Original subtitles

They're behaving like animals, they are.

Who are?

Well, the dogs out there.

Yeah, some of them followed me from the park, kept sniffing round me legs.

I can't understand you, I don't even like dogs.

Well, it might not be you they're interested in.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean...

Truffles is in season.

Yeah, but still, I mean... What do you mean, she... You might have told me.

I mean, she can't help it. Who is turning into a little lady, then? Yeah.

Yeah, come to think of it, that explains a lot. The black and white mongrel from

down the road. He was trying to get in the letterbox yesterday.

Well, it's only natural.

Well, I don't think so. No, you wouldn't.

I don't know... That's humble with Moby. Keeps himself to himself, he does.

He hasn't got a lot of choice.

Yeah, a fish after me own heart. Here, a black five on a red six. Thank you.

Come to think of it, she wasn't playing hard to get. Her tail was going like

windscreen wipers.

She doesn't know what it's all about.

Well, you want to tell her before she gets you into trouble.

I'm not sure I remember.

Oh, take her to the vet.

Yeah, take her to the vet. Get her done.

Certainly not.

Why not?

I want her to have everything in life that I've never had.

And that includes puppies.

Why, it's ridiculous.

There's a mob of them out there, all lined up.

Hey, take her to the vet. Perhaps you could put her on the pill.

Right.

Now, tell your mother...

Tell her what I found you doing.

What?

I was in the garden shed.

Well, that's not so bad.

He was puffing at a cigarette.

Oh, trick drum.

I only wanted to see what it was like.

And what was it like?

Horrible. Oh, it would be. He lit the filter end.

I'm smoking bad for you. Bad. But it stunk your growth.

But it hasn't stunted yours.

Yes, it has. It would have been eight foot four if I hadn't smoked.

It's not clever.

And I want you to promise me you'll never do it again.

I won't. I didn't like it.

Good. And no television for a week.

Not even Doctor Who?

No. But you and me always watch Doctor Who.

And the tribunes have got him trapped in their time zone.

So they have.

No television for four days.

You know who he gets it from, don't you? Oh, yes.

Probably those kids from the council estate.

No, you.

Oh. He sees you smoking and he wants to be like you.

There's only one thing for it.

You'll have to give it up.

It is a pill. The vet is bound to know about it. I still think we ought to have

her done. No.

There's no harm in it. Make her docile.

She'll lose interest, just lie around all day.

You don't have to describe it to me.

Shouldn't we have brought her with us?

Yeah, if you fancy fighting off an Irish woolpound.

Oh, you won't have any trouble with him.

He's long past all that sort of thing.

Aren't you, George?

he's taken to biting postman. Oh, yes?

Yes. I wrote to the vet to ask his advice, but George wouldn't let them

the reply.

There's nothing wrong with him at all. I can't sing, but it doesn't mean I'm

ill. All right?

Next. Oh, that's us. Mr and Mrs Roper. Oh, yes, yes. Come in.

Come in.

You had a little trouble with worms.

Not me, the dog.

Quiet.

All cleared up? Oh, yes.

But, um, Trafford's got another little problem now.

You haven't brought her with you?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I didn't want to talk about it in front of her.

I say, uh, what exactly is the problem?

Um... Well, she's... She's... She's itching for it. Oh, George.

She's in season.

And I wondered if there was a pill of some sort.

Oh, yes, there's a hormone pill I could give you.

It'll make her unattractive to males for a while. Oh, I don't think I like the

sound of that.

Oh, no, you wouldn't, would you?

I think we ought to have her done.

Personally, I think it's better to wait until they have a litter. I don't know

how your wife feels.

Oh, yeah, well, she'd agree with that.

What age is she?

Oh, she's getting on a bit. Last birthday, you were... Oh, troubles!

She's two.

Ideal age.

Yes? Oh, my sister's got a little Yorkie, and he's a little boy. Oh, no,

enough trouble. I don't want half a dozen.

