Original subtitles

I like lots of brand because, one, it is packed with crunchy, munchy goodness.

Two, each spoonful contains vitamins A, B, B2, C, D and E.

Hmm.

And three, it keeps me going throughout the day. Yeah, well, it would, wouldn't

it?

Oh, I see the newspapers haven't arrived yet.

What? No, I'm not reading it. I'm doing a competition.

Hey, how's this for a slogan?

Lots of brand has lots of bulk. No need to sit for hours and sulk.

That is not nice, George.

All right, well, what about this one, then?

Lots of brand, let's have a bit. Next thing you know... I

don't know why you go in for these dark competitions. You never

win. Well, I won the crossword thing.

Oh, yeah?

Then they disqualified you after they found you were over nine.

You never encourage me, do you? You never say, this time you can do it,

Yes, I do.

I wasn't talking about that. I'm talking about the competition.

I'm going to send it off today. Have you got to tuck me over your stamp off, you

know? Oh,

God, no wonder you never win.

George, no, I haven't. Oops, I'm going to be late.

Oh, well, where are you going?

It's my key pick class, George.

Every Tuesday and Thursday.

You'll be getting muscles, you will.

Well... It's about time someone in the family, Adam.

I mean, you get out of breath every time you cross your legs.

That's right, go on, try and make me feel small.

I shall go before I say something I might regret.

Why, stupid, prancing around, waving your what's -names.

Pocket money?

Let me see.

Pocket money book?

You've already had it.

Well, a week after that, then.

You can't go on and on borrowing money like a Labour Chancellor.

I want to send off for a poster of the Stranglers.

Who?

No, the Stranglers. They're a pop group.

Ah, Freddie and the Dreamers, that sort of thing.

Tristan, when I was your age and I wanted extra pocket money, I used to

it. Cleaning cars, doing a paper round.

Climbing up chimneys. Climbing up chim... It is never too soon, Anne, for

learn the work ethic.

Quite right.

Get out there with a tray of matches.

I'd rather do a paper round.

I'd be using the comics for nothing.

Go on.

Ah, er, excuse me. Er, good morning.

I wonder if you can let me have a stamp.

Oh, very well.

As long as you let me have it back.

Well, I can't. I'm going to stick it on the bedroom postie.

Is Mildred going shopping this morning?

What, no. She's gone off to the keep -fit classes with you.

You haven't gone.

No, I don't, when they're not holding them.

Eh? Well, they're finished on an August. They're not beginning again till next

month. Yeah, but Mildred's been going every Tuesday and Thursday for weeks.

Well, I don't, do you?

Yes,

well, perhaps I'm wrong.

Well, if you didn't keep him fit, what is she doing?

Mrs Roper, I'll drive up to the common, we'll put the old plates on, and you can

try a few hill starts.

Oh, that'll be starting a car on the hill.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Here we go then, couples.

Eyes down for a major prize, eh?

Quit rub on the bum for luck.

Here comes Mildred.

With a man.

Mildred. Yes, sir?

Excuse me for interrupting, but I do hope I haven't landed you in it.

Pardon? Well, I told Mr. Roper that the keep -fit classes are finished.

Ah.

Boo -boo.

Boo -boo.

Big boo -boo? No, a little boo -boo.

You see, actually, I didn't want him to know that I was taking driving lessons.

Driving? Sheesh!

Oh, is that all?

Yeah. Well, what do you think I was up to?

Well... Oh, I should be so lucky.

No, it's just that, you see, if George found out, he'd insist on teaching me to

drive himself.

Well, you haven't got a car anymore.

Oh, that wouldn't stop him.

Oh, you know... I remember. He tried to teach me once. Got the language and the

temper tantrums.

And I was only adjusting my seatbelt.

Geoffrey was just as bad. He wouldn't let me drive more than 20 miles an hour.

Oh, he never got us while I was moving off.

He jumped out as soon as I started the engine.

Geoffrey didn't do that. He fainted occasionally.

Well, you see, this Mr Bowes, you know, from the avenue, he's a retired driving

instructor. Oh, and he...

