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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

Alf: where'll we put it, ralph?

How about right here?

Yeah, I guess everybody Could see it there.

What's the matter?

The monroe brothers Are hammering.

Will you stop that hammering?!

Cut it out!

Did you hear something?

Like what?

Like mr. Douglas.

Nah, he's asleep.

What do you Suppose is doing that?

Termites. Heh!

You'd better go take a look.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

Darling, if you are going Outside to yell at them,

You'd better put on your robe.

Now look at... Howdy doody.

Don't howdy doody in our closet.

Sorry.

What's going on out there?

Alf's puttin' up a sign.

What kind of a sign?

A sign saying that him and me

Are remodeling your bedroom.

Well, I don't want A sign on the house.

Tell him to take it down.

Yes, sir.

Oh, is, uh, hanky Comin' over today?

Hanky?

Hank kimball, the county agent.

Oh.

Yes, he's coming over to discuss

Irrigating my corn.

Why do you want to Irritate your corn?

Irrigate. It's, uh... To put water on it.

Well, won't that irritate it?

No, it doesn't.

What time is he comin' over?

I don't know. Sometime this morning.

Can I borrow your lipstick?

No!

I'm talking to mrs. Douglas.

Yes. What color would you like?

Well, uh, what do you think Would look good on me?

Well, I think for Your complexion

Maybe... Maybe a tangerine red

Or a very soft pink.

How about an unemployment blue?

Now you get out there And tell your brother

To take that sign down.

Yes, sir.

How did I ever let Myself get involved

Letting these 2 Rebuild this room?

Sorehead wants the sign down.

What for? I don't know.

I ain't takin' it down.

He's talking about unemployment.

I'm takin' it down.

Sign's down.

But you made a hole in the wall.

Want me to put the sign back up?

No. Repair the hole. And while we're about it,

There are several Other things I want done.

Like what?

Like finishing the bedroom.

What's wrong with it?

I've told you a dozen times.

Oh, we don't take notes.

Well, make some.

I'll get a hunk of paper.

You don't happen To know what time

Mr. Kimball's comin' Over today, do you?

No, I don't.

I'll get you your lipstick.

I got the paper. Shoot.

Don't tempt me.

Now, first of all...

Here's your lipstick.

Oh.

Oh, it's a pretty shade.

Do you mind?

First of all, the closet door.

What about it?

Well, don't you See the way it falls

When you open it?

Oh, you want it to Fall the other way.

No, I don't want It to fall at all.

One closet door not to Fall in either direction.

Check.

And I want the Fireplace finished.

One fireplace finished.

Uh, how do you Spell "Fireplace"?

Uh, f-I...

I don't care how you spell it.

I just don't want To make any mistakes

And throw you into another rage.

I'm not in a rage! Ah-ah.

And another thing...

I want a wall in the Back of the closet.

A wall on the Back of the closet?

I guess it's a fetish with him.

Gets pretty hot around Here in the summer.

With the wall out, you'd Get a good cross ventilation.

If it gets hot,

I'll put in an air conditioner.

One air conditioner. Check!

No, no! I don't want You to put it in!

Oh. Scratch the air conditioner.

Scratchin' one air conditioner.

How do you spell "Scratch"?

Uh, s-k...

I don't know how you...

Look, just get all These things done!

Right? Right!

I wonder if hanky is that cranky

In the morning.

Are you sweet on mr. Kimball?

Oh, listen to that, will you?

She sounds like a rusty saw Going through a knothole.

Alf!

You hit me, and I'll tell Mom, and you'll get it.

Now, don't be mean To your sister,

Even though she is your brother.

You'd think she Could find somebody

Better than that kimball.

I wouldn't want a guy like That for a brother-in-law.

What's wrong with him?

You ever listen to The way he talks?

"Good mornin'. Well, It's not a good mornin'.

"Well, it's not a Bad mornin', either.

It's, uh..." drivin' me nuts.

Come on, darling.

Now, don't pay any Attention to him.

I was the only one in our family

Who liked mr. Douglas.

Well, hanky is no mr. Douglas.

How serious are You about mr. Kimball?

I'm gonna marry him.

Of course, he don't know it yet.

Well, that's the best way.

Mr. Douglas didn't know

That I was going to marry him

Till we went to The license bureau.

He thought I was going to get

A driver's license.

But then I explained it to him

That the driver's License cost $5,

And the marriage License cost $2,

So if he marries Me, he'll save $3.

