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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you mr. Oliver Wendell douglas.

Thank you.

Distinguished members Of the supreme court,

Mr. Governor, mr. Mayor,

Members of the harvard Alumni legal society,

Mr. George jessel...

Mr. Jessel isn't here.

Oh. Ah. Well...

Uh, for many years, I've Practiced corporate law

Here in the city of new york.

Then, about 6 months ago,

I prevailed upon my lovely wife

To move to a farm

In the beautiful Hooterville valley.

He didn't prevail me.

He tricked me.

Lisa, please.

Well, no matter how I got there.

At any rate, I settled down

To become a farmer.

I planted corn, I planted wheat,

I bought an apple orchard.

But I missed the Practice of law.

Yet he wouldn't move Back to new york.

Lisa...

At any rate,

A few weeks ago, I Hung out my shingle.

Well, I very soon found out

That there's a vast difference

Between the practice of Corporate law and country law.

My guest here at the Speaker's table tonight,

Arnold ziffel, Is a case in point.

I'd like to explain Why arnold is here.

You see, when Mr. Smead called me...

Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Smead. I'd be glad to.

Oh, I'd be honored.

Oh, I'll be there.

Yes, I'll be there, Mr. Smead. Good-bye.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Darling? Darling, What's the matter?

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

We're going to new york.

Oh! You sold the farm.

Lisa...

No, I have been invited

To be the keynote speaker

For the harvard Alumni legal society.

I can't go. Why not?

Well, I haven't got Anything to wear

For the aluminum society.

Alumni soci...

You got a whole Closet full of clothes.

What about the yellow one?

Yellow what?

The yellow gown.

Oh, yeah, that'll be fine.

All right. I'll go buy one.

Lisa, wear what you've got.

But darling...

No, no. Don't bother me anymore

About your clothes.

I've got to concentrate On my speech.

"Distinguished members Of the supreme court,

"Mr. Governor, mr. Mayor,

"And members of the Harvard alumni legal society,

"George jessel, Ladies and gentlemen,

"It is indeed a great Honor to have been chosen

To talk to this annual Meeting on the subject of..."

Darling? Darling, Do you like it?

Oh, yes. Ooh, that's Very nice, yes.

"On the sub..."

I can't wear it. Why not?

I wore it once to The el morocco,

And everybody saw it.

Oh, lisa. I'm sure the people

That'll be at this banquet Were not at el morocco

The night you wore that dress.

I can't take the chance. It wouldn't be right

For my husband making a speech

In a gown everybody already saw.

I'm not wearing the dress.

Neither am I.

"Distinguished Members of the..."

Mr. Douglas, it is I...

Eb, your faithful hired hand.

What do you want?

How long are you gonna be

At the aluminum meeting?

Alumni.

We'll be in new york For about a week,

And I'm leaving you In charge of the farm

While we're away.

Includin' tuesday?

Of course.

That's my day off.

Well, you can't have a Day off while we're away.

You can have 2 days Off when we get back.

Which 2 days?

I don't know.

How about saturday and sunday?

Fine.

Thursday and friday Would be better.

Ok. Thursday and friday.

and saturday and sunday?

No!

How about tuesday? That's my day off.

Look, eb, I'm depending on you.

Darling, do you like this one?

I sure do!

Since when are you Called "Darling"?

That's what my Girlfriend calls me.

This is the one I wore

To the opening Of the horse show,

And nobody looked at the horses,

Not even the other horses.

Yes, I remember.

Oh, eb, will you look after

Alice the chicken While we are gone?

Yes, ma'am.

And bertrum, her Chicken husband?

Her chicken husband?

She means the Rooster. You see...

I know what she means!

Don't you worry. You Just have a good time.

Oh, mr. Douglas, while You're in new york,

Will you do me a favor And call up my mother?

Your mother lives in new york?

No, she lives out here,

But she loves to get Long distance calls.

I don't care what you got.

You can't take arnold.

Fred, you owe haney money.

I don't owe him nothin'.

Well, the court says you do,

And they issued this Here, uh, attachment thing

For arnold.

Uh-uh. No, you can't take him.

Arnold, get in the house.

Get in the house.

Keep out, keep out, keep out.

Look, fred, I don't like haney

Any more than you Do, but I got a job to do.

Well, do it someplace else.

Fred, you're gonna Get yourself in trouble.

Now, I'm givin' you just One hour to cool off,

And then I'm comin' Back and takin' arnold.