Oh, he's such a gentleman.

He never swears at me.

Good. Yeah.

His lips move, but never out loud.

Would you like a cup of coffee, dear? No, thanks, love. I only popped in to

apologise. I suppose you'll have to tell Mr Roper now.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, he's probably imagining all sorts.

Mildred, there's something I demand to know.

Yes? Is there any sugar in this?

Yes.

I, uh... I saw a woman this morning spitting the image of you in a car with

another man.

Oh, really?

Well, well, well.

Well, it couldn't have been you, of course. Not if you were at your keep

classes. Oh, that's true.

I'm not a jealous man, Mildred.

Aren't you? I wonder.

Well, there's nothing to be jealous about. I mean, if it was you, you'd

have a perfectly good explanation.

Yes.

Well, what is it? What's what?

The explanation.

You said it couldn't be me.

Let's put it another way.

What's the most important thing in a marriage?

Well... Honesty.

Good. Yeah, that too.

Fine. Trust in each other.

I mean, I read a piece in the paper the other day about this woman who started

mucking about with another fellow after 20 -odd years of marriage.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Her husband accused her of it. I think I read it.

She hit him with an axe.

Have we got any biscuits?

Hello, son.

Oh, yes.

You on your own, are you?

Not any more, it seems.

I suspect you could do with a bit of a chat, seeing as you're on your own.

No. Good.

Son, supposing it came to your attention that your wife was mucking about with

another fella.

What? I mean, well, would you have it out with her, you know, accuse her?

My wife mucking about?

Is she?

No, I don't mean your wife. Well, I mean, she may be, for all I know. No,

it's a mate of mine, his wife.

A mate of yours?

What would you do if you were me? You know, have to advise him, I mean.

Well, if I was a mate of yours, it's most unlikely, but if I was, I would ask

myself if it was partly my fault. My fault?

Well, his fault. Have I been a loving husband?

Oh, yeah, he's always done his duty, never flinched. Well, only last month he

actually... I don't think I want to know the details.

Has he, this mate, kept the romance alive in the marriage?

Well, there wasn't a lot to start with.

Flowers, chocolates, little gifts, a night out occasionally.

Oh, he doesn't bother with all that rubbish.

He sounds to me like an insensitive clod.

A selfish oaf.

Wouldn't you agree?

Start wooing her all over again. That's my advice.

Yeah. Flowers, chocolates.

It might work.

That's a good idea.

Are you having another scotch?

Oh, yes. Thank you. Right.

Excuse me.

He wants another scotch over there. Good night, son.

Right. At or near a road junction.

A bend.

A brow of the hill.

On a Humptyback Road.

I'm home, Mildred.

It's me, your husband.

Oh.

And there was I, expecting Steve McQueen.

Oh, so it's him. What?

No, nothing, nothing.

I mean, I'm probably partly to blame.

Mildred, I've bought you something.

A bag of rebels.

Oh, thank you, George. Well, they're cheaper than a box and you get more.

And I've brought you these, Mildred.

Roses for a rose.

Oh, George.

Well, they're chrysanthemums, but the thought was there.

Oh, thank you, love. No, I haven't finished yet, Mildred.

You're looking quite...

Quite... Quite lovely this evening, Mildred.

Have you been drinking?

Can't I pay you a compliment without being legless? Oh, no, George. Oh, thank

you. I mean, they're very nice.

Yeah, and I suggest after dinner tonight we, um... Well, we, uh... We have an

early night.

We have an early night. There, I've said it. Oh, George!

Hey,

careful, Mildred. They're squatting me rebels.

Love and marriage, love and marriage, glued together like a ball.

Oh, good morning, sir.

I think one of me ribs have gone.

Perhaps when I fell out of bed.

Ah, here we are.

Bacon and sausage and kidney.

Oh, lots of meat for my little tiger.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

What's the matter, precious?

I haven't got the strength to get the lid off the filetone.

There we go.

There, you see?

Now, you sit down, save your strength. Yeah, of course.

