Original subtitles

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it quite suit me.

Makes me look so distinguished.

Bit like Jimmy Hill.

George, have you seen my book of exercises?

Oh, no, no, no. Hey, Mildred, give me an honest answer. Does it suit me?

Does what suit you?

Well, the beard.

What beard?

Oh, it's silly, isn't it?

You have to look in the mirror to see it properly. See, that's right.

Come on, stand upright.

Oh, that's good coming from you.

Right, now then, what do you think?

It doesn't suit me, George.

Not you, me. I'm thinking of growing a beard.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Give me something to get a hold of.

I've changed my mind.

Oh, look, George, it took you ten years to grow a moustache.

For the first two, I thought it was a rash.

It's been often thought I look like Burt Reynolds.

Oh, yeah?

Who thought that?

Yeah, well, I did, actually. What are you looking for?

My book, you know, for my keep thick glasses.

Oh, it's dark, all that exercising.

Look, George, you have to exercise every part of the body regularly.

Otherwise, it won't stay firm.

Um, any questions?

Hey, I'll get exercise. I've got me bike.

motorbike. Yeah, well, I have to push it a lot.

Yeah, well, at least I can touch my toes, George, which is more than you can

I can touch your toes if I want to, but I don't. Last time you went all frisky.

I remember what happened.

Yeah, so do I. Pyjama buttons popping off like bullets.

I linked it to Anne next door.

What? My Keep Fit book.

Right, all right.

Oh.

Good morning.

Mrs Roper.

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, I had to climb down the ladder to answer the front door anyway.

Oh, good.

I'm just sticking ceiling tiles in the kitchen.

Ah, on the ceiling.

It seemed best.

Could I have a word with Anne?

Yes, of course.

Would you like to go to the bathroom?

Not at the moment, no.

Well, she's up there bathing the baby.

Oh! Oh, yes.

Lovely.

Is this Billy Button where he was joined to you?

Yes. It doesn't look long enough.

Oh. Well, it was a bit longer.

Is everyone decent?

Oh, hello, Mildred. Come on in.

I called in to see the... Oh, look at that little thing.

Which little thing? Oh, isn't he sweet?

Who's got a fat little tummy there?

I think I'll have my bath later.

He doesn't like getting undressed in front of women.

No, George is the same.

Actually,

I was going to pop in on you later.

Return the Keep Fit book. Oh, that's what I call Roundabout.

It's mainly exercise seven.

If I don't get it in the right order, I end up looking like Spaghetti Junction.

I tried that and split my tie.

Oh, yes.

Oh, isn't it a lovely bathroom?

Haven't you seen it before? No, no, I haven't.

Oh, you've got a proper shower as well.

All tiled.

May I?

Have you got time?

Have a look.

Geoffrey installed it when we first moved in.

Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, you can almost get two people in here.

Yes, you can.

Place these pictures of Raquel Welsh in order.

In order to what?

What are you laughing at? I just made a joke, really.

No.

What was it?

Well, it says here, place these pictures of Raquel Welsh in order, see?

In order to what?

You baffle me sometimes, George.

Here, listen.

Mr. Formile is very good with his hands.

Why, what's he been doing to you?

He has fitted a shower, I mean a fully tiled shower, in their bathroom.

And just like the one I have now decided I've always wanted.

Oh, no, I'm not a do -it -yourself man.

No, I'm not.

Anyway, I don't like showers. You can't read the paper.

Oh, George.

I mean, look, just think of it. You get up in the morning, you step in. You have

a brisk, tingling fresh cold shower.

You're like brushing your teeth all over.

One thing I do not need is a cold shower.

I'll go along with that.

You'll never satisfy, Mildred. You've got a fancy bath matching sink and bog.

When I was a lad, all we had was a tin bath, that's all.

I know, you've still got it in the garage.

We used to take it off the backyard wall, bang it on the bottom to get rid

the spiders.

Drag it in front of the fire, big block of carbolic, pipe cleaners, get rid of

the wax.

Seven kids, one after the other, all using the same water.

Oh, they were the good days.

No, they weren't. I was always last.

George,

are you going to... this shower for me, or are you not?

Well, I can't. Well, all right, then. Then you can go round to one of the

builders, and who can do it for you? And get the estimates tomorrow.

Oh, all right. I'll tell you what. What? Well, we've got a watering can.

Yeah? Well, next time you want a bath, I'll come upstairs and pour it all over

you. You will not.

That's it.

A very last one.

Oh, quite.

Isn't that a superb job?

Yes. You say the nicest things.

Oh, I can see why you were working so fast. You're running out of glue. Yes, I

was, actually. Had to keep thinning it down with tap water.

So, smells strong enough.

And one and two.

And one and two.

Is that you, George?

Yes, Mary.

Hi, Amy.

Hello.

