Original subtitles

Oh, yes.

Oh, George, there's a full -colour pager of a guy or committee.

No, I don't like Japanese motorbikes.

Are you sure nobody phoned me today? No, no, no. Oh, look, here's the Henry

Moore. Oh, he's so powerful.

It looks as if the mice have been had. He's got holes in them.

They are not holes.

He's showing the dynamic relationship between solid and space.

How?

That's why...

Putting holes in it.

You have no appreciation of art.

Oh, yes, I have.

I'm not talking about page three.

Well, it's daft what they call art nowadays. I mean, a nose round the side,

eye up here, one eye down there.

Where do you see that, apart from your mother?

My night school teacher says... Oh, him. Mr Pontysock.

Mr Pontifract. He says that an appreciation of art... is what

man from the beast. Yeah.

Should be on top of a Christmas tree, Ethan.

You're wasting your time, a grown woman playing with mud.

Clay modelling.

Well, it's always the same. You start something and halfway through you lose

interest.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Never mind.

Anyway, as I was saying, they should have rung me by now.

Who? Oh, nobody.

Oh, they rang, I said.

Who? Nobody rang. I told you.

If you must know, it's the final of the British Legion darts tournament

tomorrow. They said they'd ring me if I was on the team.

It's between me and old Barney Newton.

Is he still alive?

Well, they think so. The dart keeps leaving his hand.

So, if we leave at nine o 'clock and take the 8303, we should be there in

for the kick -off.

It's a funeral, not a football match.

Just a phrase.

Did I ever meet your aunt, Cynthia?

She was at our wedding.

She was the one that told the vicar to speak up.

Oh, yes.

She won't do it this time.

Well,

let's face it, Anne, she was over 90.

That's even older than you, Mum.

Just a bit, yes.

I've never been to a funeral.

Do we have to take a present?

No.

What's it like to be dead?

I don't know. Ask Mr Roper.

He's not dead.

From the neck up, he is.

Look, what are we going to do about young Tarquin?

Well, we can't leave him with my mother, because she'll be there. And your

mother's in Switzerland.

Apres ski instructors.

Quite. Why don't we take him with us? Oh, no. Once he starts crying, he can

the dead.

Sorry. All we need is someone to look after him, just for a day.

Excuse me. Just returning this.

Come in, Mrs Roper.

Mildred.

Pardon?

Right. If they won't ring me, I'll just have to call them.

British Lidra.

Hello, Ada. It's me. Can I speak to Stan?

Oh, hold on.

It's the rubber dart, kid. Oh, yeah, I should have rung him.

I'm not here.

He says he's not here.

Oh, God.

Give it here.

Hello, George.

About tomorrow night.

How long on the team? Well, the selection committee was split.

One half said no way, and the other half just laughed. Oh.

So it's not decided yet, then?

I can make you 12th man.

12th? There's only eight on the team.

Look, last time we played, I scored a ball, first throw.

Yes, but the board was in the saloon bar and we was playing in the public.

Look, I don't like saying this, Stan, but if I'm not on the team tomorrow,

I'll... Well, I'll just have to wait till the next time.

That's just for it, George. Don't you ring us, we'll ring you.

George, guess what?

We're having a baby tomorrow.

Eh?

Oh, God, Mildred, you've got... You've got to stop these fantasies. I mean, at

your age, a woman should... Oh, George, no.

I mean, the four -mile baby.

Little Tarquin.

They're leaving him with us for the day.

Oh, they think we are. Left luggage office.

Yes. I knew you'd be thrilled.

Well, I'm looking forward to it. Oh, it'll be lovely.

Here. Go and get a tea cloth.

What for?

I'm going to teach you how to change a nappy.

There we are.

Now, you'd better behave yourself today.

Otherwise, your Auntie Mildred will go right off you.

Anne, look, we're running behind schedule.

Tristram, will you hurry up? He's sitting out in the car.

Ah. It's all right, you're sitting out in the car.

He wanted to bring you a skateboard, but I told him it wouldn't be right.

Ah. You have an instinct for these things.

Do you think Tarquin will be all right next time? Of course he will.

Yes, well, as long as he doesn't pick up any working -class habits.

Oh, dear, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. Your elbows were going like

pistons. Yeah, well, I was a bit rested.

I was thinking of little Tarquin.

Oh, God, hey, no, hey, be quiet. They think we're out. Oh, don't be so... Go

into the lounge.

Take your legs with you.

Oh, come in, love.

There we are.

He would sleep at the moment, but I'm afraid that won't last. Oh, good.

Now, look.

You are not to worry about a thing. You just go off and enjoy yourself at your

funeral. Oh.

Sorry, love, you know. Yeah, yeah. Now, you've got here everything you'll need.

Bottles, nappies, sterilizers, earplugs.

We'll be back by seven. Oh, look, you've been safe, Anne, dear.

Oh, I am looking forward to today.

Here we are, talk.

Well, it's a lovely, strange prune.

