Original subtitles

Mildred! Home is the hunter.

Hello, Moby.

Your dad's back.

I'll give out 30 tickets a day.

31 if you count the Rolls Royce parked on two metres.

Keep your voice down.

I've stuck a ticket on both ends.

It's never been done before.

Why? Well, Tristram's doing his homework.

Well, he can't hear me next door.

He's in our kitchen.

Anne's taken the baby to the clinic. I've booked his dad today.

Four miles.

He had to come rushing out to the barber's with his hair all wet.

George, he's a friend.

Not any more. You should have heard his language.

You are drunk with power.

Why don't you go and book Anne's pram?

Don't be silly, Mildred. I'm off duty now.

Right, what's for dinner?

Ah, um, I want you to try something new.

Oh, my God.

Osso buco.

Who?

Knuckle of veal.

I'm not eating knuckles. You will be if you don't try it.

Right, now, it'll be ready in half an hour. Where are you going?

I'm off to the pub to numb me taste buds.

Half an hour, or I'll be... Oh, hello, love.

Oh, you having trouble?

I'm looking for the lowest common denominator.

Oh, er... He's just gone to the pub, dear.

Yeah, I booked 31 today.

That's been best yet.

Oh, yeah.

Look, do you cut up while you're in there?

We don't want any violence.

There's no need for that attitude.

Ah, hello, son. Nice evening.

Are you talking to me?

Oh, don't be like that. That was this afternoon when I was on duty.

I mean, no, it's this evening. We're all mates together.

Mates? Well, I was only obeying the orders, you know. That's what Goering

Oh, yeah?

I don't know him. Must be from another district.

Evening. Half a special, please.

All right.

Is there a peacock crescent around here?

Yeah, it's first on the left.

George wrote that?

Yeah, that's right, you know.

Bald, runty fellow.

Is he?

Never buys a round.

Yeah, that's him over there.

The yellow peril.

And that is my opinion of you.

And what do you think of that?

Well, some people might be offended by the phrase arrogant little twerp.

Well, I know you didn't mean it unkindly.

How do I get through to him? Why don't we all have a nice friendly drink, eh?

there's no hard feelings.

Mine's for Scott.

Excuse me.

Mr Roper.

Yeah, that's me.

George Roper. Used to live in Lascar Street, hadn't he? Oh, yeah, that's

You're not from the HP company, are you? No, no.

My card.

That's who I am.

Plumber? Plumber?

I don't think I know you, do I? No, no, that's me job, not me name.

Can we sit down for a minute? Oh, yeah, right.

I don't need any plumbing.

No, it's not about that.

Look, did you know a Rosie Albright back in 1945 in Hackney?

Rosie Albright?

Oh, yeah, Rosie. Little fat girl, big ooter on her. She was me mother.

Yeah, well, a ooter wasn't all that big. A bit like yours, really.

Oh, so she got married then, did she? No.

Well, there's no shame in it these days. I mean, you being a bar... By the way,

how is Rosie?

She's dead.

Oh, good.

Eh? A couple of months ago.

Oh. Yeah, well, these things are often meant for the best.

Good night, son.

Of course.

Quite a job tracking you down. You're not moved around a lot. Oh, yeah, well,

had to, see.

On account of the HP.

Why have you been looking for me? Did Rosie leave a will? No. Oh, but she did

leave this. I found it amongst her things.

A diary?

Yeah, that's right.

You see, she'd never tell me who my father was. Always change the subject

asked. The only thing she told me was it happened on VE night.

Yeah, well, I ought to be going now. May the 8th, 1945.

Would you like to read what she wrote? No, no, no, no. It's very kind of you.

Went out with George Roper.

It finally happened.

Exclamation mark.

Now I am a woman. Two exclamation marks.

What are you implying, eh?

I think that's pretty obvious.

Dad?

Question seven.

Where does most of our coffee come from?

Well, most of mine comes from Tesco, dear.

Oh, I don't suppose they mean that, do they?

No, I think they mean which country.

Oh, yes.

Here. Wait a minute, I did know.

Uh... Uh... Brazil.

Brazil? Yeah.

That'll be Minea, dear.

No, I spelt Brazil wrong.

Oh, hello, love.

Hello, Mildred. Can you bring the pram in? I missed it. Oh,

well, let's hope George doesn't see it. Otherwise he'll have it towed away.

How's the homework coming on?

Slowly. Mrs. Riber's been helping me.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm afraid geometry's not my strong subject.

Geography. Ah, that explains it.

