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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Well, how are things

Over at hooterville, ben?

Oh, no sense complaining.

Wally, haven't you found Those applications, yet?

Nope.

Wh-what is that you got there?

Mail we haven't Had time to open.

Well, all right then,

Just file it in the Unopened mail cabinet.

You know, we ought to read

Some of this mail

They're always sending us

From washington.

We'll get around to It one of these days.

We get more mail from the Department of agriculture

Than you can shake a...

Oh, here they are right here.

Newt colley and ben miller.

Whoo.

Ahem.

Well, fellas.

Uh, the committee has Gone over your application,

And we are raising your Allotment for this year.

You are allowed to Grow 10% more wheat

Than you did last year.

Ohh.

You see we divided up...

Yeah, wally. Do you mind?

I happen to be the chairman Of this here committee.

You see we divided up The haney wheat acreage

Amongst you fellers

'cause haney didn't put in For his allotment this year.

Oh, uh, haney got Rid of his farm.

Finally gave up, huh?

No, no.

Some city feller named Douglas bought it.

Both: the haney place?

Maybe you ought To talk to douglas

Before you raise our allotment.

Yeah. He's figgering On farming it.

Both: the haney place?

Lisa!

Lisa.

Did the water turn Off all right, dear?

Yeah. I didn't Want it turned off.

But you said when you holler,

I should turn off the water.

No, no. I wasn't hollering

For you to turn it off.

I was hollering for you To pick up the soap for me.

Well, your soap holler

Sounds just like Your turn off holler.

Would you be k... Ohh.

Lisa!

Did I get it right this time?

No.

That wasn't your Water turn off holler?

The telephone is Ringing. Didn't you hear it?

No. You were hollering too loud.

Well, answer it.

All right, darling.

Hello.

Hello. Uh, this is George wilkins.

Hello, mr. Wilkins. How are you?

Who is it?

Mr. Wilkins.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Mr. Wilkins, who are you?

Well, well, well, who is this?

Mrs. Douglas on the pole.

On the pole?

That's where the phone is.

The wire wasn't Long enough to reach

To the kitchen where We were going to put it.

Oh, I see. Mrs. Douglas.

Would you do something for me?

Would you put your Husband on the pole?

I-I mean on the phone.

Darling, he wants To talk to you.

Well, I can't come up there.

I'm all wet.

My husband is all wet.

Well, tell him it's Very important.

I'm from the conservation And stabilization committee.

He's with the stables And zation committee.

No, no, ma'am. That's... That's one word.

Oh. Well, what is the word?

Uh, um, the word... Uh, uh.

Ma'am, would you... Would You tell your husband

That I'd like to come over And see him this afternoon?

Thank you.

Lisa!

Lisa: the water is off, dear!

Oh, no.

Can you come here? I want to show you

These pictures. Look it here.

It's very exciting.

What does it mean?

This shows the profit That we're gonna make

On that 160 acres of Wheat that I'm gonna plant.

Why do you plant so much wheat?

Because wheat Is... Is used to make

The greatest single commodity

Consumed by the average family.

Caviar?

Bread.

Now. Now, look at this.

This is just rough, you know.

We got 160 acres.

We need approximately 6,000 pounds of seed.

Now, 6,000 pounds of seed

Yields approximately 4,000 bushels of wheat.

Now, the seed costs $270.

We sell the wheat for $8,000.

Less the cost of the seed.

This leaves us a p... Mm-mmm.

This leaves us a Profit of $7,730.

You know how much money that is?

One and a half mink coats.

Well, that's one way To look at it, yeah.

But I mean, our first Year on the farm,

We make over $7,500.

You know what my first year

Of law practice I made?

Uh, one small mink Stole you bought me.

That was mink-dyed muskrat.

You said it was real mink.

Well, I was, you know...

Anyway. This proves What I've always said.

You don't have to go Through the rat race

Of the city to make a living.

You can live off the land.

You said it was real mink.

Oh, lisa, I was j...

Is this real?

Yes.

That's real.

You sure it isn't Mink-dyed rhinestone?

There isn't any such thing.

You looked for one?

Come on. Get my Breakfast, will you?

I'm getting hungry.

Into the kitchen with you.

Ha ha. Shoo, shoo.

Darling, I can't cook breakfast.

I have the washing machine Plugged in, which is a 6.

Now if I plug in the coffee pot,

Which is a 2, it's going to Blow up the generator,

And that always Makes you so mad.

Yes, yes. I-I know.

Why do you have the Washer plugged in?

I'm washing.

It's my first load.

Lisa.

I'm proud of you.

We've been here how long?

27 years.

6 weeks.

Is that all?

