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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

Both: ♪ green acres, We are there ♪

What you got there?

The new phone book. I Just finished printing them.

Ahh. Let me see one of them.

My name ain't in here.

Right there it Is. "Smoot, floyd."

My name is floyd smoot.

You printed it backwards again.

Floyd...

They did the same thing to you.

You're "Pratt, charley."

Floyd, that's the way you...

Well, good morning, gentlemen.

Morning, mr. Douglas.

Morning. Hey, mr. Douglas.

Sam, I want this changed.

It can't be changed.

It can, too. Can't It, mr. Douglas?

Huh? What's wrong, mr. Smoot?

That's what's wrong.

I'm not mr. Smoot Anymore. I'm mr. Floyd.

What?

The new phone Book just came out.

Yeah, they put all The names backwards.

See? "Smoot, floyd."

Well, that's the Way they print them.

Alphabetically. Makes it easier to find.

I don't know how You figure that.

If a man is lookin' For floyd smoot,

He don't look up smoot floyd.

Oh, by the way, Congratulations, mr. Douglas.

What for?

For your new listing.

Oh! "Douglas, oliver wendell."

Attorney-at-law?

Shouldn't that be "Law-at-attorney"?

Who put this in, Attorney-at-law?

Your wife did. She gave me An extra 15 cents for that.

I'll pay you a quarter

If you change my name Back to floyd smoot.

Will you be quiet?

Look, mr. Drucker, if It's all the same to you,

I'd just as soon not be Listed as attorney-at-law.

Now, is there any Way we can remove it?

Not in this edition.

I'd be glad to leave It out of the next one.

Oh, when does that come out?

Uh, 1972.

Lisa, I want to talk to you.

Uh... What are you doing?

Separating the Whites from the jokes.

Separating? I'm making a cake.

Darling, would you Please put this in the oven?

In the oven?

Yes. The cookbook Says that the oven

Should be heated To 325 degrees "F."

This is a fever thermometer.

Well, that's what An "F" stands for.

No, no. "F" stands For fahrenheit.

When a person is sick, then...

What are you doing?

Like the book said, I'm shifting the flour.

Sifting. There's no "H" in it.

How do you zift?

There's no "Z" in it, either.

Come over here, will you please?

I want to talk to You. Now sit down.

What is it? Sit down.

Now, I came home to ask you

Why you put this In the phone book.

"Douglas, oliver wendell."

They always put it Backwards. You see?

"Smoot, floyd. Pratt, charley."

When you look up a Name, it's easier that way.

I understand that.

Then what's the problem?

I want to know why

You listed me as An attorney-at-law.

Do you know how to fold an egg?

I asked you a question.

What was it? How do you fold...

Why did you list me As attorney-at-law?

You always had it listed That way in new york

And it only cost 15 cents more, so I...

I didn't want it listed that way In the hooterville directory.

Why not?

Because I didn't come Out here to practice law.

Maybe alice would Know how to fold an egg.

Alice?

Well, she's a chicken.

Why don't you ask her?

Where is she?

Aww, now... Look, Let me explain to you

Why I don't want To be in the book.

Up to now, I've Soft-pedaled the fact

That I'm an attorney.

Now that it's in the book, Everybody in the valley

Will be calling me, wanting Me to represent them,

I won't have any Time to do my farming!

Well, I am...

No, look, the phone will Be going day and night.

I'll be up and down that Pole every 5 minutes.

Why don't you call The phone company

And get an unlisted pole?

They don't have unlisted poles.

I am sorry, darling, but It does look so pretty.

Yes, but...

And you are pretty, too.

Now, don't try to get around me.

You shouldn't have done That without asking me.

All right, when the Phone rings, you answer it.

Don't bother me. And Just tell whoever it is

That I'm not interested In practicing law.

Maybe it's something important.

I came out here to get away

From people and Their legal problems.

I just want to be a farmer.

All right, you'll be a farmer,

And I'll be a cake maker.

Fine!

Do you think I could use a book?

What for?

To put the egg In it and fold it.

Ralph, darling!

Howdy doody.

Hey, what are you doing?

Alf: playing casino.

Playing casino? Well, that's very nice,

But you're supposed to Be building the bedroom!

I'm building eights.

I'm building tens.

Well, I'm not paying You to play cards.

The only reason we stopped work

Is 'cause the new Phone book came out.

What is this, some kind Of holiday around here?

What's the phone book got to...

Oh, darling, excuse me.

Ralph, darling, do you Know how to fold an egg?

Into what?

A cake.

Oh, no, I only took Woodshop in school.

