Original subtitles

Come on then, Moby. Off we go.

Let's go into the kitchen, eh?

You'll like it in here.

There we are.

Right.

It's time for a spring clean, isn't it?

Don't worry, I'm not going to wash you. Just the bowl.

There you can splash about in the sink. That'd make a nice change, wouldn't it?

Oh, I tell you what.

I'll put in a cup and saucer.

Then you can swim through the handle.

That'd be fun, wouldn't it?

Of course, you might not make it. You're putting on weight, aren't you?

Yeah, we shall have to go on a diet.

Right, let's have a look then.

Yeah,

that seems about right.

All right.

There we go then.

Gently does it.

Yeah.

Well, don't go round and round in circles. You've got more room in there.

Oh, God. Can't a man and his fish have a quiet conversation?

I'm in the kitchen.

Just those buses.

I mean, I waited half an hour and then six turned up all at the same time.

I think they cloned them down at the depot.

Hey, did you get the sand?

Yes, here we are.

And the woman next door to me, she had a baby.

What, there and then, on the bus?

She had a baby with her.

Kept sticking a dirty great lollipop in my face.

In the end, I bit it. You should have heard the mother.

I'm not surprised if you bit her baby.

George, I think you're getting more obtuse as you get older.

No, I'm not. I'm the same weight as I've always been.

If you... What are you doing with my royal family tea cloth?

What? Royal family?

Oh. Oh, look, the colours have all run.

Well, didn't I? Didn't I?

I mean, you'd think she'd be waterproof, being the Queen and that. Oh.

Honestly, George, I'm only gone for four... Ah!

Oh, yeah.

I've been skipping down the engine.

Fill the bath with coal.

Yeah, get some whippets.

Burn some mattresses in the garden. Oh, Mildred, you don't need to be childish.

Send for Ina Sharples, I give in.

Oh, I don't know. Look at it.

Beer cans.

Half -eaten sandwiches.

Dishes in the sink.

I've only been gone five minutes.

Instant Coronation Street.

Oh, Mildred.

Goldfish was in there?

Yes, he was.

Oh, Moby, hang on, I'm coming.

Moby? Moby, are you up there?

I'm sorry, George, I didn't realise.

He's gone, down the grid.

And if I was wearing a hat, I'd take it off.

You murdered him.

On history homework.

You said you'd do it today.

Can't I do it tomorrow?

Today. Don't say things you don't mean.

I don't. Ah, so you are going to do the washing up then?

Um, yes, in a moment.

History.

I've started.

Why did Henry VIII have six wives?

Heaven knows. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment.

You've only got one.

Yes.

That's Mum.

I know.

What did he do with six wives?

I don't know. Maybe he washed up a lot.

Haven't you got any geography homework?

We had some good times together, me and Moby.

Yes.

Now the house seems terribly empty.

Yes, George.

Perhaps we should draw the curtains. Oh, George!

It was only a goldfish.

And we don't even know he's dead. I mean, he's probably swimming about down

there. He's probably met a lady goldfish that had some little eggs.

Goldfish don't lay eggs. You're thinking of hens. All right, then perhaps you'll

meet a hen.

Look, George, come and have your lunch.

No, I'm not hungry.

Oh, George, it's your favourite, fish finger.

You know how to twist a knife, don't you, Mildred?

Oh, George, I...

Why don't you go out and buy another one? No, it wouldn't be the same. I

him. I know, you trained him to sing Rule Britannia.

Not sing it, float to attention to it. Oh.

Yeah, I can never see it myself.

Well, he knew and I knew.

Now, he's gone to a watery grave.

Well, it couldn't be better, really, could it? You know, for a goldfish, I

Oh,

George, would you like to take the sand back to the pet shop?

I mean, we haven't got a... And you're not going to get a... They cost 80p.

No, no, no, no. You've got to feed him seed, you see.

Parrot seed.

Not polyfilla.

That's for the tiles, isn't it? And the walls and all that. That's right. All

right then, Mrs Thompson. Goodbye.

Off you go.

That's it.

Daft old biddy. Oh, yes.

I've brought back the sand.

