Original subtitles

Pat, that's two and one. One double word score.

That's eight points for George.

Ah, it's a good game, this, isn't it?

All right.

M,

M.

Ah,

yacht. Yeah.

All right, that's seven.

That's 13 points for George.

I'm winning, Mildred.

What are you doing?

I'm playing with myself.

Ask a silly question.

Y -A -H -T?

What's that?

Well, it's yacht.

Well, where's the sea?

Underneath the yacht.

Well, I've had my turn, so now it's my turn again.

George, I'd like a word.

Well, take your pick. Cat, yacht, anything you like.

I need a pee.

Not until I finish talking.

Now, look, George, tomorrow is a very special day for you and me.

So, er, what's so special about it?

The dustman come.

Apart from that... Now, 26 years ago tomorrow.

Now, think, George.

What did you do on that day?

Oh, yeah, now, let's see, that was a Tuesday, wasn't it? Yeah.

Caught number three tram down the newsagent. That was tuppence, yeah.

Bought a packet of five pashas, seven pence. Oh, yeah, in a picture post.

What? How the hell do I know what I was doing? I'm not Leslie Welsh.

Oh? Don't you remember him? He remember you.

Let me refresh your memory, George.

Give us a clue.

Yeah, I know. We got married. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Oh, George, you remembered.

Oh, do I ever forget?

Yeah, every now and again.

Like 25 times on the trot.

Look, George, other people on their wedding anniversaries, well, they do

Do things?

Yeah.

Well, they celebrate, you know, they give each other presents.

Oh, all that, yeah.

Yeah, now, I bought you a present, George, so what are you going to do?

I'll say thank you, Mildred.

You are going to buy me one, and you're going to send me a card.

Oh, without any prompting from me. Understood?

Yeah, all right.

Now you can go to the bathroom.

Pardon?

Ah, you're back.

Look, just look at this.

Congratulations, I put it in the salad.

It's bindweed.

Oh, I can't put bindweed in the salad. I know you can't. Look, it's spreading

and all the roots are in the roper's garden.

Well, can't you reach through and kill them? Oh, I'd love to, especially... No

room. I can't get at them. They're in the middle of his nettle bed.

I must calm down.

Control myself.

Yes, have a Valium sandwich.

Yes.

And, uh, what have you been up to this morning, dear?

I took Tristram to the playground on the Common.

The Common?

Where all the council estate children play.

Now, don't be snobbish, Geoffrey. Is it snobbish to feel that their sort should

have a separate playground?

Yes.

Yes, I suppose it is.

We've made a friend there, Tommy. They're the same age. Oh.

And what does his father do? He sells bindweed down at the market.

Look, Anne, all I'm trying to say is that Tristram has been picking up some

speech habits from the council children.

Oh, he hasn't.

afternoon? I don't think so, son. I think you'd better get on with your

homework. I ain't got none.

I ain't got none?

Well, neither of us ain't got none, then.

As I was saying to Anne, oil and water simply do not mix. No, no.

Gin and tonic do, though. What?

Yes, of course.

Same again, please manage once.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I've got nothing against the working class. Sort

of, yeah. Goes without saying. But one doesn't want one's son mixing with

who can't speak properly.

Oh, so fucking I think the pint of cooking.

If you see what I mean. Quite.

Oh, hello, son.

You in the chair, are you? No, I'm standing.

Oh, good, mine's a pint.

Right.

What shall we chat about, then?

Weed in your garden.

Booty.

Oh, you mean all that green stuff? Yeah, it's coming along nicely, isn't it?

Mr Roper, do you ever talk to yourself?

No. Well, now's your chance, as I was saying.

Ah, I see.

Do I ever talk to myself?

What sort of question's that?

It'd be a daft thing to do, wouldn't it? Yeah, of course it would.

I have nothing against the working classes.

Against him, yes, but he's not working.

And he's got no class.

Perfectly happy with my own company. I don't need them.

All right.

American Express.

Well, it's my run, I think.

Excuse me.

No, no, no, no. I'm just buying for him.

No, no, not that. This. I just found it.

You lost a credit card.

No,

mine were all here.

Yes, so am I.

Yes, sir.

A black briefcase.

Yes. This morning.

Well, I'll certainly let you know if one is handed in.

Could you give me some idea of the contents?

Why not?

Oh, yes, it would be quite helpful.

Thank you, sir.

A pair of black directoire... Yes, I've got that, sir.

A pair of patent leather ladies' shoes.

Six -inch heels.

Size? Eleven?

You've got a right one here.

Parlor maid's apron.

Feather duster.

And a cheese and tomato sandwich.

Right, so just leave it with me, then.

I don't know why I bothered to write that down. I think I'll remember it.

What's your problem?

Oh, um, well, supposing I found something?

Not a black briefcase? No, no, no, no.

What have you found?

Oh, nothing, but I was wondering if there might be a reward.

What, for finding nothing?

Yeah. No, no, no, no.

See, a credit card, see, which I haven't necessarily found.

Well, sir, I... Little road.

Oh, yes, sir.

