seen her In a long while.

Is she still...

Do you know cynthia?

No. Who is she?

She happens to be my sister.

Oh, that's who she is.

I didn't recognize Her handwriting.

Oh? What has she got to say?

Oh, charles is Coming next thursday.

Oh, boy, good old charles.

I haven't seen him since...

Do you know charles?

No. Who is he?

My nephew.

What do you mean, Charles is coming to visit?

Well, last time I Wrote to your sister,

I invited him.

What for?

Well, I couldn't think Of anything else to say.

When is charles getting here?

Thursday, so we'll Give him a nice party,

And then on friday, we're Going to take him to...

We don't have to entertain him.

Well, what is the Poor boy going to do?

He can help eb.

Oh, boy, I always Wanted my own flunky.

Eb.

A guy I can shove around Like you shove me around.

If you don't...

Darling, where is He going to sleep?

He can share eb's room.

I've already got Somebody sharing my room.

Who?

Eloise.

What? My pet turtle.

Out.

I'm going.

Out! I'm gone!

Oh!

What was that?

I don't know, but wait Until I get my hands

On that chowderhead.

Shut that off, you chowderhead!

What are you doing?

Shut that thing off. You stupid?

Uncle ollie.

Oh, don't touch me.

Don't you recognize me?

I'm your nephew chuck.

Chuck?

I didn't expect you to...

Oh, what happened To that little boy...

When you were young, Your hair didn't come...

Do you have any identification?

Identification?

Darling, what was all that...

Oh, hello, young lady.

No. She's not a...

He's...

It's my nephew.

Oh. Hello, charles.

I am your aunt lisa

Through your mother's brother.

You really shot yourself down

A real bird, uncle ollie.

Oh, well, thank you, charles.

Chuck. Chuck what?

Chuck. It's my nickname.

Oh, well, whoever you are,

We are delighted you came.

Yes. It's nice of You to drop in.

Now, if you're ever in The neighborhood again,

Let us know.

No, darling.

Your sister said

That he would like to Stay with us for a while.

Oh, well, come Along, chuck charles.

I'll make you breakfast.

Well, I might go for A little espresso.

Uh, wouldn't you like To clean up a little bit

Before you go into the house?

Like, say, ahem, get a haircut?

You putting me on?

I just got it cut yesterday.

Come along. I'll Make you breakfast,

And then later on, I'll show you

Where you're going to sleep.

Sorry about this, eloise, But we're having company.

You'll have to Sleep out for a while.

Lisa: eb!

Here, darling.

There.

Man, what a Ring-a-ding staircase.

Eb, I want you to meet

My nephew-in-law chuck charles.

Just plain chuck.

Howdy. I'm just plain eb.

Want to help me feed my turtle?

Oh, I really splashed Down in hicksville.

What'd he say?

I don't know. He Came from chicago,

And that's the way They talk there.

Oh.

Oh, well, I'll leave you 2 Boys to get acquainted.

Well, might as well Make yourself at home.

Want to hang up Your coat and hair?

Oh, that's a real knee slapper.

Uh, where do I flake out?

Boy, you sure talk Funny in chicago.

Look, lil abner, where Do I pile the bones?

You know, sleep.

Oh, you share the bed with me.

Ok.

Hey, watch it!

Ooh!

You could've flattened henry.

Ahh!

What are you, some Kind of animal nut?

No. Animals are my hobby.

If you want, we can go Over to the creek tonight

And get one of these for you.

Oh, that sounds Like a gassy evening.

Tell me, what else do you Do around here for kicks?

Well, we can sit Around and listen

To my record collection.

What kind of records?

Oh, dizzy gillespie,

Dave brubeck, tijuana brass.

Do those cats turn you on?

Oh, yeah. They're neato, man.

Neato?

You just killed The whole effect.

Hello, eb.

Oh, good morning, Eleanor, darling.

Morning, miss douglas.

What's the matter With your voice?

Nothing. Chuck's Still asleep upstairs.

Oh, the poor boy. He's Probably very tired,

Riding all the way from Chicago on his sickle-cycle.

It wasn't that. He Was up half the night

Changing my record Player into a hi-fi.

Oh, that's very nice.

What's nice?

Shh!

What's nice?

Well, what chuck Charles did last night.

Underneath all that hair,

He's a pretty nice kid.

Well, I'm glad you like him.

Why are we whispering?

He's still asleep.