I never took cookin'.

I did. What do you want to know?

I want to know why You're not working!

We explained that to you.

It's 'cause of the New phone book.

I don't see the connection!

Well, you're listed as a lawyer.

Yes.

So we thought Maybe you'd want us

To add an office Onto the bedroom.

No, I don't.

We can build a lawyer Stand right near the road.

I have... A lawyer stand?

Yeah. That's just Like a fruit stand

Except you sell law.

You see what you've done?

They want to build Me a lawyer stand,

The phone is ringing Every minute...

It hasn't rung once.

Don't worry, it will.

Now, you get back to work.

Alf, darling, do you really Know how to fold an egg?

Yes, ma'am. I got B+ in egg-foldin'.

Come with me!

Morning, counselor!

Oh, you saw the phone book.

Yes, sir. It's the biggest Thing that's happened

In the valley since The mail order catalog

Came out with the men's Underwear ads in full color.

Well, I bet that Was a big event.

They closed the schools.

Oh, come on.

They had to. It was saturday.

Eb, please.

What are you doing?

I'm fixing the wheel.

What are you doing that for

If you're going back Into law practice?

Look, I'm not...

Glad to hear you've Come to your senses,

Giving up farming to do Something you know how to do.

I am not going back Into law practice.

Then why did you spend 15 cents to get listed?

Mrs. Douglas did That. I wish she hadn't.

That phone will Be ringing all day.

Get any calls yet?

No, but it won't be long.

There! That fixes it.

What was wrong with it?

Oh, every time I Went over a bump

The wheel would come Off in my hands like...

This stupid tractor!

I wouldn't yell At it if I was...

I'll yell at it if I want to!

It's very sensitive.

It always used to do that When mr. Haney yelled at it.

It's about time I started Yelling at mr. Haney.

Mr. Haney...

Oh, you drove your Tractor over here!

That's a good idea, taking The steering wheel off

So's nobody can steal it.

Steal it? Anybody Wants to steal that

They're welcome to it.

Oh, I guess you Won't be needing it

Now that you've given up farming

To practice law.

Mr. Haney, I...

I saw your listing In the phone book.

No matter what you saw Listed in the phone book,

I am not practicing law.

Then why are the monroe brothers

Building you a law office?

They're not building Me a law office

Or a lawyer's stand.

What's that?

It's like a fruit stand Except you sell law.

I never heard of that.

Did you have one Of them in new york?

No, I didn't.

I came over here To talk to you...

Got it right here! Come on.

Be careful through here.

Yes, it's...

Don't step on that accordion.

There. It's a frame For your di-ploma.

I don't need a frame...

It matches the rest of the set.

What set?

This here genuine lawyer's desk.

Once the property Of one of the greatest

Legal minds in this country.

You've heard of the Famous monkey trial?

Yes.

Just look at the Initials carved there.

"C.D." are you trying to tell me

That this desk once Belonged to clarence darrow?

No, clyde dinglehoffer.

Look, mr. Haney, I came Over here to ask you

For my money back on That tractor you sold me.

Well, what's wrong with it?

What's wrong?!

The steering wheel Came off for one thing!

Oh, well, I can let you Have this one for $2.00.

That's the one I brought over!

Do I get my money back or not?

Well, let's see now,

How much did you Pay me for that?

$75!

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I can let you have $8.00 on that tractor

Towards the purchase Of this magnificant

Chair, desk, and di-ploma frame.

Mr. Haney, I'm gonna Sue you for that tractor

And for every bit of defective Equipment you've sold me.

Mr. Douglas, do I detect a note

Of disappointment in your voice?

Yes, you do!

Well, I don't want any Unhappy customers.

If you'll just make out a List of your grievances...

All right. I haven't got Anything to write with.

Would you care to buy a pen?

When I do make out my list,

You'll find them In the complaint

That I'm going to File with the court.

Mr. Douglas! Where Did you park your car?

Out in front of your house.

Then I'll validate Your parking ticket.

I haven't got one.

Well, in that case, It'll be 15 cents.

I'll just take this For my diploma.

That'll bring us out even.

He must've been Taking haney lessons.

Hello, honey.

Darling, where were You? I was looking for you.

Oh, you got some Messages for me.

I told you the phone...

No phone calls, no messages.

Oh, come on. There Must have been.

No, the phone didn't ring.

That's impossible.

I thought you Didn't want it to ring.

I didn't want it to, but You put that thing...

Was that the telephone?

No. Am I doing this right?

I don't know. What Are you doing?

