All language subtitles for George and Mildred s05e05 A Military Pickle

How do you rate as a lover?

Answer the following questions honestly.

How often can you find a thing?

No.

Question two.

When can you do the fine thing?

Mainly in the winter.

Question three.

George! George!

Look what I've got.

How do you spell flannelette?

Look,

a cheque for £150.

What's that for?

To pay for my funeral.

But you're not dead.

You call this living?

No, it's a life insurance policy,
George.

I took it out when you were learning how
to drive.

And now it's matured.

£150. That's marvellous. That means I
can buy myself a new... No.

You're not getting your hands on this.
Yeah, perhaps not.

This is going to buy me that lovely
little second -hand car I always dreamed

about. That and what I've got tucked
under the mattress.

You're not selling my trousers.

My savings.

A pound here, 50p there.

It's amazing how slowly it mounts up.

Oh, this is from your brother, Charlie.

He's writing to you.

Well, no, it's addressed to you if you
want to split hairs.

But, look, he says he's passing through
London.

He'd like to visit us. Mildred, that's
private. Address to me. You've no right

to open it. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh, well, that's better.

He says he's passing through London and
wants to visit us. Oh, really?

Charlie, well, well, it must be 20 years
or more.

Did you ever meet him?

Er, I don't know.

Well, there are so many in your family.

Was he the one with the bushy eyebrows
and the five o 'clock shadow?

No, that was my sister Gloria.

He was a clever one, you know.

Good -looking, well -spoken. We used to
beat him up.

Oh, yes, I remember.

He came to our wedding.

He was the one that held you upright.

Well, you never liked our family. You
won't want him coming round here

us. Oh, nonsense, George.

It'll be company.

He's very welcome.

You're going to be late for school.

seen his homework, Geoffrey. Do you
know, according to this, the crime rate

Hampton Wick has risen by 12 .5 %?

You think someone's stolen it?

Wouldn't be at all surprised.

Before we know it, it'll be like Chicago
in the 20s.

Very likely. Mrs. Fogarty down at the
wool shop overcharged me throttling

yesterday.

Will we have real gangsters?

With submachine guns bumping people off?

No, dear. You're thinking of Twickenham.

It's that council estate. It's
attracting the wrong sort.

People who need somewhere to live?

Precisely. Look, all I'm saying is it's
time for decent people to stand up and

be counted. Stand up?

I didn't mean it literally.

Well, I did. You're sitting on
Tristram's homework.

I must have called in at a dozen
showrooms and not one of them had a car

could afford.

I mean, I must have walked for miles.

You know what you want, don't you? A
little car.

What? Well, then you could drive round
and look in the showrooms.

I should just have to advertise, that's
all. And why couldn't you have cleaned

up while I was out?

Oh. Empty that ashtray. What? Oh.

Well, I mean, after all, he's your
brother.

I don't want him to feel that.

Wow.

All this palaver.

When he was a kid, he thought himself
lucky to share a plate with a whippet.

Oh, answer that, will you? I just want
to make myself presentable.

Well, I can't keep him talking that
long.

And try and be pleasant for once.

All right, all right.

Hello, George.

Hello, Charlie.

Still wet the bed, do you?

Not since I was four.

You'd better come on in.

He's here, Charlie.

Mildred.

Mildred, Charlie.

How do you do?

I think we did meet once.

Oh, yeah. Right little charmer you were,
then.

And you still are.

Oh. Curse of the Ropers, bad eyesight.

Would you like to sit down? Oh, tell.

So, how did you find our address then?
Oh, from Dad. I write letters to him and

he gets a neighbour to write letters
back. Oh.

Well, well.

You haven't changed a bit.

No, he hasn't.

Would you like to get some drinks,
George? Oh, George, no, I mean, I'll be

Right. Now, tell us all your news.

Are you married? Do you have any
children?

No, and I hope not.

Well, I've just never met the right
woman.

Didn't stop some of us.

And what about yourselves?

Have you heard the pattern of tiny feet
yet?

Well,

no. And not unless you count the badger.

And he didn't walk a lot.

So where are these drinks?

Oh, there's only one in the bottle.

out to the pub? Oh, yeah, that's a good
idea.

Well, it's nice to have seen you,
Charlie.

And get us a bottle of sherry.

I'm sorry, you must excuse George.

He's been under the doctor for pig
ignorance.