Here.

It's ever so good for you.

Here, have some.

Here, see.

Listen,

sweetheart, he snarled, hitting his tonsils with two fingers of bourbon.

No dumb broad pulls a Roscoe on me.

Her even white teeth rattled as he slapped a little respect into her.

The dame liked it. In a husky voice, she said, Ding -a -ling -a -ling.

Don't make me climb up my little red ladder today.

Ding -a -ling -a -ling.

Don't make it too hot, George.

Test it with your elbow.

Right, all right.

I know that.

I'm not dark.

Oh, dear.

What time are they coming to pick him up? They said about seven o 'clock. I

think he's gone off. Well, not before time. He's more trouble than a lot for

pigeons.

Hey, aren't you going to your mudslinging tonight?

I am going to my clay modelling club, yeah.

But I'm not going to leave the baby here alone with you.

Oh, why not?

When he started crying, he wanted to put gin in his bottle.

I thought it was gripe water.

Anyway, look, he's out like a light. And they'll be coming to pick him up any

minute. Well, yes, I know. Well, me and Moby can look after him. Well, I suppose

I ought to be going really, you know. I don't want to miss my bath. All right.

Right, look, they'll be here soon.

Yeah, fine. Right.

Bye.

George.

George,

I'm bringing home my new figure tonight.

Oh, yeah, fine, of course it, are you?

My clay figure.

Mr Pontefract says that I have a natural bent for it.

Yeah, well, when it comes to being naturally bent, he should know.

Look, when the four miles get here...

Tell them that he's behaved beautifully.

Yeah, all right. I'll do that. I won't be late. Yeah, fine, fine. Yes, I'm all

right. Yeah, right. Yeah, cheers, bye.

All right.

All right, Madelaine, page 47.

Oh, God.

Oh, don't start that. Not now.

Your mum and dad will be home any minute.

Perhaps it's the electrical system.

Just try it.

Oh, there's a good chap.

Dozy, dozy.

Cor.

Off you go, sleepy -byes.

Shush. Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that you, George?

I'm speaking on behalf of the selection committee.

Oh, yeah. Someone had an accident, did they?

Oh, come on, George. You don't need an accident to get you on a team.

No, it's Alf on his back.

Now, can you be here at eight o 'clock?

Well, I don't know.

Well, I could ring Arthur, couldn't I?

Well, he's only got one leg. He falls over every time he throws.

Yeah, no, it's all right, yeah. I'll be there.

I'm hanging on for someone, but I'll make it by eight. You can rely on me.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

What time do we call this to get decent folk out of their bed?

It's only a quarter to eight.

Yeah, well, some of us got to get up in the morning.

Ah, yes. Well, you see, my car's broken down. Who is it?

What is going on down here?

It is a broken -down gentleman.

Foreigner. Quite. Good evening. I was wondering if I might telephone a garage

from here.

Are you from London?

Yes, I be.

Ah, you'll know our Jeb. He went there.

No, I don't think so.

And look, may I use your phone, please?

I don't know about that. There's only old Mrs. Pendleton on the exchange.

And she goes to bed by half six.

People round here don't use the phone after that.

Well, this is something of an emergency, you see.

Well, I'll see if it's working.

Only the badgers bring down the line, see?

Yes, of course.

Stop flaunting yourself at the jacket.

Well, tell Jack I asked him.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I certainly will.

Oh, this might take a while.

Mrs Pendleton turns her ear grenade off at night on account of she snores.

Right, well, that's me ready for the offence.

Oh, they're late. I don't know.

Mr Roper, this is Geoffrey Formile. Why aren't you here?

Because I'm here.

Where's here?

Where's here?

Hogsbottom.

Never mind where I am. Look, my car's broken down and it looks as if we're

to be late home.

Hey, who were you calling now?

The next -door neighbour.

Farmer Wilkins?

I didn't know he had a phone.

My next -door neighbour.

Look, we should be home in about three or four hours.

What? Yeah, I must go now before the badgers bring down the line.

Yeah, but listen, you can't... I'm supposed to... Oh, Joe, dear.

No thought for others.

Yeah, I mean, one big chance and I'm stuck here with... Have you ever seen a

darts match before, son?

Yeah,

well, that's settled in.

We throw first, followed by Wilson.

I reckon they ought to blindfold one of theirs, huh?

To make up for us playing George.

He can hit a purple tree now and then.

Here he is. He's cut it a bit thin, isn't he?

I'll start pulling his pint. Never fail.

Oh,

there we go.

Oh, sorry about this.

Oh,

very afraid evening, sir.

Yeah.

What's this?

Well, a baby.

It's true, but I came here to get away from that sort of thing, didn't I?

Is he a member?

Well, no, but I got stuck with it, see, and I had to bring him with me. I'd be

left at home.

Here,

have you got any more milk?

What?

Hey, you can't bring a baby in here.

Well, I had to, see.

