Original subtitles

Shall we pull another cracker?

What for?

They've only got paper acting them.

I'm wearing two already.

Yeah.

One of them had a lucky charm in. I know.

It flew up and hit me right in the eye.

It worked, though.

What do you mean?

Well, lucky it wasn't my eye.

I'll give the telly another thump. Oh, you might as well. It'll pass the time.

See if I can get it working again.

Look, the tube's gone.

We've had it on morning, noon and night for the last week. Yeah.

I left a bottle of Wincarnis on the top. It boiled.

You won't be able to see Andy Stewart letting in the new year.

There's always a bright side.

I see the last needle's fallen off the tree.

What do you expect to be buying in October?

Well, it was cheaper.

Wednesday, December the 27th.

Do you think the turkey will be unfrozen yet?

That's it.

Well, it's a bit off, isn't it, having cheese sandwiches for Christmas dinner?

It's been a miserable Christmas all round.

I mean, I haven't seen a living soul for the whole holiday.

Well, you've seen me.

Not a living soul.

Cheers. Cheers.

Oh, it's nice to be on our own for a change.

I didn't realise we had so many relatives.

They've probably been breeding since last year.

Do you know we've had 62 people through this house this Christmas?

Well, 62 and a half of you include your Aunt Mary.

What? Well, she's not all there, is she?

She gave me an Easter egg and wished me a happy birthday.

It has been busy.

That bell hasn't stopped ringing.

Next Christmas I'm going to fit revolving doors.

I'll tell you who we haven't had round.

Mildred and Mr Roper.

Well, drink to that.

I meant to say that we've been so busy.

We couldn't have got them in without a shoehorn. Oh, I'm sure they can visit

plenty of their own sort.

I had hoped that Ethel and Humphrey might drop in.

I mean, she said they might.

Said nothing more interesting to do.

It's a poor lookout when even your sister would have been welcome.

Yes. Shall we play a game of charades? No, I can't be bothered. Play on your

own. Come on, we've got to liven up... up.

Now, look.

What's this? Look, look.

Oh, I don't know.

Nor do I, but here's another one coming back the other way.

Ah, you're getting silly now, Mildred. Oh, come on. We can't sit here feeling

sorry for ourselves.

Here, look, I tell you what.

Why don't we go and visit my mother?

Oh, God, you are desperate.

No, I don't want to go, Mildred.

I mean, being with her is the same as being alone, only there's an extra

around.

Look, George, we're sitting here, feeling sorry for ourselves, and that

lady, I mean, she's sitting there all alone.

She'll be glad of the company.

Oh, hello, Mother.

What did you say?

This is me, Mother.

Mildred! Oh, you love to speak up, dear.

Oh, just a minute.

That's better.

Yeah, I've got 20 members of the Derby and Joan Club round. Oh, I can hardly

hear myself think.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that's nice.

Yes, very friendly lot. You ought to join.

Yes, well, um, I'll keep it in mind here. Now, um, what sort of Christmas

you have?

Well, you know what it's like down here. In and out. of each other's houses.

Oh, I've almost lost track of which one to go to bed in.

Oh,

Gary, leave him alone. You don't know where he's been.

Oh, now, how's your Humphrey?

He's George, Mother.

Oh, dear, I am sorry.

It's probably the weather.

Yes. Well, now, um, Mother is homesick!

Bye -bye, Mother.

Yeah.

74 years old, she's having a better time than I am.

What are you doing?

Those presents are for Ethel and Humphrey.

Well, they didn't come, did they? Have a chocolate.

Look, George, that is hardly the seasonal spirit.

I mean, I think you... Yeah, you're right to hell with them.

People shouldn't say they're going to come if they don't mean it. Oh, right.

There you go.

It's Anne.

What? Oh, true.

I'm sorry I haven't been around, but we've been swept off our feet. Oh, it's

been the same with us, dear.

Never a dull moment.

I was wondering, well, Geoffrey and I were wondering if you'd like to come

for a pre -lunch drink?

Ooh, I'd love... Yeah, that's a good idea.

Right.

14 -0. Come on, son, make a fight of it.

Ah, 15 -0.

Do you fancy another game?

No, thank you. You always win.

