Original subtitles

How do you rate as a lover?

Answer the following questions honestly.

How often can you find a thing?

No.

Question two.

When can you do the fine thing?

Mainly in the winter.

Question three.

George! George!

Look what I've got.

How do you spell flannelette?

Look,

a cheque for £150.

What's that for?

To pay for my funeral.

But you're not dead.

You call this living?

No, it's a life insurance policy, George.

I took it out when you were learning how to drive.

And now it's matured.

£150. That's marvellous. That means I can buy myself a new... No.

You're not getting your hands on this. Yeah, perhaps not.

This is going to buy me that lovely little second -hand car I always dreamed

about. That and what I've got tucked under the mattress.

You're not selling my trousers.

My savings.

A pound here, 50p there.

It's amazing how slowly it mounts up.

Oh, this is from your brother, Charlie.

He's writing to you.

Well, no, it's addressed to you if you want to split hairs.

But, look, he says he's passing through London.

He'd like to visit us. Mildred, that's private. Address to me. You've no right

to open it. Oh, sorry, sorry.

Oh, well, that's better.

He says he's passing through London and wants to visit us. Oh, really?

Charlie, well, well, it must be 20 years or more.

Did you ever meet him?

Er, I don't know.

Well, there are so many in your family.

Was he the one with the bushy eyebrows and the five o 'clock shadow?

No, that was my sister Gloria.

He was a clever one, you know.

Good -looking, well -spoken. We used to beat him up.

Oh, yes, I remember.

He came to our wedding.

He was the one that held you upright.

Well, you never liked our family. You won't want him coming round here

us. Oh, nonsense, George.

It'll be company.

He's very welcome.

You're going to be late for school.

seen his homework, Geoffrey. Do you know, according to this, the crime rate

Hampton Wick has risen by 12 .5 %?

You think someone's stolen it?

Wouldn't be at all surprised.

Before we know it, it'll be like Chicago in the 20s.

Very likely. Mrs. Fogarty down at the wool shop overcharged me throttling

yesterday.

Will we have real gangsters?

With submachine guns bumping people off?

No, dear. You're thinking of Twickenham.

It's that council estate. It's attracting the wrong sort.

People who need somewhere to live?

Precisely. Look, all I'm saying is it's time for decent people to stand up and

be counted. Stand up?

I didn't mean it literally.

Well, I did. You're sitting on Tristram's homework.

I must have called in at a dozen showrooms and not one of them had a car

could afford.

I mean, I must have walked for miles.

You know what you want, don't you? A little car.

What? Well, then you could drive round and look in the showrooms.

I should just have to advertise, that's all. And why couldn't you have cleaned

up while I was out?

Oh. Empty that ashtray. What? Oh.

Well, I mean, after all, he's your brother.

I don't want him to feel that.

Wow.

All this palaver.

When he was a kid, he thought himself lucky to share a plate with a whippet.

Oh, answer that, will you? I just want to make myself presentable.

Well, I can't keep him talking that long.

And try and be pleasant for once.

All right, all right.

Hello, George.

Hello, Charlie.

Still wet the bed, do you?

Not since I was four.

You'd better come on in.

He's here, Charlie.

Mildred.

Mildred, Charlie.

How do you do?

I think we did meet once.

Oh, yeah. Right little charmer you were, then.

And you still are.

Oh. Curse of the Ropers, bad eyesight.

Would you like to sit down? Oh, tell.

So, how did you find our address then? Oh, from Dad. I write letters to him and

he gets a neighbour to write letters back. Oh.

Well, well.

You haven't changed a bit.

No, he hasn't.

Would you like to get some drinks, George? Oh, George, no, I mean, I'll be

Right. Now, tell us all your news.

Are you married? Do you have any children?

No, and I hope not.

Well, I've just never met the right woman.

Didn't stop some of us.

And what about yourselves?

Have you heard the pattern of tiny feet yet?

Well,

no. And not unless you count the badger.

And he didn't walk a lot.

So where are these drinks?

Oh, there's only one in the bottle.

out to the pub? Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.

Well, it's nice to have seen you, Charlie.

And get us a bottle of sherry.

I'm sorry, you must excuse George.

He's been under the doctor for pig ignorance.

Oh, he's all right.

Well.