Yeah, well, of course I remember being. I mean, everybody does.

I don't.

No?

Oh, yeah, well, you weren't born... Yeah,

well, I remember being with Rosie, but, I mean, we... Well, we didn't do things.

I remember the whole evening very clearly, up until the fourth pint.

It finally happened.

I wonder what it means.

Well, I don't know, do I? Perhaps I hold her hand. And I was born nine months

later. You've got a very personal hand.

Now, look here, son.

When I say son, I mean, I've called everybody son.

Hey, wait a minute, we weren't alone.

There was another couple with us, yeah.

Ernie, a mate of mine, and his what name?

He's a girlfriend.

Yeah, I clearly remember them being with us. Up to the fourth pint. Up to the

fourth pint.

She's ridiculous, ridiculous.

I mean, you don't even look like me.

Well, I mean, I've got the moustache and you've got the... Oh, my God.

I don't want anything off you, you know.

What? I was just curious to see what my dad looked like. Well, it's natural

enough, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Well, maybe see if I had any

brothers or sisters. Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that. I mean, me and

wouldn't it?

Mildred?

So it's blackmail, is that it? Oh, God.

Maybe I was right, I shouldn't have come. No, hang on, no, don't rush off

that. Oh, God.

Yeah, perhaps you'd better rush off. Look, you need time to take it in. Now,

got me phone number if you want to give me a ring? Oh, yeah, right.

Well, cheerio, Dad.

Oh, yeah, cheerio.

Now, look, George.

I did say half an hour. The dinner is ruined. And I... Did he say dad?

Yeah, no, no, no.

It's ridiculous, George.

I mean, don't tell me you believe me.

Well, I did go out with her that night, I remember.

Yes, I know, but you were father.

Oh, come on.

Well, it could happen, Mildred.

I mean, it must have been the drink. I don't go in for that sort of thing when

I'm sober.

Oh, no.

Anyway, sir.

He was a nice -looking lad, wasn't he? Red hair and that.

Oh, I really didn't see him, George.

You know, I didn't... Not properly.

Yeah, quite handsome, in fact. Oh, well, that settles it. He's definitely not

yours. Go and wash your hands for dinner.

Hey,

Miltry. Yeah?

You're, uh... You're jealous, aren't you?

Don't be silly.

Well, just because you haven't got a son doesn't mean that I can't have a son.

You are talking... yourself into believing it. Well, stranger things have

happened. I mean, this young fellow, what's his name? I mean, he might well

yeah, Bill. He might well be my boy Bill.

George, if you had done anything, you'd have remembered.

I mean, you know, the flags had been out. A brass band, a parade.

Church bells would have been ringing.

They were.

That was me.

Yeah,

but even so, I mean, hey.

Ernie, and what's his name? His girlfriend.

They were with us. Now, Ernie, I remember.

Yeah, he was a bank clerk in Hackney.

Ernie, oh, what was his name?

My arse, the buco.

I know, he was English.

Groves. Yeah, Ernie Groves.

Come in.

Mr and Mrs Roper, sir.

Ah.

You come in, please.

Hello, Ernie. Hello.

Take a seat. Oh, thank you.

Oh, sorry, you've done very well for yourself, Ernie.

Oh, er... Don't call me Ernie.

Ernest, if you must.

But better still, Mr Groves.

You see, I wouldn't like you to get about amongst the staff that I have a

name. Oh.

Yeah, right, well, this is my Mrs Milford. Oh, Charles.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, quite a surprise when you telephone.

It must be all of 30 years or more.

Still, always glad to welcome new customers.

Oh, no, no, no, we're not customers. Oh.

No.

No. You see, why we've called is that, well, George thinks he has a son, and I

don't.

Oh, yes.

Well, surely you would recall if you had one, I mean. I haven't.

Well, that seems pretty conclusive.

Yeah, but I have, see? Well, I mean, I may have. Look, Ernie, just one

Do you remember what happened on VE night?

VE night?

Oh, yes, I do.

Oh, yes.

Oh,

my word.

Oh, that was a night. No, no, I don't remember.

Oh,

come on, Ernie.

There was me, Rosie Albright, you and, uh, what's your name?

Doris. Yeah, Doris, yeah, with skinny legs, bit prim and proper. Face like

vinegar.

I wonder what happened to her.

It's my wife.

Oh, yeah, well, she's very nice.

Now, look, this Rosie Albright, now, her son turned up. He claims that George is

his father.

Bill, his name is Bill.

Handsome lad. He does not remember what happened that night.