Come on through.

I'll get you a drink.

Geoffrey?

Hello, Mrs Roper. Mr Roper.

Oh, morning, son.

Would you like a punch?

I'll have a scotch.

Oh, well, what's all this then?

It's electronic tennis.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen this on there. Ruth, what's the name? Big Night.

No,

it's done by hand. That's a switch.

Did you get any nice presents for Christmas?

Oh, you know, George brought me a new sander for his power drill. Oh.

Yeah,

well, it was the only way I could ever get one.

How did you do? Oh, Geoffrey bought me one of those new mixers. It does

everything but eat the food for you. Oh, I know. I've seen them advertised.

Are they as good as they say?

Oh, no.

when he gets round to putting a plug on.

All right, Anne, I only have to be told ten times.

Can I go and have a look at it? Yes, come on, bring the drink.

This is one of your presents, is it?

Yes. Would you like a game?

Yeah, I don't mind.

I'll tell you what, make it more interesting.

Why don't we play for, say, 5p?

All right.

It's time you learned to do this for yourself, you know, Anne.

And what will you do when I've gone?

If you don't change those wires over, you'll be going sooner than you think.

Oh, I've always wanted a proper mixer.

It's not the same tying a spoon onto George's power drill.

Ah, that's 14 each. So it's all down to this point.

Oh, there it is.

Ah, got it! I won!

We are the champions.

That's 5p, you owe me. What?

5p. We had a bet, and I lost.

Good game, good game.

You're not really going to take his pocket, are you?

Not at Christmas time.

Oh, that's a bet. You've got to pay your debts.

I'd be.

Tristan, come play upstairs.

But... But the baby's asleep.

Then play quietly.

And don't worry about your money. I'll win it back with interest.

Yeah, it's a good game, that, isn't it? A lot of skill involved.

Mm -hm. Do you fancy your chances against me?

What? Oh, yeah, all right.

I'll warn you, I'm pretty good.

Shall we have a little side bet, say, a pound?

Oh, all right, you're on, a quid.

Are you ready? Yeah. All right.

One nil. I wasn't ready, was I?

It shreds, grates, peels, slices and mixes.

Wow. It's certainly got a lot of buttons.

I'm scared to press the red one. I have a feeling the kitchen will blast off.

Hi, I've got one. I've got one.

So you did.

So it's 14 -1.

Oops, I tell a lie.

15 -1. That was offside.

You can't have offside in tennis. That's a pound you're on.

How about double or quits?

All right. Shall we try the fast game? Yeah, why not?

Ready and... Go. Right.

Oh, hey, just a minute.

Oh, screw.

Oh, can't hear you. Hang on.

Wait a minute.

That's the phone. That's the phone. Hey, stop.

Hey, can't I hear you? No, no, no, no, no. Let's not have any nostalgia

tantrums. Yeah, but you can't. I've not got a task.

Truth.

Fifteen nil.

That's two pounds, you owe me.

Yeah, there's something wrong with my controls.

Well, take mine. Oh, all right, yeah.

Double of quits again.

If you insist.

Microwave ovens.

£15 off.

Freezers, £20 off.

God, the money I could save if I didn't need to start with.

Last year I queued all night in the Harrods sale and it was raining.

Did you get anything interesting?

A set of saucepans and flu.

Come on, let's join the boys.

Right.

Ready for coffee, you two?

What? Oh, no, that last one shouldn't count. She distracted me. She distracted

me as well?

Oh, that's yet another game I've won.

Oh. You're right, there is a lot of skill in it. Well, not all that amount

skill. I scored some of the points against myself.

Now,

George, if you can't play nicely, don't play at all.

Double or quits again.

Right.

And go.

Mr. Fulmire, how do you play this game?

Oh, well, you see, when I get the ball past his bat, then I score a point.

Oh, like you've just done now? That's right, yes.

There goes another one.

Oh, yes.

Isn't George allowed to hit it back?

Do you mind?

How can I concentrate with you rapping in the mirror?

All right, all right.

They're like little kids, Mildred.

Oh, no, not morbidly too. Oh, it's my

sister.

George, it's Ethel and Humphrey. They've arrived.

Oh, girl, that's all I needed.