Well, for a girl Who never raised

Her hand to do anything Around the house,

You're already learned To cook... Sort of.

You've learned to make the bed.

Sort of.

Now, you're doing your own wash.

Oh, I can't tell you How proud I am of...

What's wrong with the washer?

Did you overload it?

I only put in 2 sheets And 2 pillowcases.

Well, that shouldn't Overload it.

What did you put in there?!

Well, I told you just 2 sheets

And 2 pillowcases.

And 2 pillows!

Oh, they came in The pillowcases.

You don't wash pillows.

I'm stupid.

No, you're not stupid, but...

I'm smart?

No, you're not smart, either.

Will you, uh...

Next time ask somebody.

I sweep up.

Uh, wait a second.

Here, let me do it.

Hmm? Heh heh.

Ha ha. You blew the generator.

I know.

Heh heh. You see the Vacuum cleaner is a 4,

And you already Have a 6 plugged in,

Which is a 10, which Is 3 more than 7,

Which you can't do.

But you could pull out the 6,

And you could Plug in the toaster,

And then I could cook breakfast.

Good.

Oh, how old haney sold This house to anybody

Is more than I can Understand, I swear.

You think mr. Douglas is inside?

I don't know, but it Sounds like somebody

Is watering around This side of the house.

He's got pretty legs.

Sure has.

Uh, mr. Douglas?

Hello.

No wonder he had pretty legs.

He's a girl.

Uh, pardon me, ma'am,

But is... Is mr. Douglas here?

I can't hear you!

Oliver!

Oh. Excuse me, what did you say?

Uh, uh, we'd like To see mr. Douglas.

Oh!

Oliver!

I didn't want the water!

Oliver!

You see whenever Anybody's in here,

And you holler "Oliver" or "Lisa,"

The water turns off.

It all depends who is in

And... And what The water is doing.

Oh.

It would be easier If I went and got him.

No, ma'am! Don't Come out of there.

Honey, will you Make up your mind?

Do you want the water On or off? You've got

To let me know one Way or the other.

Yes, hi, gentlemen.

How do you do?

I'm wally jenkins,

And this is george wilkins.

Uh, we're with the conservation

And stabilization committee.

Darling, did you get All the goose feathers

Out of the washing machine?

Yes, I did.

Uh, nice to have Met you, gentlemen.

Now, gentlemen. What can I do for you?

You've heard of our committee.

I'm afraid not.

Oh, well, then I guess

I'd better explain It to you. You see...

Uh, wally. I'll do The explaining.

I've got the seniority.

I've been on this committee

Just as long as you have.

Gentlemen, I'm... I've Got a very busy day.

I'm doing my planting today.

What are you plantin'?

Wally, please.

Will you remember I've got the seniority,

And besides that I'm The committee chairman.

Uh, what are you plantin?

Wheat.

160 acres of it.

You hear that, George? 160 acres!

And all of it wheat?

I'm afraid you can't do that.

At first, I...

What do you mean I can't do it?

I'll explain it to you.

Wally!

George will explain it to you.

He's got the pamphlet.

Yes, I've got the...

No, I ain't got the pamphlet.

I thought you had it.

Oh. Yeah.

Now then.

What are you doing with it?

I'm the chairman Of this committee.

Uh, mr. Douglas, do you have

A past history in growing wheat?

No, no.

All I've ever grown Is corn, radishes,

Carrots and squash.

You see, I did all my Farming on the terrace

Of my park avenue penthouse.

Ohh.

Uh, those crops don't Come under this program.

This just covers wheat.

Now, we determine The amount of wheat

You can grow by The amount of wheat

That was grown On this farm in 1958.

59.

Uh, 58-59 season.

Now, according to our records...

Uh, you got the records, wally?

Right here.

What are you doing with 'em?

I'm the committee chairman.

Now, in 1958...

And 9.

Mr. Haney grew 8 acres of wheat,

And, therefore, that Makes your allotment

Of wheat 8 acres.

Gentlemen, this is my farm.

This is my land.

And if I want to plant

The whole 160 acres in wheat,

Nobody is going To tell me I can't.

Nobody's trying to Tell you you can't.

Then what's all the fuss about?

Oh, there won't be any Fuss about plantin' it.

Oh, the fuss will start When you try to sell it.

Except the 8 acres.

There won't be any Fuss about selling that.

You mean to tell me I can't sell

The other 152 acres of wheat?

Of course you can.

Well, then what are You talking about?

The penalties.

What penalty?

Read it to him.

I know when to read it to him.

Hold that.

Now, here we are.

Any operator, landlord, Tenant, or sharecropper

Who exceeds his authorized use

Of allotted cropland acreage

By more than 1/10 of 1%

Will be subject to a Penalty of not less

Than 65% of parity Price times the number

Of bushels of the Excess wheat he produced.

