Original subtitles

What are you looking so cheerful about?

You know that daft old biddy at number 20?

I only just missed running her down.

They think they own the road because they're standing on a zebra crossing.

I expect she was going to Mrs Clifton -White's garden party. I gave her a real

blast on me horn. Beep, beep.

I think a suspender snapped.

Everyone's going, apart from us.

Groceries went flying all over the place.

I don't think we are socially accepted, George.

I don't know why.

I thought you said you didn't want to go.

Only after she didn't invite me.

Why didn't she invite me, George?

Probably something to do with me running over a cat last week.

Oh, I don't suppose that helped.

Well, I didn't run over all the cats, just a bit of the tail.

Well, you don't expect to see a cat on the pavement, do you?

You don't expect to see a motorbike either.

No, that's true.

Still, look on the bright side. The social diary you bought is empty. You

use it for next year.

It is not empty.

It was my coffee morning last July.

Yeah, but nobody came.

No. Of course, I could write down all the occasions I wasn't invited to.

Cool, that'll fill it.

Of course, there is a rational explanation, you know.

What? They don't like you.

Well, I mean, some of them don't even like me.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You've had half of them jumping for their lives.

Ah, a lot of toffee -nosed snobs round here, the lot of them.

Yeah.

I'm beginning to think you're right.

Yeah, well, we should never have come here in the first... You are.

Well, we don't seem to fit in, George.

I don't know, perhaps we ought to move.

Oh, yeah, I'll go along with that. Don't we, Moby?

Local amenities committee.

Conservative association.

Hello, darling. How was the garden party? Had to leave early.

Your son disgraced himself.

Oh, Tristram.

Not this one.

That one.

He isn't health trained yet.

Made it back today with one lucky to spare.

How's it going?

Oh, it's too much, Anne.

I just shouldn't have taken on the local amenities committee.

Oh, um, how about this for a car speaker?

Well, that's a funny way to spell horse trough. What?

No, no, no, that was last week. This week we're campaigning to save the old

lamppost and the close.

Oh. Why?

Because it's there.

Publicity, that's what we need.

The Hampton Wick Times are sending round a chap at, uh, 2 .30.

3 o 'clock I've got the PTA meeting.

3 .30 Rotarian. 4 o 'clock play with fun.

That's... Yes, be in the garden, four o 'clock with your football.

Oh, you'd get more attention if we were a lamp post.

Now, let's face it, Mildred. The people round here, they're not our sort.

They crook their little finger when they fill in the dustbin.

Well, I'm... You've made coffee for me?

Yeah, white with sugar.

I take it black without.

Oh, all right. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Let me treasure the moment.

Well, someone takes it white with sugar.

You do.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well, I've done my best to make contact with the people round here.

usually when they were crossing the street.

Yeah, but, I mean, they look down on me because I'm a worker.

What?

Well, I would be if I had a job.

George, the point is, where can we move to?

I mean, is there anywhere where they wouldn't look down on you? Yeah, Lasker

Street down East End.

I was considered a bit of a toff when I lived there.

Oh, my God.

Mainly because I used to change me socks every month.

Still, it had an atmosphere.

Yeah, it must have had.

Ah, warmth, cosiness, row of little terrace houses.

Ah, they may not have been grand, but you could eat your dinner off the

doorstep. Yes.

Yeah, sometimes we had to when me dad fell over with the fish and chips.

George, it was the slum.

And that was in the better areas.

Yeah, that meant the people were friendly.

You didn't have to lock your front door.

You didn't have a front door.

Well, not after bonfire night, no.

Still, the lads round there, they see you never go without.

Ah, that's true.

If there was a party in Lasker Street, everyone was at it. Yes.

I've still got friends here, Elf and Gladys Newton.

I send them a Christmas card every year. Yeah, they send it back the following

year. Yeah, but they're friends, not like the people round here. They

snub you.

No.

We'd be much happier living there.

You know what? I think I'll give old Elf a ring.

Well, it wouldn't do any harm to see the place.

