Original subtitles

Oh, dear.

The price is at garage charges.

£17 .50 for a new what's -name.

Oh, well, that's inflation for you. The price of what's -a -names have gone up.

Ah, the dude on me motorbike perished and dropped off.

Yeah, hardly been used.

A warning to us all, George.

And they were sarcastic.

Said the headlamp needed a new gas mantle.

Well, he can't deny it's old.

I mean, the speedometer has got Roman numerals.

That bike's a classic. I've done a tonne on that bike. So have most of the local

cats.

Look, why don't you trade it in for a car?

Oh, yeah, what do you fancy?

A Rolls, a Mercedes?

Oh, look, George, there's a lovely little second -hand mini here.

There's only 350 quid.

I mean, trade in your bike.

All we need to find is another 349.

It's a status symbol you want, isn't it? Yeah.

I think a second -hand mini just about sums up our status.

You've been restless ever since you passed the driving test. Our seniors

in the bar, changing gear with a lavatory brush.

But, George, what's the point of having a driving licence if you never drive?

I mean, it's the same as having a marriage licence if you never... Oh,

start that again.

Anyway, what do we want with a car?

Well, we could take my mother out for little trips, in comfort.

She does not enjoy sitting on your handlebars.

Are you trying to tell me that if we had a car, we'd see more of your mother?

Oh, well, I mean... Yeah, well, that settles it.

Anyway, you know she gets car sick.

Well, we could hang a little chain down the back.

Oh, that's a good idea. She could hang on to it and run behind.

Watch it.

Listen, if your mother wants a drive, let your sister Ethel take her.

She's got more cars than her rental.

Consuelo, would you turn off the hi -fi stereo on the way out?

Here we are, Mother.

After tea, we'll get in the Mini, drive to the garages and go for a little spin

in the Jaguar, or perhaps the BMW.

Oh, that'd be lovely, Mildred.

Ethel, dear.

Yes. Is George having tea?

Well, he may be, but I'm married to Humphrey. Now, do have a marzipan

Oh, I can't. I've left my eating teeth at home.

Where is Humphrey?

He's in Schleswig -Holstein.

Oh.

I've never been to Devon myself.

Schleswig -Holstein, Europe, Mother. He's at a meat trades conference in

Turoffel. Oh.

Nice. He's reading a... paper on the roll of the sausage in the EEC.

Milk or lemon?

Both. Milk.

How are you getting on with your new reading glasses?

Oh, they are lovely.

Do you know, I can see this as clearly as if it was in front of my very eyes.

Country life, yes, we have it hand delivered every week. Oh.

Look at this.

Commode. Went for £1 ,300 at South By.

Well, it is Regency, Mother.

Still, seems an awful lot of money just to spend a penny.

Yes. And this one, China Ross.

Went for £10 ,000.

It's Ming, and there's only one other like it in the whole world.

Yes.

That'll be the one your father had.

Probably.

Now, do have one of these little... What?

I brought it back from the China Seas just before the war.

Father did?

Yes. One at gambling. You remember, we used to keep it on top of the wally.

Yes. Yes, I... But... Yes.

Are you sure it was exactly the same?

Well, I had to dust it every day, didn't I?

Oh, we had a lovely set of plastic dust. No, never mind the plastic.

What happened to the horse, Mother?

Oh, now, let me think now. When your father passed out, we shared all

his... I think Ethel got it.

I'm Ethel.

Oh, yes.

Well, it must be Mildred, then.

Ten thousand pounds.

Someone ought to tell her. Yes.

Yes. Leave it to me. I'll do it, Mother.

Hmm.

Hello? Hello, Ethel. It's Mildred.

I'm sorry. I mean, it's Ethel.

Hello, love. I've got Mother visiting.

Oh, in her life.

Say hello.

She says hello.

Coo -ee!

She says... She says coo -ee.

Anyway, I'll be driving her back later in the Jaguar XJ6, or possibly the BMW.

Or possibly both. Now, don't be bitter, Mildred.

Anyway, I thought I'd pop in on the way back.

Oh. Oh, well, yes, love, yeah.

Have a little chat about things?

Well, see you later, darling.

Hello, Tiger.

You're late home.

He had detention.

Yes, for something I didn't do.

Oh, that's not fair. What was it?

My homework.

Phil, you scored twice at football, didn't you?

One of them doesn't count.

It was in our own golf.

Geoffrey, what's the price of land around here?

Oh, about £30 ,000 an acre.

There must be five quids worth on this shirt.

I'll run you a bath.

All right.

Daddy? Hmm? Can I ask your advice?

It's not about the birds or bees.

Ah. It's about white mice.

White mice?

A boy at school has got one, and he wants to swap it for my marble.

Not a good idea. No. You see, your mother is absolutely terrified of mice.

Terrified.

Well, she thinks that they'll run up her leg and nibble her stocking tops.

Women. Exactly.

What do you want to borrow this from those toffee -nosed twits for?

Because my sister is coming around.

Well, we've got nothing in the house but instant. Well, there's no need for her

to know that. Now, when Ethel arrives, what are you going to say to her?

Goodbye. What?

