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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Lisa: oliver... What?

I've got a rock in my pot.

You've got a rock in your pot?

I'll, uh, I'll fix It in a minute.

I'm waiting to hear The commodity prices.

Radio: and now, for The wheat prices.

At the chicago exchange, Wheat opened steady and...

What's the price of wheat?

Darling, I think the fooz blew.

Fooz?

Yes, like when we Were in new york,

And the lights went out.

And you telephoned down To the superintendent,

And he came up, and He put in a new fooz.

Fuse.

And it was a generator That you blew out.

We don't have fooz... Fuses.

And just as I was Learning the wheat prices.

You know I've decided To plant wheat.

I'm sorry, darling, but Something happened

When I plugged In the coffee pot.

Oh, coffee pot's Only a number 2.

What else you got plugged in?

Oh, well, no wonder The generator blew out.

You've got 8 plugged in.

No, only 4.

The number of plugs Doesn't make the difference.

It's the number on the plugs...

That makes the difference.

Oh.

I thought I Explained that to you.

You did.

I thought you understood it.

I didn't.

Well, all right, I'll explain it again.

Uh, the whole thing is Based on the principle of 7.

That's the maximum load The generator can carry.

Now, the bigger Electrical appliances,

They have the biggest numbers,

As I've indicated On the chart here.

The can opener is 1.

Coffee pot, electric iron, Toaster, mixer, that's 2.

Frying pan 3, rotisserie 4,

Dishwasher 5,

Washing machine, Freezer, and refrigerator...

They draw the most Electricity, see,

So they're 6.

Understand?

You don't understand.

All right.

That's the washing Machine. That's 6.

Huh? Yeah.

Now, with a 6, you Can only have a 1.

Because that adds up to 7.

Huh?

Now, that can only Be the can opener.

You see? Unless you don't Use the washing machine,

And then you could use, Oh, say, the electric iron.

What's that for?

Iron clothes.

Which one is that?

Haven't you ever used this?

Oh, yes, to hold the door open.

Uh...

The main thing to Remember is that

The total cannot be more than 7.

Now, you understand?

You don't understand.

Yes, I do understand.

I am going to make coffee,

So I pull out the 3, And I push in the 2.

Good girl.

You love me?

Of course I love you.

But not enough to Let me plug in the 3.

It doesn't make any Difference, anyhow,

What you plug in till I Get the generator fixed.

While you are at it, could You fix the water, too?

What's the matter with it?

Come. I show you.

This came out of it. What?

You think there's gold in it?

I'll fix the generator.

Have you seen my screwdriver?

I can't... No.

Oh. Everything's gotta Happen to me today.

I'm trying to get Into mr. Drucker's

To put my order in,

Otherwise, I wouldn't Get my planting done.

What are you going to plant?

Seed wheat. Oh, seaweed.

I thought they grew That in the ocean.

No, not seaweed. Seed wheat.

Wheat seed you plant To get wheat from.

What's that? Coffee.

Ohh, here.

You put the coffee pot on the...

It's welded to the lid.

Well, can you get me Another coffee pot?

I'll ask mr. Drucker When I go in

To get my seaweed. I'll see... See... Seed

Wh-wheat seed!

Oh, darling. Ohh!

Be careful, you'll blow a fooz.

I say corn.

And I say soy beans.

Could I get waited on?

Corn. Soy beans.

Corn.

Could I get waited on?

What do you want?

2 sticks of chewing gum.

What?

Assorted. Give Me a fruit flavor...

I don't break up a pack.

Give it to me, I'll break it up.

Joe, will you stop interruptin'?

Now, this is important.

Fellas, you better Make up your minds,

Otherwise, I can't guarantee To deliver your seed on time.

Got any loose jellybeans?

Joe!

Sam, you can put me Down for soy beans.

75 bushels of corn.

Fred, you're making a mistake.

Ben, when doris's Lumbago starts acting up,

It's a sure sign to plant corn.

When emily gets Her cranky spells,

You better be out There planting soy beans.

Doris's lumbago's Been right more times

Than emily's cranky spells.

Oh, I don't agree with that.

Well, now, you remember What happened back in '48.

There's only one Way to settle this.

Yeah, with a nickel.

Put it on my account.

Boys...

Gotta approach This plantin' problem

Scientifically.

Now, just how bad Is doris's lumbago?

The worst she's ever had.

I have to push her out Of bed every morning

To get her to feed the pigs.

How cranky's emily been?

Well, she's been yammering at me

For 2 weeks now.

Every day? No.

It's been more like Every other day.

