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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Howdy mrs. Douglas.

Doggone, you look as pretty

As a $350 judgment

Against your husband.

Thank you. Mr. Haney...

You got the money with you

In that suitcase?

No, I haven't.

Why not?

Because you're not Gonna win the case.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

With you.

Oh, no. You sit over there.

Well, I want to sit with you.

That's the attorney's table.

I am the attorney's wife.

You're a witness. You sit over there.

Well, I can see better up here.

No.

Well, mr. Haney's Sitting up here.

Mr. Haney's Involved in the case.

He's suing me.

I hope he wins.

Lisa.

Have you met my High-priced lawyer?

Oh, no, I haven't.

This here is diller fangworth.

How do you do? Howdy.

Mr. Douglas, who's Representing you?

I'm representing myself.

He's an a-ttorney.

He is? How come I never saw you

In the saloon across the street?

The saloon?

All the real lawyers Hang out there.

Well, I'm a real lawyer.

Where'd you go to law school?

Harvard.

You ever graduate?

Of course I graduated.

Then why don't you Hang out at the saloon

Across the street?

Mr. Haney: mr. Douglas...

This is your last chance

To settle out of court.

No, thank you.

What's he doing?

Warmin' up.

Ain't that a great imitation

Of spencer tracy?

Spencer...

The judge's fav-o-rite actor.

Darling, why are you Taking your coat off?

Don't you see what he's doing?

He's trying to make Me look like a city dude.

Well, you are.

Hear ye, hear ye.

The pixley superior Municipal court

Is now in session.

Judge clemens presiding.

All rise for the judge.

What's the first case, henry?

haney vs. Douglas.

Ahem. Plaintiff ready?

Ready, your honor.

Judge: the defendant ready?

Ready, your honor.

Who are you?

Uh, I'm the defendant...

Oliver wendell douglas.

Are you represented by council?

Uh, no, sir.

If you can't afford an attorney,

The court will be Glad to appoint one.

Uh, no, your honor. I Don't need an attorney.

I am an attorney.

You are?

Yes, sir.

How come I never saw you

Across the street in the saloon?

You're acting in Your own behalf?

I am, sir.

Then put on your coat! This is a court of law.

Mr. Fangworth Doesn't have his on.

Diller, put your coat on.

But, your honor...

I've seen your imitation

Of spencer tracy.

Now, let me see if I Understand this correctly.

Uh, mr. Haney,

You're suing Mr. Douglas for $350

For services which You claim you rendered

And he claims you did not.

I rendered 'em.

No, he didn't.

Order!

Gentlemen, there's an Established procedure

For trying a case.

Haven't you ever Seen perry mason?

Mr. Fangworth,

Would you present Your opening statement?

Yes, your honor.

As you know, for A period of 92 days,

There was no rain in The hooterville valley.

My client mr. Haney,

Being aware of The great hardship

This drought was working On the hooterville farmers,

Offered to make it rain

Out of the goodness Of his heart for $350.

Mr. Douglas contracted With mr. Haney

For said rain,

Which was delivered in The recent cloudbursts,

Which saved the crops.

But when mr. Haney

Presented his bill For his services,

Mr. Douglas refused payment,

Saying that mr. Haney Did not induce the rain.

Now, we intend to Prove that he did.

I thank you.

Mr. Douglas.

Your honor...

Your honor,

Uh, I will not deny

That I made a contract With mr. Haney.

However, I'll prove That it was not mr. Haney

Who made it rain, But my wife lisa.

Uh, that's me, your honor.

You see, my husband...

Madam, would you Mind being seated?

I talk better standing up.

Lisa, you'll get a chance

To tell your story when I call you as a witness.

Well, I thought If I told it now,

It would save some time,

So the judge could Go across the street

To the saloon with his friends.

The court appreciates Your concern.

Call your first witness, diller.

Yes, sir, that's right. I'm Mr. Douglas' hired hand.

I've worked for him for...

Would you mind Removing your hat?

It goes with the outfit!

Take it off!

Yes, sir.

Now, eb, I want you...

Does my hair look all right?

It looks fine, fine.

I want you to tell the court

In your own words Exactly what happened

A month ago today.

Let me see.

That was the 86th Day with no rain.

Everything was pretty dry,

And the vultures Were circlin' overhead.

I wonder which one Of us they're after.