My goldfish is dead. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. A nice little petis caralis

erratus. No, his name was Moby.

That's the Latin name for goldfish.

Well, it wasn't Latin. It was English, through and through.

It used to float to the tension of rural Britannia.

Oh, I've never heard that.

Well, you must have done. Rural Britannia, Britannia roars away. No, no,

your fish floating to the tension. I mean, well, that's amazing.

I suppose you're anxious to start training another one, then, aren't you?

no, no, no, it wouldn't seem right.

Oh, no, I suppose not. Too painful.

How do you feel about eryctilagus cuniculus?

You what?

Oh, rabbit.

A bit stringy sometimes, isn't it?

Quite nice in a stew.

Got it.

Columba libia.

They had a lot of pets, these Romans, didn't they?

Piggies. Homey piggies. I'll breed them myself. I've just got the last pair of

mated fancies. Here we are.

Howdy, look at that.

Guaranteed to come home.

Oh, she seems to have taken you already.

Yeah. You're used to handling birds, aren't you?

Well, no, no.

I bet you tossed a few birds in your time.

Can't fool me.

No, no, I haven't, honest.

Oh, well, you do surprise me.

Oh, she's settled down all right.

As snug as Chemix Lectorius in a rug.

What are your names?

Oh, well, I've been a bit whimsical. They're Liz and Phil.

They're quite nice, aren't they?

You breed them, do you?

Yes, and I race them.

It's a lot of good money to be made out of racing pigeons.

Well, surely they can go faster than you.

Against other birds.

But for £15 outlay, you can make a fortune.

Mind you...

Your neighbours don't always approve of you having pigeons.

No? Oh, no.

Often they can be quite upset.

Oh, fancy that.

Fifteen quid, eh?

George, I don't like this. You've never had anything to do with pigeons.

Apart from eating the odd pie.

Oh, I've got a book about them. A penguin paperback.

But these are pigeons.

I told you how to train them and breed them.

But we haven't got the space.

I can be a little breeder. That's true.

Which one's Phil?

Well, I'm not too sure. I don't think it really matters.

Well, it does to Liz.

Yeah, once I finish this coop.

Is that the front door?

No, it's the side panel.

Oh.

Yeah, they don't have front doors on pigeon coops. You have a sort of a trap

door on the bottom and they land on it.

Oh, I saw a trapdoor on the top and they land on it.

Or is it on the side?

George, do come in, Mr Formile. George, Mr Formile has a serious complaint.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, son.

It's about your motorbike. It has been parked, heaped, on the curb outside for

weeks. I consider it a danger to health.

Whose? Yours, if you don't shift it.

Cats live in it, Mr Roper. Whole families have been born and bred in your

sidecar.

They've known no other home.

It's Mel.

Couldn't you at least hide it in your garage?

I'll pay my rates.

Since when?

Couldn't you at least do so to your neighbours?

Silly question.

How would you feel if I piled a heap of rubbish outside my front door?

Oh, perfectly all right with me, son. You go ahead.

All right with you, Mildred. I'll give you a hand if you like.

I give up. I know the feeling.

Well, you park your car out front. It's clean.

It moves occasionally.

It does not have moss on its south side or rusty tyres.

Well, I've been stripping down the engine.

For two years?

We will be using a little bit more in the future, you know. Yeah, that's

I'll be driving over to the park to train me pigeons.

Well, all I'm saying is you should put it in your garage and then perhaps you

could pigeons.

Yes, well, you see, George's goldfish escaped.

How can a goldfish escape?

So I decided to keep pigeons. Home in pigeons.

Pigeons?

In Hampton Wick?

It's just two.

A boy and a girl.

Oh, my God.

That's all we need. Pigeons next door.

Give them a couple of months and the sky will be thick with them.

We'll be trapped indoors.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Great flocks of them wheeling over the house.

We'll never see the sun again.

He's only got two.

They attack mice.

Thousands of mice.

Wherever there are pigeons, there are mice.

I've never seen a mouse in Trafalgar Square.

They'll get in here under the floorboards. We'll be driven out to be

death by his pigeons.

Or scratched to death by his wild cats.