'fraid I'll have to go Along with doris's lumbago.

Me, too, ben. Doris has ached up

Some of the best corn crops We've ever had in the valley.

Well, I gotta admit, Emily ain't been

Real soy bean cranky.

Better put me Down for corn, too.

Good.

You were gonna charge Me 5 cents for this?

Ain't hardly worth finishin'.

Joe, you...

Morning, gentlemen.

Mornin', mr. Douglas.

Is there something I can do for you?

I want to place an order.

Like to split a package of gum?

No. No, thank you.

You can choose a flavor.

No, thank you very much.

I want to order my seed.

I was just takin' fred's And ben's order for seed.

Now, how much corn Can I put you down for?

Corn?

I'm planting wheat.

Wheat?!

Yes.

Your wife got any wheat bumps?

What are wheat bumps?

Oh, they're little knobs

Some folks get on their Heads this time of year.

It's a good sign For plantin' wheat.

Her bumps wouldn't Really count, anyway.

She's a city girl.

She might be bumpin' Onions for all we know.

My wife is not bumping anything.

Joe, mr. Douglas Doesn't even know

What you're talking about.

No. No, I'm sorry To have... Now...

About my seed...

Mr. Douglas.

Take the advice of a man

That's been farmin' 40 years.

Don't fly in the face Of doris's lumbago.

Your wife has lumbago? I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't knock it. It's Money in the bank.

Mr. Douglas, you see, The kind of weather

That brings on doris's lumbago

Seems to be the best For growin' corn.

Oh...

Emily gets cranky spells.

For corn? Soy beans.

Ain't met anybody with Swollen ankles, have you?

No.

Well, carrots ain't A very good crop

Around here, anyway.

Gentlemen.

I know you're all Successful farmers,

But there are better Scientific methods

Of farming than Basing your crops on...

On aches and pains.

What do you base yours on?

The department of agriculture.

Who?

The united states Department of agriculture.

I didn't know they had one.

Of course. In washington.

They tell you What to plant, huh?

No. No, they don't do that.

What do they plant?

Oh, they're not Planting anything.

Ain't got any faith in Their own judgment, huh?

Gentlemen, since the day The department of agriculture

Was founded, the Farmer has access

To the finest scientific Brains in america.

He's no longer Alone in his fields.

He knows that back There in washington

There's an army Of agriculturists,

Agronomists, chemists, Bacteriologists,

Meteorologists Peering into microscopes,

Heating up test tubes, you know,

Releasing balloons, Culling information,

Gathering data, Sorting, probing, shifting

With but one thought in mind:

What crops are good for america.

Now, the microscopes are dark,

The test tubes are cooled off,

And the balloons Are all recovered,

And the answer is wheat,

Gentlemen...

I am planting wheat.

That sure convinces me.

Me, too.

I think I'll double My order of corn.

Wheat? Yes, sir.

Well, wheat is a good crop.

Well, it's not a Good crop, it's, uh...

Wheat, huh?

Yeah. Don't try to Talk me out of it.

That's what the fellas At the store tried to do.

Mr. Douglas, we county Agents are not allowed

To talk anyone out of Making stupid mistakes.

I mean...

Not that you're Making a stupid mistake.

It's just that, uh...

You're gonna plant 160 acres in wheat?

You bet.

You basing this on bumps?

What?

Oh, you mean that Silly supers... No, no.

Yeah, it is kinda Silly, isn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, we prefer the Scientific approach.

Well, not strictly scientific.

Sometimes, we, uh, Well, not sometimes,

A lot of times, we, Uh, well, let's see,

Chief is so fond of saying,

"As mrs. Ziffel's lumbago goes,

So goes the corn crops."

Mrs. Ziffel has lumbago?

Oh, a big crop of it.

Of course, we're Not sure how big

The crop is, but...

Oh, the poor woman.

I ought to go and visit her.

That'd be nice.

How have you been, mr. Kimball?

Oh, fine. Just fine.

Well, not really fine.

I've been on my Feet a lot lately.

I think I got a touch

Of carrot ankle.

Not enough to plant by.

What's that?

Uh, that's an old wives' tale.

The people out here Plant their crops

According to their Aches and pains.

I had a headache this morning.

Asparagus.

Mr. Douglas, I'd look into that

If I were you.

Asparagus might be the answer.

I'm planting wheat.

How would you two Like to have some lunch?

That'd be wonderful. I'm starved.

Me, too. Where do we go?

Oh, lisa, you know there's No place we can go for lunch.

Oh, yes, there is.

The stork club, 21, tout chaud.

