Original subtitles

Yep, so I said to him, if the meter reads penalty, then penalty it is.

So I gave him a ticket.

He was not pleased.

Well, I'm not surprised. He's the senior traffic warden.

Your boss... Nevertheless, he shouldn't have lent his bicycle against the meter.

Even so... I have to do my job impartially, Mildred.

Sword in one hand, scales in the other.

Blindfolded. Oh.

That must be difficult when you're directing traffic.

I'm speaking in a metaphysical way.

Uh, thorical, George.

You what?

Not physical.

What's not physical? Well, you're not for a start.

No, no, I promised I'd be nice to you now you're working.

Right.

Here's your cap. Uh -oh, Tom.

And, uh, come on.

Let's have a look at you. Yeah, so I said to Miss Dixon, I said, if you lean

your bicycle, the gate... Ha -ha!

Oh, surely.

How long have you been wearing goggles?

Oh, what are these? Oh, I got them yesterday.

Oh, I don't need them all the time, just when I want to say things.

You look like Elton John.

Yeah, I've always wanted to do this.

Now, come on, stand still.

Hang on.

My God, Miss Tremble, but you're beautiful.

I'm sorry, no, they suit you, they really do.

They sort of hide your face.

Can I put them back on?

No, no, I don't need them that much. Oh, yeah? Well, let's find out.

What? Come up here.

Well, what for?

Come on, come on.

Right.

Now then, what's the number plate on the little red car on the corner?

That's a pillar box.

Just testing.

All right, well, what's the number on the sports car that Mr Fourmile is

watching?

Hey, he's got a sports car.

Yes, it's his new one.

Well, he's had it for a week.

A week? Well, then I haven't booked it yet.

Why is Daddy washing his car again?

He washed it yesterday.

I think a leaf fell on it.

He's not going to school in it, is he?

He makes me take my shoes off.

Do you know what a pigeon has done on my bonnet?

Is this what I pay rates for?

I shall write to the Times.

Not a lot of pigeons read the Times, Geoffrey.

The third worst pest that a motorist has to put up with.

What do you mean, third?

After women drivers and traffic wardens.

Yes. No.

I do agree.

He's not supposed to book police cars.

Or doctor's cars, no.

Do give my apologies to the police surgeon.

It won't happen again, sir.

No. Goodbye.

I'll kill that roper.

Bald as a little... I do beg your pardon, Miss Wainwright.

Losing me rag in front of a lady.

Now, where were we?

Well, I was apologising about being late yesterday morning, Mr Ixton. Not at

all, my dear. I'm sure you had a reason.

Well, not really. That's good enough for me.

You see, I parked round the corner and I didn't have any change for the meter,

so I went across to the sweet shop. And when I got back... You'd been booked.

Roper. That's six pounds.

I know.

I don't know how much it is.

Don't upset yourself, my dear.

This may well get lost in the files.

Oh, Mr.

Eason. Don't worry your pretty little head about it.

Leave it in my hands.

Oh!

Ah, Roper, you're late.

Well, only by a minute.

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's lateness.

Step into my office.

Oh, all right.

Morning, Elsie.

Sit down, Roper.

Now then, in the past few weeks, I've received several complaints about your

behaviour. In fact, I wrote one of them myself.

I just do my job. You overdo it.

The royal visit last month.

Well, she shouldn't have parked outside the town hall.

If you could have broke through the cordon, you'd have had her.

I'll just do my job.

There are times, Roper, when you have to turn a blind eye.

Like Nelson at the Battle of Trafalgar.

How do you mean? Well, if you'd been there, you'd have stuck a ticket on his

horse.

I don't mind keenness, but get your facts straight.

It is not illegal for a bus to stop at a bus stop.

If you're not happy with my work, Mr Hickson, you can sack me. Oh, you'd like

that, wouldn't you? Then he'd be off to the Industrial Relations Tribunal like a

rat up a drainpipe.

That'd cross my mind. And copper packet. Well, I will not give you the

satisfaction. Will that be all? Not quite.

I run a happy ship.

And it only takes one rotten apple in the ointment to spoil it for a heap of

tar.

So watch it.