Oh, they're not...

Probably you. You got More meat on your bones.

Eb, how do you know They're vultures?

Care to lie down and See what happens?

I think that's the same squadron

That was here for The 1960 drought.

Yeah, I recognize that one!

That's charlie.

Hey, he grew a new beak.

He broke his other One peckin' at my uncle.

Eb, it's too hot for These silly jokes.

Look at this corn.

Isn't there anything We can do to save it?

How about gettin' Down on our knees

And facin' the Jolly green giant?

Eb, will you...

Well, sir, when I Picked myself up...

Mr. Douglas hit you?

No, sir. I made the mistake

Of turnin' my back on charlie,

And he swooped down And knocked me flat.

You just tell us what happened

After mr. Douglas' Trained vulture

Knocked you down.

I object, your honor.

The council for the Plaintiff has no right to imply

That I had any connection With any vulture.

We're gonna get To that, your honor.

What do you intend to do, Bring the vulture into court

And question him?

Was you listenin' At our office door?

I don't eve know Where your office is.

Order. Objection sustained.

Go on with your questioning.

What happened after you came in

From the field?

Do I have to tell him?

Yes.

It ain't gonna make You look good.

Young man, answer the question.

Will you help me find Another job, judge?

Would you like 30 days On the county work farm?

No, sir.

When we came in from the field,

Mrs. Douglas was Talkin' to rudolph.

Good morning, rudolph.

Aww, you look tired.

Didn't you sleep Well last night?

Well, neither did I. It was too hot.

Oliver: lisa?

Out here, darling! That's my husband.

Who are you talking to?

To rudolph.

Rudolph? Mm-hmm. Him.

He's a sunflow...

Uh, it's a sunflower.

I know it.

You talk to him... Uh, it?

Well, of course I do.

Otherwise, he thinks I'm a snob.

Uh, lisa, come on. You get inside here.

I think the heat's got you.

Oh, no, darling.

I talked to rudolph Before the heat got me.

What are you doing?

Giving him his breakfast.

Lisa, that's water!

Well, that's the Only thing he eats.

You're wasting water On a stupid sunflower?

Well, that's a nice thing to say

After he went to all the trouble

To grow out here.

I didn't ask rudolph to gr...

Or, him to grow... it to grow out here!

Lisa, if you want To water something,

I've got acres of corn Out there crying for water.

Well, why don't you Go and water them?

There's no water.

We haven't had rain for 86 days.

If you let me water Rudolph every day,

We can have all The rain we want.

What?

There is a story in The old country...

If a sunflower grows Outside your back door,

And you water him every day,

You can ask him one favor,

And he has to grant it.

Otherwise, he's out Of the sunflowers.

Lisa, you go on in the house.

Here, give me That. Put a hat on.

Something to keep the heat off.

Silly stories. Where does she...

Rudolph, uh...

There he was, talking To this sunflower,

Pleadin' with him To make it rain.

Pleading with a sunflower?

Yes, sir. I told you

It wasn't gonna Make you look good.

Your honor, I Object. I fail to see

What this testimony Has to do with the case.

Your honor, I'm Just trying to show

That at the time my Client made it rain,

Mr. Douglas was in no Fit condition to judge

Whether my client Made it rain or not.

To put it in legal terms,

He was non compos in his mentis.

The compos of my Mentis is not on trial.

I mean, whether or Not I'm compos is, uh...

It's irrelevant!

I move that I be stricken From the record.

No, the remarks, that is... Of.

Mr. Douglas, if you'd like Me to declare a recess...

No, thank you, your honor.

Have you any more Questions for this witness?

No, your honor. He's all yours.

No questions.

I have one...

Am I still workin' for you?

Step down.

Bailiff...

Would you call The next witness...

Hank kimball?

Hank kimball, please Take the stand.

Hank kimball.

Is hank kimball in the court?

Oh, that's me, your bailiff.

Uh, your honor.

Will you please come forward?

Yes, sir.

Oh, want a half

Of a peanut butter And jelly sandwich?

Mr. Kimball, take the stand.

Oh, yes, sir.

Raise your right hand.

Oh, it's full of peanut Butter and jelly.

Just raise it.

Do you swear to tell the Truth, the whole truth,

And nothing but the truth?

Well... Would you Mind repeating that?

Mr. Kimball.