They're all in new york.

Mr. Kimball, how would You like to take off

A couple of days and have lunch?

Well, I, uh... Lisa.

How about you Fixing lunch for us?

Well... I could try it.

How would you like to have

Some coffee and toast?

Well, if it wouldn't Be too much trouble.

I don't know. I never made it.

You've never made toast?

Well, I've only Been here 5 weeks.

Oh, well, I'm really Not very hungry.

Oh, come on, let me make it.

Mrs. Bradley gave me the recipe.

Toast and coffee'd be just fine.

I'll make it without the coffee.

You forgot to bring Home the new coffee pot.

Oh, I forgot.

My wife welded the electric pot

To the stove this morning.

You learned to weld in 5 weeks?

That's very good. Excellent.

Uh, no, no, no.

This was an accident.

That could happen To the best of us.

Well, not the Best of us, but, uh...

Well, uh, toast without coffee

Will be just fine.

I plug in.

Uh, remember, the toaster's a 2.

You can't plug in More than a 5 with it.

There is already a 6 in it.

You'll have to pull it out.

The butter will melt.

Honey, a 2 won't go with a 6.

It's very simple.

All you gotta Remember is 6 and 1 are 7.

6 and 1 is 7.

I think I can remember that.

Mr. Kimball,

I want to ask you some Questions about wheat.

Wheat?

Oh, so, you're gonna Go ahead and do it?

I certainly am.

Well, that's fine, fine.

I know a lot of fellas That plant wheat.

Well, not a lot of fellas.

There was one. Tom henderson.

Yeah, he put in 640 acres.

Ooh.

That's a lot of wheat.

Wheat as far as The eye could see.

Fields of wheat.

Beautiful crop.

Lost his shirt.

What?

Well, he didn't lose his shirt.

Lost his farm and his wife.

He still has his shirt.

If the wheat was so Good, what happened?

The bottom fell out Of the wheat market.

Just like it did this morning.

Didn't you hear the Commodity broadcast?

Oh, no.

The generator went out Just as they were com...

It dropped?

Fell is a better word.

No... Dropped is better.

Wheat dropped?!

Dropped, huh? Ohh!

The bottom dropped right out.

I didn't hear the 7:00 report.

I was watching the tail End of the all-night movie.

John wayne in color.

I didn't know you Had a color tv set.

Oh, no, that's the name Of the movie, color.

You see, that's what the Gold miners used to say.

They used to say,

"You showin' any Color in your pan?"

That meant there Was gold in the pan.

That's very interesting.

Now, mr. Drucker,

Could I change my wheat seed?

Well, I guess That'd be all right.

What were you figurin' On changing it for?

Corn.

Glad to see you're going Along with doris's lumbago.

Well, uh, that's Not why I'm doing it.

I just thought, as Long as everybody else

Is going for corn...

I'd play it safe.

Well, that's a wise Decision, mr. Douglas.

Don't ask me to explain it, But corn seems to grow best

When doris ziffel has lumbago.

I ain't got lumbago.

You haven't? Nah.

I just told fred that.

Why?

Honey, when you're Married as long as me,

There's many mornings You don't want

To get out of bed And slop the pigs.

Well, mrs. Ziffel, I'm Glad that you're not sick.

I brought you a present.

Oh, thanks.

Last time I got a present

Was when I was first married.

Fred gave me my own plow.

Near busted my back pullin' it.

Looks like toast.

Thank you.

The first two I made You couldn't recognize.

Ah.

Well, it was awful nice of you

Bringin' me something When you thought

I was sick.

Well, I would have Brought you hotcakes,

But they were Too heavy to carry.

Honey, if I had your looks

And anything else you got,

I never woulda moved out here.

I promised my husband...

I promised fred I'd try livin' here.

That was 22 years ago.

And you know what?

He ain't never yet Asked if I liked it.

I work for that man.

I cook, I clean, I scrub, I sew,

And what does it get me?

An $8 bonus on christmas.

I don't even get that

If my lumbago don't pay off.

That's why this Morning, I just decided...

Oh, you know arnold.

How do you do?

He doesn't like me.

Oh, you're sitting In his favorite chair.

No, no, don't get up.

Go watch tv.

Arnold loves john wayne.

John wayne. Would You believe it?

When fred and me Was first married,

People used to Come up to us and say,

"Are you john wayne?"

I had an awful time Convincin' 'em I wasn't.

She had a terrible life.

Cooking, cleaning Up, washing dishes,

And telling everyone

She wasn't john wayne.

What?

I couldn't see it, But I didn't want

To hurt her feelings.

