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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Oliver...

Sweetheart, darling...

Breakfast is ready.

Boy, mrs. Douglas is sure "Sweetheart, darling" you

All over the place today.

Eb... This is our anniversary.

It is?

You gonna send me flowers?

Why should I send you flowers?

I've been working For you 8 weeks.

Eb... This is my Wedding anniversary.

Oh! Congratulations.

How long you been married?

Well, we've been married...

Let's see, now...

We were married in 19...

No, no, that was the year

I got out of the air force.

Yes. We were married 19...

No, that was the year I Started my law practice.

Well, it must have been then...

You sure you're married?

Of course I'm sure.

I never saw your Marriage certificate.

Don't worry. We've got one.

It's in the safe deposit box.

Mr. Haney used to have His hanging up on the wall.

Well, that's nice.

He used to throw darts at it.

I won't throw darts at mine.

I'm a happily married man.

But you can't remember how long.

What difference does it make,

As long as I'm happily married?

My wife is a wonderful woman.

A little hard to Understand at times,

But she's a wonderful woman.

Lisa: oliver!

Sweetheart, darling!

Breakfast is ready.

Well, shall we tie On the feed bags,

Sweetheart darling?

If this wasn't my anniversary...

Which one?

Never mind.

Just forget the anniversary.

Why? You'll see.

Uh... Could I have The syrup, eb, please?

Thank you.

Don't you notice anything?

Yes, how did you Get them so round?

I won't tell you.

Can't you see the candle?

Oh, sure.

Don't you know what it is for?

Why, it's a hot cake warmer.

A hot cake warmer?

Isn't that a good idea, eb?

It sure is. Wish't I had one.

You forgot what today is.

Oh, I didn't.

It's our anniversary.

Who told you?

Nobody.

Then how did you know?

I wouldn't forget A thing like that.

Happy anniversary.

Doggone...

You married people Sure have fun.

How long have we been married?

Uh, well, uh...

Count the candle.

Uh, we, uh...

You don't remember.

No, of course I remember.

We've been married...

Uh...

Quite a few years.

And believe me, they Have been the happiest

Quite-a-few years of my life.

How can you forget A thing like this?

I didn't!

Hey, before I forget,

We're gonna celebrate Tonight, just you and I.

Like we celebrated last Year in the old country?

What old country?

New york.

What happened?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, do you want to see The anniversary picture?

I'd love to.

He wouldn't be interested.

Yes, I would.

Lisa, don't bother.

Here we are.

There.

This is your Anniversary picture?

This is it.

Wow! It must have been Some swinging party.

There was no party.

There was a party, But we never got there.

You see, eb...

You don't have to tell him.

Well, you see,

We were still living in Our penthouse in new york...

Happy anniversary, darling.

And to you.

Happy?

Oh, very happy.

Only one thing would Make me happier...

If we had a farm.

Well, you have One right out there.

Oh, no, no, I mean a real farm.

Look, let's buy a farm.

We can spend our Next anniversary

In our own farmhouse.

Are you trying to start a fight?

Where are you going?

To put on some lipstick

Because we're going To be late to the party.

Come here.

I just want you to know

That these have Been the happiest...

Uh... Years of my life.

How many?

Uh, well, now, let's See, this is our...

Uh...

Well, you know!

I know that I know,

But do you?

Of course I do!

How many?

Uh...

Say, you better Get your lipstick on.

We're gonna be late.

You don't remember!

Of course I remember!

How would I forget A thing like that?

Go on, put on your lipstick.

The wedding certificate Is in the bank vault.

I'm not looking For your lipstick.

Put on your wedding cer...

Hurry up.

Lisa: it's no use Calling mother.

She's at the waldorf Waiting for us.

Lisa!

Lisa!

What's the matter?

Look at this.

That's very pretty.

How did you get it To grow this way?

I didn't grow it this way!

I've got corn borers!

Good.

At last, you're Getting something

Out of your farm.

I won't have a farm at all.

They'll eat their way Through my whole crop.

Oh, look at that ear.

I gotta do something.

Darling, not tonight. It's our anniversary,

And mother is waiting With our guests

At the waldorf.

I can't go. My... My corn is sick!

What about the party?

Do you realize how long We have been married?

That's beside The point. I can't...

Would you leave a sick child?

These are not sick children.

These are corns.

They're more than that.

I raised these from tiny seeds.

I-I watered them. I cared for them...

Watched them grow to manhood.

