Original subtitles

Here you go, make yourself at home.

Do you fancy a cup of tea? Oh, no, no, no. A bit early for me, George.

I'll have a scotch.

We haven't seen you since you plumbed in our shower.

No, no.

Working all right, is it?

Oh, yes, it's all right. Mind you, there's a strong smell of gas every time

turn it on. Quite common, that. As a matter of fact, I'd be worried if it

there.

Bit wet, this glass, isn't it?

No, no, no, that's the Scotch.

Oh, yes, yes.

Mildew about, is she? Oh, no, no, she's next door.

Oh, good, good. Now, what would you say, George, to a loan of 50 quid? Oh, yes,

please.

I'll start again.

Look, you know my town residence, my pita tier?

Over the chip shop? Yeah, that's the one, yeah. Well, me and the landlord are

having a bit of a disagreement about the rent.

He wants me to pay it. Oh, it's shocking.

It's not him that worries me, you see. It's this big bruiser that backs him up.

Shoulders like gas holders.

Beats me why he married her.

So, you want to borrow 50 quid or you're in trouble?

That's it.

Yeah, well, you're in trouble. I haven't got it.

I had a fiver, but it went on a nag.

Mildew? Yeah.

She wanted a new nightie. Well, she's going in the hospital this afternoon,

What for?

Oh, about three or four days.

Oh, it's nothing serious, love. The doctor thinks I've got a grumbling

Oh, dear.

Oh, I'm used to things grumbling.

George never stops.

So at least you can spend a few days in bed with nothing to do.

Yeah, I'm used to that as well.

You going to have it out?

Oh, there's no point, dear. I mean, if George isn't keen, he's not keen. Oh.

Oh, the appendix. Well, depends on the result.

Here you go.

Anne? I want you to have a word with your son.

My son?

Oh, dear, what's he done?

It's what he wants, Mrs. Roble. What he wants to do.

I want to stay out all night.

Oh, well, I don't even let your father do that.

In a tent in our back garden. I ask you, what would the neighbours think?

Oh, we wouldn't mind.

I'm sure you wouldn't. I was thinking of the other neighbours.

It's something to do with woodcraft.

Oh, I can remember when I was a brownie.

I'm not a brownie.

No, dear, of course not.

But I asked my parents if I could sleep out in a tent.

Did they let you?

Oh, yes.

They rented my room off to a lodger.

Took me three weeks to get back in.

So I says to her, the landlord's wife, I says, you want to watch it? I says,

I've got a black belt in Chow Mein.

Is that some sort of Chinese food?

Yeah, it's that too, yeah.

Made no difference, though.

They're still thinking they're kicking me out. Oh, no, they wouldn't throw you

out, surely.

George!

Get him out of here!

I'm on my way, Mrs R. I just dropped in to see how the shower was.

He's fine.

We won't get any in.

No. Right, I'll see you around, George. Yeah, right.

Yeah, you don't suppose I could touch her, do you? Not if you value the

no.

See you, Barry.

You don't like him, do you? Now, come on, be honest.

He'd steal the enamel from a blind man's cup.

He knows you don't like him. He said to me, Mildew doesn't like me, he said.

Who doesn't like him?

Mildew. Oh, that's just his little joke, yeah.

Right, well, what time are you due down at the abattoir?

Oh!

Oh, come on. Don't be silly. You're not worried, are you? I'll be all right.

Oh, good.

Oh, so were you.

I don't know why we have appendix in the first place.

Useless little thing. Doesn't serve any purpose.

Same with your tonsils and with your, um... You're on dangerous ground, Joel.

Now, look.

I've got four clean shirts for you.

So wear them one at a time. Right.

Right. And I expect to see a line round the bath when I return.

You can rely on me. Right. And you've got plenty of dinner.

They're all in the freezer.

Oh, all you have to do is to put them in the oven. No problem.

Right. And light it. Hang on, I'd better write this down.

Anyway,

you'll be all right for tonight.

And kindly invite you to round for dinner. I'll go.

But make sure you use the right knife for eating your peas.

Right. Now... Anything else?

No?

Nothing. Right. Come on.

Oh, it's just one thing, Mildred. Yeah?

Have you made out a will?

You'll be in bed number two, Mrs Roper. If you'd like to enter, I can get into

it. Oh, right.

Not you.

I know that. I'm just taking off your cross, shall we?

Doc will be round to see you shortly.

Thank you.

Hey, Mildred. Yeah? I shouldn't be in here. There are women in bed.

I think you're safe, George.

Right, pull the curtain. Come on.

Hey, it's no funny business of mine.

Unzip me, come on. Oh, right.

Where is it?

Most husbands would know.

Are you getting undressed now?

Yeah. Right, I'll stay outside.

Let me know when you're decent.

How am I doing, Doctor?

Yes,

your blood pressure's coming along nicely.

That's my temperature chart.

Well, to the layman, yes, yes.

Yes, well, keep taking the tablets.

Are you going to examine my chest?

No, no, no, no.

No, it's very nice of you, but no, no, thank you.

George? Who are you talking to? I've just got another patient, excuse me.

Right, how are we doing in this... Oh, my God, sorry.