A man's land is his own!

He can do what he wants with it!

And if I want to plant my Whole 160 acres in wheat,

Nobody is going to stop me!

You... You haven't Been listening

To our chairman. He said...

I know what he said.

He said if I plant more Than 8 acres of wheat,

I have got to pay a penalty.

Probably wouldn't Cost you too much.

I don't care if it Cost me a thin dime!

It's the principle of the thing.

Why don't you think It over, mr. Douglas?

Here. We'll leave You this pamphlet.

We can't leave it.

It's the only one we got.

Well, uh, it's been Nice talking to you.

We'll be seeing you.

And you'll be hearing from me!

I'm not gonna take This lying down!

You've got a bull by the tail!

I'm an attorney. I know the law!

And I am telling you That what you're trying

To do to me is against Every principle

This country was founded on!

Lisa!

Sam: quiet. Quiet!

What did he say?

He said quiet!

Well, then,

What are you yelling for?!

Now, before I Introduce mr. Douglas,

Who's starting all this trouble,

I'd like to make An announcement.

Mr. Douglas' opinions Are his own and are not

Necessarily endorsed By drucker's store.

I'm just lending this Place for the meeting.

Mr. Douglas.

Thank you. Ahem.

Gentlemen, ahem,

Why are we gathered Here tonight?

That's what I want to know.

We're missing gomer pyle.

Well, we're gathered Here tonight

To protest a violation Of one of america's...

What did he say?

I said we're here...

Grandpappy, would you Like to sit closer to me?

No, I don't want

To sit on your knee!

Grandpappy, would You let mr. Douglas talk?

Go ahead, mr. Douglas.

Yes, thank you.

Uh, where was I?

Explaining why we're Missing gomer pyle.

Oh, yes, yes.

Uh, we're missing gomer pyle

Because we're here To right an injustice!

Are we to be allowed to grow...

Excuse me, mr. Douglas.

Who'd you say we're Gonna write to?

We're going to write To an injustice because...

No, no. I mean, uh,

We are going to Right an injustice!

Gentlemen, the question is this.

Is our land ours to Grow what we want to

Or are we going to have

To grow what we don't want to

Because they don't want us to?

I say no!

Gentlemen, we are farmers!

I have prepared a Petition of protests.

If we all sign it, we can make

Our voice heard in washington.

They wouldn't listen to us.

Mr. Kiley, may I refer you

To the words of Ralph waldo emerson.

Mr. Emerson said,

"By the rude bridge That arched the flood,

"Their flag to april's Breeze unfurled,

"Here once the Embattled farmers stood

"And fired the shot

Heard round the world."

Gentlemen, we too Can fire that shot!

Lisa: darling, it's a very Good picture of you.

But you forgot to say "Cheese."

Cheese?

You know that makes you smile.

Cheese.

I was in no mood to smile.

I was mad.

Oh, I don't like you When you're mad.

Cheese.

No, I don't want to say...

Oh, come on.

Cheese.

That's the wrong kind of cheese.

You're not smiling.

Lisa, I am fighting For a principle.

And the farmers are with me.

Everyone of them signed That petition last night,

And do you know why?

They all wanted to go home

To see gomer pyle.

If I'm gonna win this fight,

I'm going to need A certain amount

Of understanding and cooper-

Excuse me.

Oh, good morning, mr. Kimball.

Good morning, mr. Douglas,

Mrs. Douglas.

Well, it's not a good morning,

It's a...

Oh, boy.

Would you like to have

A cup of coffee?

I'd love it.

Oh, fine. Sit over here.

I'll join you. Have a cup myself.

Thank you.

Mr. Douglas, do you Know what you started?

Mm-hmm.

Well, you must have known

Or you wouldn't have started it.

Oh, boy.

Uh, do you think I'm right?

Well, as the county agent,

I'm not allowed to say.

But as a private, uh... Oh, boy.

Darling.

You forgot to Vacuum the cupboard.

Goose feathers.

Oh, yes. There lots Of them around

This time of year.

Well, not lots of 'em.

Usually they don't Come in until about...

Oh, I-I forgot to Put in the water.

Oh, well, uh...

Well, why don't You eat it? It's hot.

You started to say...

I did?

Oh, yes. I did.

Mr. Douglas, you've Got the whole county

In an uproar.

Well, not the county.

The state.

Some of it has even leaped

Across the border Into the next...

Well, not leaped.

It was more like a flood.

'cause I stood up for my rights?

Mr. Douglas, I can save you.

It's all in this pamphlet.

What pamphlet?

