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Oliver: ♪ green acres Is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin' is The life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' Out so far and wide ♪

♪ keep manhattan, just Give me that countryside ♪

Lisa: ♪ new york ♪

♪ is where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic ♪

♪ smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore a Penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you ♪

♪ but give me park avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ times square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ good-bye, city life ♪

♪ green acres, we are there ♪

Seed.

You gonna plant The whole 160 acres

By finger?

No.

What's the matter, mr. Douglas?

How did that get in there?

Oh, I guess that's one Of mr. Haney's empties.

What did he bury it here for?

The rest of the Fields are all filled up.

Seed, please.

I thought you were Gonna wait for the report

On the soil analysis

Before you started planting.

I can't wait.

That report was Supposed to have been here

From the state agricultural College last week.

Oh!

Champagne!

Oh, that was from mr. Haney's

Big celebration party.

What was he celebrating?

Selling you the farm.

Lisa?

Lisa? Darling, Have you seen my...

What are you doing?

Making the bed.

Making the bed?

Good heavens, that son of mine

Has turned you Into a chambermaid.

There is nothing to it.

I do it every day.

Well, it's wrong.

It's wrong to do this to you.

You, who were once presented To the king of sweden...

How well I remember His majesty remarking

How beautiful and... And feminine you were,

And how...

Lisa?

Yes, mother?

What are you doing out there?

Tucking.

Oh, lisa, you have got To get out of this...

Termite trap Before it's too late!

Darling, I promised oliver

I'm going to stay for 6 months.

Well, maybe he'll give you Time off for good behavior.

I am happy if oliver is happy.

Oh, lisa, you've Got to talk to him.

You've got to get him To give up this insanity

And go back to new York and his law practice.

Darling, it's for Your own good. It's...

Lisa?

Lisa, where are you?

Here I am, mother.

Good morning. Oh!

Oliver.

What are you doing on our bed?

Talking to lisa.

You trying to get her To go back to new york?

My poor boy, it's For your own good

As well as hers.

Mother, see here. If you...

What happened to your finger?

I planted a whole Acre with that.

With that one finger?

Oh, dear.

Oliver, you know I love you.

Yes, and I love you.

Then you will See a psychiatrist.

Oliver, you're not Cut out to be a farmer.

You don't have a Strong enough finger.

Mother!

Oh, lisa...

Can't you make him Listen to reason?

Sorry.

Mother,

Have you ever thought Of getting married again?

What?

Yeah, then you could Run your husband's life

Instead of mine.

Mother...

Oliver is right.

You should get married again.

Oh.

Well, if the right Man came along...

Betty june, did you Spill a bottle of...

Where is that coming from?

Uncle joe?

Oh, hi, kate.

Just getting Ready to go fishing.

Fishing?

Yeah, I sprayed on A little citronella,

Keep the mosquitoes away.

That smells like billy Joe's best cologne.

Ah, mosquitoes won't Know the difference.

Oh! You're not supposed To clean your shoes

With the towels.

I made that rule Just for the guests.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, well, it don't Make no difference.

Probably be muddy Down along the creek.

Well, be seeing you, kate.

Just a second.

You forgot this.

I won't need this, kate.

I'm going spear fishing.

Bait.

All right, uncle joe.

Who is she?

Who's who?

The fish you're gonna spear.

She ain't a fish.

Oh, then it is a she.

Yeah, but that's all I'm gonna tell you.

Well, I'm not one to pry.

Where are you taking Mr. Douglas' mother?

Well, we...

How did you know it Was mr. Douglas' mother?

Well, you've been turned down

By every other Woman in the valley.

I have not.

Why did you spray Yourself for mrs. Douglas?

Well, I just felt Sorry for the old...

Nobody ever asks her out.

It's the neighborly thing to do.

Especially since She's got money.

She has money?

I think so.

Any idea how much?

Uncle joe.

It ain't the money.

It's just that she ought to have

Somebody to look After it for her.

There's a lot of Sharpies in the valley.

Yeah, I know.

