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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Well, keep ringing, sarah. I'm sure they're home.

Oh, hello, henrietta.

I hope the phone Didn't disturb you.

Hello?

Oh, hello, mrs. Douglas. It's sam drucker.

Sorry to get you up the pole.

Oh, that's all Right. I don't mind.

But don't call Unless it's important.

Uh, you're disturbing henrietta.

Henrietta?

Yes, the pigeon.

She's sitting on The top of the pole

On her eggs in the Little basket she made.

A basket? Oh, you mean a nest.

2 of them look like her,

And 2 of them look Like her husband.

Well, that's very nice.

Look, the reason I Called, mrs. Douglas,

Is to tell you I'm takin' A 2-weeks vacation.

Oh. Have a good time.

Hello? Hello?

Sarah, would you get Mrs. Douglas back for me?

Hello?

Hello, mrs. Douglas. Sam drucker again.

Well, I thought you Went on a vacation.

No, not yet. Look, I Called to tell you

That the store's gonna be Closed for a couple of weeks,

So if you need anything,

You'd better come In today and order it.

I'll make up a list. Good-bye.

Here. Here's your Paper and pencil.

Hmm?

Write on the top of The paper "Shopping list."

What for?

So if you lose it, And somebody finds it,

They know what it is.

I see.

That's it?

Is that how you Spell "Shopping,"

With one "O" and 2 ps?

Mm-hmm.

I always spell it With 2 os and one "P".

That's "Shooping."

You mean, all this Time I've been shooping

Instead of shopping?

I guess so.

Funny nobody noticed it.

Why don't you figure Out what you need?

All right, let me see.

Oh, I didn't know I was so low.

Uh, put down a Bottle of nail polish.

All right.

That's all I need In this closet.

Now let me see what I need in this closet.

Oh, put down a Jar of cold cream.

Where do you keep the food?

Oh, over here in this closet.

Darling, as long as mr. Drucker

Is away for 2 weeks,

You'd better order Another 50 pounds.

You've got enough there

To keep me sick For the rest of...

Uh, no, we don't Need any, I mean.

Look, why don't you Order some food?

All right. Order a Box of eye shadow.

No, I mean something to eat.

Uh, some cans of something.

Well, order 8 cans of something.

Is that enough for 2 weeks?

Why don't you let me order it?

All right, darling, you do it.

Oh, wait a moment.

I have to order Something else. Come on.

We need a lipstick.

One lipstick.

This flavor.

Ok, I'll kiss mr. Drucker

And see if he has it.

Ben, I was countin' on you.

Somebody's gotta take Over my deputy sheriff duties

While I'm away seein' my sister.

No, she's not gonna Have another baby.

It's her 68th birthday.

I'll take over bein' Deputy for you.

Joe, put that down.

I'm just examining It for the worms.

I de-wormed the whole basket.

Ben, you've gotta do this...

This one's got a worm in it.

Well, you can have it.

Not the apple, the worm.

Ben, look, I...

Oh, all right. I'll call fred.

Joe: hi, mr. Douglas.

Hi, mr. Carson, mr. Drucker.

Say, I understand you're Going on a vacation.

Yeah.

Well, we're gonna miss you.

I ain't.

Nobody's talkin' to you.

Is there something You need, mr. Douglas?

Yes, a few things.

That your shooping list?

Uh, yes.

Don't buy any apples. They're full of worms.

Uh, first thing I need Is some nail polish.

What kind do you use?

It's for mrs. Douglas.

There you are. 39 cents.

Isn't that a little large?

Well, that's the economy size.

The women use this For a lot of things

Besides their Nails... Enamelin' pots,

Glazin' china.

Uh, have you any other colors?

No, this is the only One it comes in...

"Teddy roosevelt pink."

That's the same shade Teddy's cheeks used to turn

When he got mad.

Oh.

Hello, sam, joe, mr. Douglas.

Hello, mr. Ziffel.

What are you gonna do?

You gonna enamel some pots?

That's for my wife.

How is that Beautiful little lady?

Oh, she's fine, thank You. How's mrs. Ziffel?

Oh, what'd you want To bring her up for?

Fred, I was gonna call You. I thought maybe

You'd take over bein' Deputy sheriff for me

While I'm on my vacation.

Not me. I'll do it.

Why not, fred?

I'm too busy.

Sam, I told you, I'd be glad to.

Joe, I ain't interested.

Why don't you keep Out of my way, newt?

What's the matter with him?

Sam, there's your man.

What'd I do?

Nothin', newt. How'd you like to be

Deputy sheriff for A couple of weeks?