Oh, George, we don't have to keep them all.

Oh, no, you sell them at what?

Pedigree Yorkshire's?

At least £40 a time.

How much?

You know, Anne, since I gave up smoking, my sense of smell has come back.

That's nice.

Not altogether. I just passed the compost tea.

Still, it's a start. My lungs feel pinker, food tastes so much better, and

lost my cough.

You've only given up for four hours.

But I'm feeling the benefit already.

Mmm.

Mmm. What's for lunch?

Boiled nappy?

You know, I've worked it out, Mildred. If she has ten pups at 40 quid a time,

that's 300 quid.

400?

She might not have ten.

She'll probably only have two or three.

Still, it's worth having, isn't it?

What's all that rubbish?

Canapes. I mean, you can't invite people round for cocktails without giving them

canapes.

I'll answer it. Right. George.

What? Now, make them feel welcome. Oh, yeah, I will. Don't worry.

Ah,

come in, Ethel Humphrey. Nice to see you. To see you.

Yeah, well, do come on in.

It's always a delight to have you visit us.

He's been pleasant. He wants something.

Now, you don't know that, do you? And listen, do you think we can try and have

conversation without you mentioning your new diamond ring?

As if I would.

It's your sister Ethel and her husband.

I think you know, Mildred.

Darling.

Humphrey.

Do sit down.

Top.

Cocktail time. What will you have?

Oh, well, we normally have a gin sling. Right.

I can't tell you how pleased I was when you phoned to invite us over.

My pleasure.

So nice to give us a ring.

Yes.

Gin sling. I poured the gin. What do you want me slinging it?

Just tonic will do.

That's right.

Right.

you're wearing, you notice?

It's a nine -diamond hoop. It costs an arm and a leg, and please can we change

the subject?

How's your little Yorkie these days?

Pomeroy? Oh, I didn't tell you. This year, he was best in his class.

Oh, you're sending him to school?

The dog show.

Oh, yeah, talking about dogs.

There's a black and white mongrel outside, seeming to be trying to climb

drainpipe.

Is he back again? Cool, dear.

Well, it's that time of the year for truffles.

Oh, that.

I was thinking if perhaps Pomeroy and truffles could become,

well, little friends.

Oh. Oh, now I'm all for that.

It's time Pomeroy proved he was up to it.

He's had no experience of that sort of thing.

Well, neither had I at his age.

We'll soon get the hang of it.

Right, George.

I don't think he's even seen a bitch.

I keep him with me all the time.

So they're bringing him round this afternoon.

Just to say hello, or is it nitty -gritty time? Well, we hope they're

hit it off together, you know.

Oh, hello, Mr. Formile.

Ma 'am, yesterday I bought a pound of boiled humbugs. Where are they? You've

eaten them.

Where are my toffee whirls? On the sideboard.

He's given up smoking.

Ah. Just got to the really ratty stage.

Oh, I can't believe that.

They are not on the sideboard. My God, if a man can't put down half a pound of

toffee whirls without someone stealing them, it's a poor lookout.

I believe it. Right, I'm just going. Yes.

Does he know what's expected of him? How am I supposed to tell him?

He knows stay and fit and fetch, but...

I don't think his vocabulary stretches to this situation.

I am not happy about this, and it is usual to charge a stud fee.

What do you mean? He gets paid for doing things.

Yeah, and they talk about a dog's life.

Well, I suppose it is in the family. Mildred, I would think I shall expect

pick of the litter.

Oh, yes, dear, of course.

Here we are, George. May you take her?

Ethel and I will go and have a cup of tea while they're... We'll go and have a

cup of tea.

Be brave.

There, there, truffles.

Yeah, come on, Ethel.

I always cry at weddings.

I suppose we ought to introduce them. I mean, it's only decent, isn't it? Yeah.

Truffles, this is Pomeroy Pomfrey.

And, Pomeroy, this is Truffles Roper.

