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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Oliver.

Hmm?

You reading? Mm-hmm.

Can I ask you a question?

Mm-hmm.

You'll give me an honest answer?

Yes.

You won't get mad?

What's the question?

Do you believe in birthdays?

That's the question?

Yes. What's the answer?

Yes, I believe in birthdays.

One more question.

Now what?

Do you know whose Birthday it is next tuesday?

George washington.

Who?

Well, I'll give you A hint... It's yours.

Mine? You guessed.

Pure luck.

Are you going to be available

For the surprise party I'm going to give you?

Lisa, if I know about it, It's not a surprise party.

Well, if you don't Know about it,

How do I know that You're going to be there?

I'll be there.

Could I read my book now?

One more question.

Yes?

What do you want For your birthday?

Anything.

How about a new girdle?

Yes, I'd like a...

A girdle?

I just wanted to see if You pay any attention.

I'm paying attention.

Oliver?

Do you want to give me Something I really want?

What?

3 months of silence, Starting now.

Boy, what a grouch. That's what I get

For marrying a man 68 Years older than I am.

Push the choke in, mr. Douglas.

It is in.

Then pull it out.

That should've been Tied to somethin'.

Try it again.

I got the horn goin'.

Yeah, well, stop it!

How?

Pull the wire.

That did it.

Oh, eb, will you...

You got plenty of gas.

Oil pressure's all right.

And you're flyin' At 60,000 feet.

Please, please.

Oh, this is why it won't start.

The battery cable is dis...

Aah!

Why, you miserable, Stupid tractor!

It don't like to Be called names.

I'll call it anything I want!

Oh!

It struck again.

You got its magneto In an uproar.

Oh, eb, stop this ridiculous...

Oh!

It don't like you to Yell at me, either.

It's my friend.

Darling.

Darling, can I talk To you privately?

Look, well, I'm...

Well, it's terribly important.

Eb, will you excuse us, please?

Sure, I can take a hint.

I know when I ain't wanted.

You don't have to Hit me over the head

With a sledgehammer.

Eb, you're puttin' Ideas into my head.

I'm goin'. Then go!

Now, what was it you Wanted to talk about?

Oh, darling, what Size shirt do you wear?

Did you come out here To talk to me about that?

Well, I want to get It for your birthday,

And I don't want Eb to know about it.

Otherwise, he Won't be surprised.

It's the only thing I could figure out

Unless you tell Me what you want.

Lisa, I'm having trouble enough

With this darned tractor.

Uh-huh...

What does that "Uh-huh" mean?

Oh... Well, it's a surprise.

Excuse me.

May I help you, ma'am?

Yes. Are you mr. Gruber,

Pixley's only honest Tractor dealer?

No, ma'am. My name's johnson.

I'm his assistant.

I would like to buy a tractor.

A tractor?

For yourself? No.

May I ask who it's for?

Well, you could ask, but I'm not going to tell you.

It's a surprise.

A surprise?

It's for his birthday.

Oh, a birthday present.

Who told you?

Well, you said...

How large a one should I get?

How big is his farm?

Who said he's got a farm?

Well, I just assumed If you're buying a...

You are going to Spoil the surprise.

This is a cute one.

Uh, wouldn't you rather Wait for mr. Gruber?

He'll be back later.

Where did he go?

He took his wife To the hospital.

She's expecting a baby.

Oh! A boy or a girl?

Well, it hasn't been born yet.

Well, when it is,

He'll be pretty surprised.

Well, no. Mr. Gruber...

No, no. I mean the Baby will be surprised

If he is a boy.

Lady,

We usually close for Lunch about this time...

It won't take long. All I want to do

Is buy one tractor.

Oh, that's a pretty one.

With a little house on the top.

That's model 6000.

395 horsepower, it develops.

It can pull a 26-foot disc harrow,

And 20-foot-wide chisel plow,

And 3 press drills.

Does it have stereo?

Uh... Stereo?

You know, the Little tape you put in,

And the music comes Out from each wheel.

No.

Oh, how about air conditioning?

One of the features Of this model

Is the new suspension system

That includes

A torsion bar draft control.

Is this the only Color it comes in?

Uh, yes.

They don't give you Much choice, do they?

Uh, no, ma'am.

Well, if he doesn't Like the color,

Can he exchange it?