Uh, no thanks.

I got too much to Do around my farm.

Gonna enamel my bathtub.

Let me have a gallon If that nail polish,

Will you, sam?

Doggone it.

Who am I gonna get To take over for me?

Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you.

The community has To have law and order.

Uh, this gonna be

A long speech, mr. Douglas?

Uh, well, no, I...

Better sit down, Newt. It usually is.

Well, all I was going to say

Is that it's every Citizen's duty

To help in any way he can

To uphold the law of the land,

No matter how arduous

Or distasteful This task might be.

This country was Not built by shirkers.

What would've happened If j. Edgar hoover

Had said, "Oh, I'm too Busy to run the fbi"?

Why, the forces Of crime and evil

Would run rampant Over the countryside.

Our whole system Of jurisprudence

Is based on the Enforcement of the law...

Raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly swear To carry out the duties

Of deputy sheriff of this county

To the best of your ability?

Say "I do." I do. No man...

Congratulations, deputy douglas.

Oh, now, wait a Minute. I'm too busy.

Now, what would've happened

If j. Edgar hoover Would've said that?

Yeah. The forces Of crime and evil

Would've been Runnin' their ramparts

All over the countryside.

Rampant, rampant!

Well, however They've been runnin',

I'm sure glad to see You're takin' over.

I don't know anything

About being a deputy sheriff.

There's nothin' to it. If anything happens,

All you have to do is,

You phone the sheriff in pixley

Or phone the state police

Now, let's see.

Here's everything you'll need.

Your deputy sheriff badge,

Your handcuffs,

Handcuff key,

Blank traffic citations,

And your gun.

A gun?

Yeah. Where'd I put the bullets?

I guess I lost 'em.

Well, you won't need 'em anyway.

I'll just put all this Stuff in a bag for you...

Handcuffs, key, bag, Traffic citations...

And then you can give me The rest of your shooping list.

Mr. Douglas. Heh heh.

Mr. Haney, I, uh...

Somebody told you,

And you just Couldn't wait to see it.

See what?

This.

Ain't that lifelike? And that's not all.

Won't that make a Perfect watchdog?

I don't need a watchdog.

Well, then what Did you stop me for?

I don't know whether You know it or not,

But mr. Drucker just swore me in

As deputy sheriff While he's away.

Heh. Stuck you With the job, huh?

I see that your truck Has no license plate.

It don't? No.

Well, I'll be doggone.

It had a plate on it When I bought it in 1922.

You've been driving All these years

Without a license plate?

I guess so. Now, About this alligator,

By pressin' the other eyeball...

Mr. Haney, I've got To give you a ticket.

Just for pressin' The other eyeball?

For driving without A license plate.

Now, mr. Douglas,

We're both reasonable men.

You forget the ticket, And I'll let you have

This fifty-dollar Growlin' alligator

For $25.

Are you trying to bribe me?

Uh, no, I'm just tryin' To give you a good buy

On a growlin' alligator.

I'm sorry, mr. Haney,

But as a duly sworn Officer of the law,

I have a duty to perform.

Hi, uncle charleton!

Uncle charleton?

Uh, yeah. This is my Nephew heston haney.

Oh. Well, how do you do?

Now, here, read those over.

If that facts are Correct, why, just sign it.

What's that?

Mr. Douglas is Givin' me a ticket.

I'm a deputy sheriff.

Let me see your credentials.

Why, certainly. Here they are.

You got a whole Bag full of 'em, huh?

Yes. Well, no. It's, Uh... This is a deputy kit.

Well, it's not A kit. It's a bag.

Here, I'll show you.

Hold these.

And the, uh...

Drop it!

No, it's not loaded.

Drop it.

It's not loaded.

Mr. Drucker couldn't Find the bullets.

Here's my badge.

Oh. Very nice.

Well, guess he's got The goods on you,

Uncle charleton.

Uh, what did you do?

Oh, I haven't got A license plate.

Somebody stole it, huh?

Yeah, I guess they did.

Well, you report It, uncle charleton.

I'll do that first thing I get home, heston.

A wonderful man.

Uh... Hey, what are you Tearing that up for?

Well, you can't blame a man

If somebody steals His license plate.

What would you do if Somebody stole yours?

Well, nobody stole mine.

Oh, new york plates, huh?

Yes. You live there?

No, I live here.

How long? 7 months.

What's your first Name, deputy douglas?

What are you doing?

Well, we have a law...

All out-of-state residents

Who reside in-state More than 6 months

Are required to replace

Their out-of-state Plates with in-state.

