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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

♪ oh, her hair was long And her sea was strong ♪

♪ and the waves Were big and rough ♪

♪ they were mountain-high And they hit her in the eye ♪

♪ and swept her Off into the stuff ♪

♪ oh, shed a tear for gertrude ♪

♪ at the bottom of the sea ♪

♪ yes, shed a tear For gertrude ♪

♪ and shed a tear for me ♪

♪ oh, the captain... ♪

Eb! Eb! What's that Song you're singing?

Oh, that's a folk Song my pappy learned

In this little town He was borned in.

They wrote folks Songs about practically

Everything that ever happened.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. When I was in school

I used to go around In vacation time

And collect folk songs.

In fact, I wrote a few myself.

I'd take an old local legend,

I'd set it to music...

Say, mr. Douglas, maybe You could write a song about

That thing that happened Around here over 100 years ago.

You see, there was this woman.

Her name was...

Her name was what?

Molly turgiss.

Uh-oh.

What about molly?

Don't say it!

What's the matter with you?

What's the local legend?

I'm sorry. I said More than I should've.

But you started to tell me...

If you need me, I'll be hidin'.

Molly turgiss?

Uh, lisa, have you seen...

What are you doing?

I'm making a whole Electrical breakfast.

Electrical toast, Electrical coffee,

And electrical eggs.

Yeah, but don't forget now,

You can't add up to More than a seven,

And that coffee Pot's already a 3.

Darling, how long Have I been here?

Um, 7 months.

Good-bye.

Where you going?

I only promised to stay 6.

You promised to stay another 6.

Well, that's because You got me drunk.

I what?

Just like you did when You got me to marry you.

Why do you think up These wild stories?

I like to get you mad.

All right, I'm mad. Now Make me some breakfast.

All right.

I pull out the 6, And put in the 2.

Take out the one, put in the 4.

Pull out the 3 and Put in... I missed.

Now, I got to fix the generator.

You better, darling,

Because the ziffels Are coming to dinner,

And I want to cook them A whole electrical dinner.

What about breakfast?

Well, if you want some coffee,

You'd better light the stove.

There's some paper In the washing machine.

Washing machine?

I always keep it there Because I never use it.

You see, it's a 6,

And the refrigerator Goes all the time,

And if I plug in the Washing machine,

You know what happens.

Uh-huh. I just saw.

All right...

Oh, lisa! My music!

What's this doing in there? You know what this is!

Yes, your solk fongs.

My... My folk songs.

I sometimes get the S-ses mixed up with f-ses.

Yes, I know you do.

Lots of people do.

What did you put my solk... Oh!

You have trouble With the f-ses, too?

That's not the Only trouble I have.

Do you have wubble-u Troubles, too?

When you get the wubble-us Mixed up with the wees?

No. I've been spared that one.

You haven't been Starting the fire

With my folk songs, have you?

No, I don't think so.

It took a long time to Collect these, you know.

Oh, here's one!

I found this one In the everglades.

the day lizzie taylor Got et by the alligator.

Here's one I found down In the blue ridge mountains.

♪ who pulled the trigger On little harry bigger ♪

They're all sad.

Maybe they are, but That's all part of america.

If it wasn't for These folk songs,

A lot of the old legends Would've been lost.

Well, I wouldn't care if Some of them got lost.

You know, there's A folk story about

Something that happened Here in hooterville.

Oh? Yeah.

How many people got wiped out?

I don't know.

I don't know anything About it except

It's about somebody Named molly turgiss.

Huh. I thought I fixed that.

Good morning, mr. Drucker.

Morning, mr. Douglas, Mrs. Douglas.

How are you, mr. Drucker?

I'm just fine. Care for A freshly dusted apple?

No, thank you.

Is there something I Can do for you folks?

Yes, you can answer a question.

Eb's been telling me Of a local legend...

Darling, I have To do my shopping.

The ziffels are Coming for dinner.

Oh! What'll you have?

Have you got any guitar picks?

Yeah, but there ain't Much nourishment on them.

I didn't mean that we Were gonna serve them.

I play a little guitar, and I thought after dinner...

Oh, darling, are You going to sing

Some of your sad solk fongs?

Solk fongs?

Have you got any guitar picks?

Yeah. You'll find them Over in the music department

Between the ish kabibble kazoos

And the rudy vallee megaphones.

Ok, I'll find them.

Here's my list, mr. Drucker.

Let's see, 6 jars of cay-vee...

Caviar.

