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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Order, order. Ladies, Please come to order.

This is your Chairwoman speaking.

This is the meeting

Of the third tuesday Of every month

Culture committee

Of the every other Wednesday afternoon

Discussion club.

Now, is there any old Culture to discuss?

No?

Well, then let's get on With the new culture.

Point of order.

Madam chairwoman, Before we move on

To new culture,

Parliamentary procedure dictates

That minutes of the Last meeting be read,

Discussed, and approved.

Oh, who can do that?

The committee Secretary, miss monroe.

Oh, well, I'll get her.

Ralph.

Howdy doody.

Could we have you For the minutes?

Permission to leave the job?

Mr. Douglas will Have a temper tantrum.

Protect yourself.

How'd you get so tall, eb?

Well, horace, When I was your age,

I used to stand on my toes.

You mean like this?

That's it, emory.

Oliver: eb!

Eb!

Uh-oh. Here comes my boss.

Eb, you're supposed To be working.

Are you going to hit him again?

What?

He told us when he don't work,

You beat him with A baseball bat.

Or an axe handle.

Eb, have I every Touched you in my life?

No, sir.

Then why do you go around Telling these wild tales?

It gives me status.

Who are these boys here?

That's emory durkin,

And that's horace milford.

How are you, boys?

Mrs. Douglas told me To take care of the kids

During the committee meeting.

They're talking about culture.

You know what culture is?

Well, it's...

That's right. It's when You wash your hands

Before you eat supper.

Uh, look, eb,

I'm not paying you to baby-sit.

What's that?

I'm pig-sitting, too.

Arnold?

Miss ziffel's giving Me a quarter an hour.

Unless he has to sing to him.

Then he gets 35.

Well, they'll just have To get somebody else

To do their baby-sitting.

Lisa, banging gavel: Please come to order.

I wouldn't go in there

Without a chair and a whip.

I'm not afraid of anyb...

Oh, of all the...

Careful. We're minors.

I know.

Boy, has he got a temper.

I thought you were Going to fix this.

I'm working on it.

What do you think you're doing?

I think I'm watching television.

You're not being paid To watch television.

Watch it. I'm armed.

Where's your sister?

Which one?

How many do you have?

Just one.

Then why...

Where is she?

Reading the minutes

Of the last culture Committee meeting.

She's supposed to be working.

Ooh!

Howdy doody, mr. Douglas.

You got a cold?

No. When you opened The door, you...

Alf, are you Wearing my overalls?

What shade of lipstick you use?

Peach.

No. Mmm. These are mine.

Oh, come on, alf. I left My notebook in the pocket.

I got to take the Notes of the meeting.

You're not supposed To be taking...

You're sweet.

Did you find it?

No. The only thing In the pockets

Are your compact, your Comb, and your cigars.

Those aren't mine.

They're not mine. I must...

Oh, they must be mom's.

I don't care whose they are.

I want you two to get to work

On that closet door.

Right after the meeting.

No. Wait a... Ooh!

Lisa.

Darling, you have a cold?

No, no. I walked into a door.

My fred's always doing That when he's stoned.

I'm not stoned.

I just came to tell...

Mr. Douglas, you came In at a historic moment.

Yes. The committee Has just voted

For the hootersville Symphony orchestra.

Oh, that... The what?

The hootersville Symphony orchestra.

It's like the boston symphony.

Except in hootersville.

You're all nuts.

Oliver!

Aw, don't get mad at him.

My fred's always Saying mean things

When he's stoned.

I'm not stoned.

Well, then you Didn't have a right

To speak like that About our minds.

I apologize, but it's just

When you said Symphony orchestra,

That's 110 men.

You got to have a big Hall. You're all nuts.

Oliver!

Mr. Douglas, we're starved

For the good things in life.

Maybe you are, but I got arnold.

Mr. Douglas, we Want all the things

That make life worthwhile...

Like music, to name a few.

Yes, but you...

Would you believe I've never heard

Beethoven's fifth Symphony by tchaikovsky?

Well, I don't think I've heard that myself.

Well, then you could use A symphony orchestra, too.

I guess, yeah, I could, but...

What kind of a Life is it for a girl

Who's never danced a ballet?

Well...

Ask me to sing a snatch From madame butterfly

And see what happens.

Well, I hadn't intended to,

But now that you mention it...

It wouldn't do you any Good. I don't know it.

That's the point.

Look, there's nothing Wrong with trying to build up

The cultural Climate of the town,

But you're all off your rockers.