No, sir, no, no, you didn't mention that.

A studded dog collar with lead.

Yes, sir.

If your briefcase is handed in, I'll give you a ring.

At the vicarage, yes.

Now, this credit card, where didn't you find it? Oh, down at the... No, no, no,

no. I think so, I had.

Have you or haven't you?

Morning,

George.

Oh, good morning.

Now, let's see if a certain someone has remembered our wedding anniversary.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

To my darling Mildred.

Thank you for 26 glorious years.

All my love, George.

Kiss, kiss, kiss.

I didn't send that.

I know you didn't. I sent it myself.

It's the only way I'm going to get one.

Oh, good. I'm glad I didn't forget.

And here's mine to you.

Oh. Oh. I wasn't expecting... It's a get -well -soon card. Exactly.

And here's my present.

Oh. Thank you, Mildred.

Here's a pair of black silk pyjamas.

They will make you look just like Bruce Lee.

More like Peggy Lee.

Well, they replaced the ones you'd got torn last week. Yeah, and whose fault

that? Well, mine, but I was trying to scrub out a cocoa stain.

Well, you might let me take them off first.

Look, put the new ones on. Oh, yeah, all right then.

Oh, no, no, no.

No, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you your present.

You mean you've actually bought me something?

Well, you told me to.

Oh, George, you're so thoughtful.

Now, here.

It's only a fur coat.

Oh, yes, I know, but it's the thought that... Oh, my goodness!

It's secondhand.

Oh, yes, but George, it's a fur coat.

And it cost me 30 quid. Yes, but it's a... I got it from the Oxfam shop. Oh!

Oh, God.

And one of the reasons that you go to private school is that you can learn

to speak... Proper?

Properly.

And since you've been playing with young Tommy, you have been dropping your Hs.

I haven't.

You see?

Sorry, I will try harder.

Good lad.

Anne?

Doorbell's ringing.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir. I want black lead in the grate, sir.

Can we go and play football in the garden now?

Uh, I don't think so. Hello, Mildred. Do come in. Yes, let's.

How are you, dear? All right? Oh, fine. Good.

Hello, Mrs. Roper. Goodbye.

Oh, goodbye.

Do sit down, Mildred. I'll put the kettle on. Thank you, dear.

Mr Roper find out who that credit card belonged to? I don't think so, love, no.

Here, but you'll never guess what he bought me.

Oh, what?

Oh, it is the most beautiful credit card.

Well, yes.

Geoffrey said he found one yesterday in the pub.

Well, George did.

Hmm. Lucky it was him.

But why?

Well, if you lose one and it falls into the wrong hands, they can buy all sorts.

Sorry, you were saying?

Oh, nothing, dear. No, look, I can't say. No, I just popped in because it

Hurtle!

OK?

There.

I reckon it quite suits me.

George?

Greetings, Lotus Blossoms.

Just answer me one question.

Where did you get the money to buy that fur coat?

Oh. So?

Ask no questions, told no lies.

Oh, my God.

What?

You found a credit card yesterday, didn't you?

Yes. Oh, I see.

Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

I think so.

When did I ever do anything dishonest, Mildred?

Well, let's put it another way.

I refuse to discuss the matter.

L. L.

Ah, illiterate. Yeah.

Is there one L in illiterate or two?

I said, is there one L in illiterate? I'm not talking to you, George.

Yes, you are. You just said, I'm not talking to you, George.

Happy anniversary, Mildred.

What? 26 years and one day. See, I remembered.

George.

How did you pay for this coat?

Oh, girl, you're not still going on about that, don't you like it?

I want nothing to do with it. Oh, right, in that case, you can have your pyjamas

back. I'll sleep with nothing on.

No, I won't, no, I won't.

Oh, Spruce.

That's all a thank you get, Moby.

I'll bet if you gave your wife a fur coat, she wouldn't fling it in your

would she? No, of course she wouldn't. Well, there you are, then.

Come on in, love.

Just popped in to borrow a cake tin. I can't remember what I did with mine.

I can. You lent it to me.

Oh.

But you're welcome to borrow it. Thanks.

Morning, Mr Roper.

What? Oh, yeah, likewise.

Oh, here.

Do you want a fur coat?

What do I have to do for it?

I don't understand. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, nothing like that. You'd have to buy it. Mildred doesn't want it. Oh.

Well, it's quite nice.

Well, 30 quid and it's yours. George.

Ignore him, love.

It is not his to sell.

It's not mine either.

Yes, isn't it, sweet? Thank you so much. Good day.

Excuse me.

If I wanted to buy something here, would you take a credit card?

We're a charity, madam. We take anything.

Money, curry shells, dustbin lids.

Your question.

American Express?

I haven't got one.

Oh, that's different.

Please, what I mean is that if someone bought something yesterday with the card

and I returned it, would you cancel the charge?

Well, yes, but... What's wrong with it?

I am a friend of the earth.

Yes, well, I'm quite fond of it myself, but... I don't need anyone to wear a

beaver coat.

Well, unless you call it the beaver.