Oh, of course. Ahem.

Looks like we're Fresh out of them.

What are they?

They're little and round And black and come from...

Oh, oliver! What is a caviar?

Fish eggs.

Oh. Oh! Fish eggs!

Here you are. "Knock 'em dead fish eggs."

They'll get you a trout Even during mating season.

I wouldn't want To disturb anybody

During mating season.

Uh, how much is This guitar pick?

Is that a john philip Sousa or an eddie peabody?

It doesn't have any name on it.

Oh. I can let you Have that for 15 cents.

Darling, please, can't you do

Your shopping somewhere else?

I'm sorry!

What is this patty foy?

Paté de foie gras.

Oh... Of course.

4 cans, please.

4 cans of foy gras.

Well, looks like We're out of that, too.

Doggone, I sure have A run on these things

This time of year.

I imagine they clean you Out of foie gras in no time.

Honey, enough of This fancy stuff here.

What are you gonna Serve for dinner?

Well, I thought something simple

Like lobster thermidor.

That's simple?

Yes. You just get a lobster

And you put it in the thermidor.

I don't think we Have a thermidor.

That's good, 'cause I sold My last lobster 3 years ago.

I never had so much Trouble in the city

Giving a dinner party.

I got a couple of steaks In the freezer in back.

Steaks? Well, how Do you cook those?

I'll barbecue them. You got any charcoal?

Yes, sir. Sure thing.

That big enough?

Oh, yeah, that's... Burgess? Now, what does that...

That reminds me. When I came in here,

I started to ask you something About this local legend

About a woman Named molly turgiss.

Now you did it, mr. Douglas! Didn't you see that sign?

Who is "You-know-who"?

You-know-who is mo...

Is who you said that Busted the pickle barrel.

Oh, you don't mean just Because I mentioned...

Don't mention it!

I don't understand what Busted the pickle barrel.

What's the mystery?

Just forget about It, mr. Douglas.

But you...

What happened to you-know-who Happened a long time ago.

Let's just leave it that way.

Aw, come on, fred. The Douglases are expecting us.

I ain't a-goin'. Why not?

Because he's gonna ask Me about you-know-who,

Just like he did sam drucker.

That don't mean He's gonna ask you.

I ain't takin' no chances.

Oh, you're not Taking any chances

Mentioning molly turgiss.

What'd you knock my hat off for?

I didn't touch your hat.

Well, somebody knocked it off!

It was you-know-who.

Don't try and tell me It was molly turgiss!

Ok, fred, come on, on your feet.

Come on, let's go!

I ain't movin'.

Aw, fred, I spent all Afternoon pressin' my hat

And arnold took a bath.

Well, arnold don't Want to go no more'n I do.

He wants to stay and Watch the beverly hillbillies.

Ok, on your feet, Both of you. Come on.

Ohh, all right, I'll go.

But if he mentions her Just once, I'm leavin'.

He ain't gonna mention her,

And if you'll be nice, We'll have a real good time.

♪ so-o-o ♪

♪ ol' john brody, he Rose from his bed ♪

♪ and he picked up a shovel And he hit her on the head ♪

♪ down fell bess, Stone cold dead ♪

♪ oh-de-lay-ee, with A hi diddle diddle ♪

♪ and a ninny ninny foo ♪

♪ says he, "Bess Townsend, I'm rid of you" ♪

He's not through Yet, mr. Ziffel.

Just one more to go.

Well, I guess I can Sleep through that.

Fred! Go ahead, mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

♪ ohhh, they drug ol' john To the little county jail ♪

♪ and they put him in the cell And wouldn't give him bail ♪

♪ and when they strung him Up and they sprung the trap ♪

♪ he shouted, "I don't Care, I shut her yap" ♪

Not yet, mr. Ziffel.

♪ oh-de-lay-ee, with A hi diddle diddle ♪

♪ and a ninny ninny foo ♪

♪ says he, "Bess Townsend, I'm rid of you" ♪

♪ "Yes, indeed, bess Townsend, I'm rid of yo-o-ou" ♪

Now, mr. Ziffel.

You know, that song is Based on a true story.

I got it from an old prospector In pimpledome, montana.

And if I hadn't put it to music,

It might have been lost forever.

What makes you Think it ain't lost?

Fred, why you bein' so rude?

Because I know what He's leadin' up to.

He's fixin' to ask me About you-know-who.

As a matter of fact, I was.

That's it. Come On. Let's go, doris.

Aw, now, fred!

