Original subtitles

Isn't that pretty?

You've got wine glasses.

Yes, you've got side plates.

And fish knives and forks and soup spoons.

Quite a lot for our old dishwasher to handle.

Ah, there he is now.

Well, George, what do you think?

Huh? What?

The table. Isn't it nice?

Oh.

Well, they're a bit old for paper acts.

Those are napkins, George. Oh, George, we're going to be lardy dark, aren't we?

Dunking our after -eights in the port.

They're only neighbours, you know. They're not people. Now, you listen to

George. This is the first time I've invited the four miles round to dinner.

it isn't. You've asked them dozens of times. Yeah, well, it's the first time

they've accepted.

I want you to be on your best behaviour, George.

I mean, it's not much, but it'll have to do.

Well, fancy asking him tonight the incredible oaks on.

I like it when he goes all green and bursts his shirt.

You are not watching television.

It's a bit dark, really. You'd think he'd learn to whip his clothes off when

he's getting narced, wouldn't you?

We are having an evening of intelligent conversation.

On the other hand, if he did take his clothes off and didn't get narced,

probably arrest him.

Conversation, anyway.

And that'd get him narced and he'd go all green. Oh, George.

Will you please change the subject? Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry.

Wonder Woman's good. She whirls round and round and round when she's changing

her clothes.

How did you get on with the Social Security?

Oh, not very well.

You'd think she'd screw herself into the ground, wouldn't you?

What do you mean?

What do you mean, not very well?

Well, they got a bit gnarky with me, Mildred.

Well, they didn't go green or anything, but they said it's time I got a job.

What, you?

The original unemployment figure?

It's worse this time, Mildred.

They've actually fixed me up with an interview.

They'll fail you. No, you're just trying to cheer me up.

Honestly, George, you've failed every other interview.

Traffic warden?

It's too bad, Anne. There's a programme on tonight I wanted to see.

William Whitelaw being interviewed.

You see the one who turns a funny colour and bursts his shirt?

No, no.

That's Dennis Healy.

At nine o 'clock sharp, you get a headache and we leave, right?

Don't be like that. It's nice of them to invite us, Geoffrey.

I don't think you should go if you don't want to.

Did you hear that, Anne?

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.

It wasn't him. It was me.

Where do you want to go?

Mildred's a very pleasant woman.

But he isn't.

I mean, the man has no conversation, Anne. I wouldn't mind, but it doesn't

him talking.

You are going to be polite, aren't you?

My own sentiments, exactly.

Traffic warden. Well, you've been turned down for worse jobs.

I suppose being turned down for this one is a step in the right direction. Why?

They might not turn me down.

I've got all the qualifications.

What qualifications are needed?

None. Right, you've got them.

Now, George, I want you to make them welcome. Now, you understand?

Now, make them feel at home.

Yeah. Well, if they were at home, they'd probably have the telly on.

Oh, do come in.

Oh, no trouble with the babysitter? No, no. I'm afraid she arrived.

Sorry we're a little late. Oh, love, no. Come on, sit down.

Only, uh, he was a bit sick on my dress before we left. Oh.

Feeling all right now, are you?

Um,

Cherry? Oh, yeah, Tar.

How's, uh, how's little, uh, you know, what's his name?

Tarquin.

Very good name, that, isn't it?

He's fine. Oh, good, good.

How's the other one?

Trust him. No, he's fine.

Oh, good.

How are yourselves?

Anne and Geoffrey, we're fine.

How are you?

I'm fine.

Good.

We're missing the Incredible Hulk, you know.

Fine. He's getting his form prize for English.

What, in tonight's episode?

Christian!

Have you found someone to present the prizes yet? No, not yet.

Thank you.

You know, Mr Fourmile is chairman of the Teacher Parent Association.

Yeah, he would be.

What we really need is a celebrity.

Someone from sport or show business.

I've wondered about Russell Harty.

Yes, I've wondered about him as well.