Asleep?

He's asleep?

It's past 6:00!

What does he think this Is, a country club? Chuck!

Ahh! Unh.

Cock-a-doodle-do, unc.

Morning, aunt chick.

Good morning, chuck charles.

Did you sleep well?

Uh, no, not too good.

That frog had pretty cold feet.

Chuck...

What are you people Doing up so early?

I mean, did your electric Blanket blow a fuse?

This is a farm... Mm-hmm.

And on a farm, People get up early.

Why? Yeah, why?

I was wondering about that, too.

Lisa.

In the city, I always Slept until noon.

Chuck says he sleeps Until 2:00 in the afternoon.

He's going to teach Me how to do it.

If there's one Thing you don't need,

That's lazy lessons.

Now, get to work.

Yes, sir.

Now, chuck, this is a farm,

And you got to Learn that on a farm

You're expected to pitch in

And do your share of...

Look, you wouldn't consider

Getting a haircut, would you?

Now, you've got to learn

That I expect you To help around here.

There's certain Chores you've got to do.

Now, if you want To stay around here,

You've got to do them. Here.

How do you play this thing?

It hasn't got any strings on it.

Eb will show you.

Ok, where do I go?

The other side Of the corn field.

That's pretty far. I think I'd better take my cycle.

You wouldn't think of walking?

And get my boots dusty?

After sleeping until 2:00 in the afternoon,

Then what'd you do?

Oh, I'd usually Slip on my threads,

Hop on my cycle,

And cut out for The coffee house.

Boy, that's what I call living.

Yeah. It does kind Of tire you out,

But you get used to it.

I'm used to it already.

When are we going To dig that ditch?

Man, you are sick.

Listen, you start fooling around

With this shovel stuff,

And you're going to Wind up in blisterville.

Mr. Douglas gets pretty mad

If you don't do Something he tells you to.

He can't help it. All Kooks are like that.

Well, after we finish Not digging the ditch,

What else ain't we going to do?

Well, I figured we'd Take us a little nap,

Then we'd hop on The cycle, and we'd...

Where's the action around here?

Hooterville.

Oh.

Sorry.

Man, what are you doing?

Whittling.

It's kind of an unwritten law.

When you sit in front Of the general store,

You're supposed to whittle.

That way if any Tourists come by,

It gives the town a Nice rustic effect.

I thought you said this Is where the action is.

It is. If you sit Here long enough,

Every pretty girl in Hooterville walks by.

Well, we have been sitting Here for 3 hours now,

And, like, nobody Has crossed my path.

Well, tuesday's a slow day.

This is friday.

It is? That's even Slower than tuesday.

Man, isn't there anything To do in this town?

Want to go over to the depot

And watch the 12:00 train come in?

It's 3:00.

It is? Gosh, it's 2 minutes late.

No, thanks, man.

That's a little Too crazy for me.

Morning, mr. Douglas.

Hi, mr. Kimball.

Yeah. Sure is a Nice day, isn't it?

Oh, what's nice about it?

Well, it seems kind of nice.

It's not raining.

At least I...

No, it's not raining.

Of course, if The wind shifted...

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get My motor fixed.

Mind if I have a look?

Go ahead.

I happen to be pretty Good with motors.

Oh, boy.

Hopeless?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

If you get yourself a new...

Or change the...

Think we could push It over to a junkyard?

Mr. Kimball, I have Got to get this...

Oh, well, go on. Have to what?

Fix the motor!

Oh, I don't think I can do that.

I just remembered Why I came over.

It was to...

Wait. I have a memo on it.

Oh, yes. I heard your Niece was staying here,

And I thought Maybe she'd like to...

Not my niece. It's my nephew.

Oh, well, I heard she Had hair down to...

Yeah, yeah. That's the Way they wear it nowadays.

Yeah, it's pretty hard to tell

Who's a boy and who's a girl

Unless you happen To be one of them.

I read a book about that once.

I'd be very happy to Have your niece join the...

It's my nephew.

Oh, is he here, too?

No. I don't have a Niece. I have a nephew.

Well, whatever she is,

You think he or she Would like to join?

Join what?

The hypas... That's The hooterville

Young people's Agricultural society.

Not to be confused With the pypas.

That's the pixley young people's

Agricultural society.

Then there's the cypas.

That's the crabwell corners...

I don't think charles Is the hypas type.

Everybody's the hypas type.