Right, well, what do we do now?

Put some romantic music on the record player. Right, I'll cut it.

Look, we just put them out in the garden and, er... er... let later

take its course.

Oh, right.

Right. Morning, Pomeroy.

England expects.

Best of luck, Shuffles.

Give him a bit of

privacy.

It's a nice day for it isn't it?

Yeah.

Coming along nicely.

What is it?

Your winter jasmine.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah,

I was... I just planted some roses in the far... What

are you doing?

I just thought you might have some sweets in your handbag.

No.

All right.

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

Just a question of willpower and... Good.

What?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I think this calls for a celebration, don't you? Absolutely.

To young love.

How's it going?

Mission accomplished.

Why don't you try swimming round the other way, Moby? Make a nice change for

you.

Oh, you're not yourself lately, are you?

Oh, give us a smile, come on.

There you are.

That's the way.

George!

George? What?

It confirmed.

The vet confirmed it.

She's expecting.

Oh, good.

Oh, I'll put a card in the newsagent's window, 40 quid a time.

See you then.

Did he say how many? No, he did not.

Who's a clever little girl, then?

Shouldn't she be putting her feet up or something?

Oh, George, yes, you're right.

Oh, it's nice to see you thinking of her for a change.

Yeah, right. Well, here.

Perhaps we could raffle them. Then we'd get even more money.

Oh, murder.

Then we could afford a few luxuries for you, couldn't we, Moby?

A bit of carpet on the bottom of your bowl.

You've had your nose put out over this dog business, haven't you? But don't you

worry. I'm going to make it up to you.

Who's a clever boy, then?

Who's a clever wee thing?

Aren't you the clever wee boy?

Aren't you the pretty wee?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Can I be of service to you, sir? Oh, yeah, it's about Moby.

Moby? Yeah, well, he's a bit depressed, you see. I think it's on account of

Truffles getting all the attention.

The truffles?

Yeah, that's the wife's little Yorkie, see? Well, I thought I'd buy him a

present, so, you know, well, to cheer him up.

That'd be Moby.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, what about a nice rubber boon?

I mean, you could throw it for him to catch.

He's a goldfish.

Oh, in that case, it would probably only confuse him. Yeah.

Well, I was thinking of perhaps putting a bell in the bottom of the bowl, but

that's more your budgie, really, isn't it? Oh, it is, yes.

A bull.

Now, that might be the problem. They do need elbow room.

Well, he hasn't got any elbows.

Oh, the marina.

An aquarium deluxe, complete with plants, rocks, pebble, oxygenator.

Oh, yes, very nice.

Oh, if Jackie Onassis was a goldfish, she'd live in this.

I don't normally sell these to people that walk in off the street, you know.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Have you got a funny, sort of cheaper version, sort of semi -detached? No, it

Moby we're speaking of, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, that's right, yeah.

Yeah, I will be getting, you know, some more money because of the puppies and

that. Yeah, all right, I'll take it. Oh, very wise.

And now what about companionship?

What do you mean?

Well, a little friend for our Moby.

He doesn't need a friend, he's got me.

But you can't get in there and swim about with him.

What he needs is a little girlfriend.

Oh, no, we've got enough of that sort of thing going on.

No, no, no, if he's going to have a friend, it's got to be a fella. I mean,

don't get any hanky -panky between two fellas, do you?

I must say, Moby's looking more cheerful since he's got Charlie to play with.

Oh, it's made a difference to the entire house.

Oh, er, Mr Richardson.

Speaking. Oh.

Oh, I do. You rang last week inquiring about prenatal exercises.

Yes. Well, it's about truffles. You see, it's nine weeks to the day since she...

I mean, since they... Well, she's making a little nest for herself upstairs in

the airing cupboard, and I wondered whether you'd like to have a look in.

What for?

Well, it is her first litter, and I think they're on their way.

Oh!

Couldn't you come and hold her paw or something?