Or cornhood. Whatever they are.

They need me.

I'm not gonna desert them.

Darling, what about the party?

I've gotta get help.

Couldn't you do it tomorrow?

I want to talk to Washington, d.C., please.

The department of agriculture.

I don't care if the Circuits are busy.

This is an emergency. Now, put me through.

Department of agriculture.

I want to speak to the Secretary of agriculture.

Well, maybe I can help you.

Who's this? Well, uh...

I'm the secretary's Secretary's secretary.

What?

Well, you see, uh,

The secretary has a secretary,

And, uh, I'm his secretary.

Well, uh, I want to Speak to the secretary.

Uh, which one?

The head one!

Well, uh, he's out. He's not in this evening.

He can't be! This Is an emergency!

Well, I know, but It's his anniversary.

Well, it's my anniversary, And I'm not out.

Well, you should be.

Lisa.

Uh, no, george. George bennington.

I was talking to...

Is there somebody There that can help me?

Well, uh, maybe I can.

What seems to be the trouble?

I'm infested with corn borers!

Well, uh, why don't you Take a good hot bath

Or a shower. I Think that'll do it.

I'm not talking about myself.

My crop is infested.

Oh, I see, I see.

Well, uh, have you Called your, uh...

Local county agent?

I don't know his name.

Where do you live?

I live in new york City. 10016 park avenue.

No, no, I mean your farm.

Where is your farm?

On the terrace of my penthouse.

On the, uh, terrace of your...

Penthouse?

Yes.

Uh, well, look, I'm, uh...

I'm quite sure we don't Have a county agent

On park avenue.

Why don't you try times square.

Why does everybody have to call

The department of agriculture

When they get drunk?

Ah, he hung up.

Well, what about the party?

Dr. Faber.

You can't call Dr. Faber for a corn!

Hello. I want to talk To dr. Faber, please.

Oh, his answering service.

Well, uh, have him Contact me, please.

This is oliver wendell douglas.

It's an emergency.

What?

Well, that's none Of your business.

You're not a doctor, You're an answering service!

Have him contact me!

Oh, dr. Faber.

I hurried over as soon as I got

Oliver's message. Where is he?

Out on the terrace.

What's wrong with him?

I don't know. We were Just going out to the party

And something went Wrong with his ears.

Dr. Faber!

I didn't want you to come over!

I just wanted you to call me.

They said it was urgent.

What's wrong with your ears?

Uh, they're full of corn borers!

Oh, well, there's a Lot of that going...

What?

My corn crop, it's Infected with corn borers.

Doctor, look at That ear of corn.

You called me over here be...

Oliver, do you know where I was

When I got your message?

I was at the theater.

Front row, center.

It took me 4 months To get those tickets

For hello, doctor.

And just as the Curtain was going up,

I got an emergency call.

And I rushed over here,

And what do I find?

You've got a sick corn!

Where is your sense of humanity?

The least you could Do is examine the corn!

I am an obstetrician.

Everybody's a Specialist nowadays.

Where is the Old-fashioned corn doctor?

Man: quiet up there!

Shut up yourself!

Oliver!

That's new york.

A man's crop is Sick, nobody cares.

Including me.

Maybe I can get Back to the theater

Before the play is over.

What about my corn?

Take it over to bellevue.

Let them look at it!

While you're there, have Them examine your head.

I'm sorry I ever let you Deliver me to my mother!

Darling, now can We go to the party?

No, we can't go now.

I've got to stay with my corn.

Lisa!

I just passed dr. Faber. Is something wrong?

No. Oh.

Well, darling, we're All waiting for you

At the hotel.

Oliver doesn't want to go.

Why not?

His corn doesn't feel well.

His corn?

Go put on your wrap.

I'll put a bug in his ear.

He already got them.

Oliver wendell douglas.

Not now, mother, please.

Yes, now.

Would you sacrifice An anniversary party

To wet nurse these weeds?

These are not weeds.

These...

Well...

That's a weed.

The rest are tomatoes And corn and onions...

Oh, I don't know How your marriage

Has ever lasted this long.

How long?

Do you realize There are 50 people

Waiting for you to show up?

I didn't invite them.

What am I going to tell them?

I don't care what you tell them.

I'd like to tell them That we are not related.

Oh, oliver,

You will come, Won't you, darling?

No, I won't!

Just like your father.

He never would go anywhere.

Not even to his own wedding.

Go in and get your coat.