Oliver!

Well, no, I didn't mean...

All right, if you Think you can do it,

Go ahead and try it.

We can do it.

And if you do, I'll Buy the first ticket

To the first concert.

That will be a thousand dollars.

I'll give you 5.

Don't worry, ladies.

If he plays my cards right,

I'll get the rest of it.

Now, shall we adjourn For some refreshments?

Oh, yeah. I'm starved To death, mrs. Douglas.

Do you know how Many musicians you need

For a symphony orchestra?

At least a hundred and ten.

There aren't that many People in hooterville.

Well?

Well, where are you Going to get them?

Didn't you ever Hear of wetbacks?

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah. Smuggle in a couple Of damp oboe players.

Who made the cake?

How do you know that I didn't?

It's so good.

Why couldn't I make a good cake?

I don't know. Why couldn't you?

You're not making any friends.

I was just joking.

Help me with the dishes.

What do you want me to do?

Open the door.

Close the door.

Lisa, that's no way to...

Darling, why do we Need so many musicians

For a symphony orchestra?

Well, you have to...

Well, all there are are wiolins,

Wiolas, and bass wiolas.

You're forgetting the voodvinds.

No, I wasn't.

And then there is the Kerpussion instruments.

The what?

Well, you know, when You hit everything

With the sticks... Boom boom.

Kerpussion instruments.

Oh, that's what they are?

I wondered what that Was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Excuse me. Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

That smarts.

Wait. Hold it, hold it.

What's the matter?

Not out the back door.

Oh, no, no. These go Into the dishwasher.

Oh? Why did you dump the others?

What have you got against A symphony orchestra?

Nothing.

Well, then, to Answer your question,

I dumped the others Out because I didn't know

That the dishwasher was empty.

Oh.

Now will you answer my question?

I forgot what it was.

Well, I haven't.

Why don't you want a Symphony orchestra?

It doesn't fit hooterville.

Hooterville's the Kind of a small town

That should have Concerts in the park.

What is that?

Concert? You don't...

Oh. Come here.

You know, in the old days,

Every small town had A bandstand and a band,

And on sunday, all the fellas

Would take their Best girls there,

And they'd listen To the concert.

Well, why didn't you take me?

Well, that was in the 1890s.

Oh, you went by yourself.

Anyway, those must Have been wonderful days,

With a charm and a Simplicity all their own.

Can you imagine sunday Afternoon in the park?

What did you...

Please. My mother Is very strict.

Isn't the music pretty?

Yes. Who are they, The beach boys?

Lisa, you're Spoiling everything.

Why?

We're imagining this,

And you're talking about a group

That won't be here For a hundred years.

Well, as long as You're imagining things,

Couldn't you have imagined me

In a more expensive dress?

I imagined you in the most Expensive dress in town.

Or in a better Town, like new york?

Look, lisa, if you don't Want to imagine this,

It's ok with me.

I'm sorry, irving.

Irving?

You imagined me in this dress.

I imagined you're an irving.

I'm an oliver.

Couldn't you change your name?

What for?

My mother is very strict.

Ah, I see a hot dog stand.

Are you hungry? No.

Thirsty? No.

What are you?

Sorry I came.

Oh, you're not Having a good time?

Mmm, sort of.

What would you rather do?

My mother is very strict.

I didn't say she wasn't.

Then why do you want to kiss me?

I didn't say I wanted To kiss you, but...

There aren't any Flies on you, harry.

Harry?

You don't kiss like an irving.

Would you like to dance?

With whom?

With me.

You go ahead. I'll watch.

And waste all that good music?

What good music?

The band, you...

Those were the good old days.

Well, if you liked them so much,

Why didn't you stay there?

How could we?

We just imagined what happened.

One thing I liked about them.

What?

The way you kissed Me behind my parasol.

Oh?

You liked that, huh?

Please. My mother Is still very strict.

What are you looking for?

A phone number.

Whose?

If I told you, You'd only get mad.

No, I won't get Mad. Whose number?

Poopsie.

Who?

I told you you'd get mad.

I don't know any poopsie.

Sir geoffrey wingate.

Here it is.

I don't remember him.

Don't you remember The fight we had

On our honeymoon in monte carlo?

About what?

About sir geoffrey.

You said he was Making eyes at me.

Oh, that no-good...

You're still jealous.

No, I'm not.

What are you calling him for?

Well, he's in the Symphony business.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So He said... Conductor.