I joined when I was 8.

Well, I was really 6,

But I lied about the Corn I was growing.

That doesn't make sense.

Oh, yes, it does.

When I was 6 years Old, I wanted to...

No, I guess it doesn't.

Well, anyway, you talk To the, uh, little one

And find out how They think about it.

I'll talk to him.

Oh, hello, mr. Kimball.

Darling, would you hold this?

Oh, no, thanks. I've Already had lunch.

Oh, they're not for you.

Oh.

Oh, but you're Welcome to have one.

Oh, well, thank you.

What are they?

Hotcake sandwiches.

Hotcake sandwiches?

Yes. Two hotcakes with One hotcake in between.

Here, have one.

In between?

Well, it isn't a sandwich

Unless something is in between.

Mr. Kimball?

Look, even if you Had lunch, try one.

You may never have This experience again.

Oh...

Thank you.

I'll eat it on my way home.

No, I'm not going Home. I'm going over to...

Well, I'll eat it by The time I get there.

Darling, would you like To have a hotcake sandwich?

Oh, no. I've got to Fix the tractor here.

Ah. Well, what's wrong with it?

What's wrong with it? The carburetor is clogged,

The transmission is out,

The differential is jammed, The drive shaft is bent,

And the block is cracked.

Well, if you had so many Things wrong with you,

You wouldn't run either.

Well, I'm on my way.

Where are you going with those?

I'm taking this to the boys.

No, no. Oh, no.

They'll come in When they're hungry.

Let them work.

Well, they've been Working all morning,

And chuck charles isn't Used to digging ditches.

Yes. That's what's Wrong with him.

It's time he did an Honest day's work.

The manual labor Will be good for him...

Build his character.

Hi, uncle ollie.

Hi, mrs. Aunt chick.

What the...

I thought you were...

Where have you been?

Well, we went into town

To check the scene For a little local action,

And, man, it is deadsville.

Yeah. Spook city.

Why aren't you Out there digging?

Oh, digging? Well, I meant To tell you about that.

See, as soon as I bent Down to pick up my shovel,

Whack... My sacroiliac Went right out.

And mine went with his.

Both at once?

Yeah, something like that.

Well, I'll tell you What I'm going to do.

I don't want you To hurt your backs,

So I'm going to give You something easy.

Now both of you get Up on the barn there

And tar-paper that roof!

How does he think These things up?

I don't know, but He's pretty good at it.

Get to work!

But, oliver,

The boys didn't Have their lunch yet.

They can have it at dinner.

Well, if they fall over From malsubscription,

It's your fault.

Hey, unc...

Where'd you get this Thing from, ben hur?

This is a tractor.

Oh. What does it do?

Right now, nothing.

Ooh, easy on her, easy.

An engine is a Very delicate thing.

Hmm. Now...

If I was to take this Feed line off of the carb,

And I was to run it Into the intake manifold,

Then maybe...

Do you think you Could get this running?

Holy camshaft, uncle ollie.

Don't you have any faith In the younger generation?

Well, how's it going?

Cool, man.

I got the pot tuned Up like a $9 watch.

Oh? Can I start it?

You better wait. Why?

Eb's sleeping under there.

Sleeping? Hey, come On, get out of there.

This has sure been a tough day.

Go ahead, unc. Let's fire it up.

Switch on?

Switch on.

Whoo.

Chuck, you're a shaggy genius.

Yeah. Why don't you take It out for a little spin, unc?

Better watch it, though.

I got that gear box Wound pretty tight.

I know how to drive This. I've been driving this...

Wowee, look at him go. Whoo!

Out of sight in 2 seconds flat.

He must be doing 70.

80 miles an hour on a tractor?

When I caught him,

He was just Shifting into second.

Well, what have you got to say

For yourself, lead foot?

It's not my fault, your honor.

The tractor was souped up.

Oh, you had a souped-up tractor?

Well, I'm surprised You're not wearing

One of those long haircuts.

I didn't mean to go that fast.

Then why didn't you stop

When I first flagged you down?

I didn't have any brakes.

Well, I guess to Hot rodders like you

Brakes are a little Bit old fashioned.

But, your honor...

$25.

And to top it all, That judge fined me $25.

Serves you right for Going that fast in a tractor.

I didn't try to go that fast.

Well, how fast Did you try to go?

It's all the fault Of that chuck.

He's going to have To work off that fine.