No, he doesn't. He says he was drunk.

I mean, do you remember what happened that night?

Well, I do remember one thing.

What? Excuse me.

He was drunk.

I remember we all went back to Rosie's place and Doris and I, we had a cup of

tea and a Fig Newton.

Well, George and Rosie, they... I did not see anything of an immoral nature.

You didn't? No. You both shut the bedroom door behind me.

Well, you see, Doris, she didn't approve of that sort of thing.

Still doesn't, as a matter of fact.

So we left.

George, what have you done?

Oh, one more thing.

As we left, I remember the church bells started ringing.

Yeah, well, that seems pretty conclusive, wouldn't you say?

Mm. Mildred?

George, I can't read a book with you chattering.

Well, you can't read it upside down anyway.

Something's upset you, isn't it?

Just a little, yes.

Is it because I wouldn't eat your Aussie bucco?

You have a 33 -year -old son.

Oh, that.

I have nothing.

Yes, you have.

You've got your little dog. He liked your Aussie booter.

It's what I've always wanted.

A child.

Yeah.

It's funny how life goes, isn't it? I've always wanted a pair of roller skates.

And now it's too late.

Oh, yeah, it is. I haven't got the balance anymore.

George, invite him round.

You know, I want to meet him properly.

Oh, yeah, right. I'll do that.

Not now.

Called him what?

An arrogant little twerp. It has a sort of ring to it, don't you think?

That's not fair.

But it's true.

Yes, but it's not fair. He was only doing his job. All right, he's a

professional arrogant little twerp.

Well, I think an apology is in order. I agree, but he'll never give me one.

Good evening, sir.

Half a bitter and a bottle of sherry, please.

In the same glass?

No, no, no.

No, the sherry's been taken home.

Best special occasion tonight.

Good evening.

We're neighbours, Geoffrey. I have to get along with them as well.

All right, I withdraw the little. He's medium -sized.

Just for my sake. I'm not asking you to apologise. Just say you're sorry.

Well... Evening.

Special occasion tonight.

Mr Roper, I have something to say to you.

I... I'm sorry you're an arrogant little twerp.

Apology accepted.

Hey, I've got my son coming round for dinner.

Oh, good.

Your son?

Oh, what have you bought?

Oh, a Montelado.

Oh, yes, they always make a very nice sherry.

It's quite a lot, you know, him growing up without me knowing.

Yes. 16 years child allowance for kick -off.

Yes.

Well, speaking as his stepmother... You what?

Oh, yeah, I suppose you are in a sort of way.

Not your flesh and blood, of course.

No, George. No, not the same thing at all.

Nothing to do with you, in fact.

Oh, sorry, you were saying?

No, nothing.

Now, Mildred, I don't want you letting me down.

Say hello nicely and be pleasant.

Come in, this way.

That's right, down here.

Come and sit down and make yourself at home.

This is my wife, Mrs Roper.

Hello. Hello.

I'm sure this must have been a bit of a shock to you.

Me, I mean, turning up like I did. Well, yes, in a way, you know. Oh, not so

much you being his son, but him being your father.

Yeah, right.

Sherries? Yeah, I've got a nice amount of lard and lard and lard over here.

Right, well, sit down, son.

Oh, son.

Son.

Well, now.

Tell me all about yourself.

What have you been up to?

Since when?

Since you were born.

There we are.

That's it.

Now then.

What have you been up to then?

Well, after I was born, I went to school.

Thank you, Ted. Thanks, Ted.

Then I left school and became a plumber.

Fascinating.

What about yourself, then? Oh, we got married about 25 years ago, you know.

um... Not a lot has happened since then.

No. You were never married?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, about a couple of years ago. Jenny.

Oh, I've got a daughter -in -law, eh? And we've got a little nipper, Amanda.

I'm a granddad.

It's a ghastly thought, Anne. A second generation of ropers.

Well, not all children grow up like their fathers. Oh, yes, they do.

Oh, no, they don't. Oh, he's a great man.

His son will probably have another son and so on and so on. The streets will be

thick with them sticking tickets on people's cars.

You're quite handsome when you're paranoid.

It must have been a bit of a shock, though. I mean, imagine you're in a pub

a perfect stranger comes up to you and says he's your son.

Excuse me, Dad.

Dad?

I just want to get a drink from the bar, that's all.

Ah.

Ah, yeah.

Those were the good old days.

Oh, it's hot.

Of course, you wouldn't remember the war.

No.

Very nice meal, Mrs Roper. Oh, thank you.