I don't know.

Shopping seems to get harder and harder.

I mean, I can't seem to find a pair of size six shoes to fit me. Why not?

I take seven and a half.

Come in, love. Here.

Should we go mad and have a sherry? Oh, let's. Right.

Sit down, love.

Yes, I'm looking for a pair of shoes to match my new evening dress.

You've got a new evening dress?

No, but when I find the shoes, I'll find one to match them.

Flashing out a bit, eh? Oh, well, you know, now that George has got a proper

job, I feel I can afford HP.

There you are, love.

Cheers. Cheers.

Actually,

I bought a new see -through nightie, mainly to take Geoffrey's mind off his

car.

Oh.

That should get him started on cold morning.

Right. And if necessary, I'll try it with the top down. Oh.

It's all go, isn't it, Jerry?

Yeah.

How long before you get off duty?

Oh, I've got another half hour yet.

Any chance of a cup of tea?

Oh, you can have Young Ranger's mug.

Where is he these days?

He got picked up as an illegal immigrant.

Someone tipped him off.

Oh, dear.

Just after he asked me for a rise, it was.

Sugar? Six.

It's a good thing in a way.

Cement used to wreak a curry.

How are you getting on with your job, then?

I'll keep him busy, you know. Oh, by the way, nothing personal, but I stuck a

ticket on your lorry.

Doesn't bother me.

I'll never pay him.

You keep him busy?

Oh, you know how it is.

My reputation's spreading.

Oh, you're not, then? No.

Oh, well, never mind it. This is your own boss, aren't you?

You don't have RSM eggs and moaning at you.

Is he still coming, is he?

I don't know. Put some people in their uniform, they turn into jumped -up

itlers. Yeah, that's what he said.

You want to stand up to him, George?

He'd crumble.

You reckon? Yeah.

They all do.

I mean, I had a sergeant in the army once, made my life hell, and one day I

to him, Look here, Sarge, I'm a human being, entitled to respect, I've got

rights.

And he crumbled?

It's a bad example, come to think of it. I've got a month's jankers.

Still, you made your point.

Oh, yeah.

There you are, little man. Oh, what?

What?

Wanted for toiling the ice, Pete. Oh, yeah, well, I was... Diving off for a

and a cuppa.

Useless. He's crumbled, you. Eh? Crumbled, crumbled.

Yeah, right.

Now, look here. I am a human being.

No, you're not. You're a traffic warden.

How did you know he was in here? You must be spying on him. Tell your fat

to keep out of it.

Don't speak about him like that.

He's a fat friend of mine.

This is industrial misconduct, Rupert. I could track you.

In fact, if you're not back in duty in ten seconds, I will. If he talked to me

like that, I'd throw his job in his face. Yeah? Yeah.

One more word from you and I resign.

What word would you like?

Buffoon?

Incompetent? Or how about wit?

There's a word for you. Wit.

Right, that's it. I resign.

In writing, please.

You don't think I'd do it, do you? Yeah, well, I will. I'm telling you, George.

You can push a man too far, you know.

Oh, very true, very true.

Yeah. Don't forget to date it.

Spying on me like that. A man has his rights.

Right, there you are. My resignation.

This is where he'll crumble.

Excellent. Excellent.

And I won't even require you to work off your notice.

Good day, gentlemen.

He didn't crumble, Jerry.

No, it never worked for me, neither.

Still, you make your point. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I'd like to see Mildew's face when you tell her, eh?

Ah.

Look, we've only the one garage.

It's quite a problem being a two -car family.

It's quite a problem being a no -car family.

Now George has got a steady job. Who knows?

Good heavens, is that Geoffrey?

I haven't even got his dinner on.

No, dear, he lives next door with you.

Oh, good.

Oh, I shouldn't be drinking in the afternoon.

I'm just going, Mr Roper.

Oh, good.

Don't go. I'll be left alone with Mildred.

You're married.

Bye. Oh, bye -bye, love.

Oh, George, come and sit down. Come on.

That's it.

Put your feet up.

You've had a hard day's work.

Now, there are your slippers.

Can I pour you a sherry? Yeah, you'd better make it a large one. Oh, right.