Your honor, I don't want To swear to something

That I'm not sure What I'm swearing to.

All you're doing is Swearing to tell the truth.

I always tell the truth.

Well, not always.

There was this one time

When I came home Late for dinner,

And my mother asked me if...

Just say "I do"!

I do.

Uh, mr. Kimball,

You are a county agent?

I do.

That ain't a proper answer.

Well, don't tell Me. Tell the judge.

He told me to Say "I do", and I did.

That is, I did "I do."

Mr. Kimball, as a county agent,

It is your job to Advise the farmers

In this here locality

On any farmin' problems.

It is? Oh, heh.

Yes, I guess you could say that.

Oh, you did say that.

Could you stick to The pertinent facts?

Yes, sir.

What are they?

Has mr. Douglas ever come to you

With a farming problem?

Objection. My problems Are not relevant in this case.

I beg to differ, your honor.

What I am leadin' up To is whether or not

You came to Mr. Kimball to get advice

On how to Artificially induce rain.

I admit that I did.

Did what?

Came to you.

Oh, that.

Yes, mr. Douglas Came to me to find out

If he could Artificially induce rain,

And I told him he could... By seeding the clouds.

Was this method used?

No, sir. Why not?

Well, we had Everything but the cloud.

There was no cloud? No, sir.

And without clouds, There can be no rain.

Well...

And yet, my client mr. Haney

Made it rain without clouds.

Objection.

It has not been proven That he made it rain.

We're gonna prove That, your honor.

Well, I wish you'd Hurry up, diller.

I'm gettin' hungry.

Well, why don't we Go over to the saloon

And have a sandwich?

Court is recessed For one hour for lunch.

Mr. Haney...

Now, I want you to tell the...

You've got some mustard On your chin, diller.

I want you to tell the Court in your own words

The events leading Up to this $350 lawsuit.

And remember you're under oath.

Mr. Douglas, that's An unkind remark.

In all of my dealings with you,

Have you ever known Me to be anything

But the soul of honesty?

As a matter of fact, I have.

Well, that's not why we're here.

Now, concernin' this Big drought-bustin' rain,

Which mr. Douglas Contracted for,

But never paid for...

Objection.

Sustained.

Would you let me run the court?

I apologize, your honor.

Very well.

Oh, you've got a little ketchup

On your cheek.

Well, sir,

It was the 78th day Of the drought,

And mr. Douglas was In a desperate mood.

In fact, he had A hari-kari knife

In his hand.

This not a hari-kari thing.

I was just cutting Some of the dead weeds.

I noticed your Corn as I drove in.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. What Happened to it?

What happened?

It hasn't rained for 78 days.

Where?

Here.

You haven't had any rain here?

No, we haven't.

It pour over at My place last night.

Oh, come on.

That's why I come over...

To borrow your life preserver

For my wife.

She's afraid to go Down in the cellar.

The water's over her head.

How come it just Rained at your place?

Don't you know?

Know what?

I got a rainmakin' machine.

Ohh! There isn't any such thing.

How.

Where's the, uh, Rainmaking machine?

You're lookin' at it. Chief thundercloud.

The last of the Great rainmakers.

Ohh. You're not gonna get...

Careful. Don't get him riled up,

Or he'll float this farm Right out of the state.

Maybe out of country, too.

Me make heap big Water anytime I want.

Not yet, chief. We Haven't made a deal.

And you're not going to.

Mr. Douglas, Before you say no...

I've already said no.

Uh, before you say it again,

Let me ask you... Are you familiar

With the sayin', "Dancing up a storm"?

I am.

Then let me show You a few samples

Of the chief's handiwork.

Here is a specimen

Collected from a cloudburst

Drummed up by the chief In milltown, montana.

For that, they make Me honorary paleface.

Say, that's quite an honor.

You speak a big mouthful.

And this is a 3-hour downpour

Drummed up by the chief

On the outskirts of modesto

While on his way to A drought in kansas.

Any kind of storm You want, you name it,

And the chief will produce it.

For $100, he will Make enough rain

To save all of your crops.

And, as a special Introductory offer,

He'll throw in a rainbow

At the end of the storm.

Uh-huh.

Out.

Out!

Very well. But, mr. Douglas,

In a couple of days,

You'll come beggin' To me on your knees.

How.

Mr. Douglas wasn't Interested in your offer?