Now, there you are.

There's your in-state Traffic citation

For havin' out-of-state plates.

Now, mr. Officer, I'm a deputy sheriff.

Like it says in front of The supreme court building,

"Equal justice under the law."

Eb! Eb!

Eb: yes, sir.

Help me with the Groceries, will you?

Oh, boy! Soup, spaghetti,

Creamed corn.

We're really gonna eat!

Yep. Who's gonna cook it?

Mrs. Douglas.

Back to the hotcakes.

What's in here?

Oh! No, no, let that alone.

That's my deputy sheriff bag.

Uh, kit... Stuff.

How'd mr. Drucker stick you?

Just bring the groceries Into the kitchen, will you?

Yes, sir, mr. Dillon.

Oh, a dee-putty!

Uh... A sheriff.

Oh, a fuzz.

A deputy.

A deputy fuzz.

Why are you that?

I'm taking over for mr. Drucker

When he's on his vacation.

Oh, darling, I'm So proud of you.

I can hardly wait to See you in your uniform.

Oh... Well, I don't Get a uniform.

You're a plain clothes dick?

Where do you get these words...

"Dick" and "Fuzz"?

On television.

I saw a gangster movie With edgar j. Robinson.

Edward g.

I'll bring in the rest of The groceries, mr. Earp.

Who is mr. Earp?

He was a famous marshal.

Hey, is that your Dee-putty badge?

Would you like me to Arrest you for loitering?

No, sir.

Then bring in the Rest of the groceries.

Darling, what else Do you have in the bag?

Traffic tickets... And the gun.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Put... Put that away.

No bullets. Oh.

Mr. Drucker couldn't find 'em.

Here. What are these?

Handcuffs. Oh?

Let me show you how they work.

No, no, no. Do you have the key?

Oh, sure. Right Here in the bag, yeah.

All right. Arrest me.

No, no. Just one.

You see, you put One on the criminal...

And one on the police officer.

That way the criminal can't Make a run for it, you see?

That's very clever. Uh-huh.

Now, you'll notice I Put it on my left wrist

In case I have to Make a quick draw.

Darling, darling, Will you open it?

It's very tight.

Ah. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, sure.

I don't suppose I'll Ever have to use it...

Where's the key?

What? Well, where is the key?

It's here. Oliver!

It's got to be here!

I saw mr. Drucker put it in.

Well, where is the key?

It must be on the Front seat of the car.

Well, go get it. Yeah.

Ow! I'm sorry.

You'll have to come with me.

In the car? Yes.

Ow.

Come on, we'll...

Darling, slow down! You're hurting me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I just want to Get this thing off

So that you won't...

Now, yes, I've got...

Oh. It's not here.

Well, what about this?

Only been on the job an hour,

And you caught your First one. What'd she do?

She didn't do anything.

Oh, but I'm liable to. Now, where's the key?

Oh!

It must've fallen out of the bag

When I showed the policeman

My deputy sheriff kit.

Uh, bag... The stuff, I mean.

Where is that?

It's about 4 miles Down the road.

Well, go and get it.

Yes, yes, you'll Have to come along.

Uh, wait...

Get over there and slide over.

That doesn't work.

Well, I can't... Come here.

Uh, let's see. I'll get in.

Yeah, all right.

Well, what am I supposed to do,

Run alongside?

Slide over.

Now what?

Well, drive us back down The road where the pol...

Oh, you don't drive.

You finally remembered.

Uh, well, here. Let Me, uh, move over.

Uh...

Uh, look, let me Try... Give me...

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now, hold it.

Uh... Get out.

All right.

Here I am,

Running alongside again.

There must be Some way to do this!

Ow.

Come on, get out.

Well? What about Opening the door?

Lisa, I can't...

Well, when a husband Stops opening doors,

The honeymoon is over.

Lisa!

I'm going to throw away My black night gown.

No! No, no.

All right.

Let's start lookin' for the key.

Ow!

Now, let's see.

It was right around In here someplace.

Heston: oh, deputy douglas.

What did she do?

This is my wife.

I am mrs. deputy.

How do you do?

How do you do? Oh!

Now, how did you Get into this mess?

I was showing her how The handcuffs worked.

And you forgot to get the key.

No, I didn't forget the key.

You remember that... That deputy kit...

Uh, the bag that I Was showing you?

Well, I... The key fell out.

Oh. Maybe we can find it.

Let's look around.

Yeah. Ow!

No, I don't see it.

Don't you have a handcuff key?

Ow!

It wouldn't fit.

These are a different type.