You're still jealous.

He's a phony.

No, he isn't.

Do you know that He is the only man

Who conducted the Budapest symphony orchestra

In original hungarian?

Big deal.

Well, anyway, that Night in monte carlo,

Poopsie and I had a long talk.

Where was I?

Well, you were at The baccarat table

Losing 49 million francs.

What?

All of our household money.

I didn't play baccarat.

Well, then you were Losing at the roulette.

I didn't play roulette.

Well, you were somewhere.

I went to the...

That's when we Had our long talk.

I went to the bar and Got you some champagne.

I wasn't gone 2 minutes.

Anyway, that night, Poopsie and I had a long talk,

And he said if I ever wanted

To form a symphony orchestra,

I should call him.

Oh, I'll just bet he did.

He did, so I will.

Ah, here it is.

Hello. Sir geoffrey here.

Hello, poopsie.

Poopsie? I say, who is this?

This is lisa.

Oh, lisa. Well, look,

I'm dreadfully sorry To hear about last night,

But, you see, I Got tied up with a...

No, no, no. This isn't Lisa from last night.

This is lisa douglas From monte carlo.

Monte c...

Oh, yes, with the Stuffy husband.

Yes, well, I knew That would never last.

Why don't you pop Up here, and we'll...

No. Oliver is still My stuffy husband.

Oh. Well, you must have

Some other reason For calling me.

Yes. You see, poopsie, We moved to the country,

To a small town Called hootersville.

Hooters...

I'll send you the direction.

And we would like you to help us

To form a symphony orchestra.

You still do that kind Of work, don't you?

Well, I...

Will next wednesday Be all right?

Wednesday? I think...

Fine. See you then.

Good-bye, poopsie.

Good-bye.

Hootersville? Must be Some kind of artist's colony.

As I remember, lisa Was quite social.

Yes, she must have a lot Of very fashionable friends.

I'm pleased to meet You, your highness.

Whoa, easy.

Oh, I'm sorry, your highness.

Uh, no, not your highness.

I'm just a knight.

Oh, your knightship.

No, they don't call us...

This is ralph.

Sir geoffrey, one of The monroe brothers.

How do you do, my good man?

I say, you're a girl.

Ooh, I like him.

And then this is Eb, our hired hand.

How do you do?

My pleasure, your sirship.

No, I'm not a sirship.

And, sir geoffrey, you Remember my stuffy husband.

Of course. Yes. How Are you, old chap?

Look, I'm rather Anxious to get settled,

So if you'd just let me know

Where I'll be staying...

Well, everybody wanted You to stay with them,

So we drew straws,

And you're going to stay With mr. And mrs. Ziffel.

Yeah. We're giving You arnold's room.

Oh, well, I don't want

To inconvenience The little tyke.

He probably...

Uh, he looks like, um...

Don't say it. He's Very sensitive.

Yes. He thinks he's The ziffel's son.

Well...

When do we get together And start playing?

Musically, that is.

The sooner the better.

They're going to let Us use the high school.

Oh, good. Well, then,

If you'll just round Up all the talent...

Uh, sir geoffrey,

I wonder if I could speak To you for a moment.

Oh, certainly.

Poopsie, we're going to Look after your suitcases.

Come along, ralph.

Uh, I thought you and I Ought to have a little talk.

Mr. Douglas, that whole Incident in monte carlo

Was a misunderstanding.

I didn't know it was Your wife when I...

No. When you what?

Well, you see, I mistook her...

Well, you know how things are.

You're wasting your time.

Why don't you catch the Next train back to new york?

Yes, you do carry A grudge, don't you?

No, no, no. I'm not talking...

I'm talking about this Symphony that you came...

You see, hooterville...

Mr. Douglas, I can assure you

That I'm not easily discouraged.

I've founded orchestras

In much worse places than this.

Well, not much worse,

But I'm not the man to Run away from a challenge.

If there's the slightest spark

In a community,

I can fan it into a flame.

Well, that's good, Because all these musicians

Belong to the volunteer Fire department.

Please.

Well, as they say,

You're the conductor, poopsie.

Come on, mr. Douglas,

We're going to be late For sir's rehearsal.

Oh, no, I'm not going.

You're going.

No, I'm not.

You're a sorehead.

Just because he won The duel in monte carlo.

You mean mr. Douglas And sir fought a duel?

Eb, cut it out. Lisa, Will you stop that?

She's making that up.

Darling, please go To the rehearsal.