No, I'm not going to come.

I'm going to stay here And take care of my farm.

I'll take care of your farm.

Mother!

I am plowing you under.

Mother!

Oliver, I am doing This for your own.

Mother!

Well, then, the Policeman came upstairs,

And...

You don't have to tell Him. He saw the picture.

Is that the way it Really happened?

No, she exaggerated.

When?

Well, in the first place,

Dr. Faber only waited 3 Months for his tickets.

And they weren't In the first row.

They were... They Were in the third row

And behind a post!

It's too bad you didn't remember

How long you were Married last year,

Or you wouldn't be in the Spot you're in this year.

Have you finished Your breakfast?

No, sir.

Yes, you have. Out.

Yes, sir.

Darling...

Where are we going to Go for our anniversary?

How about the shady rest hotel?

How about the ritz?

The shady rest is nearer.

I don't mind traveling.

The shady rest.

Just one more question.

Hmm?

How about el morocco?

Lisa, one of the...

Oh, just what I Needed. Mr. Haney.

Uh, mr. Douglas,

Let me be the first To congratulate you

On your wedding anniverserary.

Oh, thank you very much.

Uh, how did you know about it?

It was on coop dingle's Radio show this morning.

Oh? How did he know about it?

Uh, didn't you tell him?

No. I guess old coop

Made another lucky guess.

How many years Of connubian bliss

Are you celebrating?

Didn't coop say?

Yes, he did. How many?

Uh, I don't know.

Just then, my wife turned on

Her diathermy machine

And, uh, near Staticked out 2 tubes.

Your wife taking treatments?

No, she just don't like

For me to listen to the radio.

Uh, mr. Haney...

Could we get down to business?

Business?

Well, I'm sure you Didn't come over here

Just to wish me a Happy anniversary.

Mr. Douglas,

Do you think I'd stoop To sordid commercialism

On this happy occasion?

Yes, I do.

Well, you're wrong.

I brought you a wedding Anniversary present.

You what?

Oliver.

Lisa...

Mr. Haney has brought Us an anniversary present.

There you are.

With my compliments. Free and clear.

A genuine south American rubber plant.

Why, thank you, mr. Haney.

That's very beautiful.

Oh, this is... This Is pretty, isn't it?

Yes.

We haven't got Anything to put it in.

You don't have A pot to put it in?

No, but we can be Sure you've got one

On your truck.

Well, I wouldn't be too sure,

Mr. Douglas, until We take a look.

Excuse me.

No, I don't have any.

Uh, what's that pot?

Pot?

That's a genuine grecian urn.

It's worth... It's priceless.

How much for the priceless urn?

3.95.

I'm not buying it.

But, darling, we need A pot for the plant.

Don't you see what he's doing?

He's giving us the plant

So we'll have to buy the pot.

Mr. Douglas...

You know how to hit a man

Below the belt.

If you think I come here

For that purpose,

You can have the pot,

And happy anniversary.

Well, I... I...

No charge.

Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Haney.

I didn't...

That's all right. Have a happy day.

That's very nice of Him to give us the...

Wait a minute.

Something wrong?

What about the plant?

What plant?

The rubber plant.

Oh, do you like it?

Yes.

I can let you Have it for, uh, 3.95.

You gave us that!

Yeah, but you exchanged it

For the pot.

I did not! You...

Darling, buy the pot.

All right.

Now...

How about a watering can?

No!

Well, while you're getting

The correct change,

I would like to Recite a little poem

I composed for anniversaries...

Copies of which can be purchased

From the author for 25 cents.

Happy anniversary.

Anniversaries come But once a year,

Bringing joy and good cheer.

Some are sad, some are funny...

Get on your truck. Here's your money.

Yes, this will be perfect.

Small table in alcove.

Now, do you want a Tablecloth on that?

Oh, yes, yes, and some flowers,

And candles...

How do you spell candles?

C-a-n-d-l-e-s.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Maybe I better look It up in the dictionary.

Spell it any way you like.

C-a-n-d-e-l-l-s.

How long you been married?

What do you have To know that for?

So I'll know what To put on the cake.

We don't want a cake.

Oh, you want the cheap dinner.

No, I want the best Dinner you have.

That comes with a cake.

All right, we'll have a cake.

Just write...

"Happy anniversary" on it.

Oh, mr. Douglas.

Oh, mrs. Bradley.

Mrs. Douglas and I

Are spending our wedding Anniversary here tonight.