And then, of course, I could drive his car.

That was very smart.

You can always appeal to a man

Through his pocketbook.

Oh.

Howdy doody, mr. Kimball.

Howdy doody, mr. Kimball.

Oh, good morning.

Well, it's not a good morning.

It's not a bad morning, either.

It's more of a, uh...

Where'd you get the fat lip?

Run into a door or somethin'?

You seen mr. Douglas around?

Yeah, he's in the house.

Oh, thank you.

Heh heh heh.

Ah, mr. Kimball. Good morning.

Ah, mr. Douglas, sir. I, uh, brought over

Some pamphlets on Irritating your corn.

That's a little joke The chief made up.

Well, he didn't make it up,

But his wife probably...

No, he could have made it up.

He says some funny Things sometimes.

I'm sure he does. Come On in. Have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you. Yes.

Oh, I beg your...

Did you want something?

No.

Say, you'd better put a Little bandage on that.

You sure wasted A lot of lipstick.

He didn't even notice you.

Well, don't worry. He will.

Now, as the bulletin Clearly states...

Well, it doesn't clearly state.

It kind of hints that There are 3 methods

For irrigating... Corn.

The first is...

Mr. Kimball,

Would you like to have Some more what's-it?

Oh, no, thank you. This is fine.

Well, it isn't fine.

It's certainly got A nice body to it.

What is that?

Well, we ran out of coffee,

But I found a can on the shelf.

Of what?

Well, I don't know.

It didn't have a label on it.

Oh, well.

Mr. Kimball, what About the 3 methods?

Of what?

Of irrigating!

Oh. Heh. Well, first There's the furrow method.

That's where they dig Furrows between the corn

And they fill it with Water, and then the corn...

Well, the corn knows What to do with the water.

Uh, mr. Kimball,

You're not married, are you?

Married? No, I Don't believe I, uh...

No, I guess I'm not. Now, The second method...

Do you have a steady girlfriend?

Uh, no, I don't.

Now, the second method

Is known as the Sprinkler system.

You lay this pipe and you Have these sprinklers,

And these sprinklers go...

Pshh! Pshh! Pshh!

How come that a man Who can imitate a sprinkler

As well as you Can isn't married?

Well, I...

Mr. Kimball,

There are lots of lovely girls

Who would make You a wonderful wife.

Howdy doody.

What are you bringing that plank

Through here for?

She came to show It to mr. Kimball.

Oh, it's very nice, ralph.

Would you like to have A cup of coffee, ralph?

I'd love some. Would you hold this?

Here, take it outside

Where it belongs.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye, mr. Kimball. Ha ha.

What was all that about?

What was all what about?

Isn't she a lovely Girl, mr. Kimball?

Lisa, could we get back

To talking about irrigation?

All right.

Now,

The, uh, third method

Is one that was used by Farmers for generations.

It's known as rain.

Rain?

Yes, that's that stuff

That comes out of Those dark, black clouds.

I know about...

Oh, look who is here Carrying a ladder.

Ralph, the unmarried Lady carpenter.

Mr. Kimball,

Is there anything You'd like to climb?

Well, no, I...

Well, why don't you? It's good exercise.

Ralph, would you take the ladder

Out of here, please?

Yes, sir.

For you.

Thank you.

Some man is going To be very lucky

Marrying a lady carpenter

Who can fix things Around the house.

Lisa, will you stop trying

To promote a romance?

A romance? I Mean, between, um...

And me? Heh heh.

Well, I, uh,

Think I'd better Be moseying along.

Well, not moseying. I'd better be running.

Ohh, you stay, mr. Kimball.

I want to talk to You face to face.

Lisa.

What do you think of ralph?

Oh, I think he's a very nice...

Or, she's a...

Do you mind if I ask you A personal question?

No.

Do you have a new Suit for the wedding?

Wedding?

Lisa, if he wants to marry her,

He'll ask her himself.

He will? I'll tell her!

Wait a minute. Wait.

But she's a very nice girl.

Girl? It's kind of hard To think of ralph as a...

Well, it's not Hard. It's impossible.

Have you ever seen her With her overalls off?

Lisa.

I mean, with her Dress on instead.

Oh, I would imagine She'd look, uh...

No, I don't think she would.

But how would I introduce Her to my friends?

I mean, how can I Explain to people

That I'm going with A girl named ralph?

