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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Oliver! Oliver!

What do you want?

Breakfast is ready!

Huh? What are we having?

Something new I Cooked. It's a surprise.

A surprise?

Ooh!

And where are you going?

Uh, oh, I was just...

Shneaking out?

I wasn't shneak... Sneaking out.

This way is shneaking. That way is breakfast.

I was going to call eb.

I call him. Eb!

Yes, ma'am?

Breakfast is ready!

What are we having?

Something new I cooked.

Uh-oh.

I'll be there in a few minutes!

Pray, tell me where Are you shneaking to?

I was sneaking...

I was gonna call mr. Douglas.

It's too late. I Already caught him.

Oh.

The kitchen is that way.

Mrs. Douglas, look!

Oh, alice!

Darling, look! Isn't this a miracle?

Depends on who laid it.

Alice!

Then it's no miracle.

But it is.

It's the first egg She laid in a week.

I didn't know that.

We kept it from you.

We didn't want to worry you.

I don't think I'd Have been worried.

Why, that's nice...

After the way she Worried about you

When you were sick.

Oh, I appreciate that.

I bet you never thanked her

For the get well Card she sent you.

Alice. Look how happy she is.

For a whole week, She was very worried.

Every day of her Life she laid an egg,

Then all of the sudden,

Somebody pulled the Rug out from under her.

What was wrong with her?

Her egg maker was on the blink.

Her egg maker?

Yes. Hers wasn't making it,

So we took her to dr. Stuart.

Dr. Stuart?

We'd have told you, but We didn't want to worry you.

I wouldn't have worried.

She worried about You when you were sick.

Yes, I know. She sent Me a get well card.

You ever thank her?

Oh, eb.

Darling, don't yell at eb.

He's the one who saved alice.

I thought you said Doc stuart saved her.

He gave her up, but eb Fixed alice's egg maker

So it was making again.

How did you do that?

I'm sorry, but it ain't ethical

For a doctor to discuss A patient's problems

With an outsider.

That happens to be my chicken.

Oh, well, in that case,

I guess it would be all right

With the american Medical association.

I'm sure that it would.

All I did was change her diet.

I took her off hotcakes.

Lisa, you haven't been Feeding that chicken hotcakes.

Yes.

Well, no wonder her egg Maker went on the blink.

Well, don't worry. We Won't have it anymore.

No. No more hotcakes.

No.

Hear, hear.

Uh, don't get carried away

Until you find out what We're going to have instead.

There you are...

Your instead-of-hotcakes.

What is it? Guess.

Uh, the hubcap of a 1929 essex.

I don't know how to make those.

Well, then I'm stuck.

It's an italian pancake.

An italian...

You probably know it By its american name...

A pizza.

A pizza?

I scraped off the anchovies And the mushrooms.

That's the dinner part.

Unless, of course, You want the anchovies

And the mushrooms for breakfast,

And then you can have The pancake for dinner.

Lisa...

I'd rather we just Went back to hotcakes.

And ruin alice's egg maker?

Lisa, nobody eats anything Like this for breakfast.

Oh, boy, my Favorite breakfast...

Scraped pizza.

Yum yum.

Oh, don't worry. I'll fix.

Here's another One for you, darling.

I don't think that...

I'll get it. I'll get it!

But what about Your italian pancake?

Sweetheart, you Glue the anchovies

And the mushrooms back on it,

And I'll it for Columbus day breakfast.

I don't think they can hear us.

You'd better wheel Arnold around to the back.

You wheel him Around to the back.

I wheeled him all The way over here.

Oh, ain't that a fine thing?

Here we are on an Errand of mercy,

And you keeping account about Who's wheeling what where.

Well, my back has Just about had it.

Oh, mr. Ziffel. What... What do you have here?

Hello, mr. Douglas. I'm Sorry to disturb you,

But we got a mighty Sick pig on our hands.

Oh.

Uh, you know doris?

Fred, will you stop

Lumping me in with your pig?

Oh, mr. Ziffel, mrs. Ziffel.

Is something wrong?

Arnold's sick.

Oh, the poor thing.

Aw, he's been shivering And shaking that way

All night long.

Just like his pappy Did before he moved on

To that big pigpen in the sky.

Yeah, but it ain't going To happen to arnold.

Where's eb?

Inside, finishing His scraped pizza.

You see? They have 'em for breakfast,

And they're from new york.

Well, I don't care Where they're from.

We need eb to Make arnold better.

Eb? What about doc stuart?

Well, we'd rather have eb.

Would you mind calling him?

Eb?

You know, eb fixed arnold up.

He's pretty good with pigs.

Well, if it is his egg maker,

Eb can fix it.

His what?

Honey, pigs don't Have egg makers.

Yes, sir?

Oh, eb, take a look At arnold, will you?

How long's he been shaking And shivering this way?