I told you the minute He brought her name up

That we was gonna leave.

Now, come on, Arnold. If we hurry,

We can catch the last Part of dick van dyke.

Come on.

Good night, folks.

We sure enjoyed the Dinner and the songs.

I just enjoyed the dinner.

Wait a minute!

Why is it nobody Wants to talk about...

Ah! Good night, mr. Douglas!

I wonder what the mystery is.

What happened?

What happened was you sang Too many of your sad songs

And they went home,

Just like they used To do in new york.

We lost some of our best friends

With your solk fongs.

Lisa, I'm talking About the mystery.

Will you please unhook me?

Aren't you interested?

Hmm? No. Thank you.

Well, I am.

Must be somebody around here

Will tell me about Molly turgiss.

Mignon, be more careful.

♪ who was ♪

♪ who was molly ♪

♪ what was her folly ♪

♪ what was the story ♪

♪ that sent her to her glory ♪

♪ was it sweet, was it sad ♪

♪ was it... Was it Good, was it bad ♪

♪ or was it gruesome and gory ♪

♪ molly, molly ♪

♪ molly turgiss ♪

♪ what is the story of you ♪

Whoa!

Lisa!

What's the matter?

Were you just in here?

No.

You sure? Yes.

There was a woman Standing behind me.

An old hag with Long stringy hair,

Wrinkles, no teeth.

Are you trying to start a fight?

Oh, no, no. I just thought that

You were the only Woman around here.

I must have imagined it.

How could you imagine That I look like that?

Please, forget it.

All right.

Can I unplug you now?

Uh, yeah.

Molly?

Molly turgiss?

Aah!

So, you want to play Throwing coffee pots, huh?

I didn't throw any coffee pot.

Well, if you didn't, who did?

First, it was over there And then it was over here.

It's got something To do with that name.

What name? Molly turgiss.

Lisa! That's not very funny,

Throwing a frying pan, Hitting me in the head!

I didn't throw it.

Well, if you didn't, who did?

Perhaps it was the Same one who didn't

Throw the coffee Pot, so we are even.

Frying pans and coffee pots

Don't go flying Around by themselves.

Wait a minute.

There's a word for That... Poltergeist.

What is that?

Well, it's a supernatural Phenomenon.

What is that, stupid Unnatural phenomenonon?

Well, some people Would say ghosts.

Ahh, now you're Talking my language.

When are you going to Learn to talk my language?

I know all about ghosts.

In the old country, the Houses were full of them.

Oh, come on. There's No such thing.

Don't you believe in ghosts?

Certainly not.

Then say her name.

Well, I'm not saying her name

Just to prove to you That I'm not afraid.

Then why aren't you saying it?

Well, I'm not Saying it because...

Well, who's that?

Well, it couldn't Be you-know-who,

Because she wouldn't be honking,

She would walk right Through the walls.

Oh, for...

All right, what are you Blowing the horn for?

Mr. Douglas, have you signed up

With a real estate agent yet?

Real estate agent?

Yeah. You're putting your place

Up for sale, ain't you?

What for?

I heard you was having Trouble with you-know-who.

When you lived here,

Did any strange Things ever happen?

We had a new year's Eve party one time...

No. I mean, things that You couldn't explain.

Such as?

Well, did you ever Notice a wrinkled old hag

Looking at you in the mirror When you were shaving?

No, but my wife always did.

Mr. Douglas, why did you Have to stir all this up?

I just wanted to Write a folk song.

Well, why don't you write one

About william jennings bryan?

He wouldn't give you no trouble.

Oh, I don't...

Or louis pasture. Or what's-his-name.

Look, mr. Haney... Who's what's-his-name?

That's you-know-who's uncle.

Now, there's a story!

Yeah? What is it?

Mr. Douglas, ain't you Havin' enough trouble

With you-know-who

Without tangling With what's-his-name?

Just tell me the story.

Of what?

About molly turgiss!

Now you did it.

I'll have to walk all The way into pixley.

Pixley?

Yeah, she always Drives it up there

And parks in front Of the fire hydrant.

Come on, you don't believe that!

Believe what?

Oh, that you-know-who Drove off in his truck.

She did?

No, she didn't! She... There's no...

Ha ha! Just passed molly Driving haney's truck.

You said she didn't.

Oh, she didn't!

Well, mr. Kimball Just said he saw her.

Oh, I didn't see her. I Don't think I saw her.

No, I didn't see her. Can't see old molly.

Stole haney's truck Again, huh? Ha ha!