No, I'm afraid not.

Well...

All right, I'll take it.

Oh, fine. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And wrap it up as a gift.

A gift? Well, it's A little big to...

We can put a bow on it.

What color?

Any color you want.

Well, why can't I get a tractor

Any color I want?

Bows are, uh...

Why don't I just Call mr. Gruber?

He's probably just Pacing up and down

In the fathers' waiting room.

No, no, no, never mind. Just put on a blue bow.

The fellow I'm Sending it to is a boy.

Well, I'll do what I can.

And would you Put a big card on it

Saying "Happy birthday"?

Uh, from who? A friend.

Well, he'll know who it is.

He doesn't have too many.

Well, yes, ma'am.

Oh, where do you Want it delivered?

Well, I don't want him to see it

Because he might Guess what it is,

So send it to mr. Ziffel.

He's our neighbor. Ziffel?

Yes. Z-I-effel-effel-e-l.

Ziffel.

Come on, doris.

I'm walkin' as fast as I can.

The least you could do

Is help me carry These groceries.

I'll help you eat' em. Ain't that enough?

Fred, open the door!

What's the matter?

Where'd that come from?

Where'd what...

All right, fred.

Why'd you buy the tractor?

I didn't buy it.

Oh, I suppose they just

Delivered it here for fun.

I don't know nothin' about it.

Ah. What's this?

"Happy birthday."

Ohh, doris.

You didn't forget.

What?

You're a livin' doll,

Buyin' this tractor for me.

Are you off your rocker?

You finally done somethin' nice.

Now, don't be ashamed of it.

I didn't buy it.

Oh, now, you ain't foolin' me.

There it is right there, As plain as can be.

"Happy birthday from a friend."

I'm not your Friend, I'm your wife.

I didn't buy it.

Well, whoever did Sure has good taste.

Ain't it a beaut?

Fred, I wonder who sent it.

Oh, doris, somebody's Bound to stop me and ask me

How I liked the Tractor they sent me.

I don't think...

Ah ha ha ha!

Well, mr. Ziffel, Where did you get this?

Well, mr. Douglas, It was just delivered.

Come on up and take a look.

Say, this has everything.

Oh, man, yes. Power steerin',

Disc brakes, air conditionin'.

Air conditioning?

Oh, blow your hat Right off on a hot day.

And that ain't all. You know what that is?

What?

That's a stereo tape player.

Stereo?

Yeah, music comes Out of every wheel!

Well!

Yeah, and get a load of this.

Fred ziffel, callin' doris.

Come in, doris.

Doris over radio: hi, Fred. This is doris.

How did mr. Douglas like it?

It's beautiful, mrs. Ziffel!

Hey, mr. Douglas,

You sound pretty Good on the radio.

Wait a minute.

What did you say, mrs. Ziffel?

That was arnold broadcasting.

Say hello to him.

Hello, arnold!

Arnold wants to Talk to his father.

It's for you, dad.

Oh.

Hello, arnold.

Yeah, yeah, you can Watch television.

Arnold, that ain't right.

When I tell you you Can't do somethin',

Don't ask your father!

Come in, fred.

I'm goin' over to ben miller's.

Well, drive careful.

Don't tell me how to drive.

Just over and out me.

Over and out, you big...

Ohh. What an engine.

Mr. Douglas, I'd appreciate it

If you wouldn't get No finger marks on it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I sure envy you, mr. Ziffel.

I'd like to have a Tractor like this,

But I imagine they're Pretty expensive.

Yeah, I imagine they are.

Well, be seein' you.

Now, there's a tractor.

Why, you miserable...

Oliver!

Oliver: I'm in here!

Hello, darling.

Where have you been?

If I told you, you'd know.

I wouldn't ask if I Didn't want to know.

You're interested In what I'm doing?

Yes. You missed me?

No. I want to take a shower,

And I need someone To turn the water on.

That's all I am to you... A water-turner-onner.

Oh, no. You're much More than that.

I am? Yes.

You're also my Water-turner-offer.

Well, if that's your aptitude,

I'm sorry I did what I did

Because what I did I Did because I thought

You'd appreciate what I did.

Uh-huh. Well, will You turn the water on?

I've been workin' on That tractor all day.

I'm filthy.

Did you get it fixed?

No. Good.