This is going to Be a pound cake,

And I'm trying to weigh It so it weighs a pound,

But every time it Starts to weigh 2 pounds.

That means the Bowl weighs 2 pounds.

I never thought of that.

Sure. If you want to Make a one-pound cake,

You got to add enough Batter to the bowl

So that the whole Thing weighs 3 pounds.

For one pound cake? That doesn't make sense.

It doesn't have to Be a one-pound cake.

That's just the Name of the cake.

You can make it weigh as Many pounds as you wish.

Why aren't I as smart as you?

You don't have to be Smart. You're pretty.

Yep. Pretty smart?

Nope. Smarter than you?

Do you know how to fold an egg?

No.

I do. Alf taught me.

You let an egg Fry for 10 minutes,

When it gets hard, you fold it.

I don't think that's The right way.

Alf got b+ in egg folding.

He probably Cheated on his exams.

Was that the phone?

I haven't heard anything.

You sure?

It didn't ring.

It will.

Who's there?

Oh, come in. Hank kimball.

Hello, mr. Douglas.

Hey, your wife said You were in here.

Well, she didn't say You were in here,

She said you were out Here... Wherever you are.

Whew. Say...

This is quite a law Office you're building.

Smart move, giving up Farming to practice law.

I'm not giving up farming.

Oh, then it isn't a Very smart move.

It's a very... No, it Isn't that, either.

What are you gonna Do with this law office?

It's not a law office.

Ohh! You going to practice law

From one of those Roadside stands?

I know a doctor over At steuben bluffs

Has a doctor stand.

Very interesting.

What is? Oh, the doctor stand.

Yes, on a sick day, he's Got cars piled up for miles.

Well, not for miles.

There was sure a lot Of them piled up, though.

It was quite an accident.

Lucky thing it happened Near the doctor stand.

I suppose your phone's Been ringing all morning, too.

Too?

I paid for one of those Fancy listings like yours.

Of course, mine didn't Say "Attorney-at-law."

It said "Kimball, Hank... County agent."

It's amazing how many People notice things like that.

Last count, I had 87 calls.

87?!

Of course, that Doesn't count the 4 times

The phone rang while I was in the bathtub.

Or was it the shower? No, it was the bathtub.

I don't have a shower.

87 calls?!

How many times did they Get you out of the shower?

Or do you prefer a tub?

It's interesting how many people

Prefer a bathtub to a shower.

Take my mother-in-law.

Oh, the phone!

What about it?

It's ringing!

I guess it's been doing That all morning, huh?

Lucky thing you weren't In the shower or the tub

Or whichever you prefer.

Hello?

Yes, this is mr. Douglas.

Mr. Kiley? Oh, well... Yeah, you saw it, eh?

Well, I really don't want To go back into law practice,

But if I can be of Any assist... What?

Mr. Kimball, it's for you.

Oh, that makes 88.

I had my mother transfer All my calls over here.

Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, this is kimball, Hank, your county agent,

As listed in the latest edition

Of the hooterville Telephone directory. Ha ha!

Ahem. Yes, mr. Kiley?

What? Oh, he did?

Well, I suggest you come Over to the house tonight

And I'll dictate a brief

And we'll file suit first Thing tomorrow morning

In the pixley superior court.

Yeah. In the meantime,

I wouldn't discuss The case with anyone.

Bye-bye. Well, thank you.

Wait a second. Were you Giving him legal advice?

Legal advice?

No, I wasn't giving Him legal advice.

I was giving him... Yes, I guess I was.

Well, thanks for The use of the phone.

Oh, that's all right.

Well, if I get any more calls,

I'll be over at the crabwell Corners municipal court.

I'm trying to get the judge

To give me a change Of venue for...

Venue's a legal Term. It means...

I know what it Means! I studied law.

Oh, hey, I forgot.

Well, see you in court.

Darling, will you help Me put this in the oven?

What have you got in There, a turkey... Ooh!

The cake!

The pound cake?

You told me it doesn't Have to be one pound,

So I made it 20 pounds.

You don't cook a cake in...

Well, what difference Does it make?

Open the oven.

Why are you so grumpy?

I am not grumpy!

That was grumpy!

Obviously you don't Want me to bake the cake.

I don't care.

You're grumpy at the Phone because it didn't ring.

I'm not grumpy. Just disappointed.

Now that everybody Knows that I'm a lawyer,

You'd think that Somebody would call.

But you don't want Anybody to call you.

I know it, but now That it's in the book,

It seems that... Was that the phone?

I don't think so.

Oh, your pride is hurt.

Maybe it is.

In new york, I Was in big demand.