Hello, Mildred.

It's been a long time, Charlie.

I'm not saying all the working class are criminals. That would be an

exaggeration, but... Yes, decent types, some of them.

Make good Batman.

They don't have the same resistance to temptation that we have. They see some

brightly coloured object and... Quite, having the respect for the law that we

have. Another gin and tonic?

I've had four and I am driving.

Stuart, you kiss my arm?

Two more, please.

Oh, Lord.

Half a bit and a bottle of sherry.

Dry, medium or sweet? Cheap.

It's up to our sort to help support the police.

Quite right.

Always carry a fiver in me driving light. I thought I'd get them to turn

round, give a talk to our resident association about crime prevention and

bells.

How are you doing, sir?

George Roper. How do you do?

Roland Barrington, sir.

Crime prevention.

Oh, yeah? What about it? I'm doing it now.

I'm controlling myself.

You never told George about us, then? Well, what for?

It was before I met him. In fact, you introduced her.

Still, I mustn't bear grudges.

Well, it might have been different if I'd popped the question, eh? Oh, you

But I wanted marriage as well.

So we had some good times, didn't we? Yeah. Do you remember that time they

showing Gone With The Wind and we went seven nights on the trot? Yeah.

Oh, I must see that sometime.

But, I mean, did you mean what you said, Charlie, about, you know, not being the

marrying kind?

Oh, yeah. Me mum reckons I inherited it from me father.

Well... Still, that's another story.

Yeah, I wonder what's holding George up.

An elbow on the bar, if I'm any judge.

You know, Mildred...

It really took the wind out of my sails when you married him. Yes, I thought it

might have done, yeah.

It surprised George as well.

Eh? Yeah. What do you think? We went to this pub. He'd had a few, you know.

And I thought he'd proposed to me. You thought?

Yeah. What he actually said is, will you carry me?

I've often wondered if that was true.

Well, you could have done worse.

Oh, I could?

Yeah, me, for instance.

Well, at least he's the faithful type. I'd have had half the bridesmaids

breathing heavy before we reached the altar.

Not that I don't still fancy you, Mark.

Oops, it's George. We've got five seconds before he gets in. Oh, George,

Charlie, get up.

They do say it's good for the garden. Oh, really? Yes, well, they didn't have

any quarter bottles, so I had to get half.

Been entertaining you, has she?

Certainly not.

Boy, no need to be standoffish. Get closer together, get to know each other.

So I phone the station and they're sending someone round.

Name of Regan.

Oh, you don't suppose... Well, hardly.

They wouldn't call out the Sweeney for our resident propitiation.

Geoffrey. Huh?

Are you in favour of the death penalty for scrumping?

What?

Tristram's been taking apples from old Mrs. Bolsover's garden.

I see.

Where is he?

Tristram! Yes?

Now. Now, don't be too hard on him, Geoffrey. It's only a few green apples.

That's how the great train robbers started.

What have you got to say for yourself?

Guilty.

And I'd like some flatbreads to be taken into consideration.

It's stealing.

Our sort of people don't do that.

Well, Mrs Bolsover never picks them.

Because she hasn't got any teeth.

He said he's sorry, Geoffrey, and he's promised never to do it again.

Very well, we'll say no more.

But just remember, it's up to us to set an example to people who are less

fortunate than ourselves.

five in a bed we used to sleep.

There was me, Charlie and Bill, north to south, Fred and Bill, south to north.

Well, you mean he had two Bills in the family?

Yeah, Mum named him after the first one.

Yeah. And Betty and Gloria, they had a bed to themselves after we found out

were girls.

Oh, they were hard times. I tell you, I used to have to lie there all night

without moving a muscle.

Oh, that would explain a lot.

Would you like another cup of tea? Oh, thank you, yeah.

Oops, I'll make some fresh.

Make yourself comfortable.

Yeah, when one turned over, we all had to, like Domino's.

Put me right off sharing a bed.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it was a long while ago, George. Yeah, but some things never change.

I was glad to leave home, I tell you.

Well, there comes the time for it.

So I discovered.

Dad sent me out to get some fish and chips and had the lock changed.

What about you then, Charlie?

Oh, I left shortly afterwards. Yeah, I got a girl into trouble. One of the O

'Reilly twins.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

I never found out.