Right. And one and... and two, and three, and four, and one, and two. Hey,

want to be careful, you'll be taking off.

Oh.

Did you get the estimate?

What, yeah, I went round a few shops during my lunch break.

You should see their faces turn white when I walk in in this uniform.

Yes, George. There you are. There we are.

Right, now, ooh, let's have a look at this lot.

Now, to fitting shower cubicle, plumbing, tiling, and making good...

Yep, plus 800 VAT.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Anyway,

we can't afford them.

Well, no, George, but perhaps the second one will be... 412.

Yeah, the last one's a bit cheaper.

Well, I mean, even so, we can't afford... 57 pounds 20.

Transworld Intercontinental Plumbing.

Why is it so cheap, George?

Well, it's a special price, Mildred, on account of being a friend of mine. Oh,

no. All right, Jerry, you can come in now.

Evening, Mrs. Dahl.

Always a pleasure to see your happy, welcoming smile.

Get him out of here! We can't afford anyone else.

Hey, Jerry.

Jerry, now, look, come and sit down.

You are Transworld Intercontinental Plumbing?

Well, me and young Ranji, actually.

But you can't have him. Oh, no, he's got a contract.

Fit a door handle in New Malden.

Do you want a cup of tea? Oh, Tom, no ice, just a splash of soda.

I don't want to waste your time, Mrs R, but what is time to you young

people, eh?

Have a look at that, eh?

I could do you a nice Hollywood -style shower, as seen in Psycho, or... You're

the one that put our letterbox in.

Back to front? Yes.

Clerical error, that.

Yes. The postman had to come into the hall to push a letter through.

Or there's this one, identical to the one I fitted in Glenda Jackson's

Oh, yes. Well, I mean, the pictures are very nice, but...

Glenda Jackson?

Whoops.

I've broken the cardinal rule.

I don't usually disclose the identity of my clients, so, George, you mustn't

tell her.

Oh, you can rely on us, Gerry.

Are you telling me you can fix this for £57 .20?

Absolutely. Plus extras, of course.

What extras?

Well, you'll want a shower head and a knob to turn it on and off, won't you?

How much the lot?

Ah, well, let's see now.

Time again, George.

There'll be a 20 -brake horsepower to the gallon, allowing for conversion to

Fahrenheit from kilograms, say, 12 .2%, plus, of course, the fiscal drift in

the European snake.

Well, it rounds out about £99 .99.

That's under 100 quid, Mildred. Yes, George. We can't afford anyone else.

Now, look, it's...

And I only say if I let you do this job for us.

When can you start?

Tricky, tricky one, that.

A bit swamped at the moment, you see.

I think Glenda's spreading the word, you know.

How about tomorrow morning?

Well, I'll stay up this time.

Well, third time lucky.

Yes.

What are they doing next door?

I don't know.

Perhaps she's banging her head against the wall and who could blame her?

Do you want a cup of tea?

No, thanks. I'll go upstairs and change.

Come in, Mrs Roper.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs.

Is it something I said?

I don't think so, Mildred. You didn't say anything.

Oh, no. Oh, good.

I really came in to apologise for the noise next door.

Oh, we didn't notice.

Oh, it's just that they're fitting my new shower.

Exactly like that one.

Oh, very nice.

Does the naked man come with it? No, I'm afraid not, no, no.

No, actually, it's a woman, yeah.

George drew in the moustache and the beard and the...

Must

be here somewhere.

Are you sure you know what you're doing, Gerry?

Of course I do.

I'm conducting a scientific search for the downpipe.

Meenie!

Meenie! Meenie!

Matt! Let's try it.

How will you recognise it when you find it?

Well, it's a pipe, George.

It goes down.

Stand there.

in time.

A bit of real British craftsmanship, that.

I don't think Mildred liked you grouting with her toothbrush.

Well, we won't tell her, will we?

Now, I've taken a spur off the main dam pipe, George, but you must allow time

for the chewing gum to harden.

Chewing gum?

Technical jargon, George, you wouldn't understand, but what I'm saying is the

water in the bathroom must stay off until it's finished.

Oi, that's my flannel.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Use this, it's Mildred's son.

He was a bit stroppy the other day, him next door, eh?

Well, he had cause to be, Gerry.

Yeah, but, I mean, squirting body darts through the hole, I mean... Childish in

the language.

Yeah. When do you reckon he'll be finished?

Oh, just as soon as the showerhead and control unit arrive.

Arrive? From where?

Korea?

I mean, you could get shower hands round the corner.

Not to fit Korean copper pipes, you can't.

Different gauge, you know. And why did you fit Korean copper pipes?

Well, I had them in the yard, you see.

Cheap consignment.

Fell off the back of a rickshaw.

So when can I have a shower?

Well, in days rather than weeks, Mrs R. I've been in touch with the suppliers

and the fittings are already halfway down the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

A longer rope, but prettier, you see.