Mr Roper.

Have you put your motorbike in the senior consultant's parking space?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry. Well, I've got to go off now, Mildred, so I'll say

Oh! Oh,

sorry.

Excuse me.

I've struck the gravy.

I've never been allowed to mop up my gravy.

Oh, well, there's quite an art in it, you know.

So you have to get the bread at the right angle.

And with one sweep right round the... Seconds, anyone?

Fourth, Mr Roper?

No, no, thank you.

Beg your pardon?

Must have made a pig of myself.

I liked the funny face you made with your mashed potatoes.

Oh, yeah.

That was good, that, wasn't it?

A couple of peas for eyes, a bit of carrot for the nose, and a dribble of

for the mouth.

Mildred doesn't let me do that.

Well, shall we take coffee in the lounge?

Oh, yeah, right.

Oh, no, no, no, thank you. No coffee for me. It gives me the gallops.

Oh, it's true.

I splashed gravy all over me shirt.

And mine.

And his.

I think I've got a bit of meat stuck behind me teeth.

Never mind, I'll save it till later.

Right, what were you saying about a tent, then?

I was going to sleep out in the garden tonight.

Oh.

But it's chilling down out there.

It's what?

That's what Mr Roper said.

I've cleaned it up a bit.

There's a good programme on telly tonight, Celebrity Hopscotch.

I'm afraid we usually watch BBC Two.

This is on BBC Two.

Ah.

Well, there is a documentary I want to see, The Life Cycle of Ethiopian Goat.

What channel's that on, then?

ITV.

One doesn't know where one is these days.

Right, well, I'll go watch my telly, then.

Are you sure you wouldn't like some coffee, Mr Roper? No, no, thank you, no.

What are we having for dinner tomorrow night?

We're eating out.

Are we? Yes, we are.

Oh, good.

Oh, but not Chinese. I don't like Chinese.

How does he do it, Anne?

Do what?

He had gravy behind his ear.

George, it's me.

Oh, hello, Mildred. Hey, you're missing a good programme on telly tonight.

Yeah, it's called Celebrity Hotscotch.

Oh, Sir Robert Marks just collided with Diana Dawes.

He's getting a bonus point for it.

Yes, George. Now, how are you managing?

I've been concerned about you.

Oh, yeah, fine, fine, fine.

How's yourself?

Still got all your bits and pieces?

Yes. Yes, I'm having an X -ray and some tests tomorrow morning. Oh, good, good.

Angela Rippon, she's got a furler.

Nice pair of legs, though.

Did you give her the four miles for dinner?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are they still speaking to her? Yeah, I think so.

Oh, well, I'll apologise when I see them.

I dread to think.

Now, look, George, you are not to worry and fret about me.

You can rely on me, Mildred.

Yes, George. Well, er, goodnight.

Give me a kiss.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh,

God.

Yeah, what are you... Hey, George.

What are you doing round here?

The breaststroke.

I brought your glass back, George.

You'll notice that it's empty, but we can soon put that right, eh? Oh, yeah,

right. Sit down, make yourself at home. Yeah.

There's a good game on telly tonight.

Celebrity Opscotch.

Isn't that the Pope?

Eh?

Ah, he must have finished. Yeah, that's the news.

Anyway, I was just passing and I thought, old mate, all on his own. You

on your own, aren't you, George? Oh, yeah, and Miltie's gone in.

Good, good. The truth is, George, that I'm up the well -known creek without any

newspaper.

Really?

The landlords kicked me out, and I was wondering whether, you know, old friend,

you could put me up.

Oh. Oh, well, um... Just for the night, George.

Yeah, of course I can. You're very welcome, Jerry.

Bless you. We really appreciate that. Yeah, well, I mean, at least a friend

could... We?

Did I mention it? Yeah, I've got my niece staying with me. My niece?

No, listen, Gerry.

All right, Gloria.

Gerry, you can come in.

Oh, I'd be comfortable to bra if I had one.

This is George, my friend. He's a saint. Saint George.

Oh, yeah?

Where's his dragon?

She's in hospital.

Yeah, yeah, thank you, George. It's very, very nice of you to lend me this.

Not my colour, but still, you know.

Yeah, it's one of Mildred's. Yeah, yeah, I didn't think it was yours, George.

How long are you going to be in there?

Yeah, Jerry, I've been thinking.

You haven't got any brothers and sisters, have you? Not a one, no. Only

George, yeah.

Well, how come you've got a niece, then?

Miracle drugs, George.

Oh, oh, I see.

I hope you don't mind I used your toothbrush.

Only I like to put fresh mascara on before I go to bed.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Well, you're in the spare room and your uncle's in with me.

Thrilled. Yeah.

So I'll say goodnight then.

Is he a bit... Simple or something. Yeah, that's about summed it up, yeah,

Never mind, I might do a bit of sleepwalking later on, eh?

Well, don't come in that.

You look more glamorous than I do.

Ah, stop complaining.

At least you've got a roof over our heads, haven't we?

I don't like it here.

I never promised you a rose garden.

It's curtains for you.

Gumshoe, said the blonde broad.