Ol' molly's quite a character.

Somebody ought to write A solk fong about her.

Yes, that's what I'd like to do,

But nobody'll talk about her.

They won't even Mention her name.

Who, molly turgiss?

Aren't you afraid?

Normally, but It'll take ol' molly

An hour to walk Back from pixley.

What is her story?

Well, it's pretty gruesome.

Well, it's not gruesome.

I've seen more horrible Things at the drive-in movie.

In the cars, not on the screen.

What happened to her?

What happened to her?

Well, let's see if I Can tell the story

In chronological order.

No, I don't think I Can tell it that way.

I don't care how you tell it,

Just tell it before she Gets back from pixley!

What did she go to pixley for?

Oh! Well, anyway, molly Was a very ugly child

And grew up to be a Horrible looking woman.

The poor thing.

Yeah. Nobody'd have Anything to do with her.

Kids used to hide in their House when she'd walk by,

People'd draw their shades,

Dogs would... No, Dogs liked her.

She was shaped Like a dog biscuit.

You've made your Point. She was very ugly.

Yes, she was.

Never had a boyfriend, Nobody'd take her out.

Well, this one fellow Did take her out.

It was my Great-great-grandfather.

Yeah, he got stuck With her on a blind date.

She showed up with This stringy hair...

Wrinkles? No teeth?

Oh, you got stuck with her, too?

No. I thought I saw her in The mirror when I was shaving.

Oh, yeah. Molly's a Great shaving watcher.

What finally happened to her?

Well, nobody'd talk to Her, nobody'd look at her,

So finally one day She left town and...

But she said she'd Come back some day

And haunt anybody Whoever mentioned her name.

What a sad story.

She was uglied out of town.

Yeah. That's why Everybody's afraid

To mention molly turgiss.

Uh-oh. You-know-who is back.

It's no use. I've got the keys.

Well, it could have been worse.

You should have Seen the bill I got

For the bodywork Last time. Oh, boy.

That poor woman, Everybody making fun of her.

Nobody liked her Except the dogs.

Don't you worry about molly.

If only I could talk to her.

Well, that's easy. Just mention her name...

When you're shaving.

Molly!

Molly turgiss.

Molly turgiss!

Hello, there! I Want to talk to you.

You're not there.

Oh, you're only there.

Can you talk?

Can you listen?

I want to tell You how sorry I am

The way they treated you here.

Well, there is nothing To be sad about.

You're only as ugly as you look.

When you were an Ugly little child in 1822,

They didn't have all these Things to make you beautiful

Like wrinkle remover, Skin younger-upper,

Eyes prettier, hair un-stringer.

Of course, all this stuff Belongs to my sister.

Anyway, with this, I could Show you how to be beautiful.

Would you like that?

Then you must promise me

Not to throw things At people anymore.

Promise?

All right, let's go to work.

You did what?!

I talked to her. I Made her beautiful.

Well, not beautiful, but...

Look, honey, I have Had a peculiar day...

Darling, she promised Not to throw things

At people anymore. Watch.

Molly turgiss! Molly turgiss!

See? You try it.

Molly turgiss?

See, all it needed Was kind words

And 2 jars of cold cream.

See, all it took Was a little kindness

And a couple of Jars of cold cream.

Fred: are you trying to tell us

That you-know-who ain't Gonna bother us no more?

You can mention her Name. Molly turgiss.

You see, everything Is all right.

I've written a folk Song about her.

the ballad of molly turgiss.

I'll sing it for you.

I thought you said Everything was all right.

♪ this is the ballad Of ugly old molly ♪

♪ ugly as sin, by Golly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by Golly, as ugly as sin ♪

♪ by golly, by Golly, as ugly as sin ♪

♪ then she met lisa, Who came from the city ♪

♪ who said, don't you Worry, I'll make you pretty ♪

♪ you can't, says Molly, I'm ugly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by golly, By golly, by golly ♪

♪ by golly, by Golly, I'm ugly as sin ♪

♪ by golly ♪

♪ oh, molly has... ♪

Hello, miss turgiss!

Oh, you look beautiful.

Do you hear the song my Husband wrote about you?

It isn't very good,

But at least they Won't forget you.

Now, you go wherever You're supposed to go

And have a nice time.

Oh, you promised.

Well, all right.

Just this one.

♪ oh, molly's no longer An ugly old crone ♪

♪ now she's as pretty As molly malone ♪

Lisa! You said that...

Well, she just wanted One for the road.

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