Shall we eat your breakfast?

Oh, no, no, I don't want any of that.

Just a cup of coffee and a handful of them.

Here we are.

George, did you mean what you said last night?

What about oil in the springs?

About taking me out tonight.

Yeah, I wanted to do what we used to do when we were courting. Oh, lovely.

Where will we find an air raid shelter?

No, no, no. Go to the pictures and a spot of supper afterwards.

Oh, yes.

Ages. What was the last film we saw?

Oh.

Nympho Night Nurse. Together.

Oh, I don't know.

It had Will A in it.

Quite a while back.

Yes.

Where are we going to eat tonight?

Oh, you know the new French restaurant that opened in High Street? Mm -hmm. You

know, with the velvet curtains and the doorman outside?

Oh, yes.

I thought we'd go to the fish and chip shop next door.

Right, you know what the best thing is for a cold, don't we?

A whiskey and soda.

You can't always go by your father. Come on, open up.

That's it.

I think I'd rather have a cold.

Ah,

sister.

I've got it for you.

What? Do you remember what you asked for yesterday?

A Strangler's poster.

No, no, no, no, no. A job.

A newspaper round.

I talk to Mr Updike at the corner shop, a fellow Rotarian, and you start

tomorrow. How's that?

Great. Have to be up at six o 'clock in the morning.

Well, we all have to make sacrifices.

Oh? And what's yours?

Well, the bed gets cold when you leave it.

There you go. Two rock salmon and chips.

Salt, vinegar, curry powder on the table.

It's a good film, wasn't it?

It's a bit near the knuckle, though.

It was halfway up the arm.

I didn't realise Julie Andrews did that sort of thing.

No, no, she was in Cinema One. We were in Cinema Two.

They are Confessions of a Sewage Worker and Emanuel in Newcastle.

I mean, in my day, you'd... cut to waves breaking.

You knew where you were.

Oh, yeah, and rockets taking off. Why?

Trains entering tunnels, volcanoes erupting. Yeah, yeah, all right.

Oh, George, couldn't we have come somewhere nicer than this?

Why, it's the sort of place we used to go to when we were caught in.

You know, cotton chips and pickled onions.

Yeah, but we were young then, George. I mean, when you get older, you want more.

Oh, right.

Two pickled onions and cotton chips twice, then.

I don't suppose you serve wine?

Oh, and that's new.

But I could do you an impertinent little lemonade, chilled or room temperature,

grown on the southern slopes of a chemical back in Darlington.

Now, two cups of tea.

Ah, there's a touch, Mildred.

Could we have them over there?

Well, I'll do me best, but me aim ain't as good as it used to be.

Oh, yeah.

I can feel it all coming back, Mildred. You haven't eaten anything yet.

No, no, no, the feeling. You know, us alone together out on the town enjoying

ourselves.

Well, you did sort of enjoy the film, didn't you?

Well, the nicest part was when you put your hand on my knee. You haven't done

that for ages.

Oh, yeah.

I didn't put my hand on your knee.

Two golden chips, two cups of tea, two pickled onions, that'll be £1 .80.

Oh, right. Your turn, Mildred. I'll pay for the pictures.

Yeah, it's what we used to do.

No, it isn't. I used to pay for the pictures as well.

Morning, darling.

Did Tristan get off on his paper round all right?

He's got a cold, Geoffrey. I'm not sending him out in the pouring rain.

Do you mean to stay till up in bed? Yes.

And I'm keeping him off school.

But he'll be letting Mr Updown dyke.

Dyke down up.

Updyke down.

So? So I gave him my word as a fellow Rotarian.

Well, you go and do his paper round, then.

Me?

But it's raining out there.

And check driving mirror.

Check gear is in neutral.

Flutter eyelashes at examiner.

Switch on ignition, hand signal, flush eyelashes again, and into first.

Good morning, George.

Oh, good morning.

Oh, I think the two pickled onions was a mistake.

I had a shocking nightmare.

I know.

You were talking in your sleep.