I'm going off to the pub. You are not.

I mean, at least stay for a minute, George. I mean, you know, talk about

something like the weather, you know. Oh, yeah.

Lovely day, isn't it, Ethel?

Oh, yes, George, I paid for it, you know.

Lovely to see you.

Come on in.

Dear George.

Look who's here.

Lovely day, isn't it, Ethel?

Yes, it is.

Right, I'm off to the pub.

Well, I suppose that was quite chatty for him.

Did you get my mother home all right? Oh, you know what she is like in a car.

I was a little worried about possible thicky -poos over the brass suede, but

made it. Oh, good.

Oh, how did you fill away?

Discussing the tripe mountain.

And the problems of breeding a metric pig.

Oh, would you like a cup of coffee?

I've got a percolator. Oh, yes.

Finally amassed enough green shield stamp, did we?

Or perhaps the saucer of milk.

No. No, nothing for me, thank you. No.

Why I really dropped in was to talk about Daddy.

Daddy? Well, you mean... Our Daddy, yes.

Now, you may think I'm over -sentimental about him.

Er, no. You called him a drunken old fool.

That was before he died.

It was at his funeral.

I was just trying to hide my grief.

Well, anyway, I suddenly realised this morning that I hadn't got a single thing

to remember him by.

Well, what sort of thing?

Oh, you know, a souvenir.

Oh. A lock of hair, a faded photograph, a china horse.

Oh, well, I think I can help you there.

Oh, Mildred, I wasn't thinking that you... No, it's all right, love. Just a

minute. I've got just the thing.

Here, look.

A photograph.

Oh, yeah.

Look, that's him. Outside the pub.

Doesn't look like him. No, well, he was probably sober at the time.

No, no, I couldn't take it, Mildred. It's far too precious.

Haven't you got anything else?

Well, uh... Do you remember that thing that used to fit on top of the wireless?

What, a cat?

No. No, a china thing. A horse, I believe. I think it passed into your

clutches. Well, a china... Oh, that!

Oh, yeah, it was just a little keepsake, you know, along with the plastic dust.

No, never mind the plastic... The horse would be nice. Do you think you still

have it? Oh, yes, love. It'll be in with all our junk.

What, in here?

No, it'll be in the garage or the attic.

I'll get George to dig it out for you.

Oh, are you sure you wouldn't rather have the photograph?

No. Thank you. Oh, well, when George finds it, I'll give you a ring, all

I mean, are you going to be in tomorrow?

Tomorrow. Well, you're not in any hurry for it, are you?

No.

No, I suppose not.

No.

Well, well, well. Where did you come from?

You certainly like cheese.

Mum, he came up with my geography.

Oh.

You found him? Yes, he was in your sports bag. Isn't he cute?

But Daddy said you were terrified of mice.

Me? I used to keep them when I was your age.

Then why...

Well, that's all the leaves done. Now I've just got to do the lawn and... Ah!

It's all right, Geoffrey. Take it away.

Don't let her out of the cage.

It'll run up my leg.

He's really nervous over it. He must be. He hasn't taken his wellies off since

he saw it.

You know, my sister Ethel, she's exactly the same. She hates mice.

When I was George, it's spiders.

He always shouts down the plug hole before he gets in the bath.

Oh, shit.

Hey, it's filthy in that garage.

Oh, you found it there?

Of course I did. It's the back of the house.

Yeah.

Filthy and full of rubbish. I shall have to have a bath.

I only had one a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Don't forget to shout down the plug hole. Oh, you do that as well, do you?

Still in one piece.

That's nice.

Yeah. It's a sort of family heirloom. Yeah.

Actually, I've seen a photograph of something very like this recently.

Oh, yeah? In Country Life.

Oh. Very similar. Yeah? It was sold for £10 ,000.

Oh. How much?

Oh, my goodness.

My goodness me.

Oh, my dear.

I'm not much cleaner now than when I started.

I was whirling the soap on a rope round me and it flew out through the window.

What? Yes, I was playing helicopters.

George, come and sit down a minute. Come on.

I tried using some of that pink stuff of yours. It took half the airs off me

legs.

George. Look at that photograph.

Now, is there anything in this room that reminds you of that?

No.

Are you sure?

Lady Diana Fitzwilliams launches a ship.

The other page.

Oh, the horse.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, it's a bit like that one, isn't it? Yeah.

Worth 10 ,000 quid. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, I'll finish using the shampoo. What?

It's the same, isn't it?

Yeah, well, it looks like it, but... How did they get into our garage to

photograph it?

It's a matching pair, George.

The only other one in the world, according to that. Yeah, but, Mildred, I

know if you follow this, but, I mean, this could be worth a lot of money.

Well, we could buy new soap on a rope.

We could buy a new... We could buy a new car.

Hey, no wonder your sister wanted it.

Oh, yes.

A souvenir of father.

Oh, she is too faint.

Well, if you can't be, she wouldn't go round with that one.

I knew there was money involved.

She had beads of sweat on her knees.

Hey, Mildred, this means I could afford a new wash name for the motorbike. Yes.