Wonderful. Congratulations.

Thank you.

I talked him out of The cheap dinner.

Congratulations to you, too.

Uh, how long have You been married?

Well, uh...

Heh. Well, quite a few years.

Oh. Heh heh.

Is that what you Want on the cake?

"Happy quite-a-few-years Anniversary"?

Why do we have to have Anything on the cake?

How's your wife gonna Know it's your anniversary?

I'll tell her.

It'll spoil the surprise.

It's not a surprise party.

Still want the tablecloth?

Yes.

Mr. Douglas, what Would you like for dinner?

Oh, I have a choice?

Yeah. Either cole Slaw or pickled beef

With your fried liver.

Liver...

Well, I was thinking Of something...

A little more exotic.

How do you spell that?

Well, about the most Exotic thing we have

Around here is fried chicken.

Not on wednesday.

On wednesday we Push the fried liver.

If you want to come Back on saturday...

Joe.

Leave it to me, mr. Douglas.

I know what you want.

Oh, look, one more thing.

Do you suppose I Could get a bottle of...

Good wine? Maybe a...

Chateau lafitte '56?

Well, I don't think We have that,

But we do have Cooking sherry '65.

Hey...

I had a cold last week...

We had cooking sherry '65.

Oh.

But don't you worry.

I'll, uh, I'll take Care of everything.

Oh, thank you very much.

We'll be here at 8:00 sharp.

Good.

Bye, now. Bye.

I don't remember You having a cold.

Happy anniversary, darling.

To you, too, sweetheart.

Happy?

I certainly am.

You remember last year At this time, I said to you,

The one thing that would Make me completely happy

Was if we were to Spend this anniversary

On our own farm, And here we are.

Well, perhaps the Next anniversary

Will be better.

Oh, lisa.

I better go and put On some more lipstick.

Hurry up.

We're due at the Shady rest at 8:00.

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?

I wanted to show you...

Boy, you sure are duded up!

Well, thank you. Uh...

What did you want to show me?

This. Don't that put A chill in your bones.

It just looks like a little fly.

I think it's a wheat Stem saw fly.

What about it?

I found him out in the Fields on your wheat.

If he's got any of His friends with him,

You can say good-bye To your crop.

Are you sure that's what it is?

No, sir.

But mr. Kimball Would know for sure.

Yes, he would.

Too bad he's on vacation.

How could he go on a vacation

At a time like this?

I'm about to lose my Whole wheat crop.

Oh, that kimball.

Well, he wouldn't Give you an answer

Right away, anyway.

He'd have to contact washington.

Washington!

Department of agriculture, George bennington speaking.

I want to talk to the Secretary of agriculture.

Well, he's out. It's His anniversary.

How come every time I Call it's his anniversary?

Every time you call?

Say, your angry little Voice sounds familiar.

Aren't you the fellow

That was infected with Corn borers last year?

That's right.

What do you got this year?

Wheat stem saw flies.

Oh, how about that.

So you're raising wheat Out on the terrace now, huh?

Ha. You know, you Park avenue folks are...

I don't live on park Avenue anymore.

Oh, they canceled The lease, huh?

No, I bought a farm Near hooterville.

Where?

Hooterville.

You're pulling my leg. Ha ha ha.

Listen, this is serious.

Yes, it is.

You ought to stop Lapping the sauce.

Now, look here.

This whole valley May be wiped out.

I demand to speak To the head man.

You find him!

And if he doesn't call me back

Within 5 minutes,

I'll take care of him!

That sounds very Much like a threat.

You take it any way you want!

Let us out!

You hear? You Let us out of here!

Mr. Douglas, would you Mind lowering your voice?

You can't hold us like This! I know my rights!

I am an attorney, and I Demand to see an attorney.

I'm sorry, but I have Orders to hold you

Until the f.B.I. Gets here.

On what charge?

Using the telephone to Threaten a public official.

Mr. Douglas...

You'll be lucky if you Get away with 10 years.

10 years?

Darling, you remembered!

What?

How long we've been married!

10 years.

Oh, 10... Oh, 10... Oh, yeah!

Oh, of course! How could I forget

The happiest 10 Years of my life?

Happy anniversary.

Thank you, darling.

Oliver...

Our next anniversary...

The 11th...

Could we celebrate Somewhere else?

What difference does it make,

As long as we're Together in the same cell?

Happy anniversary, Mr. And mrs. Douglas.

Wherever you may be.

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