Mildred, I've got something to say.

Yes, well, I've got something to say to you, George. Now, I don't often pay you

a compliment.

You never pay me a compliment.

No, well, perhaps now is the moment.

Well, I've had a few.

Now, I've always looked upon you, George, as, well, useless.

Lazy, incapable of work, and generally shiftless.

This is a compliment, is it?

But you've proved me wrong, George.

I mean, you've stuck to this job for two months now, and, well, I'm proud of

you. Yeah.

Right. Now, what was it you wanted to say to me?

Oh, nothing, nothing, no, no. What, what, what, what was for dinner?

No, no, don't do it, Mildred.

No,

they'll hang you.

Morning, George.

Breakfast.

Oh.

I thought you'd like to have it in bed for a change.

Have what in bed?

Breakfast.

Oh, yeah.

It's only seven o 'clock.

Well, you don't want to be late for work, George.

Oh, a little bit.

Well, now's the time to tell you something.

Well, tell me what, George?

No, no, no, I'll tell you later.

Hurry up, George, you're going to be late for work.

All right, all right, I'm coming.

Right, now, here are your sandwiches.

The ones you like.

Dripping and tomato.

Well, Mildred, there's something I should tell you. Yeah?

Well, you're not going to like it.

What is it, George?

Well, I'll... Tomorrow, I like cheese and pickle.

Oh, I mean, it's ridiculous. I could be staying in bed every morning.

Instead of which, I have to leave the house, hang around the library, go to

park. Come round here pestering me. Come round here pestering you.

Look, George, why don't you just tell her?

All it takes is five little words, I have resigned.

That's three.

She'll provide the other two.

I've got problems of my own. I mean, bills, bills, bills. I mean, I've got 40

bags of cement arriving today that want cash before they unload.

Well, they've done business with you before, haven't they?

Yeah, once.

I mean, what happened to faith?

Trust in another man's word? Well, you never had any.

Well, I didn't, but they did.

I used to cash cheques with Flo at the sweet shop.

She won't do it any more.

Hey, Jerry.

You've got a cash flow problem.

Very droll, yeah.

Sorry, I can't help you, Jerry.

I mean, this little lot's got to last me.

What little lot is that, George? It came in the post this morning. You know, a

week in hand, a bit of holiday pay.

I mean, does it come to taking a figure out of mid -air?

£72 .49 a day, I mean. Oh, yeah.

It's way over... Oh, no, Jerry, no, I can't lend it to you.

Mildred'll kill me.

Well, she'll kill you anyway, so we won't need money.

No, I'm sorry, Jerry, sorry. No, you're right. Absolutely right.

Friendship is more important than money.

Play poker at all, do you, Jerry?

Senior Traffic Warden A .P .W.

Higson here.

Oh, Mr.

Higson. Oh, I've heard so much about you.

This is Mildred Roper, my husband's wife.

May I speak to Mr. Roper, please?

Er, he's not here.

Oh, well, the point is, madam, it has come to my attention that he has not

handed in his uniform.

Pardon? He's resigned?

Last week, so he says, but he's been going out every morning.

Oh, dear, that could explain it. What?

Well, I saw him in the library yesterday.

He was reading a book on self -defence. He'll need it.

Go on.

Go on, tell your mother.

Tell her what you've just done. Hello, Mrs Roper.

I've kicked my foot back.

It's his new car.

I'll get the boiling oil. You get the thumbscrews.

And I am trying to be reasonable.

And failing.

Did it dent it?

I don't think so.

I'll have to park it in the garage.

On top of the other one, if necessary.

I see the night he didn't take his mind off it, then.

I don't suppose you want to raise the limit, do you, George?

No, no.

Right, I'll open for the hate me again, then.

No, that's too rich for me, Jerry.

Two hours we've been playing now, George, and I'm up for, oh, six and a

Yeah, well, you're on a lucky streak.

Johnny!

Strange World Intercontinental Plumbers and Decalators.

Speaking.

I've got 40 bags of cement for you. Where do you want them? Yeah, well, just

find a clear place in the yard, will you? There ain't one.

