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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Here's your corn Flakes, children.

There you are.

Don't walk in your Breakfast, darlings.

Who are you talking to?

To alice's children.

Children? Uh-huh.

Shirley, dorothy, Mary ann, yvonne,

That one there I Think is a marvin.

How do you keep Their names straight?

I don't have to. They Do it themselves.

Watch. Dorothy...

You see?

Yeah, but how do you Know that's dorothy?

Why should she answer To somebody else's name?

Darling, how many eggs Do you want for breakfast?

2. Oh, dear.

I only ordered 3.

One for you, one For me, and one for eb.

Lisa, you don't order Eggs from a chicken.

You know what... What?

Alice, if it isn't Too much trouble,

Could we have just One more egg, please?

Would you like to have a White one or a brown one?

Lisa, a hen doesn't Lay eggs on cue.

Just because you Ask her to lay an egg,

Doesn't mean she's Gonna... But there it is!

How do you do that?

Well, I didn't do That. Alice did it.

Oh, you've got the milkin' pail?

Oh, yeah. No, no, If you don't mind,

I'm gonna milk Eleanor today myself.

That shook her up.

Darling, don't you Think it would be better

If eb would milk eleanor today?

I gotta learn.

Don't you think you oughta have

One more lesson On a rubber glove?

I am gonna milk Eleanor this morning.

Would you like to Come and watch?

Darling, don't you think It's rather personal?

Personal?

Anyway, I have to get dressed.

When are you going to Drive me into hootersville?

Lisa, it's hooter-ville.

When did they change it?

I'm not going into hooterville.

You promised to take me.

What for?

I have to have my hair done.

Because there's a meeting

For the every other Wednesday afternoon

Discussion club today.

Because today is the Every other wednesday

When they discuss today.

Well, I'll take you in Just as soon as I can.

At 12:00? I don't know.

At 1:00? Maybe.

At 2:00?

All right. 2:00.

That will be too late.

You tell me when.

1:00 is perfect.

Thank you, alice.

But I really wasn't Talking to you.

All right. This right?

Yeah, that's Where the action is.

Easy... You ain't pullin' taffy.

I'm... I'm sorry, eleanor.

It's all in the way You use your fingers.

Watch.

Hey...

All right.

All right.

You drained her.

Keep tryin'.

Hey!

Keep milkin'.

Mr. Douglas, I think You've made a friend.

How are you, mr. Kimball?

Fine. Well, not really fine.

I didn't sleep well.

No, I was worried about...

What was I worried about?

Well, now I won't Get any sleep tonight

Worrying about what I was worried about.

But that's no Worry of yours, is it?

Oh, where'd you get the milk?

Hey, I milked Eleanor this morning.

Bet you had to use a Little pull to get it, huh?

Ha ha ha!

Look, I'll put the Milk in the house,

Then you come out in The fields with me, huh?

Sure. All right.

What for?

You said you'd come over Today and tell me how

To fertilize my wheat.

Certainly.

That's what we county Agents are here for.

Of course, that's not

The only reason we're here.

We have a baseball team, too.

That's very interesting.

Yes, the chief insists That we keep fit.

Like he said to Me the other day,

"Mildred," he said.

Mildred?

Ah, I guess he was Talking to my mother.

He couldn't have been Talking to my mother.

Her name is sarah.

I wonder why he Called me mildred.

Oh, I see alice is Hard at work there.

Oh, oh, oh, mr. Kimball.

Let me show you something.

Alice, one egg, please.

That's a very good trick.

Does she do any others?

It always works With mrs. Douglas.

Well, I guess a human being

Follows directions better.

No, I didn't mean it that way.

Mrs. Douglas tells her How many eggs she wants,

And alice lays them.

Oh. Mrs. Perkins used To talk to her chickens.

Oh?

No, she talked to boll weevils.

Oh, she had long Conversations with 'em.

They discussed everything.

A very remarkable woman.

I wonder if her Husband still goes up

And visits her on the weekends.

Alice, one egg.

Well, mr. Douglas, this is One of the finest-looking...

Well, not the Finest-looking, but, uh...

This is wheat, isn't it?

Yes.

How long's it been growing?

3 weeks. 3 weeks?

Look at this.

Oh, that's a weed.

How long's it been growing?

Oh, about 2 days.

Maybe you should've Planted this.