All night long.

He's got a hot snoot.

He been suffering From lassitudenessness?

He's been lassitudenessing All over the place.

Aha. It's the shim shams.

What's that?

I ain't got no time for Medical explanations.

Somebody boil some hot water.

I'll do it.

You get a pail. Right away.

Mr. Ziffel, you Run into drucker's

And get a bottle of Sawyer's soothing syrup.

I'm on my way.

Mr. Douglas, you wheel The patient into the barn.

Yeah, I'll get him into the...

What are you Talking about? In the...

I got to keep sterile.

Saved arnold's life, huh?

I guess so.

You guess so?

Mr. And mrs. Ziffel said

That eb saved arnold

From going to the Big playpen in the sky.

Pigpen in the sky.

Well, wherever he didn't go,

The ziffels were very happy.

Oh, that eb.

He's sure got a Way with animals.

Doc stuart always said He should've been a vet.

A vet vot?

A veterinarian.

Oh, that kind of a vet vot.

Well, if he'd make Such a good one,

Why isn't he?

He has to go to college.

Why?

To be a veterinarian,

You've got to have a diploma.

Just like a doctor That treats people.

Oh, well, people's Doctor I can understand,

Because people go to the office

And look at the diploma,

But animals never.

Well...

Wait until you hear The next part of it.

When eb fixed up alice,

She didn't look for his diploma,

And neither did arnold When eb saved him

From the shiver Shake shim shams.

Well...

I don't think she's finished.

Now, if eb needs a diploma,

He should go to college,

So he can become a vegetarian.

Uh, I think he'd rather Become a veterinarian.

Well, whatever. Why doesn't he?

I don't think he can afford to.

Well, if he can't, I know who can.

Why should we Send eb to college?

What would have happened

If your father had Said that to you?

He didn't.

Well, that proves it.

Proves what?

Your father was Nicer than you are.

College can be pretty expensive.

How expensive?

Mink coat expensive Or sable coat expensive?

Mink.

Well, then why don't we Send eb to college instead?

Instead of what?

You buying me a mink coat.

I wasn't going to Buy you a mink coat.

Well, then you Certainly can afford

To send eb to college.

Lisa...

Although if I go to Visit eb in college,

It wouldn't be Nice if I would go

Without a mink coat.

He wouldn't mind.

Did your mother ever Visit you at harvard

Without a mink coat?

Many times.

I guess it didn't matter

Who your mother Was in those days.

No. The standards Were much lower.

What are we talking about?

About the kind of a mink Coat you're going to buy me

When I visit eb in college.

If eb goes to college,

You're not going To get a mink coat.

How about a mink stole? No.

Earmuffs? No.

Finger warmer? Nothing.

I hope eb appreciates The sacrifice I made

To send him to college.

Lisa, we don't even know

If he wants to go to college.

Send me to college?

Oh! Ooh!

Watch what you're doing.

You want me to Kiss it, mr. Douglas?

No! Let it alone.

I'm sorry. It's just That I got so excited.

Do you really mean it?

Yeah. We've been Thinking about it.

Gosh, nobody's ever done Anything like this for me.

Well, eb...

Nobody. Nobody!

I repeat... Nobody has Ever done anything

Like this for me before.

Yeah, I think I can Understand why!

I'll pay you back, Mr. Douglas... Every penny.

No.

I insist.

Just keep accurate records...

Not like the ones you keep For the income tax department.

Eb...

Eb, did my husband tell you?

Yes, he did,

And I want to thank you For what you're doing.

Like I was telling mr. Douglas,

Nobody has ever done anything

Like this for me before...

Nobody. Nobody!

Well, we are very glad to do it.

We never had a boy to Send to college before.

I'll make you proud of me, mom.

You, too, dad.

Eb, we're just sending You to college.

We're not adopting you.

Why don't we?

Yes, why don't we?

If I'm your son,

Then I won't have to pay You back for sending me.

Oliver, you told Him to pay us back?

He suggested it himself.

Oh, well, eb, you don't Have to pay us back.

Thanks. Now, my Next question is...

How do I get to harvard?

Well, you... Harvard?

Well, if it was good Enough for you,

It's good enough for him.

Lisa, he's not going to harvard.

If he's not going to harvard,

He's not going to college.

Mrs. Douglas, I Don't care where I go.

You stay out of this.

This is between Your father and me.

I'm not his father.

You sure know how to hurt a guy.

No, no, I didn't Mean to hurt you.

I'm trying to help you.

I mean, surely there must be

Some local college around here

Where you can study Veterinary medicine.

I guess there is.

Why don't you ask mr. Kimball?

Ah, mr. Kimball.

Mr. Douglas, come in, come in.

Thank you. Don't Let me interrupt you.

No, no, no. I'm all finished.

Care for a cup of coffee?