What do you mean, good?

I have a feeling.

Will you turn the water on?

Hello, mr. Douglas! I got the stereo on!

Oh, it sounds marv...

Hey!

That's cold!

Hey! Hey! The hot! Turn on the hot!

Ooh.

What was all that noise?

The whole house was shaking.

Mr. Ziffel just went By in his new tractor.

His new tractor?!

Yeah, he's been goin' All around the valley

Showing it off. It's a beauty.

2-way radio,

Air conditioned Cab, stereo tapes.

What color? Blue!

Good-bye.

Wait. Hey, wait, Turn the water on!

Lisa, tu...

You still got it, fred.

Honey, once a man's got it,

He never loses it.

Doris... Are you game?

Oh, all right, fred. You can dip me.

But don't drop me.

Oh, hello, mrs. Douglas.

We were just dancin' To the tractor.

Well, you dance beautifully.

Yeah, we used to Give exhibitions

At all the livestock shows.

Mrs. Ziffel,

I came over to talk to You about the tractor.

Oh, yeah. Ain't it a jim dandy?

Yes. Well, uh, mr. Ziffel,

What I want to find Out... When it arrived,

Did it have a bow On it and a big card

Saying "Happy Birthday from a friend"?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, I am the friend.

Mrs. Douglas!

Well, I'll be doggoned.

You see? I told you

That whoever gave it to us

Is gonna tell me about it.

You know, you and Mr. Douglas are real folks.

Well, mr. Douglas didn't have

Anything to do With it. I bought it.

You? Well, how did you know

What kind I wanted?

You see, next week is My husband's birthday.

What are you gettin' for him?

That's none of our business.

Mrs. Douglas,

I don't know how to thank you.

Well, mr. Ziffel, Don't thank me.

You see, because...

Because you've got a big heart.

No, mr. Ziffel.

Mrs. Douglas, You're a kind woman.

Oh, no, no.

You certainly are.

You don't know how I've longed

For somethin' like this.

Now I won't have to Walk behind a plow

In the hot sun.

Why, you've added 10 years to my life.

You're a wonderful woman.

Yeah. They say city Folks don't care

About their neighbors, But you sure do.

Oh, but...

Yeah, you may be city,

But, heh, you're all country.

Oh, well.

Mrs. Douglas, I thank you.

I thank you for makin' this

The best birthday I ever had.

Happy birthday, mr. Ziffel.

Oliver, wake up.

What do you want?

Are you awake?

I am now.

Well, if that's Your tone of voice,

Go back to sleep.

As long as I'm awake, What do you want?

Nothing.

Oh, for the love of...

Oliver,

You're a lawyer, aren't you?

You woke me up to ask me...

You know I'm a lawyer.

Good night.

That is not the question!

Well, what is?

It's a hypodermical question.

Hypodermical?

Yes. You see, there Was this friend of mine

Who bought Something for someone,

Who shall remain nameless, And sent it to someone else,

Who shall also remain nameless,

And even though They weren't related,

They both have The same nameless.

Hypothetical.

Anyway, the second nameless

Thought it was for Them and they kept it.

Now, the question Is, how does my friend

Get it back from The second nameless

And send it to The first nameless,

Who should have had it In the first place anyhow?

Well, the way I see it,

Your friend is in big trouble.

Why?

Because the way you explain it,

Nobody could ever understand it.

Now, good night.

Well, I guess you Can't expect a man

Who is 72 years older than me

To stay up late.

Fred, wake up.

Fred!

What's the matter?

I got a question I Want to ask you.

Oh, doris, it's 12:00,

And I'm tired from All that waltzin'.

Just answer me this...

How come mrs. Douglas Bought you that tractor?

Wha-what do you mean?

Fred, what's goin' On between you two?

Nothin'.

Hmm. Pretty fancy Tractor for nothin'.

Oh, doris, go on back to sleep.

Now, look here, fred ziffel!

Now you see what you done?

You woke up arnold.

Go to sleep, arnold.

No. Let him stay awake

And hear what kind of A two-timin' man you are.

How could you do this to me?

I've given you the Best years of my life.

That ain't much of an argument

In your favor.

Oh, then you admit

You'd rather have her than me.

Now, that is the stupidest thing

Anybody ever said.

Fred, why did she Give you that tractor?