Waving her stuck nose, Roscoe. Hank. spat out a tooth and gave a crooked

Shove over, Jules.

Anybody ever tell you you're sexy, baby?

You what?

Oh, no, it's a book, see? Oh, thank God for that.

Like a bit of apple, Jules?

What? Oh, no, no, thank you, Jerry.

Not while I'm in bed.

No, I'll just have a pickled onion.

Are you a light sleeper, are you, Julian?

How do you mean?

Well, you know, I mean, if I have to get up during the night for a quick visit

to the bathroom, you know, would you hear it?

Oh.

Slightest movement in this bed and I'm wide awake.

Good night, George.

Yeah. Good night, Mildred.

So, they've done the test already?

Oh, they've done loads, love.

They've done everything except pull me in half and wash me in two different

powders. And?

We should have the results this afternoon.

Oh, love, look, I'm sorry about George's behaviour last night.

What behaviour?

I don't know, but I'm sorry about it.

Do you know, the last time we went out, he drank from his finger bowl.

Yeah. I had to explain to him what it was all about. That explains it. Why?

Why he dabbled his fingers in the clear soup.

Oh!

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, whoops, here he comes.

I'll hide the grape.

Hello. Hello.

How do you do?

Oh, George!

You've brought me something.

Oh, yeah, me dirty washing.

I thought you... Well, you could put it in when they do your sheets.

Let me, please.

Well, I hope the results are good.

Oh, yeah, it'll be fine, as long as you don't put in too much starch.

Yes, well, I'll pop in and see you tomorrow. See you then. All right, love.

-bye. Bye -bye, dear. Thanks for calling.

Well, now, George.

George, put those grapes back.

She's a mason's wife.

Oh, hello,

Doctor.

I'm still taking the tablets.

Oh, yes, I can't.

Doctor?

Since when have you been doctored?

It was a misunderstanding, Mildred. Let it go, let it go. Oh, right.

Now, George, how are you managing all on your own?

On me own?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Yes, it's all right.

Right, now, tell me about these tests you've been having.

Right, give me those.

Why are we putting it up in here?

Because I want to be sure I remember how it's done.

I don't want to make a fool of myself in front of the neighbours.

Oh, what's the matter?

Is the roof leaking?

I'm trying to put the tent up.

Oh. Oh, dear. Well, never mind. When he's finished playing at it, I'll do it.

There.

I'll tell you what.

You could camp in here.

It's not outdoors.

Well, we could leave a window open or something.

Will it stay up?

It's fallen down three times.

Twice.

Now it's three times.

George.

George!

Doctor's coming round. You'll have to go.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, well, it's been nice catching up with all your news.

Will you come again tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, most likely.

Ah, great, right.

Oh, cheerio, Mildred. Best of luck.

Mrs Roper, sir.

Oh, yes.

Mrs Roper.

Well, you'll be glad to know that the tests show nothing wrong with your

appendix. Oh!

Mainly because you haven't got one.

I haven't?

No, you had it out when you were two years old. Oh!

I thought that was my tonsils.

Not unless you keep them down there.

We've just got your records through from your previous GP.

Yeah, but, I mean, I keep getting this stabbing pain.

I mean, here.

Well, yesterday it was this side.

Yeah, but it keeps moving around.

Look, will you have to operate?

I can't.

Not for indigestion.

Indigestion?

Yes, if you don't believe me.

Stay around for the hospital dinner. That'll convince you.

Yeah, well, you can stay another night or two, I suppose.

But you'll have to go when Mildrew comes back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Never mind, I'll go down the town hall tomorrow morning.

With seven kids, we can't help but give it a cancelled house.

You haven't got seven kids.

Patience, the night is young.

That's an uncle -niece joke, George.

Yeah, well, it's nice to see a family getting on so well.

I fancy a bit of talk.

You what?

People talk.

Oh, it's in the fridge, Jerry.

You, er... You on his mother's side?

Why? What's she done?

Ah, yeah, it's good, that, isn't it?

Go on!

This is my wife, Mildred, and this is, um... I'm his niece. Yeah. What? No, no.

I wasn't expecting you back tonight.

So I see.

Well, it's not what you're thinking.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

Well,

I mean, it's perfectly obvious, isn't it? I mean, you come back here and find

alone with a... Well, it's not what you're thinking.

Get her out of here. Come on, you'd better get out. Give me a chance.

I've got me nighting things upstairs.

She's Jerry's niece.

Jerry? He's in the kitchen.

Is he?

Evening, Mrs. R.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's... You and your floozy!

They've got nowhere to go, Mildred.

Ouch!

Right, all ready for the big adventure?

Have you got everything?

Mustn't forget Mr. Plumpty.

I'm a bit old for him.

Oh, yeah.

So you are.

On the other hand, he might get lonely.

Quite.

OK, this is it, partner.

Off you go.

Ah.

When he starts banging on the back door at two o 'clock in the morning, you're

the one that's coming down to let him in. Oh, come on. Haven't you ever wanted

to do anything wild and adventurous?

Well... I did once consider voting liberal, but... That's nice of you,

How do you feel about an early night?

I can't sleep in the tent.

Why not?

Because there's some people in there. A fat man and his niece.