I expect he's too busy.

I'll tell you who would be good. Lou Ferrigno.

Lou Ferrigno? Yes. He plays the Incredible Hulk. He's on now.

Well, if you'd excuse me, I'll just go and stir the gravy.

Yeah, well, that need both hands.

Here,

I'll tell you a sport and show business. Somebody else I'll tell you would be

good at, you know, handing out prizes.

Richard Burton.

Oh, yes, we just pick up the phone and ask him.

Well, I don't know if I've still got the telephone number, but I'll have a look.

What? Yeah, when do you want him for?

Well, in about five weeks.

You know Richard Burton? Yeah, we were at school together.

Done very well for himself, are you?

What? He'd be marvellous, but... I'm not making any promises, mind, but he might

do it just for me.

Good Lord.

Well, that's incredible.

Fancy Mr Roper knowing Richard Burton. Yes.

What?

There you met him, Mildred. Used car salesman from Acme.

He's the area dance champion. Quite a celebrity.

Don't think so, George.

Different one.

Yes.

How's your headache come along?

Send in the next applicant, will you please? It's a Miss... Miss Anderson.

Come in.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon. I...

You're not a miss.

No,

I'm married.

Yeah, Roper, George Roper.

Two o 'clock appointment.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I had a hell of a job parking. Bloody traffic wardens

working.

Yeah, they're like little windows, half of them.

Just doing their duty, of course.

Quite.

Roper.

Here we are.

Do sit down, Mr... Now, I have your application here.

Name, yes.

Height.

Hmm.

You've nothing against sex?

Not in moderation, no.

Male.

Previous employment.

You were a bus conductor for a year. That's right. How did you come to leave

that? I got kicked upstairs.

Promotion? No, a couple of yobbos. They wouldn't pay the... Yes, yes, yes.

Are you in good health? Oh, yeah, very nicely, thank you. Yourself?

Yes, very well, thank you.

And what attracts you to the life of a traffic warden, Mr Roper?

Well, it's the open air, you see.

And the money, of course.

All those six quid fines, they soon add up, don't they?

Yes.

Actually, you don't get those. The magistrate does. Oh.

Say no more.

Do you know the meaning of the yellow band round the hat?

It means you can't park on it.

It means that you are identifiable as a servant of the public.

Now, there are some members of the public...

who do look upon wardens as little Hitlers.

Shocking, shocking.

But this is not so.

We are there to help them.

To be sympathetic, cheerful, friendly and... Yes?

What?

Well, why bother me with... Have you

parked a motorbike on a zebra crossing?

Yeah?

Guess what?

Oh, you're looking pleased to yourself.

They trained you down? Yeah. No.

No, no, I've got it.

What? Yeah. Oh, it's a bit dicey at first, but they said, well, we've been

undermanned, you see, and after four weeks training, they could, um... What

the phrase they used? Something about silk purse.

Anyway... They're going to give me a chance.

You mean you've... You've actually got a... Brandy. Oh, yeah.

And you don't mind?

Well, no, not really. I mean, I've been thinking, you see. I mean, traffic

warners have got a lot of power, haven't they?

Anyone you don't like, zonk, sick quick pine.

Move along there or I'll have you.

Don't you argue with me or I'll clap you in irons.

Yes, I think you're going to need that four weeks training course, George.

then there's the glamour of the uniform.

Oh, gets women going, the uniform does. Well, a traffic warden's uniform gets

everyone going, George.

Look, darling, you're going to have to get used to being unpopular.

Oh, what can I say?

It won't make any difference at all.

Traffic warden? Yes.

Of course, it's not exactly what I had in mind, but, you know, at least you'll

be bringing a wage packet into the house.

They do still put wages in packets, don't they?

Oh, I think so.

Oh, it's been so long.

Well, hello, Mr Fourmile.

Yes, Anne.

Tarker into little damp again.

Oh, he's gaining on me.

Change him, will you, Geoffrey?

Me?