Anyway, I flung a few things into a suitcase, opened the family's safety

pocketbook. Gas meter.

Yeah. And took a train to Mackelfield. Ah, so that's where you lived. No, I

but there was this girl and she had these big brothers.

I can't say I approve of your way of life, Charlie.

Oh, I see. You believe in sex after marriage.

I didn't say that.

Well, we're all made different.

Oh, I knew I'd forgotten something.

Oh, yeah, where does she live? Chawton, Camardie?

This letter came for you just after you left in 1949.

We would have forwarded it, only not having an address, we thought it was a

of a rift.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I was having to pack my stuff. Well, I had to leave the Shetland Sea

because this girl told me she was in the... Well, anyway, I found that.

I was using it as a bookmark in the Kama Sutra.

Oh, yeah?

Oh,

my God.

What? Report the cataract barracks at 1400 hours.

It's me call -up papers.

You realise what this means, don't you, George?

You are a deserter.

Yeah, but in 1949, surely the police would have come round if I hadn't

for duty?

Oh, they was forever coming round, wasn't they? Looking for stolen

Dad always used to turn off his hearing aid.

How come you kept this?

Oh, well, I used the back of it, Steve, to jot down one or two appointments.

What?

Mandy, Judy, Wendy, Kirsty, Heidi, Natalie.

Oh, that was a week, that was.

Yeah, this is going to be a bit of a shock for Mildred.

What? Oh, I'm not telling her. I know her. She'd make me give myself up.

And lock me away in the greenhouse.

Here we are. A nice fresh pot of tea.

Yeah, Charlie doesn't want any. He's got to go.

George! No, he's right, actually. I've got to be down in Southampton by

Oh. Well, bub... Oh.

There we are.

Bye -bye, Mildred.

It was really nice.

Yes, it was.

We must do it again sometime.

I don't know if you want to see me to the door. Well, yes, I'd love to. Oh,

I think George would better do that. Come along, Southampton's this way.

I'll drop you a card when I know where I'm putting up. Yeah, right. Bye,

They never stop looking, you know.

You do realise if they catch you, you could probably be shot.

Hello, my name is Turner. I'm calling about your advert in the Hampton Wick

Times. I understand you're looking for a small car.

Well, I have a white Mini for sale with 65 ,000 miles on the clock.

Oh, well, what price would it be?

Oh, that sounds absolutely... That sounds very reasonable, yes.

Well, could you bring it round this afternoon? That would be lovely, yes.

46 Peacock Crescent.

I'll see you then. Bye.

£250? That's just about a full bag.

Who was that? Oh, my God!

How did they find us? Didn't I everything?

Well, it was only... George?

You haven't shaved.

Oh, no, I've grown a beard.

If the phone rings again, don't answer it unless it's somebody we know. George?

Yeah?

Why are you wearing my sunglasses?

Am I?

Oh, I didn't notice.

I can't see too clearly on account I'm wearing these.

George, you've been behaving very... What are you doing now?

Oh, well, too much sunlight. It fades the furniture.

I thought the name Four Mile rang a bell.

Well, well.

I never thought you'd end up a policeman.

What was it we used to call you?

Yes, perhaps you'd better get down to business.

Wobbly chops.

Quite.

How many are there in your residence association?

Oh, everyone in the street, apart from two we never bothered to invite.

Shall we say thank you evening, then?

Splendid. You can give them a talk on that.

Ah, this is my wife, Anne. My son, sister.

This is that wobbly police sergeant, Regan. We went to school together.

Oh, hello.

You haven't cried on me, have you?

No.

You must tell me all about it. I can't believe that Geoffrey was ever a boy.

Oh, him and me, we've got up to all sorts.

I wouldn't like it known at the station, but after school we used to go

scrumping together.

Really?

Chopped ham.

Tinned prunes.

Baked beans.

Dogger meat. Dogger meat? I've got one there.

Right. Enough there for a siege.

I'll just have a quick wrecking out, sir.

Well, give me a hand. All right.

Thank you. What are you doing?

Well, I was just glancing out to see if it was raining.

What, with your binoculars?

Have you been looking into Mrs Wilson's bathroom again?

Certainly not. Because if you have, I'll... What's this bed doing here? And

this food?