You certainly Have the soil for it.

I'm not interested In growing weeds.

I want to find out How to make my wheat

Big and strong.

Big and strong?

You might put some nitrogen And phosphorous on the soil.

How much nitrogen And phosphorous

Should I treat the soil with?

Oh, I'd say about 100 pounds per acre.

Now, I suppose the Next question will be...

How do I apply it?

Yes. Yes, what?

How do I apply it?

I knew that was gonna Be your next question.

We county agents have developed

A sort of a sixth sense For those sort of things.

Now, there are 3 Methods for applying...

No, there are 2...

No, there are 3.

What are they?

One is a rather primitive Method of applying.

It was used back in The early settlers days

In massachusetts, rhode island,

And, uh, certain sections Of the delaware water gap.

They call it shoveling.

Shoveling.

Yes.

They'd get a shovel with A big bag of fertilizer

And just sort of Shovel it around.

Except in the Delaware water gap,

Where they used a spade.

Oh, it wasn't really a spade, But it had a long handle.

It was a...

What was the other method?

Of what?

Good morning, mr. Kimball.

Oh, good morning, mrs. Douglas.

My, you certainly look Pretty this morning.

I like your hair.

My husband told you to say that.

No, he didn't.

Did you? No.

Are you ready to take Me into hootersville now?

Oh, I can't right now.

I'm discussing my crop

With mr. Kimball.

Oh, what a lovely little veet.

No, no. That's not wheat.

That's a weed.

What's the difference Between a veet and a veed?

There's no veet.

In vhich vun?

In anything you've said.

Look, I'll take you Into hooterville

Just as soon... Ah! Oh.

You said a "V."

Well, there is a "V" in hooterville.

I hope there's also A beauty parlor.

Beauty shop, huh? Well, let's see...

Oh. Sue anne bedlington.

Oh, is she any good?

She's the best Blacksmith in the county.

Blacksmith?

Yeah, she does all The horse tail braidin'

At the county fair.

She probably be glad to help you

If there's no horses waitin'.

Well, I don't want To stand in line

With horses. Now, look here...

Lisa, lisa, please. Look, mr. Drucker,

I have got to have Some fertilizer.

I'll be glad to help You as soon as I finish

My inventory.

How come that you Are glad to help him,

But you won't help me?

Well, I could if you Needed some fertilizer.

Well, all I need Is a beauty parlor.

Well, I'm sorry, mrs. Douglas.

There just ain't one In the whole valley.

What kind of a valley Do you call yourself

Without a beauty parlor?

Well... That's the trouble

With you men. All for one,

And no one for a beauty parlor.

Lisa... You men,

You want us to be beautiful.

Now, how can we be beautiful

If we haven't got a Place to go and do it?

But... Those days are

Here and gone. On This every other

Wednesday afternoon Discussion club,

We are going to Have more to discuss

On this every other Wednesday afternoon

Than we ever had on any other

Every other wednesday afternoon.

Beauty parlors.

That's what I'm here to discuss:

A beauty parlor.

We need one in the valley.

What for?

Mrs. Ziffel,

When your husband comes Home tired from the barn,

Don't you want to Look nice for him?

Fred? Ha.

All he cares about is his pigs.

Mrs. Ziffel, don't you Want him to notice you?

The only time fred Ziffel'd notice me

Is if I had a long snoot

And an apple in my mouth.

Oh, be quiet, doris. Let's Listen to mrs. Douglas.

Thank you, mrs. Watson.

Every woman should Have her hair done.

Now, how could we Go to a cocktail party

With our hair like this?

Or to the opera?

Or on a ride on Somebody's yacht?

I never rode on a Yacht. What is it?

It's a boat.

Oh, when fred was courtin' me,

He took me for a boat ride

Down the tunnel of love.

I never saw anybody Get so seasick.

Well, I would love A beauty parlor.

You sure could Do with one, cora.

Not half as much as you.

Would you like to step out

On the porch?

I certainly would!

Ladies, ladies, please.

I think having a Real beauty parlor

In hooterville is A wonderful idea.

So do I. But how Will we get one?

If you appoint me to The committee in charge,

I get you one.

Ok, let's put it to a vote.

All those in favor, Raise their hand.

In-favor's have it.

Honey. Ah.

When'd you get home?

Just now.

Who you gonna call? Mother.