He is half your son.

Why do I get the damp half?

Has he found his celebrity yet, you know, for this school thing?

Sort of. He's persuaded the mayor to do it. Oh, how exciting.

Will he be wearing his clothes?

I don't know. Oh, you know, dear, his robes and his chain and all that.

I don't know.

You should come along and meet him. Bring Mr Roper.

Oh, I'd love to.

And I put him on it, and he did it again.

George, is that you?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

did he go today?

Oh, all right, all right.

I've got me full watch name.

George!

Oh, George, you look, oh, you look almost handsome.

Steady on, Mildred. I know what a uniform does to you. I don't want it

Give us a twirl. Oh, no, that'd be silly.

Go on.

It's good, isn't it?

I feel a bit like Wonder Woman.

You've even got a little handbag as well.

Handbag? Well,

what did they teach you today?

Oh, a lot of legal stuff. You wouldn't understand it. Well, I might.

I doubt it. I didn't.

I've got my first pay packet today.

Of course, it's not full wages, you see. Not while I'm training.

Oh, well, it's... a start.

Yeah, and a couple of weeks' time, there'll be overtime and that sort of

see? Oh, that'll be nice.

Mildred, we're going to have to decide how we're going to divide this.

Oh, no problem, George.

It was very kind of you to offer me a little window of all mile.

Yes. Well, we can't have a friendly neighbourhood traffic warden for getting

sandwiches, can we?

It was the excitement.

Oh, it's his first day.

I'm sure he'll be very good at it.

Don't you argue with me.

I'm telling you, you can't park there. Now, shift it.

Cheeky beggar.

Deborah. George.

Hello, Mildred.

You've got your sandwiches, dear.

They're your favourites.

Mushy peas and sausage.

Mr. Bournemile gave me a lift.

Oh. Very kind of you.

Right, now, move along. You're on the double yellow line. Come on.

Sat on the mat.

Three -letter word beginning with C.

Very tricky, that, isn't it?

Oh, of course, cow.

George?

What do you think?

What are you dressed up like a dog's dinner for?

I'm trying on my outfit, George. You know, for the prize -giving this

for Tristram School.

You know who's going to be there.

I know who isn't going to be there. You're coming.

A lot of influential people there, George.

The mayor.

I only get one half day off, Mildred.

There'll be people there that will drop a word in the right ear.

Yeah, well, that's where I'll be. What? Right ear.

You will come home. You will change into your best suit and you will meet me at

two o 'clock at the school.

George,

do you think I ought to wear my little fur stole?

Oh, core cat.

Tristram, see if it's in your satchel.

Are you ready, Geoffrey? Almost.

And did you have to invite the Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman?

Well, it's a chance for them to meet people and make friends. Or enemies.

Now, let's face it, Anne, they are not our sort of... How nice to see you, Mrs

Roper.

Yes. Oh, I am looking forward to it. Oh, Mr Roper not coming?

Oh, he'll be along later. He's working this morning.

Ah. Now, look, tell me, what do you call a mare?

I mean, do you say, sir, or do you say your worship?

Well, Geoffrey calls him snotty.

But I don't think you should. You didn't go to school with him. No.

No, no, I didn't, no. Quite.

I'll bring the car round.

Now, relax, Mildred. There's no need to be nervous.

Well, what makes you think I'm nervous?

Well, you've got both earrings on the same here.

Hello, so glad you could come, Mrs. Hamilton -Jones.

Charles, come and meet the maids.

Worship the maids, Mrs. Hamilton -Jones and Mrs. Charles.

Yes, that's the headmaster. Oh, yes, I should be careful of him. He gets hold

your ear.

Oh, I'll watch out for that, dear.

That's the headmaster.

Ah, four -mile Jane.

Lax application, yes?

Yes, sir.

Stink bomb in the lavatory, hmm?

That was a long time ago, sir.

You know my wife.

Hello. Proper little tinker you've got there.

Uh, which one?