Mr. Douglas wasn't Interested in your offer?

Not right then.

But as the days passed,

Things got worse.

Creeks dried up,

And the riverbeds didn't have

A trickle of water in 'em.

The reservoir was empty,

And just as I predicted,

Mr. Douglas came begging to me

On his knees.

Off your knees, mr. Douglas.

You don't have to beg.

I'm not begging. I'm Fixing the tractor.

Don't seem much point.

Couple of more dry days,

And there won't be Nothin' left to tractor.

It seems a shame, When you could have

All the water you need danced up

For a poultry $100.

$150.

Oh, the price has gone up.

The drier it gets, the Harder he's gotta work.

Look, I tell you what I'll do...

I'll make you a Sporting proposition.

Double or nothing.

If he makes it rain, $300.

Nothing if he doesn't.

350.

350?!

You no take advantage Of introductory offer.

Rainbow no longer free.

All right. 350.

Oh! Hold it! Hold it.

We don't want you to get wet.

There's no sense in Ruining a good outfit.

Thank you, thank you.

Uh, that'll be 25 Cents rental fee.

Twenty-fi...

I'll take the chance.

Come on, get on with it!

Ok, chief.

Any time now.

Keep it up, chief.

I think I felt a Couple of drops.

What did he say?

Uh, he wants to know

If he can have a glass of water.

A gla...

Out! Out! Mr. Douglas...

Get out! And take Sitting bull with you.

He threw you and The chief out, eh?

Yes, sir.

Your honor, I move For a dismissal.

We've heard the Plaintiff testify

That his so-called Rainmaker failed to make rain.

Diller, I'm afraid Mr. Douglas is right.

All you proved is...

I have one more Witness, your honor.

Call chief thundercloud To the stand.

After mr. Douglas threw You and mr. Haney out,

What happened?

Mr. Haney, he throw me out.

Then what did you do?

Me try to go back To reservation,

But because they make Me honorary paleface

In milltown, montana,

Indians don't let me in.

Where did you go then?

Me can't getum job as rainmaker

Because haney take my drum.

So, me walk around,

Look for job.

Me come to house, knock on door,

Pretty squaw come out.

Hello, there. How.

How? Oh, I'm mrs. Douglas.

There's no how here.

"How" indian word For "Hello, there."

Oh. How.

Hello, there.

What can I do for you?

Me broke. Me needum job.

Aww. Well, look around,

And anything that Needs doing, you do it.

Me do good job.

Who was that?

An indian man.

Did he have a drum?

No, just a hat Feather sticking in.

Oh. What'd he want?

He needed some Work, so I told him

To find something to do.

Like what?

I don't know.

He, cut that out!

Hey, what do you Think you're doing?

Don't you know there's A water shortage on?

Me washum car.

But you don't washum car During a water shortage,

You shilly shioux... Sioux!

Lisa! Lisa!

Lisa! It's raining!

It's raining! Lisa!

And as soon as you started Chanting and dancing,

It started to rain.

You just not Beatum your tom-tom.

Step down.

That's the plantiff's case.

Mr. Douglas?

Your honor, the plaintiff Claims that it was because

Of chief thundercloud's Rain dance that it rained.

I claim that it was the Act of washing the car

That caused it to rain.

Everybody knows that the Minute you wash your car,

It rains!

I think that $350 Is a little too much

For me to pay to Have my car washed.

Mr. Douglas, are you claiming

That washing your Car made it rain?

Well, not really, your honor,

But it makes as much Sense as a tired indian

Beating a tom-tom.

It certainly does.

Case dismissed.

Diller, save us a Table at the saloon.

Oh, good morning, rudolph.

You don't say good Morning to me?

Oh, yes. Good morning.

Rudolph, we have Plenty of water now,

So you can have all You want to drink.

Still watering rudolph, huh?

Why not? He Certainly deserves it

After he made all that rain.

Oh? He made it rain?

Yes, don't you remember When I told you?

If you water a Sunflower every day

And you ask him nice For water, he'll do it.

So I watered him every day

And asked him nice, And he didded it.

Uh-huh. When did you do that?

When you were outside Yelling at the indian

For washing your car.

Lisa, please.

You don't believe it?

A little water, please, rudolph,

For the unbeliever.

All right. Come on.

Where is it?

Eb, turn off that water!

Talk to rudolph.

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