Here we are then.

Why? Why did I let you persuade me to use him?

I mean, will I never learn?

Well, you mustn't blame yourself, Mildred.

Calls himself a handyman.

He couldn't put up an umbrella.

Yes, well, I'll just be off now then. Ah, you stay there.

Right. You are going. Right. Ah, to the nearest ironmonger.

And you will get me a showerhead that fits.

and you will have it here within 24 hours.

It might take some time.

I don't care if it takes all week, 24 hours.

Right.

Oh, I mean, you could sharpen pencils with that tongue, couldn't you?

You should do as I do, Jerry. What's that? Well, stand up to her. Oh, yeah.

George! Get you and Jerry off, my love.

There we go.

Oh,

hello, son.

This is a bill.

for the repairs and the retiling of my bathroom wall.

Oh, yeah, right.

50 quid? Oh, I could have done it for half that. Excuse me.

Are you insured against this sort of thing? My insurance does not cover

disasters, such as yourself.

Oh, no.

Well, oh, sure.

Oh, dear.

That's a bit steep.

It's a wonder he didn't charge us for the squirt of batty dust.

I am now going to my keep fit class, George.

Oh, yeah? Jolly hockey sticks.

Don't sit down.

You are filthy.

I can't stand up for the rest of my life.

Well, go and have a bath. Get changed.

But there's no water in the bathroom.

Well, carry some up, George. I mean, you're not helpless.

It'll be like the good old days.

Nobody likes me, Moby, except you.

Hey, do you want a drop of tea?

No, perhaps not.

There we are.

Nothing like the old tin barrel.

Right, well, I think we'll have a bit more of this.

Femphone. Brings your skin alive with the zest of a Nordic waterfall.

Smell like a turkey's cat house.

Thank you.

Come on, Percy.

Do come in, dears. Oh,

my God.

Get down, dear.

There we are.

I think George must be, um...

Barfing the dog. Oh, that would be quite... I'll just go and tell him to

it.

Excuse me.

George!

I, um... I haven't met Mr Roper yet.

Oh!

There are a lot of them.

Isn't he a traffic warden? Yes.

Not my favourite kind of person, I must admit.

They always seem to pop up when you leave the place.

Is it a very large world they have?

Not really.

He's a Yorkie. They certainly do him proud.

Afternoon, ladies.

This is Mr Roper.

How... What do you do?

Very nicely, thank you.

It's warm weather for the time of year, isn't it?

Yes, they say we're going to have some rain. Oh, yes, very good for the garden,

yes. Here we are then.

Now, I told you we wouldn't... John!

Excuse me. No,

I won't take that.

Very smart of you to come.

Any one

for

a sponge finger?

Full trade price I had to pay for this thing. Full trade price.

Luckily, they didn't know me.

Took a cheque.

Yeah, well, it's a good -looking job, Jerry.

Your thing had been done by a professional.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's it.

All finished.

Right, well, I'll just go and tell Mildred. She'll like to try it out.

She's not likely to take her clothes off, is she? Oh, I shouldn't think so.

Funny, I've not long had lunch.

It's finished, Mildred.

I know it is.

My social life, all finished.

Well, you're not still on about yesterday, are you?

Well, I mean, they didn't see much. No, they didn't.

I mean, you could have stayed under the water, George. They were only here for

half an hour.

Well, I tell you what, come and see the shower. It'll cheer you up.

I can never go to the kick -pick class again, George.

Now they've seen you, they'll wonder why I'm keeping fit four.

Ah, you're just in time, Mrs. Hark.

The water's turned on.

All systems go.

What do you think?

There's something very strange here.

What? I can't see anything wrong with it.

I mean, it looks all right.

There's a year's guarantee it goes with it. If anything goes wrong, I guarantee

to put it right within a year.

I'll go further. It looks good.

Does it work?

Oh, ye of little faith.

Watch this.

The babysitter's arrived, the taxi's here, and I'm ready.

All right, Anne, the curtain doesn't go up till eight o 'clock.

Plenty of time for a drink, and then we can go next up.

Anne?

Anne?

The shower just went on and off, all by itself.

Have you been at the sherry, Geoffrey?

It doesn't seem to be working.

Well, not in the sense that there's water coming out, no.

Perhaps it takes some time to work through the pipes.

Where is it coming from?

Korea?

It did. It went on all by itself.

Oh, Geoffrey. Look, it did.

No, it's not working at all. I'm turning it on and nothing.

You are the most useless man I've ever met.

Oh, it's working.

Well, of course it is.

Blimey, for a moment there, I thought I'd plumbed it into next doors.

It stopped.

Yeah, well, you just turn it on or off or whatever again.

Not a drop.

You know...

There's something wrong here, Anne.

And you know who I blame?

Mr. Roper.