Ah, four -mile T, upper five A.

Could do better.

That's him.

Good. Cut along, boy. Take your place.

I think I'll go and have a word with Snoddy.

Oh, this is Mrs Roper.

Roper, hmm.

Do you have a little monster here?

He'll be along later.

Yes, he's working.

Good. Would you like to see the man?

Ah, crombe fitiem.

Must try harder, yes?

And you know my wife, Anne, of course? Of course. Hello, Trevor. Hello again.

Oh, and this is our next -door neighbour, Mrs Roper, the mayor.

How do you do, Your Worship?

John. My husband will be along any minute. Oh, he'd love to meet you.

Is he in local government?

Yes, he's a... He's a vehicle flow coordinator.

Really? That sounds very impressive.

Yes.

You're not even trained.

Yeah, I know, but you see, what happened was... Get in there.

George,

what happened? You're all dusty.

Yeah, well, it's this builder's lorry, Mildred.

Yeah, well, there you are.

Terrible trouble I was. Yeah, well, take your jacket off. Come on.

Well, I was writing out a ticket, you see, for the driver when his mate

up behind me and shoved a cement bag over my head.

reason for you to go home and get changed.

Oh, I couldn't. I forgot my key.

Oh, really? I mean, look at this. It's immense.

Yeah, well, if it wasn't raining on my way here, I never made it.

Get your trousers off.

Oh, don't start there.

I wouldn't give them a good shake -out.

Well... Come on. I want to go home.

Yes. Yes, well, perhaps that would be the best. What?

Well, I can't introduce you to important people looking like that. Oh.

I see.

I'm not good enough for your fancy friends, is that it?

I think that sums it up, yes, go on. Certainly not.

George, there's not often I ask you to do something for me, but if... I'm not

interrupting anything, am I? What? Oh, no!

No, love, no. Only we're going into the hall.

I'll be right along.

Yes, so will I.

I would like to conclude by asking the headmaster to grant all the boys an

half day's holiday.

That was you, wasn't it?

Right in the middle of the mayor's speech.

It wasn't me. It was them leather cushions.

Now, George, you just behave yourself.

If you want to speak to anyone, don't say anything.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Excellent speech, headmaster.

Of course, my Latin is not what it was.

I should hope not. It used to be terrible.

Amor, amas, amat. What comes next?

He could never decline to love.

He hasn't changed much, then.

Excuse me.

Oh, headmaster.

Oh, I did so enjoy your speech.

Oh, this is Ed, what's his name, is it?

Especially that little bit in Italian.

Roper, George Roper. How do you do?

I don't go along with private education.

Oh, my God.

George... I mean, all that Latin rubbish. I mean, who speaks Latin apart

the ancient Greeks?

Yeah,

well, there is that, of course.

I mean, they could all be doing woodwork, couldn't they?

Mrs Roper.

Oh, Your Worship, oh, I did... So enjoy your speech.

Thank you.

Oh, you're the mayor, eh? Roper, George Roper.

What about our dustbins?

Take your time.

Well, you didn't collect them last week, did you?

I don't do it personally.

It's your lot, though, isn't it? Oh, George, for pity's sake. Oh, I'm sorry.

He's not himself. He had a cement bag pulled over his head.

I'm not surprised.

All the dog doings in our road, you're responsible for them too, aren't you?

Ah, yeah, and another thing. Only having boys here. I mean, that's liable to

turn them all into raging... Adjutant!

Look, here is my key.

Now, go home. I want to discuss religion with the vicar. Go home!

Do you know that fellow?

Good heavens, no.

No, ah, Tristram.

See my book, What I Won For English?

He had to go, but I'm still here.

Yes. We can't stay too long, Anne.

It's such a pleasure to actually meet you in person.

What are you doing?

This is Mr. Formire's car.

It's gone 4 .30.

Can't park here after 4 .30.

Now listen to me. Just a minute.

There we are.

Any chance of a lift down, son?