Original subtitles

Thank you.

It is essential that spark plugs are kept fully inflated at the correct

pressure.

Fully inflated at the correct... Well,

that can't be right.

Ah,

clean and adjusted.

Yeah, well, that's better.

Carburetta. Carburetta.

Carburetta?

No.

Oh,

those bastards.

What are you doing?

I'm stripping down the motorbike, Mildred.

On my best lace tablecloth?

Yeah, well, I didn't want to scratch the plastic top.

What's wrong with using newspaper?

Well, I haven't finished reading it yet.

Oh, look, George, it's ruined.

It was a wedding present from my mother.

Well, I didn't mean to.

Don't upset yourself.

Oh, look, there, there, there.

And it belonged to her mother before her.

Oh, well, as long as it wasn't you.

Oh, you fool.

I mean, just look at my kitchen.

It looks as if an oil slick had hit it.

Right, George.

I give in.

I mean, I have tried to keep a knife out.

But you prefer a meth. Right, I'll join you.

I can make a meth too.

Right. But that's childish.

No, no. Oh, George.

I'm beginning to enjoy it, yes. That is stupid.

Oh, come on, join us. Come on, you try it. Oh, you would, so I know, wouldn't

you?

Now, clear that mess from off my table, please. I can't, Mildred. It's all laid

out in order. If I move things, I won't know where to put them.

I could advise you.

Yeah, well, at any rate, Mildred, I'll clean up just as soon as I've finished.

Really, George?

I mean, fancy tripping it down and laying it out on the kitchen table. It's

thoroughbred, Mildred, and needs a bit of cosseting.

Well, so do I, but you've never laid... Yeah,

well, anyway, it made a sort of rattling sound every time I rode it. Rattle,

rattle, rattle it went. Yes, well, that's your head, George.

Your crash helmet's too big for it.

Right.

I wouldn't mind, George, but, I mean, you don't even know what you're doing.

Yes, I do.

Oh.

Grab it.

The last... time you forgot to put the saddle on.

There's still a dent on the garage roof.

Come on, move.

Now, I'm going to take all this shopping round to Anne's. And while I'm away,

you can pick up the sugar lumps.

Are you sure you wouldn't like the tracks and sandwiches?

No, no, I'll find a restaurant on the motorway.

I'm taking Egon Roney's Beggar Can't Be Choosed as guide.

You will be all right on your own. Well, you'll be home this evening.

And I promise I'll write.

What happens if you start?

If I start, they'll hear me in Birmingham.

It's not due till Saturday.

I'm playing golf on Saturday.

Have to cancel it. I can't, Geoffrey.

No, the golf.

No, I want to be present at the birth.

Are you still sure about that?

Yes.

We should both be present.

I haven't got much choice.

You're not doing this out of a sense of duty?

Of course not.

Well, you didn't enjoy it when Tristram was born.

You'd never have got through it if I hadn't been there to hold your hand.

And I've started this. I want to be there at the finish.

Right? Oh, what a wait. I've got to carry it around all day.

You're getting no sympathy from me.

Oh, look, just in case anything does happen, I've written down the phone

of the hospital, the police and the fire brigade. I'm not going to burst into

flames, Geoffrey.

You know who that'll be? It'll be Mother Hen again.

I've got your eggs for you, dear.

And the rest of the shopping. Oh, thanks. No, no, no. I'll take them

They're very heavy.

Hello. Hello.

Bye.

Drive carefully.

Oh, and I've got him some bicky pegs for his teeth.

I know it's a bit early, but there was five pence off. Oh, yes.

You shouldn't have, Mildred.

Oh, well.

I'm not likely to have one of me own, dear, and, well, we've tried and tried

tried again.

Oh, well.

I've tried a fourth time, only George got fed up.

Oh, and, um, I've got a little leaflet here for you.

It's about, um, it's about a new milk formula.

Ah. Well, I'll be feeding him myself.

Oh, well, yes, but, I mean, I thought... Oh, you mean with your...

Yes, well, I'll keep George away.

It's as natural as walking.

Left, right, left, right.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, dear, I got the baby a little present the other day. Oh,

Mildred. Oh, it's nothing. It's just a little rattle.

I left it in the saddlebag on George's motorbike.