Who turned on that tv set?

Arnold.

Fred, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna shoot haney.

I'm not gonna let you do it.

Well, what other way is there?

The legal way.

This is legal. I got a License for this gun.

I mean get a lawyer.

Oh, a lawyer. I can shoot better

Than any lawyer around here.

Why don't you go See mr. Douglas?

Oh, lawyers. All They do is talk.

Well, what I want is action.

Yeah, well, if you Don't put that gun away,

You'll get all the Action you can handle.

Doris, we've been Married a long time,

And this is the first time

You've ever raised a hand to me.

I'm just tryin' to save You from doing something

You'll be sorry for The rest of your life.

Well, why didn't you do It before we got married?

Oh, that's very funny.

Maybe I should let You shoot haney...

And get arrested And put in prison.

Then I'd only have To visit you weekends.

Now, doris,

You keep on talkin' that way,

And our marriage just Ain't gonna work out.

I've got to get That board fixed!

Darling, where is the trunk?

What do you need a trunk for?

We're only gonna Be there a week.

Well, we can't check Into the ritz plaza

With only 12 suitcases.

Everybody's going to Think we're nobodies.

I don't care what they think.

They ain't home. Let's go shoot haney.

Knock again.

Oh, mr. And mrs. Ziffel.

Hi, mrs. Douglas.

Oh, hello, arnold.

Come in. Come right in.

Oh, come in, mrs. Ziffel, mr. Ziffel.

Thank you.

There. How nice To see you again.

Ohh! What a pretty hat.

Thank you.

She wasn't talking to You. She was talking to me.

And take yours off.

Arnold.

Arnold, would you Like to play with mignon?

Oh, mignon, there is Someone here to see you.

Won't you sit down?

No, mrs. Douglas, This ain't a social call.

We're here on legal business.

Yeah, we want to Consult your husband.

Oh. Oliver!

The ziffels are Here to insult you.

Oh, how are you, Mr. Ziffel, mrs. Ziffel?

Not very good, mr. Douglas.

No. What's the matter?

Darling, aren't you going To say hello to arnold?

Huh? Oh, hello, arnold.

We need your legal advice.

What's your problem?

Well, the problem is,

I want to shoot haney,

And doris won't let me.

Shoot haney?

Oh, he ain't gonna do it.

I ought to, though.

He's got a legal paper To attach arnold.

Oh, now, mr. Ziffel,

Wouldn't it be kind of Foolish to shoot mr. Haney

Just because of a pig?

Well, now, mr. Douglas,

He might be a pig to you,

But to us, he's just Like one of the family.

In fact, if we had a son,

We'd want him to Be just like arnold.

Yeah, he's got good manners,

And he's clean.

He's such a comfort to us.

Yeah, mr. Douglas,

He's a good pig.

He just sits there all day

And watches television.

Don't even bother us

To turn it on for him.

Are you trying to tell Me that arnold can...

What's that?

Now, arnold, nobody Gave you permission

To turn on the douglas' set.

Oh, that's all Right, mr. Ziffel.

No, it's not. Arnold, turn it off.

No, I'll turn it off.

You are gonna help us, Aren't you, mr. Douglas?

Why did mr. Haney attach arnold?

Well, he claims I owe him $122.

He must've gotten a Judgment against you.

I don't care what he got.

I don't owe him the money.

Yeah, we bought This sofa from him,

And the first time I Sat on it, it fell apart.

I bought a few things From mr. Haney myself.

Yes, like the farm, the house,

The tractor, the cows...

I know what I bought.

Then why don't we sue him?

Isn't there anything We can do, mr. Douglas?

We can appeal.

And as soon as I get Back from new york...

Oh, we can't wait.

If haney ever gets His hands on arnold,

Krrrr! Links on a dish.

Oh, fred, don't say that.

Darling, you must do something.

But we're leaving.

Not until you do something.

All right.

I'll go over and I'll Talk to mr. Haney.

You're welcome, arnold.

Oh, don't worry.

My husband will Get your son the pig

Out of trouble In no time at all.

Uh, just a minute.

Come in.

Well, mr. Douglas.

Mr. Haney.

Mr. Douglas, how would you like

To buy a genuine wormwood table?

No, thank you.

It's all handmade

By genuine peruvian worms.

I'm not interested.

I know what you're looking for.

This beautiful giant egg slicer.

That's a harp.