For cryin' out loud, do You realize what she's done?

She's got fred ziffel Planting corn, mr. Miller...

We ain't plantin' rutabagars.

Why didn't you come home And tell me this right away?

We've planted a half an acre.

Well, darling, I couldn't.

She was so lonely.

Her husband was outside,

And arnold was In the living room

Watching television. I don't...

Arnold the pig?

We gonna go on plantin' Corn, mr. Douglas?

Of course not.

What about this half-acre?

Find the seeds

And put them back into the sack.

Well, I don't know, mr. Douglas.

There ain't much of a market

For used corn seed. Used?

Oh, it's hardly used.

It wasn't in the Ground... 2 hours.

Well, I... We cleaned it

All off, we dusted every speck.

You won't find a Speck of dirt on...

Hello there, mr. Douglas.

Oh, hello there, mr. Ziffel.

I want to apologize to you

For my wife doris fakin'.

Oh, please, nothing at All. No... No harm done.

What do you mean, "No harm done?"

Everybody's bringin' Back his corn seed.

What are you planting Instead, mr. Ziffel?

Wheat.

Doris has got a couple Of beautiful bumps

On her head.

Oh, they ain't real wheat bumps.

At first I thought They was horns.

Mr. Ziffel, you didn't...

No, I didn't put 'em there.

She tripped over arnold

When she was Going in to watch tv.

What's mr. Ziffel Planting wheat for?

It was down this morning.

It came up again On the 2:00 news.

I'm planting wheat.

I wouldn't if I was you.

What are you Planting, mr. Miller?

Soy beans.

But wheat was up On the 2:00 news.

Soy beans was higher On the 3:00 news.

And emily was crankier.

What's it gonna be, mr. Douglas?

Well, it's very simple.

I'll plant half of My farm in wheat

And the other half in soy beans.

I'll help you load your car.

Mr. Haney.

What are you... Shh.

What are you doing?

Listenin' to my car radio.

The radio is... Shh.

Oh, I love that vic and sade.

Where you been, mr. Douglas?

Buyin' my seed.

Oh, what'd you buy?

Wheat and soy beans.

Very shrewd. They was up at 3:00.

Course, it's almost 4:00 now.

I'll get the latest price Report on the radio.

Secuse me, mr. Douglas,

You're standin' Between me and pixley.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, here it is.

Soy beans... Yeah?

Down. Ohh.

Well, that's only half Of what I'm gonna plant.

What about wheat?

Wheat... Way down.

What's up? Corn.

Corn? That's what you want?

Yes. So, if you'll Take back my wheat

And my soy beans, I'll load up with corn.

Ok, well, I got That sack of stuff

You brought back this afternoon.

Good.

Sam.

I'm bringin' back the wheat.

Oh, now, look here, fred!

I decided against Soy beans, sam.

You fellas gonna plant corn?

Nope. Potatoes.

Potatoes?

Just heard a Bulletin on the radio

About the department Of agriculture.

Ah, so you decided to use The scientific approach?

Instead of that Silly superstition

Of the cranky spells and The lumbago and the bumps.

What did the bulletin say?

Secretary of agriculture's

Got a cold.

Cold?

Yes, sir. And it's Gonna be a big year

For potatoes.

I can't understand how I got so panicked today.

You know, in the city, If the stock market

Goes down, I don't Rush to my broker

And sell my stock.

But out here, one Report that wheat is down,

And I change to corn.

And then I hear a report

That mrs. Ziffel's Lumbago is a fake,

And I switch to soy beans.

Then I hear th-that Soy beans are down,

I sell my soy bean... Ohh.

I got a simple solution.

What?

Let's go back to new york.

I am not going back to new york.

I know that I can Make this farm work.

If fred ziffel can Make his farm work,

There's no re...

What's this candle doing In the refrigerator?

Darling, I had to plug In the dishwasher,

Which is the 5, so I had to Unplug the refrigerator,

Which is the 6.

So, when I opened the door,

The light didn't go on, And then I couldn't see,

So I put in the candle.

Good thinking.

Oh, good, the number 5 stopped.

Now I can plug in the number 6.

You see, I'm learning.

Yes, you are learning.

And I'm proud of you. I'm very proud of you,

And why did you put An electric toaster

In the dishwasher?!

Well, it was full of crumbs.

Never put an electrical Appliance in a dishwasher.

Well, I'm sorry, Darling, but, you see,

I work on the Principle of 7, also.

For 5 good things I Do, I do 2 stupid things.

You know you have The number 8 kiss?

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