That's the wyatt earp model.

Why don't we go Back to mr. Drucker?

Maybe he has another key.

Smart girl. Should've Made her deputy.

You and your handcuffs.

You put one on the criminal,

The other one goes on the fuzz.

Then you have your Right hand free...

Will you be quiet? We'll be out of these...

In 2 weeks. What?

There are a few things

I would like to call Deputy douglas.

He didn't say he was Gonna leave today.

Maybe we can get in...

Ohh, for the...

Oh, come on! Ow!

Hello, mr. And mrs. Douglas!

Oh, mr. Kimball. Are We glad to see you.

The door's locked. Sam went away.

Yes, I know.

Heard he made you deputy.

That's quite an honor.

Well, it's not an honor. It...

What do we have here?

Ohh. I put the handcuffs On mrs. Douglas.

What'd she do?

Mr. Kimball...

Never can tell, can You? Such a beautiful

And innocent-looking...

Well, not innocent-looking.

Yes, she is innocent-looking.

Certainly fooled me.

Mr. Kimball,

I didn't do anything.

That's what they all say.

Good work, deputy douglas.

Look, can you get Us out of these?

Out of what?

The handcuffs. I lost the key.

Oh, well, that Shouldn't be too hard.

Well, it shouldn't be too easy.

I'd say it was impossible.

Although houdini used To jump off a bridge

With his hands tied...

I don't suppose You'd want to do that.

Is there a way you Can cut them off?

Cut what off?

These! Ouch!

I'm sorry. If you Had something sharp,

Maybe you could break them.

Oh...

I got it!

Come with me.

Well, here we are.

Nothing could be simpler Than this, now, could it?

Ha ha. Now, if one of you

Will lay down on that side Of the track right there.

Mr. D, would you lay Down on that side there?

That's fine.

Oh, to use the track As an anvil, huh?

Yes, mr. Douglas. Now, the other one

Will be on the other Side of the track.

That's it. Mrs. D, mrs. D, that's...

Thank you, mrs. Douglas. That's very, very good.

Now, put the handcuffs Firmly on the rail there.

Uhh. Oh, dear.

That's fine. Firm. Very good!

Get something To hit it with now.

Yes, sir. Now, if You'll lay back there.

Oh, boy!

Oh! Oh!

You fatheaded idiot!

Thanks a lot!

I'd watch that if I Were you, mr. Douglas.

You could get killed that way.

Oh, boy.

I am not going to do it.

You have to! I don't have to!

How am I gonna make the call

Unless you come Up the pole with me?

Couldn't you call long distance?

I am in no mood...

Well, neither am I.

Well, then come on.

Ow.

Hurry up and make the call!

Ow!

I can't reach it.

Can you get up a little higher?

No, I can't!

Why don't you use The other hand?

Ooh!

What?

I can't. If I let go, I'll fall.

Well, who do you Have to call anyhow?

The sheriff.

He probably has another key.

A fine mess you got us into.

Henrietta, did your Husband ever get you

Into a mess like this?

You see?

I don't care about her husband.

That's a nice way to talk.

Do you know where Her husband is?

In the army, carrying messages.

Can't you come up a step higher?

No, I couldn't.

Oh, let's go back to The railroad track idea.

It was much safer.

Look, don't you understand?

I can't reach the phone!

Well, then what are We doing up here?

I don't know. Climb down.

All right!

I wonder where eb is.

He should've found The sheriff by now.

He's been gone over...

Oh, darling, hold still!

You're messing up everything.

Do you have to do that now?

Well, what else should I do?

I can't get undressed,

I can't take a bath.

Just be patient.

Eb is going to bring the key.

No, I'm not.

The sheriff didn't have one.

What did he suggest I do?

I'd rather not say In front of mrs. Earp.

Are we going to Spend 2 weeks like this?

No.

Why don't you do

What edgar j. Robinson Did on television?

He used a hairpin to Open the handcuffs.

Eb, instead of standing there,

Giving us stupid advice,

Why don't you and get A welder or a plumber

Or somebody with a hacksaw?

Yes, sir.

Hairpins. They only Work on television.

Never in real life.

Lisa, you opened it!

How'd you do that?

With a hairpin in real life.

I don't believe it.

Well, here, try it.

It's easy.

Ha ha.

Where are you going?

Well, I'm going To get undressed,

Take a bath, then go to bed,

And in the morning, If you are still up,

I'll cook you hotcakes.

Wait, lisa.

Lisa! Lisa!

Wait!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa, how did you do this?!

Lisa! Lisa!

Aaah!

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