It'll be a shambles.

When that poor man hears That fire department band

Play the only piece they know,

there's a hot time in The old town tonight,

He's liable to Break down and cry,

And I couldn't stand that.

Well, are you Going, or aren't you?

It's no use.

They don't use guitars In a symphony orchestra.

Well, tell him that your wife

Is the head of the committee,

And that I said It was all right.

Now go.

Where do you want Me to sit, sir geoffrey?

Oh, you play the cymbals, huh?

Yes, sir.

My dear young lady, That wasn't necessary.

I thought you might Like an audition.

Yes, well, you go over and sit

In the percussion section.

I suppose I sit in the String section, hmm?

My dear mr. Douglas, There is no place

For a guitar in a Symphony orchestra.

Sir geoffrey,

My wife is the head Of the committee,

And she says I can Play in the orchestra.

My dear fellow,

If there's one thing I cannot tolerate,

It is nepotism.

You want me to belt him?

Oh, no, no. No.

He ain't got no right To that kind of language

Even if he is a sir.

Eb, that's not a bad word.

Sounded like one to me.

Yes, all right, mr. Douglas,

You can go and sit In the string section.

Thank you. Now, What is your name?

Sam drucker.

Oh, that's...

I run the general store.

That's fine.

If you ever need Any canned goods...

Well, I don't...

We also carry a complete line

Of english toffee, english tea,

Biscuits, and cricket bats.

Oh, did you say cricket bats?

Yeah. Well, they're Really fly swatters,

But you can use them For batting crickets.

You wouldn't listen to me.

Well, now, mister...

Drucker, of drucker's General store.

In addition to canned Goods, we also carry...

Yes, well, please, mr. Drucker,

Will you sit down here, please?

Thank you. Now, as soon As the others arrive...

What others?

You mean, this is all?

Well, it doesn't matter,

Because all you gentlemen

And, um, you...

Will be the nucleus Of the orchestra.

Don't be discouraged At your size.

You will grow. When I organized

The long island Sanitation department

Symphony orchestra,

All I had to start with

Was a couple of garbagemen And a truck driver,

So I must...

Sorry to be late.

My name is haney.

Oh, I'm sir geoffrey. Pleased to meet you.

Why?

Well, I...

How are you fixed For waving sticks?

Waving stick?

Baton.

Oh, I have one.

Get ready to buy a new one.

Oh, still using the Old wooden shaft.

Ain't that terrible, Mr. Douglas?

Deplorable.

Hate to see a famous Conductor like you

Use an old fashioned...

Wait a second.

I think I can help you.

Yes, I guess I can.

Would you be interested

In a matched set of sticks?

Well, I...

Steel shaft.

All personally autographed

By shep fields.

Oh, boy.

Guaranteed to take 3 strokes

Off of any concerto.

Well, I really don't...

And in honor of british Brotherhood week,

I can let you have The complete set

For six pence thruppence.

Six pence thruppence?

$18.

Sold.

Well... Yes, well, mr. Haney,

Please, if you'll just sit down,

We'll discuss this later.

Now, you'll notice the music

Is already on your stands.

All I got is some paper With black spots on it.

Eb, those are notes.

They are?

What are we supposed to Do with them, mr. Douglas?

You're supposed to play 'em.

See that one?

Will you move back further?

Now, please, please.

We're going to start with A very simple little piece,

Brahms' lullaby.

Who wrote it?

Well, um...

You should've taken The train when I told you.

Oh, now, please. Let's try it.

Brahms' lullaby.

Oh, stop! Hold it, hold it.

May I ask what you were playing?

Well, what was you conducting?

Brahms' lullaby.

Then that's what we was playing.

That was not brahms' lullaby.

Well, it's as close as You're going to get to it.

Look, is there anyone here

Who can read music?

Oh, I can.

Well, then, my dear,

Would you mind humming It for the others?

Fine. Now let's all Hum it together.

Capital, capital, capital.

Now let's all play that.

Oliver, why did you do That to sir geoffrey?

Are you still jealous?

Oh, no.

I tried to warn him About the orchestra, but...

Did he get on the Train all right?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

You're sure?

I helped carry him on.

Now we'll never have A symphony orchestra.

Oh, that's all right. Maybe we can revive

The band concert Idea in the park.

Will I have to wear The same kind of dress?

Oh, no.

Just a minute, irving.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm putting the light out.

I'll have to call my mother.

What for?

She's very strict.

Oh, will you go to sleep?

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