A rattle?

Nothing, dear, but I think I ought to get home quite soon.

Now, look, you're sure I can't help you any more? I mean, has Tristan had his

lunch? Well, he's out in the back garden playing cricket.

Oh, whoops!

Oh, dear.

Or possibly football.

Oh, come here, stupid.

Stupid grommet.

Come on in, love, that's it.

coming in front of us because Anne's putting her feet up. Oh, yeah.

I have a question, Mildred. Yeah?

Does this ring a bell?

No, George.

It rattles.

I've taken a bite of pieces for nothing.

Well, it was coming to pieces anyway.

Well, stupid waiters' time.

What are you doing now?

What? Oh, uh, I'm doing a bit of fine -tuning.

What will my little man like for lunch?

A couple of bacon doorsteps.

I am not interested in your disgusting taste. I'm asking Tristram.

I'll have a couple of bacon doorsteps, please.

I'll cut the crusts off.

Ow!

The last thing won't fit.

I don't think it's supposed to go in there.

What?

please. Oh, yes, right.

So, this will go there.

Oh, yes, I don't think we've got too many problems here.

Any idea what your little brother or sister is going to be named?

A day.

Pardon? My mum says when she's had this one, she's going to call it a day.

to the multi -coloured swap shop.

Oh, definitely, yes.

Running sweet as a nut, she is.

I reckon I did a good job of work there. Yeah, with a little help from our

friends.

They don't make motorbikes like that anymore.

No, it's against the law.

They're all Japanese these days with slanty headlamps.

Give me the good old British Norton or BSA 500cc.

Oh, you knew you had something between your legs then.

Saved by the bell.

Hello?

Oh, hello, love.

Yeah, yeah, he's just finishing his lunch.

What? Oh, right here. Yes, I'll be round in a sec. Bye.

George, George, I'm just popping next door.

Oh,

whoops. Mustn't forget this.

I reckon she spends more time round your place than she does here.

That's what my dad says.

Oh, well, that's another one.

Oh, that's every ten minutes.

Should I go and boil some hot water or something?

Well, not unless you want a cup of tea.

It won't take ages yet.

Should I phone Mr. Formile?

Well, he's in Birmingham somewhere on business.

Oh, so there's just me here?

Just me?

Relax, Mildred.

Well, there must be somebody I could phone.

Brigade. Right. No, no, no. But you could let the hospital know I'm coming

Oh, right. What's the number?

It's on the hall stand.

Oh, right, dear. Yes. Yes, I'll do that.

Right.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Yes?

Oh, he wants a bit of cake, Mildred, and we haven't got any.

Cake? Oh.

Yes.

Yes, dear. Come on in. We'll see what we can find.

Where's my mum?

She's upstairs, dear.

Is he having another one?

Another what?

Lie down.

Oh.

I wouldn't mind a bit of cake, Mildred.

Stay there.

Help yourself. Take all you like.

Thanks. Why can't I have a bit of cake? If he can have a bit of cake, why can't

I have a bit of cake? Be quiet. Be quiet.

Sit down.

Anne is upstairs having the baby. Oh, my God. No, that's it.

George,

it is up to you and I to help her.

If necessary, we'll deliver it.

Right.

I know nothing about delivering babies, Mildred.

Anyway, I was going to watch Rainbow on telly.

I need you here, George. Now, phone the hospital and tell them she's coming in.

Mildred! Mildred, I'm no good at this sort of thing. Just dial the number,

George. Get your finger in.

Reception, may I help you? Yeah, yeah, he's starting.

What has?

Well, the what's -name? The baby.

Oh, I see.

May I have a name, please?

Well, I don't think they've decided on it yet.

So, your name?

Oh, my name? Yeah, it's Roper, George Roper. Oh, I see.

I assume your wife is booked in.

Oh, hang on, I don't know.

Mildred! What?

Are you booked in?

Not me, you fool, I am.

She's booked in for Saturday.

Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, she's booked in for Saturday. In the name of Anne.

Well, four mile.

Oh, yeah, one minute.

How often are the constructions coming?

Every ten minutes.

About ten a minute.

Every ten minutes, yeah.

Oh, that's fine. You'd better bring her in. Oh, yeah, right.