Well, if that's the only thing

That stands in the Way of romance,

I'll fix it.

So, it will be a wonderful idea

If we change your name.

Change my name? Yes.

What's wrong with monroe?

No, no, no. The other name.

Oh. Oh, he doesn't like ralph?

No.

Well, it has been Kind of a handicap.

Every time I have a blind date,

A girl shows up.

Then you will change your name.

Sure, but how do I do it?

Oh, I'll take care of it.

Change her name?

Yes, darling.

You learned how to do that

In harvard's law school.

Yeah, among other things.

Well, then you'll do it?

What do you want to Change your name to?

How about imogene?

No. How about henrietta?

No, no.

How about irving?

Oh, no, no. I got an Aunt named irving.

Oh, I know. My All-time favorite...

Sophia loren.

That's lovely. Sophia.

Sophia monroe.

The petitioner wishes To change his name

From ralph to sophia?

That's right, your honor.

The petition clearly suggests

That the petitioner...

Is ralph monroe in court?

Uh, yes, your honor.

Please, madam, let Him answer for himself.

Your honor, uh, let me explain.

She is answering for himse...

Uh, her-herself.

You see, he... Uh, She is ralph monroe.

Oh, I see.

Well, you see, your honor,

Ralph wants to change her name

Because she's in Love with this fellow,

And he doesn't want to marry her

Because he says when 2 people get married,

One of them should be a girl.

May I point out,

The circumstances Are clearly outlined

In the petition.

Yes, it's very well written.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, mr. Douglas, I don't believe

I've ever seen you In my court before.

Uh, no, sir,

I've only practiced in new york.

Oh, new york.

Yes, sir.

Counselor, if you Had taken the trouble

To find out, our State does not have

A reciprocal agreement With new york state.

Therefore, your credentials

Are not acceptable.

Your are not authorized

To practice law in this state.

Well, but, your honor...

The petition is denied.

Does that mean I can't Get my name changed?

If you get an accredited lawyer

To file for you.

Well, I don't want an Accredited lawyer.

I want mr. Douglas!

Ohh!

Oh, now you see What you've done?

You made her cry. Ohh.

Order.

Madame, may I remind you

You're in a court of a law?

I could fine you for contempt.

Your honor, my wife didn't...

Oh, darling! Don't hit him.

Hit me?

Like he hit the other judge

When he was yelling at me.

You hit a judge?

I didn't hit him.

No, I was reaching Across. He leaned forward.

Well, his nose was bleeding.

Lisa, please!

Mr. Douglas, if you would like

To practice law in this state,

You'll have to take Our bar examination.

Your honor, I took The exam in new york.

Then you shouldn't Have too much trouble

Passing ours.

When do I get my name changed?

As soon as I pass the bar exam.

if you pass.

Court dismissed.

Hit a judge, eh?

You were an Attorney in new york?

That's right.

Care to tell me why You were disbarred?

I was not disbarred.

Well, you try hittin' A judge in this state...

I did not hit a judge.

Look, all I want to do Is to take the bar exam.

What college did You graduate from?

Harvard.

Oh?

Well, I've got a directory Here somewhere

Of all the accredited colleges.

Certainly you don't Have to look up harvard.

How do I know there Is such a school?

Well, take my word for it.

Oh, here it is.

"Harvard school of chiropody"?

Sorry, that won't Qualify you for...

There's another one there.

There is? Oh, yes.

"Harvard school of hypnotism."

If you think you're Gonna hypnotize me...

Here. "Harvard university."

Oh. New school?

No, it's one of the Oldest in the country.

It's graduated Supreme court justices,

Senators, presidents.

Harvard, huh?

Well, I guess we Can accept them.

Thank you. Now, when Could I take this exam?

Well, I reckon we can arrange

For you to take it in september.

September?

Well, I don't think You'll be ready

To take the one that's Coming up next week.

Oh, I think I could.

All right.

Next week at the state capital.

Meantime, fill out This application,

Get a transcript of Your school credits,

And a letter of reference

From your old law firm.

All right. Thank you.

And, uh, one more thing.

Where a short-sleeve Shirt for the exam.

What?

That way there'll be no question

About writin' on the cuffs.

Oh, mr. Douglas.

Not now, mr. Haney. I'm in a hurry.

I heard you was tryin' To get un-disbarred.

Un-disba...

You never should Have hit the governor.

It was a judge, and It was an accident.

How bad was his arm broke?