I decided to move up there here. See, I thought it would be more cosy.

Oh, it's happened.

You've finally gone off your rocker.

No, not George.

Bert.

Pardon?

Not George, Bert. I've changed my name.

If anybody wants to know who lives here, it's Bert Reynolds.

Oh.

George, you... Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, then.

Bert.

Now, look, I think you ought to go to a doctor, dear.

You can't be Bert Reynolds. You've got one already.

What? Oh, yeah, him at the fish shop. Yeah.

I'll have to think of another name.

John West?

Yeah. He got... He got it off a tin of salmon.

I don't know what's the matter with a man. I mean, he's behaving very oddly.

Oh. Perhaps he's going through the male menopause. Oh, I doubt that, dear.

I think he went through that when he was about 20.

Well, look, wouldn't you be worried if your husband started behaving like a

nutcase? I'd get worried if he stopped.

And I phone round the members. Ah, Mrs Roper.

Mrs West, actually.

Pardon? It doesn't matter. Look, I mustn't keep you any longer.

I've got to see a man about a car.

Oh, yes.

He's bringing it round.

It's a little white car.

Of course, it's second -hand, but I think it's a real bargain.

Ah, caveat emptor.

No, it's a mini.

Let the buyer beware.

There are an awful lot of crooks in the used car business.

One should be careful. One should only buy from one's own class.

I should?

No, you shouldn't, but, I mean... Geoffrey?

Well, I know a chap in that line, Roland Barrington Fitch. He deals mainly in

sports cars, but I'm sure he's got a little runaround in his stock.

Oh, really?

Decent type. Went to Winchester.

Oh, I think that's a bit too far for me.

It should be enough.

Oh, I forgot the tin opener.

Oh, God!

Good afternoon.

Is this the rapist, Hope?

No, I've never heard of him. But this is the address I was given. Oh, no, it

must be Hope. No one lives here that name. Goodbye.

George?

George?

Oh, right then, John.

Was that the front door?

I'm expecting someone, you see. There's a man bringing around a little white...

The white mini?

But he's driving off.

Yeah.

George. What?

You sent him away, didn't you? No, certainly not.

Yes, I did.

Right. I want an explanation.

And it had better be good.

Army recruiting office?

Yes, sir.

If you could just let me have your name and address, I'll put some pamphlets in

the post to you.

Right.

Right, George.

In you go.

They might put me up against a wall and shoot me dead.

Nonsense. After all this time, they'll probably let you off with a flesh wound.

He looks very busy. Let's come back another time. George, do you want to

the rest of your life gulking up in the attic, wearing a beard and dark glasses,

never seeing anybody from one year's end to the next? Yes.

Get in there.

Yes? My husband.

has something he wants to say to you.

It's about joining the army.

Well, sir, it's a man's life. I can let you have some beverage and... Aren't you

a bit past it?

No, no, no. You don't understand, you see.

My name's Roper.

You've probably heard of me.

No.

Well, it's a long story. It starts in 1949.

Tell him, George. Oh, yeah.

1949, yeah. It was a cold winter, see, and Berlin was still in the grip of the

Russian blockade.

George!

He's been just a tiny bit of a deserter.

But he didn't mean it, and he won't do it again.

A deserter? Yeah, well, see, this came for me in 1949, but only just got it.

Well, I don't know if this is my department.

Let's have a look.

Are you sure this was addressed to you? What?

Well, of course. G. Roper, 27 Lasker Street.

Very well.

I arrest you for deserting from the Women's Royal Army Corps.

What? You are Gloria Roper, aren't you?

Gloria?

Yeah,

well, I just hadn't read it all, and Gloria, she volunteered.

Yeah, George, yes, never mind.

Oh, Mr Barrington Fitch, it's a lovely car.

I'm delighted we had what you wanted, Mrs Rowland.

Nothing like dealing with one's own sort.

Decent of you, Rowland.

I don't know if you've understood this, Mildred, but them call -up papers

weren't for me, see? Yeah, I had worked that out, George.

Oh, it's what I've always wanted.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't touch me.

I didn't desert from the woman's Royal Army Corps.

But this vehicle is on our list of stolen cars.

Stolen? There must be some mistake.

You tell him, Rowland.

One's own sort.