What about?

The in-favors voted For a beauty parlor,

And I'm the committee.

What committee?

The "Get one" committee.

What's my mother Got to do with it?

If anyone can, she can.

Hello?

Hello, mother. This is lisa.

Lisa, darling, You're in new york.

You escaped!

No, mother,

I'm still up here on The top of the pole.

When is that frontier Phone company

Going to put the Phone in the house?

Mother, mother, I need your help.

We got to have a beauty parlor

Here in hootersville.

You mean, you don't have one?

Pack your things.

I'll send a plane For you immediately.

Hon, I promised the Ladies at the club.

Club?

You mean oliver's allowing you

To fraternize with the natives?

Mother, we need Somebody to do our hair.

Could you send somebody?

Well, I could call the Immigration department

And ask them if they Have a hairdresser

They'd like to deport.

Mother, please.

All right, darling.

Let me see, now.

Oh, of course!

Claude of the ritz plaza.

I'll call him immediately.

Well, here you are, clyde.

Claude.

Who lives here?

Mr. And ms. Douglas.

Then the rumors I heard In new york are true.

He's drinking.

Mr. Douglas is Not a drinkin' man.

Uh, but I am. You got Anything in the case?

Would you like a Little hair lacquer?

How old is it?

Oh, hey, just a Second, there, clyde.

That's claude.

Well, you owe me $1.65 for the taxi ride.

$1.65?!

That's a dollar for the ride,

And the 65 is for Trip insurance.

I'll not pay you a penny More than 50 cents.

Now, just a second, claude.

That's clyde... I mean...

Well, whoever you are, You still owe me $1.65.

Sue me.

I might just do that.

Mr. Douglas!

Yes?

I want you to meet my attorney.

Mr. Douglas, I want you to sue

This feller for $1.65.

And cost.

Well, uh,

My advice to you is to, Uh, settle out of court.

Oh, well, how about a dollar?

Very well.

Thank you.

And thank you.

And here's your 15 cents change.

15 cents?

Yes. The 85 cents is For the legal advice

To settle out of court.

Mr. Douglas, you mother sent me.

I am claude of the ritz plaza.

Oh, you're mother's hairdresser.

Hair stylist, if you please.

Oh. How did she get you To come way out here?

Ha ha ha! Well, mr. Douglas,

Everyone has a Skeleton in their closet.

Somehow, your mother found mine.

All she had to do was To say one word to me:

Scranton.

And here I am.

What happened in scranton?

Well...

I don't think that's Any of your business.

And now, if you'll Take me to your wife.

Oh, uh, she's in hooterville

Looking for a place for You to use as a beauty shop.

Well, what do I need a shop for?

I just came here to Do your wife's hair.

Didn't mother tell You about the ladies'

Every other wednesday Afternoon discussion club?

What is that?

That is a discussion club

Where they need their hair done.

Well, I'm certainly Not going to open

A beauty salon In a place like this.

Scranton.

How many women are there?

I'm sorry, mrs. Douglas, I'd like to help you,

But I just can't let You use my back room

For a beauty shop.

The barber wouldn't Let us use his shop, either.

I-I-I don't know What you can do.

All I need is a place for The women to sit down

And get beautiful.

Excuse me.

Train leavin' on track one,

Which is the only one we got,

For bleaker's creek, Shady rest hotel,

And pixley.

'board!

Oh, mr. Smoots, darling...

Can I talk to you privately?

Oh, mrs. Wilkins, you're Drying beautifully.

Oh, mrs. Prentiss, I'm sure you are dry.

How do I look? Here.

I'm beautiful.

Mrs. Prentiss, now You can go home.

I'm afraid to move.

Now, there.

Floyd, how'd you get into this?

Well, I ain't quite sure.

All I remember is Mrs. Douglas said

To me, "Mr. Smoots, darlink,"

And then everything went black.

Which one was that?

Mrs. Prentiss.

Well, I'll be doggone.

You think he could do anything

For me, charlie?

Mercy.

You're next, mrs. Watson.

Ooh, I can hardly wait.

I'm gonna be beautiful, girls.

Claude, when are you Ready for mrs. Watson?

This antiquated Equipment is impossible.

Where did you get this Permanent wave machine?

The blacksmith shop.

Yecch.

Well, now.

What have we here? And, uh...

What would you Like me to do with it?