The minute they find Out a woman has money,

They put on ice cream pants,

Spray themselves,

And tell everybody they're going

Spear fishing.

Yeah, and...

Have a good time, uncle joe.

Seed.

Hello, mr. Douglas, eb.

Hi, mr. Kimball.

Hi, mr. Kimball. Have I been waiting

To see you!

Hurt yourself?

Oh, uh, no, I, uh... Uh...

He's been finger planting.

Finger planting?

Ain't that a kick?

I'm going.

What's finger planting?

Finger planting, You know. I, uh...

And then I put a seed in.

Oh! Well, that's One way of doing it.

Not that I ever heard of anybody

Doing it that way.

But there's no law against it.

At least, I don't think

There's any law against it.

I could check with the chief.

Mr. Kimball...

You know how the american indian

Used to plant his crops?

He used a seeding machine.

Well, it wasn't Really a machine.

It was a...

Well, they used to Tie a bunch of squaws

Together, and...

Well, they weren't all squaws.

Some of them were British soldiers

They had captured, and, uh...

Well, they didn't capture them.

Some of them...

Mr. Kimball.

May I ask you a question?

Why, certainly, mr. Douglas.

That's what I'm here for.

All I want to know

Is did you get the report Back on my soil samples?

Soil samples?

I gave them to you 3 weeks ago.

Oh! The 3-week-ago ones.

Yes.

Did you send them in?

Certainly.

And I must say

That yours were packed Nicer than anybody's.

Well, a lot of the farmers

Put their samples In, uh, old cigar boxes

Or paper bags.

But those glass Jars... Heh heh heh.

They certainly Break very easily.

They broke?

Oh, no, they didn't break.

They just sort of cracked.

Yes, I guess they did break.

Why didn't you tell me before?

Well, it was out of my hands.

I had to notify the Post office department.

And they sent an inspector down

To inspect the package,

And, uh, I must admit he Was very nice about it,

And he said it was broken.

Anybody can tell it's broken.

Yes, anybody could. But not officially

Until the post office shook it.

But once they shook it,

They cut right Through the red tape

And said it was broken.

You told me that Unless I get my seeds in

Within the next 3 weeks,

I'll miss the whole Planting season.

What do I do now?

Well,

If you get some new Soil samples together,

I'll deliver them myself.

Well, not myself.

I'll see that they get there.

Never mind, I'll take them.

Where is the lab?

The second floor.

Of what?

Oh, the state university.

Well, it's not Really a university.

The founder money used...

I'll find it.

While you're at the lab,

Be sure that you tell them

About your finger planting.

They might want to Get a bulletin out on it.

Oh, mr. Carson.

I just happened to be In the neighborhood

And thought I'd drop by.

Come in, come in.

Oh. Citronella.

Oh.

You're so dressed up.

Uh, this is my fishing outfit.

Anybody home?

I am home.

Any unmarried people?

Oh.

I'll get mother.

Oh, uh...

If she's milking a Cow or anything,

Don't bother.

She's just in the kitchen.

Oh, mother,

There is someone Here to see you.

Who in this horrible Place would...

Oh.

It's you.

Hi, eunice.

Eunice?

Mr. Carson, who Gave you permission

To call me by my first name?

I don't remember.

But it couldn't have been you.

Here. Brought you Some gum drops.

Gum drops?

Yeah, you got gums, ain't you?

That was very thoughtful Of you, mr. Carson.

Well, kate was gonna Throw them away anyway.

Some salesman Left them in his room.

Yuck.

I think I better Leave you 2 alone.

Bye.

Lisa!

Care to sit down?

No, thank you.

Suit yourself.

Mr. Carson,

Don't you usually remove Your hat in the house?

Waiting for the Brilliantine to dry.

Mr. Carson, may I ask

What the purpose Of this visit is?

Well, I figured, you Being stuck out here,

You might like To mix in a little

With our social life.

I can hardly wait.

I figured you'd play a Little harder to get.

I beg your pardon?

How would like to Play a little poker

At the elk's club tonight?

The elk's club?

I can get you in. I'll borrow a tooth.

Really, mr. Carson, I am not interested.