I could afford a new motorbike. No, George, don't let us count our

before they're hatched. Now, we are going to check up on this, on the actual

value. We'll talk to an expert.

Excuse me.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I was just trying to date a little shepherd boy.

Oh, yes.

They have marks on their bottom, you know.

Well, now, what can I do for you, young lady?

Oh, I've come about a horse.

The betting shop is next door.

No, I want to know what this is worth.

A Tesco supermarket bag.

Well, perhaps in 50 years it might be... No, no, no, not a bag.

This. Oh.

Ah, well, now.

The value depends on whether it is genuine. The hallmark, so to speak. One

to understand the significance of the symbols.

Those cryptic little marks have been so much to the expert and so little to the

layman.

One...

1927.

What does that mean?

It means it was made in 1927.

Birmingham.

Oh.

Birmingham.

You mean it's not the same as this one?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is just a cheap copy.

They made thousands of them, you know, in 19... 27.

Yes. In Birmingham.

Oh, you know a little about these things.

Absolutely sure.

Well, let me put it this way.

It's worth about 30 shillings.

And you are the third person who has been in this week.

30, Bob.

Hey, Mildred.

Mildred, something exciting's happened.

I've just been down to the Social Security in the High Road.

Well, it's not very exciting so far.

No, no, no. On my way back, I passed that antique shop on the corner.

Up next to the... You mean the one next to the betting shop? Yeah, that's right.

Guess what you're putting in through the window.

Hang on, I haven't finished yet.

And guess what?

There.

And you bought them? Well, of course I did. The old fool only charged a fiver

each, and they're worth, what's it, oh, £10 ,000.

George, why are they worth £10 ,000?

Well, because it's only one of them in the whole wide world.

They're cheap copies, George, and we are £15 short on the social security money.

Um, a bit more, actually.

What? Well, it is next to the betting shop, and I thought, horse, horse. And

there was one in the 230, Stoke of Fortune.

Well, it seemed an omen. So which horse won?

Darth April.

That was the omen?

God, you fool.

Hello? Hello, Mildred, it's Ethel. Oh, yes.

I was just passing one of our telephones, and I thought I'd give you a

Oh.

Well, cheerio. Oh, I almost forgot.

Did you find that little memento of Daddy's for me?

Yes, dear, they're on the... It's on the table. Oh, really? Oh, I'll rush...

I'll pop over right away. Bye.

Wow. She's in a hurry.

What's she want it for?

Work it out, George.

Oh,

yes, she thinks it's worth... Yeah, exactly.

Now... We'll get these three out of sight before she arrives. Right.

I didn't think Daddy was frightened of anything in the world.

Apart from you.

Oh, thank you.

Well, when you grow up, I thought you learned not to be frightened.

No, you just learned not to show that you're frightened.

He's not doing a very good job.

Tristram.

I'm sorry that the little chap's escaped.

What? Must have picked the lock or something.

No, no, he's in the roper's garden.

Never catch him now. Pity.

You mean he jumped over that high fence?

No, no, no. I was holding the cage over the fence to show him the roper's garden

and the door fell open and he escaped.

He's gone back to the wild.

He certainly has, in their garden.

I'm sorry.

I don't mind.

It's just like Elf of the Lion in Born Free.

Absolutely. That's the only way to think of it.

She came back and brought all her cubs with her.

Are you going to tell her what it's worth to come clean with her?

Yeah, if she comes clean with me.

Oh, now, don't you say one word.

Oh, you can alarm me.

And that goes for you too, Moby, too. Not a word.

I know it cuts down the light, but... Oh, there, look.

What a beautiful object.

Oh, thank you, Ethel.

It's not worth anything, of course, except perhaps sentimental value. I

I've got...

sentimental about it myself.

Oh, you mustn't, Mildred.

I'm getting quite attached to it, too.

A memento of your father and that. You never even met him. Yes, I did. I tried

on his hand at our wedding.

Well, it's been lovely having this little chat. I'll just take this away.

just a minute, Ethel. I don't think I want you to have it. I mean, after all,

money can't buy memories.

Yes, that's very true. Very true. Ten pounds.

Done.

George. Go and put the kettle on. I'll go and put the kettle on.

I'm sorry, Ethel, but I'm very sentimental about it. I see.

Fifty. Fifty? All right, then a hundred.

Dear me, were you that fond of father?

Who? Oh, yes, yes.

Oh, think of it, Mildred, a hundred pounds.

Yes, it's a lot of money. Exactly, you could live like I do for an hour or two.

I could put a deposit down on a nice little second -hand car.

So? No.

£200. £15.

£215. £15.

Oh, no, I mean, I couldn't take any more for my own sister.

Done. Right. Now, if you wouldn't mind just signing this little receipt for me.

Make everything nice and legal. All right, then.

You do know that it's worth this, don't you? Yes, of course it is. Yeah, right.

Oh, lovely.

Yes. Well, I must rush.

I've got an appointment at Satherby's.

Oh, in Mildred?

Yes. Guess what ran in through the back door just now? What?

A little white mouse.

It's broken.

Well, it wasn't worth anything.

It was.

There was only one other like it in the whole world.

Oh, what? Do you mean...