Uh, uh, this one I got

From the conservation

And stabilization committee.

Now, instead of growing wheat...

Mr. Kimball, I am Going to grow wheat!

You mind if I read this?

Ahem. If the farmer Wants to substitute

Feed grains for wheat,

He can do so and increase

His farm's acreage of cropland

Devoted to conservation use

Above the conservation base

By not less than the sum

Of the acreage devoted

To conserving uses Under this program,

Including...

Including the .11 percentage

Of the wheat allotment.

Ha ha.

You couldn't ask

For a simpler way Out, could you?

I don't understand What that means.

You don't?

Well, you don't Have to understand

What it, uh, it uh...

It was printed in, uh...

Washington.

Well, when they print something

In washington,

They know what it means.

Well, they usually do.

I know I once got a Bulletin from them.

Mr. Kimball, if you're trying

To talk me out of raising wheat,

You're wasting your time.

Mr. Douglas, I'm your friend.

Well, not your friend.

I-I haven't known you that long.

How long have I known you?

Oh, well, doesn't matter.

Uh, just like to have you

Take this piece of advice.

Think awhile before

You send in that petition.

It's too late already.

I mailed it last night.

Airmail.

Special delivery.

Department of Agriculture, washington.

Where did this Petition come from?

Uh... Hooterville.

You're making that up.

No. No, sir, I'm not.

Well, surely, they can't Be serious about this.

Well, they must be.

I've received 2 phone calls

And a telegram From a mr. Newt kiley.

Newt kiley?

Sounds like a Character on gomer pyle.

That doesn't make Any more sense than

This petition to Abolish wheat penalties.

Want me to take care of it?

No. No, I'll handle it.

You find out where Hooterville is,

Who's chairman of Their conservation

And stabilization program

And get them on the phone.

Ok.

Mr. Douglas, I sneaked Your wheat seed

In the back way.

They haven't come, yet?

Who hasn't?

The national guard.

What are you...

Shh.

Do you hear something rumbling?

Oh, it's just my stomach. Ha ha.

I've been eating my own cooking.

I thought it might be the tanks.

Tanks?

What tanks?

What the national...

What are you... What are you

Dressed like this for?

The siege.

Mr. Douglas, when you stand up

To the department Of agriculture,

You stand up to the Federal government

Of the united states.

And when you do that,

You'd better be ready to fight.

I am not fighting.

I'm simply protesting The wheat penalties.

Shh. Shh.

No, no.

Now, after you pay me

For delivering Your wheat seed...

I didn't ask you to deliver it.

Are you gonna quibble Over a paltry $14,

With a feller who's willing

To risk his life

To defend your farm?

$14!

Well, now that that's settled.

We'll unload the seed,

Then we'll roll the Truck across the road,

Then you and me will Take up our positions

In the barn.

And this entire maneuver

Is only gonna cost you $8.00.

What?

Well, I had to get My uniform pressed.

Mr. Haney, let's just unload...

Here come the tanks.

Oh, that's a car.

They got it camouflaged.

Friend or foe?

Hiya, haney.

Don't try nothing.

I got you covered.

Mr. Douglas...

Before you say one word,

Take a look at that truck.

I've got 3 tons of Wheat seed on it,

And I intend to plant

My whole 160 acres with it!

Good.

And nobody better try and...

What do you mean good?

We hope you have a bumper crop.

So you can stick me With the penalties!

There ain't gonna Be no penalties.

Why, I thought that you...

Darling, was mr. Haney drafted?

No, ma'am. I'm just fightin'

The siege of green acres.

Lisa.

The committee just told me

I can plant all the wheat

I want and no penalties.

Oh, that's good.

That's right.

We heard from washington.

Uh-huh.

My petition did the trick.

No, it was that bawling out

We got that did it.

Yeah, the wheat penalties

Were abolished in 1963.

You didn't know about it?

Well, we, uh...

We haven't opened Our mail lately.

Lately!

That's what the Bawling out was for.

You mean to tell me

I went through all that

Because you didn't Open your mail?

I could have gotten it...

You want me to shoot 'em?

No.

Only cost you $2.00 apiece.

Please, will you Unload the truck

We'll be running along.

Wally, do you mind?

I'll say when

We'll be running along.

I'm the chairman.

We'll be running along.

Darling, is everything

All right with the wheat?

It certainly is.

Well, then come into the house

And look at the washing machine.

What's wrong with it?

I don't know. It Makes funny noises.

What'd you put in it?

Just a tablecloth.

Shouldn't make a funny noise

With just a tablecloth in it.

But it does if you forget

To take the dishes off it.

Lisa!

Say cheese.

Cheese!

Cheese.

Cheese.

Ha ha.

Ha ha.

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