This is not a lamppost.

Well, what is it, then?

It's a piece of local history.

Do you realise when this magnificent example of craftsmanship was put up,

Victoria was on the throne?

Well, we all have to go sometime.

Look, I tell you what, I take a photo of it.

Now, how about you leaning on it and showing a bit of leg, eh?

Me? Show a leg?

All right. Dad!

I want publicity, so do I. I want publicity.

It's not for myself...

Four mile is spelt with an E.

Yeah.

How about you, son? If you were to climb up it, that would make a good shot.

All right. Tristan!

Look, I've got to find an angle somewhere, haven't I?

Has anyone been hung from it?

Not yet.

Yeah, well, then so did my grandad, but nobody wants to preserve him, do they?

Anything else about him?

Mrs Jones's dog uses it a lot.

What's that?

Thank you.

Rows of cosy little terrace houses.

Ah! Oh, cosy little tower block.

Same difference. Still be nice and friendly.

Welcoming smiles.

Wouldn't leave you right there, mister.

Might get your tyre flashed. You are?

Of course. We could do a car fit for you.

Keep an eye on it, like.

Oh, that's very kind of you, little boy.

It'll cost you 50p.

50p?

That's downright extortion.

I only charge trillions when I was your age.

That's inflation, isn't it?

Shut up.

welcoming, friendly.

Oh, just a couple of kids, that's all.

All right, then. Health and Gladys, flat 198, Kearhardy Buildings.

17th floor.

Oh, God.

We should

have tried the lift. It might have been working.

How? Someone has stolen all the bucks.

I'm going off this visit.

We haven't even arrived yet.

One more floor. I swear I'd have got a nosebleed.

Like me.

Oh, God.

I can't be present at the unveiling. I have to go ahead to London to make the

final arrangements for Anthony's exhibition.

You'll join me tomorrow.

Like a shot.

You'll be pleased to hear... You're like Elf and Gladys. They don't stand on

ceremony.

Go away, we're not in.

Yeah. I see what you mean.

Gladys, it's George.

George Roper.

Oh, yes.

Hello, George. How have you been keeping?

Oh, not too badly, Tom. Oh, this is Mildred, my wife.

Oh. had to do, I'm sure.

Yes.

Well,

that was a short visit.

Oh, uh, please take the chain off the door, you'll see.

I thought you was the curly man who's wearing the tie and that.

Come in, don't be strangers.

Help, they're here.

Oh, I won't hear of it.

Oh, hello, George. Been a long time.

Get my beer, bro.

In a glass.

It's a kind of royalty, are we?

Let's mix the telly up.

Oh, this is Mildred, my old lady. Your what?

No, wife, wife.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Shift the particle frame off the settee and park yourself.

Oh, yeah, right.

Sorry,

sorry.

Ta. Yeah, well, old Asker Street certainly changed since my time off.

Yeah, very likely. You can't tell from up here.

No, still, the people don't change, do they? I mean, you know, the same warmth.

Oh, you mean a little lad cycling across the cobbles, delivering fresh ovies,

that sort of thing?

Yeah, that's right.

Of course, where have you been, mate? Round here, been mugged before he'd gone

ten yards.

Yeah, we met. two little red -haired ruffians downstairs.

You know, they threatened to splash our tyres.

Oh, yeah, that'd be Shane and Elvis.

They're my boys.

They were very sweet about it.

They are, though, condensed with sugar, all right.

Yes.

What is it, tea or coffee?

Who knows? It's been stewing on the odd for days.

Still, the flats are nice, though, aren't they? Well, a bit. A bit hot.

Oh, it has its advantages.

For instance, we're the first to know when it's raining.

And they can't reach the windows with the bricks.

Do you think the council might let us have one of these flats?

Oh, no, no, I wouldn't think so, George. I mean, there's bound to be a waiting

list. Yeah, there is.

Waiting to get out of them.

Ah, so we stand a chance, Mildred.

Well, what do you reckon? Nice place, really, isn't it?