Correct. An egg slicer harp,

Made personal by Horace egg slicer,

The last of the Great harp makers.

Mr. Haney, I'm here On a legal matter.

Be glad to give You any advice I can.

Now, you just sit down

In this genuine Antique rocking chair.

I don't want to sit down...

You know, you're The first person

That's sat in that chair Since whistler's mother.

Mr. Haney,

I want to talk to You about arnold.

What about him?

I don't think it was right For you to attach him.

Well, that's just a Matter of opinion.

I sold fred ziffel a Sofa in good faith.

He didn't pay me in good faith,

So I attached Arnold in good faith.

So you can see the Whole thing happened

In good faith.

I don't consider it good faith

To attach a man's Most prized possession.

Well, now, that sofa Was pretty prized.

It was a genuine duncan p-phyfe.

Oh, come on.

Mr. Haney, I think

You misrepresented That sofa to mr. Ziffel,

And I'm going to advise him

To bring suit against You for fraud.

Mr. Douglas,

Do you know what you did?

You destroyed an irreplaceable

Piece of antiquity.

Oh. They were loose.

They didn't come off

When whistler's mother stood up.

You owe me $145.

You can glue 'em back on!

They're unglueable.

$145.

I don't owe you a thing!

Oh! You just killed

16 of my best peruvian worms!

I'll have to add another $12

To the 145.

Now, if you want to Make me out a check...

I don't want to Make you out a thing.

Good-bye, mr. Haney!

Fred, where's arnold?

I ain't gonna tell ya.

Mr. Ziffel,

You've got to turn Arnold over to the sheriff.

Otherwise, you'll be In contempt of court.

Yeah, you'd better Listen to mr. Douglas.

Now, is arnold in The house there?

I ain't sayin'.

All right. I'll go in And see for myself.

Just a minute. You Have a search warrant?

A sear... What's that?

Well, that's a warrant To search the premises.

Is he makin' that up, fred?

I don't know.

I don't think so, though.

He went to that fancy Law school... Hartford.

I never heard of it.

It's harvard.

I never heard of that, either.

Look, mr. Ziffel, I've got to leave.

Now, you turn arnold Over to the sheriff,

And when I come back,

We'll settle this whole Thing with mr. Haney.

Good-bye.

Fred, uh,

Is he a little... Tetched?

No, he's just a city fella.

Oh.

So, I told mr. Ziffel To turn the pig over

To the sheriff, but he refused.

I don't blame him For hiding arnold.

I didn't say he hid him.

Well, somebody said it.

You said it.

I did? Oh, that's where I must've heard it.

Lisa...

Do you know where arnold is?

How should I know?

I don't know.

I just thought maybe you might.

What's that?

I didn't hear anything.

Lisa, I...

I didn't hear it again.

All right, lisa,

Where is he?

Where is who? Arnold.

What's he doing here?

Who?

Him.

Oh, what a pretty Little pussycat.

The sheriff is looking for him.

You're harboring a fugitive.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to tell the Sheriff where he is.

You're a fink.

What?

I heard it on television.

You see, there was This gangster in chicago

Who was being Chased by eliot mess.

Eliot mess.

Yes, and then this other fellow

Told mr. Mess where The gangster was,

And his friend Called him a fink.

Now, if you tell It to the sheriff,

You're one of them.

Lisa, I'm an officer Of the court.

I am duty bound to turn him in.

How can you do This to the ziffels?

Their only son.

Look, he's not a Person. He's a a pig.

A pig is a person To another pig.

Lisa...

Now, if I were a pig, And you were a pig,

I would be a person To you, and vice versa.

I am not a pig!

No, you're a fink.

Whatever I am,

I have to turn him in.

Arnold...

Here, boy.

Come here, arnold. That's the stuff.

Suey! Suey!

Arnold?

Arnold, come on.

Come out of there.

Go back, arnold.

Arnold! Come on, Arnold. Come on.

Don't do it!

Lisa, you're Compounding a felony.

Come on.

Arnold, come on.

Arnold, co...

Ow!

Arnold! Where are you?

Arnold!

Come on, arnold, where...

Arnold, come here.

Here, piggy, piggy, piggy.

Arnold.

Arnold?

Did you find him?

Oliver: arnold, come on.

Arnold? Arnold?

He's gone.

Lisa!

What's the matter?

I'm stuck!

You're being punished

For being mean to arnold.

Who's punishing me?

Well, I don't want To mention any names.