Make me beautiful.

He's a hairdresser, Not a magician.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, how I'd love To short circuit

Your head.

Don't worry, mrs. Watson.

Claude will make you beautiful.

Do you, um, have any Idea what you'd like?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

I want you to do My hair just like

You did mrs. Prentiss',

Only taller and in red

And with 3 spit curls,

One here, here, and here.

Spit curls?

I absolutely refuse.

Scranton... You're next.

Hello, darling.

Oh, hi. Honey, look, I fixed it,

So it wouldn't come Off when you try...

Oh, for crying out loud.

Don't you notice anything?

Huh? No. Where've you Been all afternoon?

Can't you tell? Huh?

The psychiatrist?

The beauty parlor!

Ohh, and you couldn't Get waited on?

Oliver!

You look beautiful.

Oh, wait till you See the other women.

They're husbands Won't recognize them.

Who're you?

Doris your wife!

No, I never had a wife Of a head that high.

It's the latest fashion, fred.

You see what you Done? You scared arnold.

Oh, too bad about him.

Well, get that thing off.

I can't. It's all me.

Then, go feed the pigs. You're an hour late.

Feed 'em yourself.

I'm not gonna move from here

Until my hair is set.

What about my supper?

What about it?

Get in the kitchen and fix it.

I'm not going near the stove.

It'll steam out my spit curls.

What's wrong here?

Mr. Douglas, I brought You an angry mob.

Well, I, uh, I...

Oh, they're really steamed up.

Care to hire a good 5-dollar bodyguard?

No.

Well, it's just as well.

I can't stand the smell of tar,

And them feathers Tickle my nose.

Darling, darling, What's the matter?

Hair.

Since cora had her hair fixed,

She won't fix my supper.

Neither will doris.

She won't even feed the pigs.

And mine won't chop the wood.

She just sits in front

Of the mirror all day

A-lookin' at herself.

Now, uh, mr. Douglas, You're a city fella,

But we have accepted you,

Even if you do do Strange things.

Like what?

Buyin' this farm.

Oh, I... Yeah.

And always stickin' up for

The department of agriculture.

Sure, but...

And drivin' a tractor

With your vest on.

Gentlemen, I just...

Now you've gone too far,

Inflictin' your city ways On us by mollycoddlin'

Our women with that Fancy hairdresser.

Yeah, they're actin' Like city women.

They just sit and do nothin'.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

I'm surprised at you.

City women and farm Women are exactly the same.

The only difference is

That the city women Live in the city,

And the farm women on the farm.

Outside of that, you Can't tell the difference,

Unless you look at their hair.

Lisa... Now, why do think

These women want To be beautiful?

For you. For their husbands.

So that when you come Home from the farm tired,

Well, you don't Get anything to eat,

But you have something Beautiful to look at.

All you think of Is your stomachs.

Do you know what They have to go through

To be beautiful?

Well, I tell you.

Did you ever sit under A hot dryer for 3 hours

To have your hair electrified

To be permanented?

Lisa... Please.

Don't interrupt me when I'm mad.

Well, I just want to translate

That last speech.

They understand.

Mr. Ziffel.

When was it the last time That you told your wife

That she was beautiful?

1929.

Well, tell her again.

And when was the last Time you gentlemen took out

Your wives for dinner With a beautiful hair?

Go home. Look at your wives.

Make a date for dinner.

Send them flowers, Buy them wine, and...

Well, the rest Of it is up to you.

I thank you, gentlemen.

Maybe she's right, fred.

Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt

To soft talk doris a little.

She's been a good wife.

And there ain't another Woman in this valley

Can get along with my Pigs better than doris.

Lisa? Lisa?

Yes, darling?

What are you all dressed up for?

For dinner.

You're gonna Cook dinner in that?

Where are my flowers?

Flowers?

And where is the wine?

Wine?

Put on your tuxedo. We're going out.

We're going out?

You didn't listen While I was talking

To the men?

Oh.

Oh, honey, I'm not Gonna get dressed up

And go out to dinner tonight.

Scranton.

Huh?

Oh, no, that doesn't Work for me. No, no.

Anyway, get dressed.

I make a reservation at The hootersville diner.

Come here.

Ohh, don't muss my hair.

Not too much.

Hey, tell me,

What did happen in Scranton, anyway?

I don't know.

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