Yeah. And who is Bountiful Bridget?

Don't you remember? She was in the Confessions film. You know, big girl,

time she turned round, the first three rows ducked.

Yes, well, it's all a bit bread and bread to me, George. You know, it was a

evening, wasn't it?

Strolling home under the stars, down Muggers Lane.

There were quite a few other courting couples, did you notice?

We fell over, two of them.

You didn't really enjoy the evening, did you?

Well, it...

Well, you made an effort, George, and I appreciate it.

I've been making quite a lot of efforts lately, Mildred. I know.

I want things to be the same as they were before between us. Oh.

I think I'd rather have them the way they are now.

Oh, whoops, I'm going to be late. Now, look, George, I'll put the kettle on.

You'll have to make your own breakfast.

Where are you going?

It's Thursday, my keep -fit class.

Stop, Mildred. I forbid it.

Hey, you're not to see this Steve McQueen fellow again.

Oh, Dan.

Yes?

It's a roper, is it? Yeah, come in.

I've come to pick up your wife.

Hang on.

It's him. It's you. You're him.

Yes. I've driven here to save your wife from walking round to my house to rain,

you see. Come inside.

I want a word with you, McQueen.

Don't you take that attitude with me.

Go inside.

We'll have this out man to man.

Right, that's right.

Well, come on down.

What? Sit down.

Now then, listen.

I know all about what's been going on with you and her.

Oh. So what's the meaning of it, eh?

Well, it's a little embarrassing, but I believe she thinks I'd be better at it

than you are.

You see, four,

sometimes five in a day.

You mean she's been discussing me with you?

Oh, she merely said that the last time you tried it, you lost interest.

Gave it up as a bad job.

So she turned to you?

Yes.

Mind you, now that I'm getting on a bit, I don't take on as many, of course.

Just, uh, your wife on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the vicar's daughter on

Saturday nights.

George, is that the... Oh, Mr. Bowles.

You've met my husband? Yes, he has, and he's told me the whole story. All right,

so now you know.

Well, let's get started.

Hang on!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't pay you for last Tuesday.

You mean you pay him for... Oh, my God.

It's great of him to teach me to drive for nothing.

I've never heard anything so disgusting in all my life.

Teach you what?

To drive.

I've got my test, look, at ten o 'clock.

Test? You'll need that for the examiner, Mrs Roper. Oh, yes, of course. You

mean, you and him together drive... Oh,

dear, oh, dear.

For what?

Well, I thought you and him were... I thought I taught you to drive.

Now, don't let's start that.

Shall we go?

Yeah, but, Mildred... Yeah? I wouldn't have charged you as much.

Just a minute. I mean, anybody can teach driving.

Oh, hang on, yeah. I see what you mean. You have the vicar's daughter on

Saturday for driving lessons.

Mind your own business.

Wish me luck, George.

Oh, morning, Mr Formile.

Morning. Oh.

How's it going, baby?

What are you doing round here, then, son?

I'm delivering newspapers.

Let me see, you're the Financial Times and the Economist, aren't you?

No, the Sun and the Beano.

I've gone wrong again.

Poor one on our times, have we? Doing a bit of moonlighting.

I don't wish to discuss it now. Will you please take these?

All right, if it'll help you out, yeah. Thank you, thank you. Oh, hang on, hang

on.

I didn't give a Christmas box last year.

Here we are.

Ah, useless newspaper.

Call that a page three.

George!

Oh, there you are, George.

The only woman on it is Margaret Thatcher, and she's dressed.

George, I've passed.

Look, look, I've passed.

Oh, congratulations.

Oh, I thought he'd fail me when I accidentally put his knee into gear.

Well, he didn't seem to mind.

So you can drive a car now, eh? Yes, and now I'm going to save up for a nice

little second -hand mini. Oh, we can do better than that, Mildred.

Pardon? Well, I had a letter this morning from one of the competitions you

at, and I've won a prize.

Well, what sort of prize?

Latest model of the Jaguar XJS.

Mildred, I'm giving it to you. Oh, John.