That ain't the whole evening.

Afterwards, we go bowling.

Then we have a Bite at the diner.

Dutch treat, of course.

I always go dutch On the first date.

In case it don't work out,

I ain't out nothing.

Mr. Carson...

We'll meet in front Of sam's store at 8:00.

Don't forget your bowling shoes.

Oh!

Lisa!

Oh, hiya, mr. Carson.

Mr. Douglas, I'd like To ask you something.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, lisa.

This is very important.

Yeah, what is it?

Is it all right if I take Your mother out tonight?

Take my mother out?

What are you asking me for?

I...

Lisa!

What is it, darling?

Is it all right if I take Mrs. Douglas out tonight?

It's all right with me.

Lisa, I, uh...

Why shouldn't he?

Mr. Carson is a very nice man.

Well said, baby.

Mr. Carson, this Is very important.

Now, lisa, I've got to drive

Up to the state university

To take these soil samples.

What happened to the other ones?

They broke them

They didn't like them.

Oh, no, uh...

Look, I gotta change.

What time do you want your Mother home, mr. Douglas?

What time? I don't care.

I just didn't want To get started

On the wrong foot, son.

Son?

Come on, darling, let's change.

Come along.

Just an expression.

Nothing he'll hold me to.

Mr. Carson, would You mind leaving?

I'm feeling a little faint.

Oh. Uh...

Put your head between Your legs and cough.

Not while you're Standing up, of course.

Mr. Carson, would You please leave?

Now, see what you've Done, you clumsy oaf!

Well, all you gotta Do is put the right dirt

Back in the right bottle.

All I have to do?

And you better Not make a mistake.

Otherwise your son won't Get an accurate report.

Mr. Carson!

I'll see you at 8:00.

Oh, you better bring Your own towel.

Them hand dryers at the alleys

Don't always work too good.

How do I know which...

So he gets a bad Report. What do I...

Oh.

Oh. Be careful, I...

I'm sorry, professor.

No, I'm not a professor.

Uh, I'm trying to Find the soil lab.

Soil lab.

Yes.

I'm sorry, I'm a business Administration major.

Oh.

Hey, duke, where's the soil lab?

What's that?

It's where they test the soil.

Oh, well, you got me.

I'm majoring in phys. Ed.

I thought you were A theater arts major.

No, I changed my major.

Otherwise, I wouldn't Have gotten credit

For those 2 years Of hygiene I took.

Fellows, the soil lab.

Chuck. Chuck could tell you.

He's an aggie major.

Uh-huh. Now, Where will I find him?

He's in the soil lab.

But where...

Never mind.

Douglas, douglas, douglas.

Oh, yes, kimball Called me about you.

Yes, yes, yes.

Eh, you're the man who...

Oh, yes, well, I thought I'd gain a little time.

You didn't break it, did you?

A little sore, but it's, uh...

Mr. Webster, about My soil samples.

You know, I'm new to farming.

I was a new york attorney.

And some of my friends Thought that I was out of my mind

To give up a successful practice

And move out of a penthouse To devote my life to farming.

Well, I can Understand how they...

No, mr. Webster. Now, let me tell you.

They are the ones who Are out of their minds...

Living in a dirty city,

Pushing and shoving, Trying to survive.

When a man can have A little piece of land

And till it...

Bring little green Things to life...

Nourish them into maturity...

Harvest them...

And then bring them To the marketplace,

Knowing that he's making An important contribution

To the lifeblood Of our economy...

You can...

Still go back to Your law practice,

Can't you?

Yes, I could, but I Don't want to do that.

No, I want to be a farmer.

Well, kimball said you were a...

But then, he's no psychiatrist!

So, now, mr. Douglas,

I know you're anxious About these samples.

I'll put them through For you right away.

Darling...

How did it go?

Go and pack.

Pack?

Everything. Clothing, furniture...

We're going back to new york.

Going back to new york? Wait till I tell mother.

Why are we going Back to new york?

That's what you want, isn't it?

Of course that's what I want,

But... But you don't want it.

And if you don't Want it, I don't want it,

Because I want What you don't want.