Is he the one you call the awful King of Oxshot? Yes, ma 'am.

Haven't you met them?

and say hello.

I might as well. I'm not going to get any conversation out of these two.

Your coffee's here.

Right.

I'll send him back when I've won.

Shouldn't take too long.

Mr Roper, the game's over.

I've won.

Oh, yeah.

Well, double quits again.

Well, do you think that's wise? I mean, you have done it several times and it

does soon mount up.

Well, how much do I owe you?

£128.

Sorry, I appear to have won again.

Hey, I've just remembered.

I'm in your house. Away gold counters double.

If you doubled your score, you'd still lose.

Oh, well, same again.

Mr Roper, you have guests next door. Shouldn't you be there entertaining

Or at least be with them?

I don't want to be with them. They're boring people, know what I mean? Oh, I

By God, I do.

Yeah, well, double or nothing.

You live in a sweet little house, just like this one.

Yes, it must be nice living cheek by jowl with your neighbours.

Ours are over an acre away.

Oh, you have big things, then.

Yeah, it's called our mouth.

All right, Mildred, thank you. I'll stick with the scotch. Oh, yes.

Yes, all right, then, dear.

Ethel, is it the one we brought?

Yes. Then I will.

Still, they're cosy, and I expect you can do wonders with them if you've got

decent furniture.

Yes.

Not for me, thanks, Mildred.

I must take the step or two home, put the lunch on in my tiny kitchen.

Yes, love.

Oh, will you send George home, please?

Bit by bit, if necessary.

Of course.

Bye. Bye -bye.

Bye.

She seemed a nice young woman.

Let's not have any smutty talk at Christmas, Humphrey.

Oh, just look at their tree. It's completely bare.

Well, I'll put some clothes on it, then.

Well, well, well.

Now, isn't it nice?

Now, I expect you want to tell me what Humphrey bought you for Christmas.

No.

No. Well, I would, but I couldn't sail it down the street.

It's a former... Ethel.

...cabin cruiser.

Yeah, well, it's more of a company boat, you know.

The MV Tax Fiddle.

Well, it's very nice.

I always say there's nothing like messing about on luxury cruisers.

Oh, is that you sunbathing on the deck?

Oh, no.

It's the anchor.

Truth. You've done it again. Talk about luck.

You've played this game before.

I feel as if I've been playing it forever.

Mildred wants you home right away.

Good old Mildred.

What about one last game? And she said something about guts and garters?

How about this afternoon, then?

Well... Oh, come on, son. You've got to give me a chance. Be fair.

Well... I'll tell you what. I'll give you an IOU till we play again. How's

You two haven't been playing for money, have you?

No. Just a little. It makes the game more interesting.

I'll be back as soon as I can. I'll see you later.

How much did they owe you?

Well, he has been doubling up and he has lost 16 games. How much?

£45 ,560.

So, uh, then we had a drink and we turned the lights up on our tree.

I believe half of Oxshot went dim.

Well, dim lighting's always suited you, dear.

Yes. But Christmas isn't only about enjoying yourself, so we thought we'd

round and see you.

Great.

Oh, hello, George.

Oh, yeah, likewise.

And, uh, Mary, what's your name?

Oh, yes, well, and, uh, happy new, uh, doodah.

Oh, it's all go, isn't it? I expect you must be getting fed up with visitors.

Yes, I'm a little bit, yeah.

Now, we're all here.

It's prezzy time!

Now, there's one for you.

Oh, thank you. And there's one for you.

Oh. Oh, go on, open them up. They're only amusing trifles.

Oh, it's very nice of you to think... A pipe.

Earrings. Oh, no, you've got those the wrong way around. Now, wait a minute.

Now, give me that. Give me that. That's yours. You have those.

Oh, look at them. They're rather large, but you've got the ears to take them.

Yes, dear. Well, they're lovely.

Well, quite old.

Yeah. I shall think of you every time I wear them.

You're going to laugh at this.

The presents we bought you. They are in the kitchen.

Yeah, we'll go and get them. Come on, George.

You are.

Go on, quick.

Gouda.

We bought Monty and chopped us when he drank it. I do know that.

I suppose I'll have to wrap these up again. I only had the soft centres.