It is my birthday.

Ha.

Then why didn't she tell Her husband about it?

Well, it probably Slipped her mind.

Yeah? Well, I'll Take care of that

First thing tomorrow morning.

Mr. Douglas, we got a problem.

we've got a problem?

Yeah, you and me.

You know what's been Goin' on behind our backs?

What?

Well, it ain't easy to say,

But your wife and my husband...

Yes?

You never read peyton place?

You mean...

You think that my Wife and your husb...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Well, you're laughin',

But he's got the new Tractor, and you ain't.

What's the tractor Got to do with it?

Guess who gave it to him.

You think my wife?

To my husband for his birthday.

On his bir...

Ohh. Now I understand!

Sure. Ho ho!

Gosh, you city folks Sure are broad-minded.

Well, I... I... I...

Now, who do you think We should shoot first?

You don't have to shoot anybody.

We always shoot.

No, no. Before you get excited,

Let me talk to my wife.

Well, all right.

But don't be too hard on her.

You know, under Certain circumstances,

My fred is irresistible.

Lisa, sit down.

Not on my lap!

Oh. It's serious.

Yes, it is.

Is it as serious as the time

When I tripped the Duke of edinborough?

It's more serious.

Well, that was pretty serious.

They wanted to Declare war on me.

Lisa, this concerns us.

We are at the crossroads.

We are?

I guess it's all Over between us.

It is?

Yes. I want you to know

That I harbor no ill feelings.

I wish you and Mr. Ziffel the very best.

Well, that's very...

What is that about The best of mr. Ziffel?

Lisa, you gave Mr. Ziffel a tractor.

Well, I...

No, there's no Sense in denying it.

Would you like to help me pack?

But he wasn't Supposed to get one.

Then who was? You was.

Then mr. Ziffel has my tractor.

Who told you?

Well, I figured that out.

Mr. Ziffel is mr. Nameless, huh?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

Well, I'm the other Mr. Nameless, hmm?

Yes.

But am I nameless one or two?

You're always number one for me.

Aha. Then how is it that Nameless two has my tractor?

Sit down. Let me tell you.

You see, I bought this Tractor for you birthday,

And I had it delivered to them,

And it was his birthday, too,

And now he is dancing, And you are not,

And the music is coming Out of the wheels.

Yes, yes, I've heard.

Well, you can just go over there

And get my tractor back.

Well, I tried, but It didn't work.

Then I'll do it myself.

Hello, mr. Douglas.

Hi, there, mr. Nameless... Uh, I mean, mr. Ziffel.

I came over here to talk to you

About this tractor That my wife...

Ohh, she told you, huh?

Yes, she did.

Well, bless her little heart.

And yours, too, mr. Douglas.

You know, this tractor

Is like the answer To my prayers.

Yes, but mr. Ziffel...

Oh, you don't know

How things have been with me.

They've been very bad.

Well, I'm sorry...

Doris, you know, She's slowed down

And couldn't pull a Plow like she used to.

I haven't been able to plant

But half of my acreage.

I couldn't meet my Mortgage payments,

And now, with your gift,

Why, I'll be out of The red in no time.

This is what I wanted to...

And I'll be able to buy Doris some of the things

I've been denyin' her.

I can get arnold a new crib,

And maybe a color tv.

That'll be wonderful. But mr...

And all because You and the missus

Have such big hearts.

No, we really...

Bless you, mr. Douglas. Bless you, sir.

And anytime you Want to borrow it,

You just come right on.

I want you to think Of that tractor

As your very own.

Well, at least you can use it

Whenever you want to.

It's going to be Like it's your own.

Oh, it's not like having my own,

But at least I want to thank you

For having the thought Of giving me a tractor.

Oh, you're welcome.

It was very thoughtful of you.

No, it was nothing.

You picked it out All by yourself?

Yes.

And the stereo... That was your idea?

Music out of each wheel.

Mm. And the air conditioning.

And the 2-way radio.

It was a beautiful tractor.

Yes. Then why in...

Why did you have to Give it to mr. Ziffel?!

I'm never going to Hear the end of this.

What kind of a mallethead Would do a think like that?

Before you get real mad,

You want to give me A happy birthday kiss?

Well...

It's not like having Your own tractor...

It's hard to believe

That you are 81 Years older than I am.

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