Yeah, there used to be an air raid shelter in Lasker Street.

Well, that's where I first met your mother. Oh, really?

Well, not so much met. I saw her name and phone number on the wall.

George, do you have a photograph of my step -granddaughter?

Not on me, no.

I've been thinking about that. I'm not so sure about Amanda.

I think Georgina would be a better name.

Anyway, let's get back to the war.

I've still got my ration book. That'll interest you.

Well, actually, I ought to be going. I always like to tuck her in last night.

Oh, well, I do hope we see you again.

Again?

Oh, yeah, yeah, bound to, bound to.

I'll say cheerio.

I've got a bit of shrapnel here, too, somewhere.

Now is a very good time to leave before he starts doing his impressions. You

know, thump, and Colonel Chinstrap. Oh?

Oh, never mind, love. Come on.

Here we are. Look, see?

Got nasty markings on it.

Worth a few marbles, that.

Oh, good. Hey, look. Tommy Hanley. Oh, it's that man again.

It's that man again.

I don't mind if I do.

If it won't begin.

Did I do you now, sir?

Don't forget the door, sir. Don't forget the door.

Oh, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

Well,

he won't be calling again, but that's for sure. What?

He's gone.

Oh, cheerio, son.

Yeah, he was a nice lad, wasn't he? I think he could have done without the

information that his mother used to be known as Nosy Rosie.

Well, I thought it'd give him a little laugh.

And all your war stories.

Never have so few been bored by so many.

Hey, look.

He's left his lighter.

Oh, don't leave it, Miltred. What?

Yeah, I'll take it round tomorrow.

Be a chance to see the nipper.

Yes?

I'd like to have a word with Bill Albright, please.

Oh, I'm afraid he's out.

He should be back soon, ma 'am.

My name's Roper. George Roper.

I expect he's mentioned me.

Are you the man with the sewage backflow problem?

Would you like

a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Oh, baby, eh?

Yeah.

How about that, then?

Amanda. Oh, you're Amanda, yeah.

Oh, well, you sit down. I'll put the kettle on. All right, thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh, yeah.

It's nice, isn't it? Here, I've got something else for you. Look.

There you are.

Isn't that nice, eh?

Here.

I'm your granddad.

Here,

listen. We can play together, can't we?

Kick the can, knock down ginger.

Here. I'll teach you to play darts.

Oh,

making friends, is she? She's good at that.

Yes, come on, Maddie. There's a good girl.

There we are.

It's time for her afternoon nap. Oh, I see. All right, well, bye -bye then.

Bye -bye.

Oh, hello, son.

Oh, hello.

You've been working, have you? Well, not exactly. I've just been up the

solicitors, tidying up my mum's papers and that.

Oh, yeah, it's a sad business, that, isn't it? Yeah.

The thing is, Mr Roper... Oh, come on. Please, Dad.

No.

What do you mean?

Well, according to this document, my mum was paid a tenner a week for the first

16 years of my life. Ten quid? Yeah, and that seems likely it was paid by me

dad. No, I didn't pay that.

Oh, no, you didn't.

He did.

I deny it flatly and emphatically.

You can't prove it. And even if I did, I didn't mean to... Oh, God, it's all

true.

Yeah, but I mean, well, you told me that... I know, I know what I told you,

but... You were with Doris that evening.

Yes, well, she left.

I mean, you know what she's like, prim and proper, face like vinegar.

I don't remember her leaving.

No, you were sleeping it off in the meter cupboard.

So, you and Rosie?

Well, we decided there was only one fitting manner in which to celebrate the

triumph of our gallant lads in Europe.

That makes you his father?

Yes. I would have married her, George, but by the time I found out,

Doris was in the same condition.

I'm not his father.

And she was more acceptable to the bank.

Yeah, but why didn't you tell me when I came round?

I panicked. I panicked. The board of directors, George, they don't approve of

fornication at branch level.

Yeah, but even so.

Well, you know now, and you must be quite relieved to know that it's... He's

yours. Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

This way, George.

I mean, what you've never had, you've never missed.

Oh, I'm not bothered, really.

It doesn't worry me.

Well, it doesn't worry me.

Well, there's no reason why it should. He wasn't your son. He wasn't yours,

either.

No.

It was quite nice, really, being a dad for a day or two.

Yes.

Mildred? Yeah? I was reading a paper the other day.

There's this woman in Russia who had a baby at the age of 56.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Mildred? Yeah?

Do you fancy an early night?

Not now, George.

I've got a headache.