It says here you've got to pay before I unload.

Uh -huh.

Well, here's six and a half feet.

That won't cover it. No, no, you go and get a cup of tea. Give me ten minutes.

I'll have the money for you when you come back, right?

George.

Oprah.

No, no, dear, I'm sorry. No, I can't lend it to you. I don't want you to lend

to me. I wouldn't ask you to lend it to me even if you insisted.

I want you to give it to me.

Now, George, I'm going to make you an offer that you can't refuse.

Do sit down, Mrs Rother.

Oh, it's ever so nice of you to see me at such short notice.

Oh, I must say, I was expecting an older man.

the responsibilities you have.

Well, I shan't see 30 again.

Incredible.

Well, now, what can I do for you, Mrs. Wilbur? Oh, please.

Mildred. Oh, I feel I know you. You know, with George always singing your

praises. Really? Oh, yes.

Oh, he looked up to you, Mr. Hickson. He was...

Mr. Higson.

Oh, well, Arnold.

Oh, Arnold. Oh, it's such a strong, masculine name.

It suits you.

Oh, yes, well... Oh, no, no, no, it mustn't go on. I mean, you think I'm

flattering you.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You must speak as you find, Mrs. Hogan.

Mildred.

Mildred.

In what way can I be of service to you?

Well, it's just about my husband's foolish mistake.

Which one?

There were so many.

You know, his silly little resignation.

Oh, that, yes.

Oh, he bitterly regretted Arnold.

Does he? Oh, he will.

Oh, he does, yes.

Yes. I mean, he said to me only this morning, he said, Mildred, he said, I

lost my guide and my mentor through my own foolishness.

Did he say that?

Oh, well.

with me to explain the situation to Mildred.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm looking forward to it, George.

So, where do you want me to stack this for me?

Oh, in my garage, round the back, number two.

Thank you.

Yeah, well, quite an occasion, this, really, isn't it?

Bit of a millstone in my life.

Cheers.

Come on in, Jerry.

Come on, all the way.

I'm not worried. I mean,

well, Mildred would be delighted the way things have turned out. Absolutely.

So you won't need me, actually. No, no, no.

No, it's best if we both tell her.

I'll tell you what, I'll prepare the ground and you follow me in.

Thrill!

Hello, Mildred.

Hello, George.

Have a good day.

At work?

Yeah. No.

Oh. Did you see Mr Hickson during your day's work?

No. Yeah. No.

I did.

Oh, good.

Look, Mildred, I've got something to tell... You did?

Oh,

we had quite a long talk.

Arnold and I.

Did, did, did, did, did, did, did... Did my name come up at all?

Hmm. Oh, then...

You know I've resigned.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did. Oh, no, you didn't.

He's agreed to change his mind.

What? How?

Well, George, I made it on with a trowel.

I mean, it's a pushover for a pretty face.

You start on Monday.

Oh, no, Mildred, no, I can't, you see, because I've... Jerry!

Mrs R, it's still there.

That flush of youth on the gossamer cheeks... Blen, you're off!

He's got something to tell... Well, we've both got something to tell you.

Why can't he start on Monday?

You tell her, George. No, no, no, you tell her.

George has bought his way into my business, shrewdly bargaining for the

of... What was it again, George?

Assistant Managing Director.

Yeah, yeah.

There you are. There's his name on the letterheading.

It's impe... Canceled? Yeah, purely temporary, Mrs. R. You see, I needed a

with drive and ambition and... And 72 quid. And 72 quid. And Claire, he will

participating in executive decisions.

Steering the ship of industry. And making a tea.

Yeah, that very important part of the job, that tea, George. Hey, and I'll get

half the profits.

Ah, who's keeping the book?

Well, he is.

Oh, you fool.

He's using you as a dog's body.

Ah, no, no, no. Be fair, Mrs. R. Assistant managing dog's body.

Give him his money back.

I can't do that. He's spent on 40 bags of cement. Yeah, and I said they could

put them in our garage.

What?

George, really.

You are not storing our fat friend's rubbish in our garage.

Why not? Because I've told Mr Paul Mile he can use it for his second car.

I mean, it's the least...