The hard centres have got your teeth marks all over them.

There must be something we could give them. What, in the kitchen?

Well, where else?

Well, there's nothing here worth having except the cooker. We haven't got enough

paper to wrap it up in.

Do you think she'd like a cucumber?

Well, it's hardly festive, is it?

No, I suppose not, but...

Oh, George, I mean, what do you give a woman who's got everything and never

stops talking about it?

Oh, that one's from us, the picture of the robin on the Bank of England.

That's from next door.

And that one's from somebody called Moby, whoever he is.

The goldfish.

Look, stop prying, will you?

Oh, just look at their decorations.

It's all a bit Blue Peter, isn't it?

Ethel, haven't you got any charity left in you?

Of course I have. I've come round here, haven't I?

Oh, I was just saying, what pretty decorations.

Oh, thank you, love.

Here we are, then.

One each.

Oh, sure.

What a surprise.

Oh, you don't have to open them now. Oh, I must.

This is the best part of Christmas.

We thought we'd give you something different, you know, that no one else

have given you.

of cheese.

It's the thought that counts.

And you thought of a pound of cheese.

Now, don't start, Ethel. I mean, you ought to be grateful for what you...

Oven gloves.

Gardening gloves.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to do much gardening with my hands tied together.

Still, they'll come in useful.

Yeah, but, I mean, what do I do with them?

Well, you can hold this pound of cheese for a start.

Yeah, well, hey, it's been nice chatting to you, but I promise I'll pop back

next door, see? Sit!

Right, now, we're going to have a little chat.

I mean, we haven't seen each other for ages.

I mean, you've got lots to talk about.

Is a gambling debt legally enforceable?

What do you mean, like horses and cards, that sort of thing? Yes. No, I don't

think so. Oh, how good.

Not unless you signed an IOU.

£45 ,568?

Geoffrey, you can't possibly expect him to pay this.

He made Tristan pay.

5p, that's a bit of a difference.

Imagine if I did, though.

I'd have to tell his house.

Move away. I'd be free of him. I'd see colours again.

Geoffrey, you've just got to let him win.

Why? Because if you don't, he'll keep on playing. He'll be round here morning,

noon and night, day after day after day.

Ah.

All right.

Up against the wall.

What position?

I don't know, but that's what they say.

Oh, this.

They look at Tottenham like, oh, Jack, look.

Ah, Mr Roper. Oh, I've come round for the game.

Oh, yeah, you'd better come in.

Hello,

Mr Roper.

Remember what I said, Geoffrey. All right, all right, don't fuss, woman.

You ready?

Yeah. All right, let's play the fast game, get it over with.

Off you go.

Oh, it's true, I'll put it through my own goal.

Oh, no, no, look, look. Look, you twist the controls, you see, like this.

There, there, you've scored a point.

Oh, yeah.

Careful, careful.

There, you've scored another one. Oh, yeah.

I'm getting good at this, aren't I?

Here, give me the watch, mate.

All right.

Careful. Up, Mr. Roper. Up, up. What for?

The controls.

I've scored again, damn it. I couldn't help it.

You scored again.

What? Oh, good grief. Oh, I can't watch this.

Look, the idea is to get the bat behind the ball.

Don't you see?

Ah, I see.

Look out, here it comes again.

Anne, has George sneaked in here?

I turn my back and he's gone.

Yes.

No, you twist the controls. You think... Oh, I've won another game.

You're not giving me a chance.

I'll tell you what, double or quits.

No, no.

We'll toss a coin.

There's no skill in it.

And you'll be as good as me, right?

Right.

Call. Hey.

Tell you what.

The best of three.

Oh, well... Right.

Call. Tales.

You're right.

Oh, no, you said the best of three.

Ethel and Humphrey have left. Not now, Mildred, not now.

He's tossing a coin. I stand to lose... How much was it?

£182 ,352.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to disturb anything. How much?

It's all right, Mildred.

Eight. No, tails.

Heads and tails.

You're right.

You won.

You don't owe me a penny.

George,

how much was it? Oh, it doesn't matter now, Mildred. Hey, that was a good game,

that was, wasn't it? I won two out of three.

You fancy playing the game? Quit the time.