Don't exaggerate, Anne. It's bad enough as it is.

No one will come and visit us. Of course they will.

Would you run the gamut of a million wheeling pigeons for a glass of sherry

a Ritz cracker?

I know what Roper will train them to do.

What? Never you mind.

They must need permission.

The pigeon?

To do that?

The Ropers.

They can't build a hutch or whatever it is without planning permission.

Oh, I don't think... Anne, this is England.

First thing Monday morning, I'll go down to the town hall and file a complaint.

If they don't need permission, I'll... I'll eat my hat.

Will he really?

What? Eat his hat.

Oh, yes.

Your father never says things he doesn't mean.

Wow.

You've got to make it as comfortable as possible. Things make them feel at home.

Yeah, but carpet on the floor?

It's only an off -cut.

Yes, it is now.

You've got to rough our bedroom carpet.

Only from under the bed. Who's going to see the hole under there?

I don't know. The, uh, the milkman? Yeah, well... See, once they've settled

in... Once they've settled in, I can start to train them, you see? Take them

for half a mile and see how... What milkman?

Leave it, George. What happens then?

Oh, that's when you start the clock meeting. Oh, I look forward to that.

Time them. See how long it takes them to come back, see? Oh. Well, then, after

that, I can enter them into races.

They need a band, then, of course.

Well, they race without music.

Are you being deliberately obese?

George, a band?

What sort of a band? There, on their legs.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I thought that meant they were married.

Yeah, well, it probably does. It also tells you when they were born.

What, you mean the whole world can tell how old she is at a glance?

Yeah. Oh, it's a dog's life, being a pigeon. Come and eat. Oh, yeah, right.

There you are. Well, these are true for you.

There's some ant eggs in there. Well, it seems a shame to waste them.

So, when's the grand inaugural flight?

Eh? Oh, er, in a couple of days, according to what's named, er, the man

pet shop.

I might try them out this afternoon.

Give the motorbike a ride to the park.

Oh, come.

What's this?

California salad.

It's got nuts in it.

And bacon.

And currants.

Sultanas. You can't put currants in a salad. That's disgusting.

Not if you're in California.

This is Hampton Wick. So, they're Hampton Wick currants. Eat them.

What's all this pink stuff?

Look, George, just close your eyes and get it over with quickly.

You're good at that.

I should have egg and chips.

No, no, no.

We are going on a diet. We are a pound overweight.

We?

You may be. I'm not. Oh, dear.

I've been feeding better stuff than this to the pigeons.

You'll never try anything new, will you?

I mean, I'm surprised you even got beyond Biggie Peg.

Ah, good wholesome English food. Irish stew, Welsh rabbit, that sort of thing.

You forgot scotch eggs. No, I don't like foreign much.

When you ate lasagna the other day?

In a sandwich, but you ate it.

What? You mean that mint stuff?

Yeah. Was that foreign? Yeah, Italian.

I thought you said it was a rissole gone wrong.

that in a bit.

Could be a screw loose.

Well, it can't be the exhaust pipe.

No, it certainly can't. It fell off back there.

Well, she's got it here in one piece.

She may be in one piece, George. I am not.

Get me out of here. Oh, right.

There we go.

She's not as young as she was.

Are you talking about me or the motorbike?

Oh, God.

They stopped making these in 1942.

Yeah, they knew what they were doing.

You're right, yeah.

Right, let's get it over with then. Let's open the basket.

All right.

Oh, yeah, hang on. Let's have the book first.

Right.

Now then.

First flight.

Take the young brid in both hands.

That's a misprint.

Hold gently but firmly, then release bird into the air.

Could be a bit tricky, that.

Oh, you hold that.

Right. Now, come on.

Now... Phil, or Liz, whatever your name is.

Right, now.

It's number 46 Peacock Crescent, see?

It's straight for the church.

Turn right at the traffic light.

And then go down the high street.

Left at the traffic light. It's a one -way street.

No, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is.

Left at the traffic... What am I doing? Giving directions?

to a pigeon.

Don't get... You're a racing homer, so race home.

On we go.

Right, what now?

Oh, er... Ditto.