No. No, thank you.

I always make Coffee in a test tube.

It's more scientific.

Well, it's not Scientific. It's...

How about some scientific tea?

No, no, I...

Scientific hot chocolate?

Nothing, nothing.

Say, this is the first time

You ever been up to my office.

Let me show you around.

That's a lab table. Ha ha.

Oh?

That's a desk...

And that's a cabbage.

You can tell it's A cabbage by...

I know how to Tell it's a cabbage.

Hey, you're really Learning that farming game.

Mr. Kimball,

I came up here to find Out about a college

Where you could learn To be a veterinarian.

Mr. Douglas, just because You recognize a cabbage

Doesn't mean you're Qualified to be a vet.

I'm not talking about Myself. I'm talking about eb.

Oh, eb would make a fine vet.

He's kind, intelligent, and...

Eb who?

The boy who works for me.

Oh. He'd make a fine vet, too.

Well, mr. Kimball,

Are there any good Local colleges?

How about the one I went to?

Are there any others?

Well, there's...

Oh. Ha ha ha. That Was a joke, huh?

Ha ha ha. No, I don't Think that was a joke.

Mr. Kimball, about The colleges...

Oh, there's a county College at the county seat.

It has a fine school Of veterinary medicine

And a good agricultural school.

Has one of the finest humus Departments in the country.

Humus?

Oh, that was my major.

I took 4 years of it...

Elementary humus, Intermediate humus,

And advanced humus.

I got straight a's in humus.

Say, that's very nice.

Yeah. I would've Made phi beta kappa,

But I flunked compost 2.

Mr. Kimball, would you recommend

County college for eb?

County college, they...

Yes. Did you say eb was going?

I thought you understood that.

Oh, I do. No, I don't.

I thought eb Couldn't afford to go.

Well, we're thinking Of sending him.

Mr. Douglas...

That's a nice thing.

No, not nice... Unselfish.

No, not unselfish... Magnanimous.

Yes, that's the Word... Magnanimous.

That is a word. I Didn't make it up.

I didn't think you did. Well, thank you very much.

Oh, oh, if eb decides To go to college,

Tell him I'll be very Happy to help him

With his humus homework.

Well, that's very Magnanimous of you.

Wish he'd use his own words.

County college!

Yeah, that's right, eb.

Kimball says it's a good school.

Then it's all settled.

What about his Clothes for college?

What's wrong with these?

Oh, no. You'll need a suit.

Darling, should we Send him to new york

To your tailor,

Or should we fly Your tailor here?

Lisa, eb doesn't need A tailor-made suit.

Yeah, I can buy a Fancy suit in pixley

With a vest and 2 pair of pants.

How much? 8.95.

8.95?

If that's too much,

I can go to one of The cheaper stores.

You know, the Kind that don't have

The nra eagle on the window.

And while you're there, eb,

Get some socks, shoes, Shirt, and a mink coat.

Lisa.

Eb, get whatever you need.

Mr. Haney, what... What...

Mr. Douglas, I wonder If you can help me.

Do you happen to have

Any raccoon coat rejuvenator?

Any what?

I'd hate to send a Boy off to college

In a unrejuvenated raccoon coat.

What boy?

A young feller over At crabwell corners.

His father ordered him

This complete college kit...

Stutz bearcat, raccoon coat,

Ukulele ike ukulele,

And this genuine Elliot ness hip flask

Filled with non-alcoholic Dandelion wine.

Oh, that lucky, lucky boy.

I'm just delivering it to him.

Oh, secuse me... The telephone.

I didn't hear a phone ring.

Well, these mobile units

All come with supersonic rings

Heard only by the subscriber.

Hello. Haney here.

What?

Oh, well, all right.

How do you like that?

Feller just canceled Out his order

For this complete college kit.

And now you're stuck with it.

Yeah, I guess I am,

Unless I can find somebody

That's sending a boy to college.

Mr. Haney, I got To give you credit.

I knew you were going To get around to me,

But I couldn't figure out how.

Are you sending A boy to college?

I am.

I'm probably too late.

A generous man like you,

He must've already Bought him his college kit.

No, I haven't.

Then this is my lucky day.

No, it isn't.

Mr. Douglas, are you going To send a boy to college

Without a stutz bearcat

And a raccoon coat?

I'm afraid I am.

At least he ought to have

This official instruction book

For singing like betty boop.

Betty...

♪ boop boop be-doop, boop ♪

No.

How about an autographed picture

Of gilda grey for His gym locker?

Uh, I've bought him Everything he needs.

Of course you got him

A genuine rudy vallee stein

With the words to The maine stein song

Etched on the bottom.

No.

Mr. Douglas,

You're sending This boy to college

Without any statius symbols.

He'll just have to suffer.

Well, I'm not going to let him.