No! You want to go back?

You want to kiss me? No!

You want to answer the phone?

No!

It's ringing.

The... The phone is ringing!

Mr. Douglas, the Phone's ringing.

I heard it!

What? Eb: mr. Douglas!

The phone's ringing.

I know! Howdy doody!

Oh, honey... Phone's ringing.

I know! Let me by!

I can't! I'm stuck!

Ahh...

Ain't you gonna Answer the phone?

I'm trying to!

Who was it? I don't know yet.

The phone's still ringing.

I know!

Don't slam the door! You'll ruin the cake!

Hello?

Mr. Douglas? Yes.

This is harry bleedswell Over at pixley.

I just got my new phone book.

I see you're an attorney.

That's right.

I'd like to come Over and talk to you.

Well, perhaps I can squeeze You in later in the week.

I thought maybe you Could make it today.

It's very important.

Well, uh...

I'd appreciate It if you'd let me

Come over in about an hour.

You better make it half hour.

Thank you.

Lisa! I got my first case!

Honey...

Darling, would you Please help me close this?

A little later, please.

I want you to meet Mr. Bleedswell.

He's the man who called me.

My wife... Mrs. Douglas.

Hello, mr. Bleedswell.

How do you do?

Sit down, please. We'll have some coffee.

No, thank you.

Would you like to Have a piece of cake?

I have a whole oven full of it.

No, I came just for business.

Sit down. Thank you.

Now, about your case...

Well, it isn't exactly a case.

Now, I'm the attorney.

Please let me decide whether We've got a case or not.

I'm with the pixley Chamber of commerce.

Perhaps I'd better Take some notes.

Oh, yes. Could I have a Pad and a pencil, please?

Yes, darling.

Uh, continue.

Well, every year, we put on...

Here you are, sweetheart.

Thank you. Could you Do something with that?

Yes, darling.

Go ahead.

Every year we have The pixley pageant.

Pixley pageant.

It's a big celebration. A parade and a picnic,

And we put out a special Souvenir bulletin...

Souvenir bulletin...

Could we get to The point, please?

I saw your name in the Phone book for the first time,

And being as how You're new around here,

I thought you'd like To take out an ad

And let the folks know You're an attorney.

An ad?!

Is something burning?

My husband.

No, besides me.

Oh, darling! My cake!

Ooh!

Darling, here, here.

It's all right.

My cake didn't burn too much.

Something's still burning.

My hat!

Oh! I'm sorry!

Oh, you're sorry? You ruined it!

Ohh, of all the...

Oh, all right, she Said she was sorry.

Now, if you hadn't Said you had a case,

This thing wouldn't Have happened.

I never said I had a case!

But I can say it now!

Oh, you poor, poor fellow.

Don't touch me!

I ought to sue you For a burned hat... Ohh!

And whatever I broke.

Mr. Bleedswell!

Mr. Bleedswell, please!

Wait a minute!

Oh, mr. Bleedswell.

Here, let me help You. I'm so sorry.

Are you hurt?

Why don't you look...

My car! Ooh!

I'm suing him and you and you!

And anybody else Who's around here!

You just do that! Have Your attorney call me!

I'm in the book! Douglas, oliver wendell!

Ah, here it is. lawson v. Holmes.

This is very similar To ralph's case.

It seems that this workman Accidentally hit this...

Then he can't sue ralph.

Well, he could sue her, But with the defense

I've got planned, it wouldn't...

What about mr. Haney?

Mr. Haney's all right, Because I remember a case

In the new york supreme...

My first cake.

Yes, yes.

You see, darling, How clever I was

To put in the phone Book "Attorney-at-law"?

Otherwise, the man wouldn't Have come over for an ad

And nothing would Have happened to him

And you wouldn't Have had 2 cases.

Yes, that's one Way of looking at it.

Here, have some cake.

I'm not very...

Come on, try it.

Ahem. Heh heh.

Oh, thank you.

I was looking all over for that.

Lisa, that could be Considered criminal negligence.

There was a fella in boston Stuck his fork in a pie...

So that's where that went.

Yes, are you missing Anything else?

I can't find the salt shaker.

You...

Oh. Thank you.

What else?

Well, one of my Earrings are missing.

Your earrings. Well, I...

This one?

Yes, darling. Thank you.

Anything else?

The frying pan.

Lisa, please!

Well done, darling. You Can go ahead and eat it.

There's only cake left.

I'm not hungry.

Besides, there's Something I've got to do.

What?

I've got to go Frame my di-ploma.

Darling?

Are you missing a necktie?

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