Lisa, go and pack.

Not until you tell me why.

You know, this... This soil...

Has got...

Well, it hasn't really...

Well, they... They Told me that it had...

Well, that's not possible.

I'm not gonna talk about this.

Go on, pack.

Where are you going?

I'm going in to drucker's,

And I'm gonna call new york,

See if we can get our Penthouse back, and...

See about putting The farm up for sale.

I'll be back later.

Now, uh, when will my Ad run, mr. Drucker?

In this week's edition.

Only I don't think you're Gonna get too many offers

Once the word gets around

About the condition Of your soil.

No, I suppose not.

Of course, we'll miss You and mrs. Douglas.

People around here were Just getting used to you.

Thank you.

Of course, they haven't Got used to your mother yet.

Neither have I.

Oh, say, that reminds me.

She sent me a list of Some things she needs.

You mind taking them with you?

No.

Uh, what did I do With that list?

Oh, there you are, mr. Douglas.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, hi, mr. Kimball.

I suppose you heard About the soil reports.

Heard about it? The state university

Has been burning up the wires.

Well, they didn't actually burn.

They called washington.

Washington?

The city, not the man.

Oh, I mean, he's been, uh...

You probably read about that.

Well, anyway, they, uh...

They were going to call in

The secretary of agriculture,

But, uh, they thought It might create

A national crisis.

Well, not a national crisis.

It's not as bad as The japanese beetles,

Or anything like that.

Found your mother's list.

Uh, good. Mr. Kimball...

Why did my soil test Cause all this furor?

Well, it wasn't the soil.

It's what they found in it.

I mean, there was, uh...

38% bath powder...

Bath powder?

Large can of bath powder...

28%, uh...

Hand lotion.

Bottle of hand lotion...

There was, uh, 14% toothpaste.

Small toothpaste...

12.5% cold cream...

Jar of cold cream...

And 8%...

Wait, wait, hold it.

What's next on that list?

Nail polish remover.

8% nail polish remover.

Mother.

But, oliver, I only Did it for you!

To get you to see the light!

To get you out of This house of horrors!

Mother, this is worse

Than what you did to dad!

Painting pink elephants On his bedroom wall

So he'd...

Well, it worked!

Well, this didn't.

I'll get my bags and Go back to new york.

Oh, now...

You don't have to do that.

Oh, oliver,

You're such an Understanding son.

Not like your father.

He wouldn't speak to me

For 3 years after Those elephants.

Of course he...

Where is lisa?

I've gotta tell Her the good news.

She's out in the fields.

Lisa!

Do you know what mother...

Look.

What's that?

What you planted.

This morning?

You see, the soil is good.

They made a mistake With the report.

Come on!

Lisa! Aren't...

Darling...

We don't have to Go back to new york.

This is a good farm,

And you are a wonderful farmer!

This morning you Planted the little seeds,

And eb watered them,

And the sun came down on them

And bathed them, And... And look.

A carrot.

Isn't mother nature wonderful?

Oh, yes.

She certainly is.

This is where I Planted tomatoes.

Well, perhaps it's A long, thin tomato.

No.

Well, perhaps you made A mistake with the seeds.

No.

Lisa...

You're wonderful.

Now...

Where did you get the carrots?

I rented them from mr. Haney.

All right, let's take them back.

I wouldn't even Attempt to explain it.

Why do you have to do that?

Mr. Haney won't take them back

If they are dirty.

Oh, sweetheart.

You're a paradox.

So are you.

Whatever that is.

Well, I mean, I know you Want to go back to new york,

And yet today you Planted these carrots

So that I'd stay. Now... Now, why did you do that?

I wasn't thinking.

My mother...

You know, you were Very cruel to her.

Well, she had it coming.

Well, you shouldn't Have done what you did.

No, she deserved Everything she got.

Oh, what a night.

How many more times Do I have to go out

With that uncouth Carson character?

Oh, no!

Didn't you have a good time?

It was horrible!

I lost $3.20 at poker.

And my bill at the Diner was $1.80.

And...

Could you help me

Get this off my hand?

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