Well, what about all the smoke, I mean, and the bad language? What do you mean

there's no bad language in here now, is there?

No, well, he hasn't started playing darts yet.

Look at you.

Yeah, perhaps I could leave him outside with a bag of crisps.

No, you're not.

He's coming in the back room where it's peaceful.

There, there, darling.

Come on, I'll look after you.

All right.

Yeah, he belongs to the neighbour, see?

There's been a funeral today.

I see.

And if you let us down this evening, George, there'll be another tomorrow.

If the mechanics say why, it wouldn't start.

He did not.

He only made two remarks.

Who are and that'll be £9 .50.

Ah.

It's all down to you now, George.

And you can do it with this arrow.

I know, I know.

Come on.

Until this evening, I thought you was rubbish. Couldn't hit a dartboard if it

was hanging on your nose.

Enough of the pep talk. Can I throw now?

But you done good tonight.

Now, we want a double top and then we won.

Yeah, right. Double top.

That's the wee narrow bit at the top of the pool.

I know that.

straight into the tubble dock. It was... It was...

Marvellous. Marvellous.

Man of the match.

I've never been man of the match before, Stan.

I feel humble.

Humble.

You are humble, Joe. Thank you.

You know what? I'm going to put this with my Boy Scouts badge.

Yeah. The one I got for Knots.

Why not?

Not. Not.

Hey, why not? Yeah, I'll drink to that.

I drank it already.

All right, you have some more. There you are, son. There we go.

I didn't think you had it in you when you come in there with a baby.

Well, yeah, I know.

Yeah, I thought the same, see, because when I was standing...

The baby!

What? I left it there.

Oh. Oh, hello, George.

Here, it's the missus. Hello, love.

Hello.

You'll never guess what he... That was

Stan. Oh. Oh, perhaps I ought to see him off to the bus stop. No, no, George.

I want to show you something.

Oh, yeah, well... No, no, no, no.

Won't take a minute.

Right,

now, close your eyes.

Oh.

Spoiler!

You can open them.

What is it?

I've taken weeks on this.

I call it pee.

Oh, yeah, very nice. Well, I ought to be going now.

Did they pick him up all right, you know, the baby?

What? Who?

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem at all. Yeah, yeah, fine.

Mr Pontefract said this is the best thing I have ever done.

And, oi, oi, where are you going? Oh, out.

A jog. Yeah, you know, jogging. It's good for the blood.

Come on, Tiger, wake up.

Time to go to bed.

So you're back then.

I was just going off for a jog.

I can't get the baby.

Oh,

it's all right, love. Come on in.

Here. You are just in time to see my new masterpiece.

What do you think?

Well, uh...

Different? Yes.

It is different, isn't it? Yeah.

I call it peace.

Of course. I should have spotted the olive branch.

That's his arm, dear.

It's different. Yes, it's different, yeah.

How was your day?

Well, all right, you know, apart from breaking down.

Oh, yes. Well, they can be very emotional funerals, yes.

Would you like a brandle? Oh, I wouldn't say no. Right.

I hope Tarquin's been no trouble.

Oh, not at all. Didn't George tell you? Well, we only saw it briefly.

No tantrum.

Only one, dear, when the baby hit him in the teeth with his rattle.

It was a great night tonight.

I've never seen George so excited.

Yeah, he must have been.

Left one of his darts behind.

Imagine him getting that last double top.

Makes you wonder where he was aiming.

Oh, great, listen.

I know you've left something behind, haven't you? Right. Just this minute,

it in the cupboard.

You can't do that.

There you are.

No, not a dart, a baby.

You didn't leave that poor little mite.

Yeah, could happen to anyone.

Good night, all.

I'm afraid there's only a drop, dear. But we raided the bottle last Christmas.

That would be lovely to warm me up. Then I must get Tarkin to bed.

Oh, is he still up? Yes.

What? Oh,

there he is. There you are. There's your mother. Oh, he's still awake.

Where's his pram?

Outside.

Well, thank you very much, Mildred. I'll see you tomorrow.

Yes, love, but look, I don't quite understand.

Where would he get... Look, love, I don't... Night, love.

Oh, never again.

George, I want to ask you just one thing.

Where did that baby come from?

What do you mean, originally?

I mean now.

I thought they picked him up hours ago.

Oh, yeah, well, see... That's a lovely statue, Mildred.

Oh, thank you.

It's symbolic, of course. Oh, yeah, you can see that. It hasn't got any what's

-names.

Was not here when I came home. Now, where was he?

Oh.

Um... Never mind.

You stay there. I haven't finished with you yet.

Aye.

Where was he? Where was he? Yes?

Oh, I'm Ada, the barmaid from the British Legion.

George left one of his darts behind.

Oh. Oh, and the baby left his rattle.

What?

Did you take that baby down to the British Legion?

Oh, well, he insisted on coming, Mildred.

He can't talk.

And you left him there, didn't you?

Yeah, well, now then, Mildred.

Now, now, peace.