Oh, he's all right.

Well.

Hello, Mildred.

It's been a long time, Charlie.

I'm not saying all the working class are
criminals. That would be an

exaggeration, but... Yes, decent types,
some of them.

Make good Batman.

They don't have the same resistance to
temptation that we have. They see some

brightly coloured object and... Quite,
having the respect for the law that we

have. Another gin and tonic?

I've had four and I am driving.

Stuart, you kiss my arm?

Two more, please.

Oh, Lord.

Half a bit and a bottle of sherry.

Dry, medium or sweet? Cheap.

It's up to our sort to help support the
police.

Quite right.

Always carry a fiver in me driving
light. I thought I'd get them to turn

round, give a talk to our resident
association about crime prevention and

bells.

How are you doing, sir?

George Roper. How do you do?

Roland Barrington, sir.

Crime prevention.

Oh, yeah? What about it? I'm doing it
now.

I'm controlling myself.

You never told George about us, then?
Well, what for?

It was before I met him. In fact, you
introduced her.

Still, I mustn't bear grudges.

Well, it might have been different if
I'd popped the question, eh? Oh, you

But I wanted marriage as well.

So we had some good times, didn't we?
Yeah. Do you remember that time they

showing Gone With The Wind and we went
seven nights on the trot? Yeah.

Oh, I must see that sometime.

But, I mean, did you mean what you said,
Charlie, about, you know, not being the

marrying kind?

Oh, yeah. Me mum reckons I inherited it
from me father.

Well... Still, that's another story.

Yeah, I wonder what's holding George up.

An elbow on the bar, if I'm any judge.

You know, Mildred...

It really took the wind out of my sails
when you married him. Yes, I thought it

might have done, yeah.

It surprised George as well.

Eh? Yeah. What do you think? We went to
this pub. He'd had a few, you know.

And I thought he'd proposed to me. You
thought?

Yeah. What he actually said is, will you
carry me?

I've often wondered if that was true.

Well, you could have done worse.

Oh, I could?

Yeah, me, for instance.

Well, at least he's the faithful type.
I'd have had half the bridesmaids

breathing heavy before we reached the
altar.

Not that I don't still fancy you, Mark.

Oops, it's George. We've got five
seconds before he gets in. Oh, George,

Charlie, get up.

They do say it's good for the garden.
Oh, really? Yes, well, they didn't have

any quarter bottles, so I had to get
half.

Been entertaining you, has she?

Certainly not.

Boy, no need to be standoffish. Get
closer together, get to know each other.

So I phone the station and they're
sending someone round.

Name of Regan.

Oh, you don't suppose... Well, hardly.

They wouldn't call out the Sweeney for
our resident propitiation.

Geoffrey. Huh?

Are you in favour of the death penalty
for scrumping?

What?

Tristram's been taking apples from old
Mrs. Bolsover's garden.

I see.

Where is he?

Tristram! Yes?

Now. Now, don't be too hard on him,
Geoffrey. It's only a few green apples.

That's how the great train robbers
started.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Guilty.

And I'd like some flatbreads to be taken
into consideration.

It's stealing.

Our sort of people don't do that.

Well, Mrs Bolsover never picks them.

Because she hasn't got any teeth.

He said he's sorry, Geoffrey, and he's
promised never to do it again.

Very well, we'll say no more.

But just remember, it's up to us to set
an example to people who are less

fortunate than ourselves.

five in a bed we used to sleep.

There was me, Charlie and Bill, north to
south, Fred and Bill, south to north.

Well, you mean he had two Bills in the
family?

Yeah, Mum named him after the first one.

Yeah. And Betty and Gloria, they had a
bed to themselves after we found out

were girls.

Oh, they were hard times. I tell you, I
used to have to lie there all night

without moving a muscle.

Oh, that would explain a lot.

Would you like another cup of tea? Oh,
thank you, yeah.

Oops, I'll make some fresh.

Make yourself comfortable.

Yeah, when one turned over, we all had
to, like Domino's.

Put me right off sharing a bed.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it was a long while ago, George.
Yeah, but some things never change.

I was glad to leave home, I tell you.

Well, there comes the time for it.

So I discovered.

Dad sent me out to get some fish and
chips and had the lock changed.

What about you then, Charlie?

Oh, I left shortly afterwards. Yeah, I
got a girl into trouble. One of the O

'Reilly twins.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

I never found out.