Oh.

Come on, Phil.

Liz, there we go.

It's your turn now.

Number 46, Peacock Crescent, see? And left at the traffic lights.

Yeah, that's right.

See you later.

Anything else?

Well, you could always give them a wave.

Hiya. Cheerio.

You're going round and round in circles.

Yeah, just like your goldfish.

It's this way.

Straight ahead, you stupid bird.

Is he coming home for lunch today?

Well, sometimes he does and sometimes he... Yes, he is.

Damn fools, all of them, the people at the town hall.

Ah, so he didn't need planning permission then? No, he didn't.

Have you had lunch?

What? Oh, yes, I had a sandwich in the office.

As far as they're concerned, he can keep pigeons till the cows come home.

Or cows till the pigeons come home. They don't care.

You can eat one for dinner.

Yes.

Non -interfering busybodies, the lot of them.

Eat one what for dinner?

One of your hats.

You said you would.

Oh, yes.

Instead, we thought your fishing hat would be best.

Lightly battered with a nice white wine and some tartar sauce.

Well, there's several reasons why the canary, Serenius canarius, can go off

food. It could be because it's broody or molting.

But in this case, I suggest that this bird isn't eating because it's dead.

Hello? Hello, my name's Roper. I bought a couple of pigeons off you on Saturday.

Oh, yes.

Have they settled down then?

Well, they may have done, but I don't know where they are.

I released them three hours ago and they haven't come back.

But you've only had them two days.

Yeah, but you said... I said that you should have them for two weeks. I mean,

takes all that time for them to settle in.

There, there, there.

How can I get them back?

Oh, well, you could put an advertisement in the pigeon breeders...

A gazette?

Well, do they read it?

The pigeons don't, but the breeders do. Well, maybe one of them will come across

your bird eventually.

Eventually? Oh, forget it.

Ain't it marvellous? Does that mean I can have my bedroom carpet back?

Such a sad business. I can see that you're a real bird lover.

Now, how do you feel about keeping Columbia, Libya?

Homey pigeons.

I breed them myself.

They're a nice pair here of mated chances.

Guaranteed to come home in two days.

I've been a bit whimsical about their names. Liz and Phil.

Side plate.

is so helpful.

Should I go and get him now? All right, I'll go and get it out the oven. Okay.

Dinner!

And keep your face straight.

I'll try.

Good, good.

What are we having? I'm starving.

Me and Mum are having omelette. And you're having a special treat. Now, I

think of making you a Homburg hamburger, but this seemed better.

What is it?

Cloth cat pie.

I used the old garden cap in the blender, marinated it in herbs and

You're not... You're not serious?

You said you'd eat it.

You said.

But I don't like garlic.

You said.

You're right.

Cloth cat pie.

Uh -huh.

Did you wash the cat first? Oh, yes. I always do when I'm making pies out of

them. Right.

It tastes like... like beef.

It is beef.

It's just in your face.

Never say things you don't mean.

George!

George, I've just been out front.

And look what I've found.

Swimming along in the gutter.

I don't know how it happened, but, I mean, there he was.

I'm not as daft as I look, Mildred.

That's not Moby. I know him anywhere.

No?

No, it's not.

But, well, you were so upset, I thought I'd get you another one.

A sort of Moby 2.

It's a nice thought.

Where did you get him?

Oh, from the Rag and Bow Man outside.

You're not a bad old stick sometimes, are you?

Well... Yeah.

It's quite nice, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah.

He's soon settled in, I suppose.

Yeah.

Hello, Moby, too.

I'll tell you what, I'll eat some of that Californian salad of yours. How's

that? Oh, will you really?

Yeah, as long as you take out the currants. Yes.

Oh, yeah, and the bacon and nuts and the lettuce.

And don't put any pink stuff on.

Better only leave the cucumber.

Yeah, I'm not too fond of cucumber.

Well, leave it, George.

Right. What do you give them for the goldfish?

Who? Well, Rag and Bone Man.

Oh, nothing really.

Well, you must have given him something.

Well, I just gave him your... your motorbike.

What?

Oh,

well.

It was worth a try.