Why don't you get used to it on me?

I certainly got a good sense of humour.

Did you see the writing on the wall?

Got a laugh, haven't you?

You know what you can do with it.

No, they tell you what you can do with it.

This place.

Where did the kids go the 50p to?

I don't know.

Probably gone off somewhere else.

What a beggar.

Pinched me saddle.

You mustn't make a hasty decision, Mildred.

I mean, it probably wasn't looking at its best.

But when the sun is shining and the weeds are out... We wouldn't fit in

George. Well, we don't fit in here, do we?

I mean, we're square pegs in round holes.

Oh, there must be some people somewhere who are like me.

Oh, I doubt it.

I mean, the whole world can't be divided into scruffs and snobs and nothing in

between. You know what your trouble is, Mildred?

And I've never said this to you before.

Yes. And I don't think I'll say it to you now.

Now, come on, come on, what is it?

Well, you're trying to climb the social ladder and you've got a few rungs

missing.

Yeah. I mean, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's... Yeah, I think I

my point.

I'm beginning to think he's right.

Oh, there are lots and lots of people round here who like you, Mildred. Name

one. Me.

Name two.

Well, there's... Yes, all right.

You don't have to bother, I know.

I mean, I never get invited to parties. I never get asked to serve on

commissions.

Have you seen the local paper? And hello, Mrs Roper, they've published that

photograph. Oh, yes. And just look at that caption.

Save our lamp post campaign.

Get the leg up.

And they've spelled my name wrong. I don't know what the country's coming to.

Neither do I.

Sometimes I think I ought to emigrate.

Nowadays you can't... What did you say?

Just now, about emigrating?

It has crossed my mind.

I mean, I think that perhaps George and I would fit in better, you know,

somewhere else, like Australia.

What a marvellous idea.

Geoffrey! Australia.

I mean, you couldn't get further away.

And it's a wonderful place. The sun, the sea.

Really? Absolutely.

You and Mr Roper would love it.

Love it.

Here we are, George.

I warmed your slippers in the oven.

Oh.

Sir. And your dinner's nearly ready.

That is my best nail file.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

No, no, no, no.

It's all right, George.

You go ahead. Go on.

Oh, all right.

Well, you're being very nice to me. Oh, God!

What's the matter?

They're hot.

You're being very nice to me, Mildred. Why?

I've got a little suggestion to make.

Oh, not again. Be fair, it's only a couple of weeks ago. Not again!

It's, er... It's about us moving, George.

What, to Alaska Street?

No. No, George, I... How would you feel about moving further out?

What, sort of Guilford way?

Er... Well, further south.

Well, I like the coast, Brighton. No, no, no, even further south.

Well, we get our feet wet.

Look, let me give you a clue, George.

Tie me kangaroo down, sport.

Tie me kangaroo down.

Spain?

Australia!

Oh, you mean that Australia.

The very same.

Oh, George, we could emigrate, make a new life.

There is hundreds of miles away, Mildred. How would I get to the British

You could go to the Australian Legion.

No, they never let us in the country.

We don't like Rolf Harris.

And that's another reason for moving.

He's over here.

I know, but still, Mildred, we can't... Well, it's a bit sudden, isn't it?

You wouldn't like it there, Moby.

All the water would fall out your bowl.

I just managed to get to the travel agents before they closed.

I got you these brochures.

Oh, you shouldn't have bothered.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

But the visa application form, the address of Australia House.

You can get a 69 bus from the corner.

They're at the timetable.

Or I could take you in my car. Just give me a few minutes' notice.

Are you sure you wouldn't miss us?

Oh, of course we would.

Good Lord, the place wouldn't be the same without you.

Hang on, we haven't decided nothing.

No, not yet.

It always takes George a little time before I make up his mind for him.

Just think.

12 ,000 miles between him and me.

12 ,000. It's not far enough, Anne.

I'm not even sure that they're going.

Don't be a defeatist. They'll go.

We could throw a farewell party for them.

We needn't invite them, of course.