Well, I suppose I could wade through yesterday's accounts.

It cost £30. Shouldn't take me more than an hour or two to trace it.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Yes, of course.

And then, when I find it, I shall have to cancel the job.

What?

My mum's made a cake.

And they're usually quite eatable.

Yes. About four o 'clock, then.

And bring them... water pistol.

Yes. Bye, Tommy.

It's all fixed up.

Not quite. We haven't told your father yet.

That's really a woman's job.

All right, I'll tell him.

Tell him what?

Well, I've invited someone to tea today and I'm not sure you'll be too pleased.

Your mother.

Anthony Wedgwood -Ben?

Not Roper.

Tommy. Oh, that's all right.

From the council at date?

Yes. I ain't half looking forward to it.

Tartar.

That's it.

See that, Moby? Tartar. That's like the sauce they pour over fish. No, you

probably wouldn't be interested in that.

Where have you been, then?

There and back.

Oh, all right. Be like that. I won't tell you you won the game.

George. I want you to make me a solemn promise.

What? You will never do it again.

Oh, yeah, I'll go along with that.

Right, then.

Hand it over. Come on. What?

The credit card.

Oh, gold.

No, it wasn't yours, George.

You should never have used it to buy that fur coat.

I didn't. Oh, don't you lie to me.

You can go to jail for doing something like that.

Don't move.

I haven't finished with you yet.

Yes? Does Mr George Roper live here?

Yes. Well, can I have a word with him?

Yes, of course.

What about?

I've just come from the police station.

Oh, he didn't do it.

He might have done, but he didn't mean to.

Are you in plain clothes?

Fairly plain.

George!

George, don't say anything until you've seen the lawyer.

You are.

Mr Rupert, my name is MacDonald. He's from the police station.

Oh, it's about a credit card, is it? Aye.

He has his blackout. He forgets things.

I don't have blackout. He's the idiot who's gotten them at all.

I'd like to thank you, Mr Rupert.

But he's never done anything like this before.

Thank him?

But why? I mean... For handing in my credit card.

But you don't... I think honesty like that deserves a small reward.

Oh, well, no, I couldn't really accept anything. No? Oh, yeah, well, I mean, if

you want to, yeah.

George, you... Later, Mildred.

Here we are, then, and thanks again.

Ten tags?

Eight, actually. I've smoked a couple.

Well, I'll, uh... Show myself out? You certainly will.

Oh, if you don't mind, I'll just take the coupons. I collect them.

Do you like?

A miserable git.

I wish I'd used his credit card to buy a fur coat.

You wouldn't have done that.

My fur coat!

Oh, it's ever so nice, isn't it? And such a bargain, too.

Do you think it suits me?

No.

Just because you don't like it, don't put everybody else off. But I do like

I want it. Oh, well, if she wants it, I'll have it. I'll write a cheque.

But I had it first.

But you brought it back.

Now, incidentally, I went through the account and was paid for in cash.

I know.

I could refund it if you insist.

Yes. Most people give up money.

I gave you all my change. I mean, we are a charity.

Now, Jeffrey, you are going to be nice to Tommy.

And do you take me for an insensitive oaf?

Parth.

All right, he can drop his H's if he wants to. He can use double negatives.

can split his infinitives if he wants to. I'll say nothing.

Just try to make him feel at home. Certainly.

Shall I wait till Tristram gets out or shall I put the coal in the bath now?

Jeffrey.

He's only a little boy. Be nice.

Be nice.

I may need a little help.

a little tap.

I... Oh.

Jeffrey, this is Tommy's father, Mr... Bert Harris.

How do you do?

Hello. I thought your son was Bert. No, no, he's not coming. No offence, of

course, but, I mean, quite honestly, I don't think he should mix with you lot.

The bourgeoisie.

I mean, you are, so to speak, the class enemy.

No offence, of course.

I beg your pardon.

Do sit down.

Oh, sir.

As a matter of fact, I think it'd be better if my Tom and your lad didn't

together so much. Why not?

Well, Tom's picking up this sort of lardy -dar way of speaking from your

You know what I mean?

Could you elucidate? Yeah, that's the sort of thing.

Only I want my boy to grow up like me, don't I?

Do you?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm a union shop steward, see?

A shop steward. I'll get your blood pressure pills.

What? And he's going to be the same.

And he can hardly stand up in front of 3 ,000 factory workers and say, I tell

you what, chaps, wouldn't it be a spitting wheeze if we drew the jolly old

labour? What, what?

You know what you are, don't you? What?

You're a bloody snob.

coat was gone.

What? Yeah, well, you know, I took it back to the shop because I thought

you'd... They've sold it.

I see.

My present to you.

George, I'm sorry I doubted you.

I'm sorry.

It's all very well, Mildred, but I think an apology is called for.

Yes.

You doubted my honesty, Mildred, and that hurt.

It's very difficult for a man to forgive and forget when his honesty is

questioned. Yes, but... Well, where did you get the money?

Post office savings account.

Ah.

But you haven't got one.

No, but you have. I'll forge your signature if you want 40 quid.