Anyway, I flung a few things into a
suitcase, opened the family's safety

pocketbook. Gas meter.

Yeah. And took a train to Mackelfield.
Ah, so that's where you lived. No, I

but there was this girl and she had
these big brothers.

I can't say I approve of your way of
life, Charlie.

Oh, I see. You believe in sex after
marriage.

I didn't say that.

Well, we're all made different.

Oh, I knew I'd forgotten something.

Oh, yeah, where does she live? Chawton,
Camardie?

This letter came for you just after you
left in 1949.

We would have forwarded it, only not
having an address, we thought it was a

of a rift.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I was having to pack my stuff.
Well, I had to leave the Shetland Sea

because this girl told me she was in
the... Well, anyway, I found that.

I was using it as a bookmark in the Kama
Sutra.

Oh, yeah?

Oh,

my God.

What? Report the cataract barracks at
1400 hours.

It's me call -up papers.

You realise what this means, don't you,
George?

You are a deserter.

Yeah, but in 1949, surely the police
would have come round if I hadn't

for duty?

Oh, they was forever coming round,
wasn't they? Looking for stolen

Dad always used to turn off his hearing
aid.

How come you kept this?

Oh, well, I used the back of it, Steve,
to jot down one or two appointments.

What?

Mandy, Judy, Wendy, Kirsty, Heidi,
Natalie.

Oh, that was a week, that was.

Yeah, this is going to be a bit of a
shock for Mildred.

What? Oh, I'm not telling her. I know
her. She'd make me give myself up.

And lock me away in the greenhouse.

Here we are. A nice fresh pot of tea.

Yeah, Charlie doesn't want any. He's got
to go.

George! No, he's right, actually. I've
got to be down in Southampton by

Oh. Well, bub... Oh.

There we are.

Bye -bye, Mildred.

It was really nice.

Yes, it was.

We must do it again sometime.

I don't know if you want to see me to
the door. Well, yes, I'd love to. Oh,

I think George would better do that.
Come along, Southampton's this way.

I'll drop you a card when I know where
I'm putting up. Yeah, right. Bye,

They never stop looking, you know.

You do realise if they catch you, you
could probably be shot.

Hello, my name is Turner. I'm calling
about your advert in the Hampton Wick

Times. I understand you're looking for a
small car.

Well, I have a white Mini for sale with
65 ,000 miles on the clock.

Oh, well, what price would it be?

Oh, that sounds absolutely... That
sounds very reasonable, yes.

Well, could you bring it round this
afternoon? That would be lovely, yes.

46 Peacock Crescent.

I'll see you then. Bye.

£250? That's just about a full bag.

Who was that? Oh, my God!

How did they find us? Didn't I
everything?

Well, it was only... George?

You haven't shaved.

Oh, no, I've grown a beard.

If the phone rings again, don't answer
it unless it's somebody we know. George?

Yeah?

Why are you wearing my sunglasses?

Am I?

Oh, I didn't notice.

I can't see too clearly on account I'm
wearing these.

George, you've been behaving very...
What are you doing now?

Oh, well, too much sunlight. It fades
the furniture.

I thought the name Four Mile rang a
bell.

Well, well.

I never thought you'd end up a
policeman.

What was it we used to call you?

Yes, perhaps you'd better get down to
business.

Wobbly chops.

Quite.

How many are there in your residence
association?

Oh, everyone in the street, apart from
two we never bothered to invite.

Shall we say thank you evening, then?

Splendid. You can give them a talk on
that.

Ah, this is my wife, Anne. My son,
sister.

This is that wobbly police sergeant,
Regan. We went to school together.

Oh, hello.

You haven't cried on me, have you?

No.

You must tell me all about it. I can't
believe that Geoffrey was ever a boy.

Oh, him and me, we've got up to all
sorts.

I wouldn't like it known at the station,
but after school we used to go

scrumping together.

Really?

Chopped ham.

Tinned prunes.

Baked beans.

Dogger meat. Dogger meat? I've got one
there.

Right. Enough there for a siege.

I'll just have a quick wrecking out,
sir.

Well, give me a hand. All right.

Thank you. What are you doing?

Well, I was just glancing out to see if
it was raining.

What, with your binoculars?

Have you been looking into Mrs Wilson's
bathroom again?

Certainly not. Because if you have,
I'll... What's this bed doing here? And

this food?