You know, I'm going To have a long talk

With that nephew of yours.

He's your nephew.

I just gave him to you.

Haney: howdy, mr. Douglas.

Not now. I'm in a hurry.

All right, I'll wait here...

For the $42.50.

$42.50? What for?

Damages incurred by Your runaway tractor.

Damages?

You went by my Place this morning

Doing 90 miles an hour.

80 miles an hour.

Well, when you did,

You tore out a Half a mile of fence.

Fence?

I guess you didn't see.

Your eyes must've been Full of goose feathers.

What are you talking about?

You went through my Whole flock of geese...

Denuded every one of them.

I didn't hit any geese.

Then why are they Standing out there

A-shiverin' and a-honkin'?

The way I figure it,

There's $10 for the fence,

12.50 for the geese,

$20 for the bull...

Bull? My prize brahma.

Don't tell me I Denuded him, too.

No, you stampeded him.

He run clear over to ben Miller's place and back.

He lost 10 pounds.

Beef sells at $2.00 a pound.

That's $20,

Making a grand total

Of $42.50.

$42.50? Aha.

Could we make That an even amount?

Sure.

Here's, uh, 50 cents.

Mr. Douglas, I guess I'll just have to sue you

For the whole amount.

Well, you just go right ahead,

And you sue me.

And remember what happened

The last time you sued me.

You didn't get a nickel,

And you won't get A nickel this time.

I'm a little tired of you...

That'll be another $30, mr. Douglas.

What for?

My motor won't start.

You're blaming that on me?

It happened on your property.

Say, unc, could I...

Wow.

That's a real winner.

The girl knows a Mechanical wonder

When she sees it.

This girl is my nephew.

Howdy, honey.

Unc...

No, it's all right.

He's a little nearsighted.

Look, do you think you could get

Mr. Haney's engine running?

Oh, yeah. I might have To kipe a few parts.

Well, whatever You have to do, do it,

Because it's costing Mr. Haney a lot of money

To park here at A dollar an hour.

A dollar an hour? I'm not paying you...

Then move your truck.

I can't.

How would you like A $42.50 repair job?

Sold.

All right. Do you think You can make it run?

Sure.

All you need's a new engine.

Who stole my engine?

What's the matter, darling?

Somebody stole my engine.

Nobody stole anything.

Chuck charles put It in mr. Haney's truck.

What?

Well, you told him to Kipe whatever he needed,

So he kiped the engine.

Hey, what does that mean?

Oh, it means...

Of all the stupid...

Where are you going?

I'm going over to haney's...

To get my motor back.

Do you know how To ride that thing?

Oh, there's nothing to it.

All you got to do is...

110 miles an hour On a motorcycle?

But...

The tractor wasn't Fast enough for you, huh?

Your honor...

What are you trying next?

A jet skateboard?

Your honor, I can explain.

Oliver: now, you See, my nephew...

Your honor, I got Another one for you.

Oh? And what did he do?

95 in a 1926 pickup truck.

Mr. Douglas, you ought To be ashamed of yourself.

You turned me into a criminal.

Me?

Your honor,

I stand before you with An unblemished record,

And this man...

Quiet.

This time, your Fine will be $35.

25 for you.

Your honor, mr. Douglas Will be glad to pay my fine.

Why should I pay your fine?

It was your truck.

Yes, but it was your motor.

Oh, darling, would you Like to have some coffee?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Have you got a cup?

No.

Hi there. Just thought I'd come in to say

That I was splitting the scene.

Aw. Oliver: what?

That's right. I'm cutting out.

Arriverdercisville.

What?

Don't tell me you're leaving.

That's right. I...

You mean you've got to go?

Yeah. You can't.

Oh, no, you can't... Well...

You mustn't.

It's just that there's too Much excitement around here.

Well, if your mind's made up...

Maybe we can change it.

No, no, I wouldn't Want to do that.

Here you are, chuck.

Oh, well, I don't Need any bread.

Take it, take it.

Make a down Payment on a haircut.

Any time you want to come back

You're more than welcome.

Thank you very much.

Any time, chuck, any time. Bye.

Oh, darling, you shoved him out.

Who, me? Oh, no.

He had to go. Got to get home.

Besides, if he stayed Here too long,

He'd be a bad influence on eb.

Eb: no, he wouldn't.

I'm still my same Little square self.

How does this grab You, uncle ollie?

Oh, for...

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