At least I can give him this

Free of charge.

What's that?

15 yards of catgut

For restringing His tennis racket.

He doesn't have a tennis racket.

He doesn't have a tennis racket?

How would you like to buy

This genuine bill Tilden smasher?

Mr. Haney, how would you like me

To dent your hip flask?

Ok, mr. Douglas.

Mmm. Something smells good.

What are you cooking?

Pizza insides.

Oh, you still had some Scrapings left, huh?

Well, I didn't Want to waste any.

Oh, that wouldn't Have bothered me.

Uh, where's eb?

Inside, packing for college.

Oh.

He's leaving in the morning.

Yeah.

Are you going to cry?

No.

Well, I am.

Why?

Well, I think he expects it.

Oh, lisa.

I think you ought to cry, too.

Believe me, it is not necessary.

Well, at least blow Your nose a few times,

Just so that he knows That you'll miss him.

If I have a handkerchief.

Eb: mr. Douglas, mrs. Douglas are you ready?

For what?

I've got my new suit on.

Oh, well, come in.

Close your eyes.

Come on in.

How do you like it?

I should've closed my eyes.

You look very nice, eb.

You'd never guess this was Store-bought, would you?

The salesman said this is what

All the fellers wear at harvard.

Come on, eb. Sit down.

Yes, ma'am.

I suppose you Want to talk to me.

What about?

Whatever an older man Talks to a younger man about

At a time like this.

Oh, I've got nothing To say to you

Except just take Care of yourself.

You know, work Hard, get good marks.

You don't want to Touch on girls, huh?

Eb...

If you want to know Anything about girls,

You better talk to Me. I used to be one.

What about them?

Now, the most important Thing to remember

Is never let a girl Kiss you good night

On your first date.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, that'll give you a Real bad reputation.

Eb, all you have to remember

Is that there are All kinds of girls.

Some are, uh...

And others are, uh...

And... Ahem.

Have you finished packing?

Yes, sir. What about the others?

Uh...

Eb, if you got any problems,

Discuss them with Your counselor.

Gosh, mr. Douglas,

I always knew there Were facts of life,

But this is the first time

Anybody ever Explained them to me.

Well, I'm glad I had The opportunity.

You sure must've had a lot Of experience with women.

You did?

Uh, he said it, I didn't.

Well, you must've Had quite a reputation

If he heard it all The way out to here.

He didn't hear anything.

He just made a Statement. Eb, why do you...

You always said I Was the only woman

You ever knew.

Well, you were.

I was?

Yes.

All the other women Didn't mean anything?

No.

Then there were other women.

Uh, yes, there were...

My mother, my sister, my aunt.

Relatives don't count.

Oh, for the love of pete, honey.

Anybody interested in the fact

That I'm leaving tomorrow?

Oh, eb, I am so sorry. Yes, yes.

I sure am going To miss you folks.

Well, we're going to miss you.

Yes, we are.

I'll write to you.

Oh, that will be very nice.

Will you write to me?

Yes.

What about?

Why don't you go finish packing?

Yes, sir.

Mr. Douglas, mrs. Douglas,

I just want you to Know that nobody,

But absolutely nobody...

Finish packing!

Yes, sir.

Oliver.

Hmm?

What time is it?

A little after 3:00.

I miss him.

Who?

Eb. He left this Morning for college

8 hours ago.

10.

You counting?

Well...

You miss him, too.

It's kind of lonely around here.

Why don't we go up to College and visit him?

It's his first day.

Well, when are we Going to see him?

Eb: turn around.

Hello, folks. I'm Home from college.

You just got there this morning.

I know. Boy, that's A tough school.

I flunked one question On the entrance exam,

And they threw me out.

One question? What was it?

"What high school did You graduate from?"

You mean you didn't finish...

No, sir.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Why didn't you say something?

I didn't think it was important.

Well, of course it's important.

How do you expect to go...

I guess I'll have to Give back the suit.

Oh, no, keep it.

And the socks and the shirts?

They're yours.

And the stutz bearcat?

What stutz bearcat?

What is a stutz bearcat?

It's an automobile.

You bought eb an automobile,

And you didn't Buy me a mink coat?

No, I didn't buy Him an automobile.

Well, you didn't buy Me a mink coat, either.

Gosh, it's good to be home,

Watching mom and dad fight.

Will you change your Clothes and get back to work?

Yes, sir.

Oh, that poor boy...

Thrown out of college

Just because he didn't Graduate from high school.

Oliver, tell me.

Where did we fail?

Where did...

It's not our fault.

It's always the parents' fault.

Your mother told me that.

She took the blame for The way you turned out.

What's the matter with The way I turned out?

Well, you always put Your arms around girls,

Kissing them.

Now, you're the only Girl I ever do that to.

Well, as long as I am here,

Go ahead. Be a big failure.

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