I decided to move up there here. See, I
thought it would be more cosy.

Oh, it's happened.

You've finally gone off your rocker.

No, not George.

Bert.

Pardon?

Not George, Bert. I've changed my name.

If anybody wants to know who lives here,
it's Bert Reynolds.

Oh.

George, you... Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, then.

Bert.

Now, look, I think you ought to go to a
doctor, dear.

You can't be Bert Reynolds. You've got
one already.

What? Oh, yeah, him at the fish shop.
Yeah.

I'll have to think of another name.

John West?

Yeah. He got... He got it off a tin of
salmon.

I don't know what's the matter with a
man. I mean, he's behaving very oddly.

Oh. Perhaps he's going through the male
menopause. Oh, I doubt that, dear.

I think he went through that when he was
about 20.

Well, look, wouldn't you be worried if
your husband started behaving like a

nutcase? I'd get worried if he stopped.

And I phone round the members. Ah, Mrs
Roper.

Mrs West, actually.

Pardon? It doesn't matter. Look, I
mustn't keep you any longer.

I've got to see a man about a car.

Oh, yes.

He's bringing it round.

It's a little white car.

Of course, it's second -hand, but I
think it's a real bargain.

Ah, caveat emptor.

No, it's a mini.

Let the buyer beware.

There are an awful lot of crooks in the
used car business.

One should be careful. One should only
buy from one's own class.

I should?

No, you shouldn't, but, I mean...
Geoffrey?

Well, I know a chap in that line, Roland
Barrington Fitch. He deals mainly in

sports cars, but I'm sure he's got a
little runaround in his stock.

Oh, really?

Decent type. Went to Winchester.

Oh, I think that's a bit too far for me.

It should be enough.

Oh, I forgot the tin opener.

Oh, God!

Good afternoon.

Is this the rapist, Hope?

No, I've never heard of him. But this is
the address I was given. Oh, no, it

must be Hope. No one lives here that
name. Goodbye.

George?

George?

Oh, right then, John.

Was that the front door?

I'm expecting someone, you see. There's
a man bringing around a little white...

The white mini?

But he's driving off.

Yeah.

George. What?

You sent him away, didn't you? No,
certainly not.

Yes, I did.

Right. I want an explanation.

And it had better be good.

Army recruiting office?

Yes, sir.

If you could just let me have your name
and address, I'll put some pamphlets in

the post to you.

Right.

Right, George.

In you go.

They might put me up against a wall and
shoot me dead.

Nonsense. After all this time, they'll
probably let you off with a flesh wound.

He looks very busy. Let's come back
another time. George, do you want to

the rest of your life gulking up in the
attic, wearing a beard and dark glasses,

never seeing anybody from one year's end
to the next? Yes.

Get in there.

Yes? My husband.

has something he wants to say to you.

It's about joining the army.

Well, sir, it's a man's life. I can let
you have some beverage and... Aren't you

a bit past it?

No, no, no. You don't understand, you
see.

My name's Roper.

You've probably heard of me.

No.

Well, it's a long story. It starts in
1949.

Tell him, George. Oh, yeah.

1949, yeah. It was a cold winter, see,
and Berlin was still in the grip of the

Russian blockade.

George!

He's been just a tiny bit of a deserter.

But he didn't mean it, and he won't do
it again.

A deserter? Yeah, well, see, this came
for me in 1949, but only just got it.

Well, I don't know if this is my
department.

Let's have a look.

Are you sure this was addressed to you?
What?

Well, of course. G. Roper, 27 Lasker
Street.

Very well.

I arrest you for deserting from the
Women's Royal Army Corps.

What? You are Gloria Roper, aren't you?

Gloria?

Yeah,

well, I just hadn't read it all, and
Gloria, she volunteered.

Yeah, George, yes, never mind.

Oh, Mr Barrington Fitch, it's a lovely
car.

I'm delighted we had what you wanted,
Mrs Rowland.

Nothing like dealing with one's own
sort.

Decent of you, Rowland.

I don't know if you've understood this,
Mildred, but them call -up papers

weren't for me, see? Yeah, I had worked
that out, George.

Oh, it's what I've always wanted.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't touch me.

I didn't desert from the woman's Royal
Army Corps.

But this vehicle is on our list of
stolen cars.

Stolen? There must be some mistake.

You tell him, Rowland.

One's own sort.