I have a lot of time for Mildred. You need to have. She's never out of here.

She's almost part of the kitchen furniture.

That's a bit unfair.

Isn't it, Mildred? What?

Daddy?

It's six o 'clock. We have an appointment to play chess.

I've got that down for 6 .15.

It's six o 'clock in mine.

We'd better synchronise our diaries.

You wouldn't need to synchronise your diaries if you didn't take on all this

committee work. Be careful with that. It's a petition.

Oh, yes. Over 500 signatures.

Oh, I didn't know Adolf Hitler was interested in saving our lampposts.

It's all very well to snipe from the sidelines. Why don't you join in? Our

committee needs a vice -chairman. I'm too busy.

That's what they all say.

But I know someone that isn't too busy.

I think you'll find everything you want there.

Thanks a lot.

You're most welcome. Bye.

Next, please.

Oh.

Mrs and Mr Roper.

Here, we're here to talk about immigrating. What for?

You're already here.

Emigrating.

To Australia.

Ah, then you need to fill in a few forms.

Are you skilled?

Oh, yes, we fill in lots of forms.

No, I... I really meant what line of work you're in. Oh, er...

He's a gas mantle packer.

Unemployed.

Yes, well, he would be.

What's the social security like over there? I mean, can I draw the English

Can I draw the English one as well as yours?

May I ask you your age?

Oh, well, I would say you're as young as you feel.

There's not enough room in the box for that.

Oh, well, um...

I'll be 41 next birthday.

What, again?

No, no, no, look, let me put it to you this way. You can have these forms if

want to, but, well, I mean, what have you got to offer?

Well, I expect I could manage a quid.

No, I really meant what skill?

Oh, he's willing to learn new ones.

Well, he'll have to. He hasn't got any old ones.

Oh, come on, I could teach you a lot to play cricket.

We wiped the floor with you last time, didn't we?

We were short of our best players.

Oh, yeah. What's your name, Adam? Kerry Packermack.

Still 5 -1, eh?

Oh, God!

The thing is, Mrs Roper, is it, do you have anybody over there that would

sponsor you? Do you have guaranteed employment? I mean, is there

waiting for you?

Yes, no, no and no.

What did you answer? Yes to?

It is Mrs Roper.

Oh.

Hang on.

Oh, don't be down, Mildred.

I thought he was quite encouraging about our chances.

When pigs grow wings.

Why, he didn't definitely say no, did he?

Not young enough.

That's what he said.

Not young enough.

No, he didn't. He said too old.

It would have been lovely, George.

New South Wales, Western Australia, the outback.

Yeah. We used to have an outback in Lasker Street.

Oh, it's a terrible thing to feel unwanted.

Oh, come on, Mildred, I'll want you. Do you? Well, not now. I mean, generally

speaking.

Right, so...

Ah, Mr Roper.

How did you get on? Good news, eh? Not really. They said Australia's full.

Ah. We've just popped in to see Mildred. Oh, have you?

Oh, in that case, I'm off to the pub.

Tell her I've gone, will you?

Yes.

Ever the gracious host.

And must I go through with this?

Yes.

Come in, Mildred. Oh, love, yet a call.

Um, your, uh, husband seems to have gone off.

Oh, I've known that for years, love.

Well, sit down.

No, thank you. It's just that I've... He's got something to say to you.

Got something to say to you, you see.

The local amenities committee, of which I am chairman, requires a vice

-chairman. Yes?

I don't suppose you'd care to take on this enormous responsibility, would you?

Oh! You would.

They're campaigning to stop the local council pulling down the Victorian

lampposts in the close.

How worthy.

It would mean involving yourselves, meeting lots of people.

I don't suppose you'd like that?

Oh! She'd like that.

Oh, a need is an involvement, a purpose, a goal.

Save our lamppost.

Julie! Yes?

Julie.

Julie, I've had a slight accident.

I swerve to avoid Mrs. What's -Named Corgi.

Mr. Rupert. Oh, George!

It could have been worse. It could have been the new lamppost.