Are there any complications?

I don't think so.

Apart from the fact that I can't get at my sheets.

Well, if you're worried, I will be passing later this morning.

You're 46, aren't you?

What's that got to do with it?

Peacock Crescent.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I am, yes.

I'll be there about 11, all right. All right. Well, that's marvellous. Thank

you, Doctor.

Vette.

I do hope she can hang on.

Anne, all my shirts appear to be shrinking.

Look, another button's come off.

It's you you're putting on weight.

Lonesome. It's all those toffees. Just measure your weight.

Well, I did it yesterday.

Tape measure shrunk too.

The man at our quick shop bought a new roll since you gave up smoking.

Oh, don't be silly, Anne. But have you seen my big shovel?

Why? Can't you get them in your mouth quick enough?

And? Mr.

Roper's got it.

Come in, come in. Thank you.

How is she? She's on the phone to her sister.

She's upstairs, in the linen cupboard.

Right.

Can I boil some water or anything?

No, no, no, just leave everything to me. And don't worry, I haven't lost a puppy

yet. Just sit yourself down and relax.

George,

I... Don't get yourself into a state.

Do as the man said. Sit down and relax.

Oh, right.

Have a cigarette.

Oh, dear. I mean, we... Well, we can't have them for us, can we?

Or we...

All we can do is wait, isn't it?

What am I doing? I don't smoke.

I mean, there's no point in worrying, is there?

I mean, no, no, no, no, no. I know that you're a person.

What you've got to do is try and take your mind off it.

You're looking very attractive today, Mildred.

Oh, am I?

Well, no, but I thought it would help you take your mind off it.

Not now, George.

George, what's that?

Oh, it's the telephone. No, it's the doorbell. All right, well, I'll go.

It'll give me something to do. Yeah, right. Oh, dear.

What a palaver, eh?

Are you watching this, fellas?

I haven't seen her so excited since Elastic came off the ration.

George, it's Mr Formile. Oh, hello, sir.

Oh, yes, there you are. You've got a bit of a pot there, haven't you?

I've merely come for the return of my shovel, and I would... Oh, yes, shovel.

Yeah, that's a bit tricky, son.

I left it in a bucket of cement overnight.

Oh, you... You what?

Oh, he's not himself, Mr. Paul. Why wouldn't I, Louis R?

Papa's expecting puppies.

What?

Oh, I think congratulations are in order.

Mother and puppies are doing well.

I was hardly needed.

Oh. George! How many?

Four. Four?

Oh, that's marvellous. Oh, here.

Here, I've been saving these.

Have a cigar.

Have a cigar.

What rope has done to my shovel?

Oh, dear.

Have a toffee whirl, take your mind off it. No, no, no.

Giving up sweet.

I'll believe that when I see it. I am.

It's only a matter of willpower.

Oh. They're here, Mildred.

Oh, yeah. Hello, dears. Sorry we couldn't come sooner, but we're having

roof double glazed.

So, uh, how many did she have, then?

Four. Yeah, I'll go and get them. Four!

There you are, you see. I told you Pomeroy would do his duty.

Oh, yes, he did.

But he was a bit late.

Don't you mean?

That black and white mongrel.

Right, now tell Mummy, tell her what I found you doing.

Was it a garden shed?

No. He was smoking a cigar.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Well, just wanted to see what it was like.

Right, no television for a week.

Aren't they cute?

Yeah, they're not worth 40 quid each.

I think that one's got a bit of the couples in him, you know. We'll have a

giving them away.

Still, it's one in the eye for your sister, eh?

Pick of the litter, eh?

George, I blame you.

Did you let her loose in the park at all?

Well, only when I went into the gents, but I couldn't very well take her in

me, could I?

That's typical. You know nothing.

I mean, all this time you thought Moby was a fella.

What are you talking about?

Have a look in your aquarium.

Oh, I don't see what that's got any difference to...

Hi, Mildred.

I'm a father.