It was his nose, and It just bled a little.

Now, I've got to Send a telegram.

Need some help with Your application?

Need some pencils? No.

Pens? No.

Short sleeve shirts?

Mr. Haney, I don't Want to buy anything

You have to sell.

Sure hope he passes...

Or I'll be stuck with this Four-dollar sign I made.

Telegram, huh?

Yes.

Let me see if I Can find a blank.

Uh, where's this goin'?

New york city... My old law firm.

Oh, how do they feel About you being disbarred?

Mr. Drucker, I Was not disbarred.

Here we are.

Hi, sam. Hi, mr. Douglas.

Hi, joe. Hello, mr. Carson.

Now, the telegram...

You got any pipe tobacco, sam?

Uh, yeah.

Fill this pipe.

Joe, I can't open a Package for one pipeful.

You gotta buy the whole thing.

How much is it?

15 cents.

You a pipe smoker, mr. Douglas?

Uh, no, I don't smoke.

Like to learn?

Look, mr. Carson,

I'm trying to send A telegram here.

Anybody I know?

I don't think so.

Now, who's the Telegram goin' to?

The telegram is going To felton, o'connell, clay,

Blakely, harmon, Dillon and pastor.

425 south madison avenue.

All them fellers live together?

Must be a pretty Big boardin' house.

Joe!

Sorry.

Now, the message is,

"Kindly send resumé

"Of my legal Experience with firm.

"Also would Appreciate transcript

"Of my scholastic Credits at harvard.

Need them for state bar exam."

Did you go to harvard?

Ah, yes.

Like to take a look at my corns?

What?

Ah, don't tell me you forgot

All that chiropody you studied.

Mr. Carson, I studied

At the harvard school of law.

Now, mr. Drucker,

Will you get that right off?

I'll be glad to. Thank you.

And good luck With your bar exams.

Thank you very much.

If you pass, I got a Case you can handle...

I'm suin' the government.

What for, nonsupport?

Mr. Carson, if I Pass my bar exam,

I'll be glad to handle Your case for you.

Wonder why he was disbarred.

Can I sharpen your pencil?

No, no, it's all right. Thank you very much.

Well, is there anything I can do for you?

Thank you, no.

Are you going to Stay up all night?

Lisa, I've got to be left alone.

I've only got a week To bone up on this exam.

That's very nice of You to do this for ralph.

Oh, I'm not doing it for ralph.

Well, then why are you doing it?

While I was in court today, It suddenly occurred to me

That I miss practicing law.

You want to go back to new york?

No.

But I thought it might be nice

To practice law out here.

You know, in new york,

Uh, my practice was Mainly corporational.

That's big business. But out here,

I'd be dealing with the people.

The same kind of law that Abraham lincoln practiced...

Country law. Grass roots law.

The little cases that You never seen a law book,

But they get into The bulk of the...

Darling, are you going to make

One of those long speeches?

Because if you do,

You won't have time to study.

Out! Out!

Darling, good luck With your exam.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, don't... Wait a moment.

I have a surprise for you.

I made it myself.

What is this?

A shirt sleeve Shorts for the exam.

A shirt sleeve...

Yes, I made it out Of your best shirt.

I appreciate that.

Oh, darling, it's beautiful.

Yeah, I practically stole it

From haney for $15.

I'm gonna put it on The front porch.

Oh, it's going to be very nice.

Was the exam hard?

Oh, there were a couple Of tricky questions.

Howdy doody.

I thought I told You to fix that.

Well, never mind. Look, We can go to court

Any time you're ready now.

What for?

Change your name.

I don't want to change my name.

Well, what about mr. Kimball?

What about him?

Is he going to marry You named ralph?

Oh. Oh, I broke off The engagement

Before it even got started.

I found myself a new fella.

He's a mechanic

Over at the crabwell Corners garage.

Want to meet him? He's right outside.

Yes.

Come on in, honey.

May I present my Fiancé mr. Betts?

Evelyn, this is...

Evelyn?

Evelyn betts.

Darling, isn't that nice?

Evelyn and ralph.

They got the right names, But in different clothes.

Ooh.

Lisa.

I can't open the door.

I know. It's locked.

Well, open it.

I don't know whether I should or shouldn't.

Why not?

Well, your lawyer's license

Isn't any good in this state.

How do I know that Our marriage license is?

Of course, if you Want to take an exam...

Well...

If I have to.

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