Get eb!

All right. Now, don't go away!

Ow! Ohh!

Did you say something?

Yeah, will you Get off the board?

You're standing on my head!

Oh! Oh! Now, stay there.

I'll be right back.

Eb?

Oh, mr. Kimball.

Hell, mrs. Douglas. Is Mr. Douglas around?

Yes, he's under the house. Eb!

Oh, well, if he's busy, I'll come back tomorrow.

No, I can't come back tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow... Doing all the things

I forgot to do today. Heh. Whatever they are.

He is not busy. He's Stuck under the house.

Where is that eb?

Stuck, huh?

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

I guess I could say it.

I'm surprised.

I don't know why I Said I couldn't say it.

Mr. Kimball, will You please go in

And see if you can help Him? And I'll go and find eb.

Oh, be glad to. Eb!

Lisa!

Mr. Douglas?

Ow! Ow!

Oh, there you are.

You know you got A loose board here?

Mm!

Uhh! Cut that out, will ya?!

Get me out of here!

Right away. You ought to get

This thing fixed before Somebody gets hurt.

Well...

How are we doing?

We're not doing good at all!

Can you help me get out of here?

Of where?

Oh. Heh. You mean out of here.

I thought I gave you All those pamphlets

On safety first around the farm.

Now, if you'd have read them,

You wouldn't have Fallen in the bathtub?

I didn't fall in the bathtub!

Oliver! I got eb...

Ohh!

Don't worry, mr. Douglas. I'll get you out.

Oh! Ohh!

I think I know how To do it, mr. Douglas.

I'll crawl under And grab your legs,

Then mr. Kimball Can grab my legs

And pull us both out.

Well, that sounds Like a very sensible pl...

Well, not a sensible...

Well, why don't we try it?

Eb: ok, I've got his legs!

Start pullin'!

All right, pull!

Get... Ooh!

You only got half of him!

Darling, maybe... Oliver!

You're wearing those terrible

Polka dot shorts I don't like!

Ohh.

I've got it. The Fire department.

Stop your sireen!

Stop your bell!

In the bedroom!

The bedroom, men!

The fire department's here.

Better put your pants on!

Oh, mr. Haney, good to see you.

Well, it's not good to see you.

Never mind that! Where's the fire?

Fire? Oh, it's under The floor there!

More hose!

No, no! No, no!

Pressure!

No, mr. Haney!

Hey, ya fathead!

Turn that water off!

You idiot!

Distinguished members Of the supreme court,

Mr. Governor...

Come in!

Here's your trunk, mr. Douglas.

Oliver: yes, put it right there.

There you are. Thank you.

Thank you.

Distinguished members Of the supreme court...

Darling, how do You like my gown?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Uh, disting...

How do you like my shoes?

Uh...

Lovely, lovely.

Look, could you let me go Over my speech once more?

I'd like to make sure I've got the thing pat.

Distinguished members Of the supreme court,

Mr. Governor...

What'd you say?

I didn't say anything.

I thought you said something.

Distinguished members Of the supreme court,

Mr. Governor...

You said it again.

I didn't say it. The trunk said it.

The trunk?

Arnold! You're...

Lisa, did you put...

No, it was his idea.

What are we gonna do?

We can't keep him in a hotel...

Arnold, get out of there!

Get out from under... Arnold!

Arnold!

Now, come on, arnold. Come on, that's a good...

Hello?

Oh, hello, mr. Smead.

Oh, I'll see if I can get him.

He's under the Bed, talking to a pig.

What'd you have To tell him that for?

Oh, he'll be right Here. Hold on.

Hello, mr. Smead.

Yes, I know what she said, yes.

Well, when we opened the trunk,

Uh, we found arnold inside.

Arnold... That's the pig's name.

Yes. Arnold. Yes, Well, he's the son

Of a friend of ours, and...

Well, he's not their Son. No, he's a... He's a...

He's a...

Well, he's a very Unusual pig. He...

Arnold, turn off that tv.

Heh, arnold loves To turn on the tv.

He...

Yes, he's a pig. He...

Who's stoned?!

If that's the way You feel about it,

I'll bring him along with me!

Yes.

And that, ladies and gentlemen.

Is why we brought arnold Ziffel with us tonight.

As you can see, arn...

Arnold, where Did you get that...

Oh, they met in the bar.

In the bar?

Oh, it's perfectly all right.

Her mother introduced them.

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