You did. You had to bring her in right away. I'm just off to watch Rainbow.

There's no panic, Mildred.

When Tristram came, he took ages.

Yes, I know, but this is your second.

I mean, it might know the way or something.

It won't fasten, Mildred. No, it won't, dear.

Have you got a minicab organised?

Oh, well, George is doing that downstairs, but I'll check for you,

Come on, come on. Oh, hello.

Hello, have you got a minicab?

What? No, that's what I'm ringing you for.

Mildred? Yeah?

What are you doing at Hampton Wick minicabs?

Have you got a minicab yet?

Oh, no, not just yet.

Oh, keep trying.

He's trying, love.

Sit down, dear.

That's it. Oh,

love.

I've got a bag packed. Yes, well, that's very wise, dear.

Oh, action man.

Tristram thought he'd keep me company. How sweet.

Oh, you mustn't forget this.

Excuse me.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I've phoned all the local companies. George.

And we can't get a cab for about an hour or more.

Oh, dear.

An hour?

There's only one thing for it. You're going to have to drive Anne in.

But Geoffrey's got the car.

Well, I wasn't thinking about the car, dear.

I thought so.

Are you any good at mending punches?

Mr Rake, the gardener.

Doesn't it hurt having a baby?

No, love, no.

Well, perhaps just a little bit, you know.

Is it worse than scraping your knee at football?

It's very similar, yes.

Have you got Mrs Bunn, the baker's oven...

Where's Anne?

She's having the baby.

What?

It's no worse than scraping your knee at football.

Did she manage to get a cab to the hospital? No, George has taken her in

motorbike. Ah, what?

All right, what's the story?

Is there a fire? Is the wife having a baby?

Or are we Barry Sheen?

Oh, no.

I meant the poacher, see?

Yeah, yeah, baby, see?

What?

Ed, um, follow me.

Right.

Right, here we are.

Have you any idea how long you've been?

Shall I hang around a bit, you see, and take you back?

I don't think so.

Mrs. Formile. Oh, yes.

Maternity, isn't it?

You don't miss much.

Mrs. Formile, sister.

Yes, nurse.

Nurse. Nurse. Mrs.

Formile, ward two.

Well, thank you very much.

Wish me luck.

Oh, yeah, good luck.

Would you like to go and sit down? I'll get you a cup of tea.

Oh, right, sure.

Well, I've got to get back.

Hey, looking at the husband, you wouldn't think you had it in him, would

What's the story? I'm having a baby.

My wife. My wife's having a baby. There's a lot of it about.

Shouldn't you brought her with you, sir?

I'm afraid there's no smoking.

Oh. Oh, yeah, right.

Actually, actually,

while I'm here, I wonder if you care to look at my knee.

No, no, no, no.

It doesn't bend the way it should.

Which way does it bend?

Well, you see, it gets stiff in the cold weather.

Yes,

yes, she's in delivery now.

Oh, I see the husband wants to be present at the birth. Well, let's have

We'll miss the big moment.

Yes,

see, it's all over the world. It swells up like a balloon, see?

Especially... Oh, here, that was a very good cup of tea.

Any chance of another one? Will you come along with me? Yeah, right.

Do you know anything about knees?

Not really. I'm in maternity.

It's not pregnant, is it? Well, no.

You can roll your trouser leg down now. You're not joining the mason.

What's this for exactly?

Hygiene. Hygiene? Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, well, you can't be too careful, can you?

Any chance of a piece of cake?

Maybe later.

Now, you are quite sure about this. It's not too late to change your mind, you

know. Oh, well, perhaps a sausage roll.

How am I going to drink my tea through this? Follow me.

Such thing as carrying hygiene too far, you know.

Yeah, but all this time you've not got... Nurse!

Oh, my God.

Excuse me. Jeffrey Formile. Pardon?

And Mrs Formile's husband.

Oh, yes.

Can't see him anywhere.

You can. You're looking at him.

But you're nothing like him. I am.

Where is my wife?

Darling, how are you, darling?

Where is my wife?

It's a boy. They're both fine.

Congratulations.

Oh, come.

He's a lovely little four -mile.

Got my nose.

My chin.

Oh, don't worry. They shouldn't grow out of it.

He's an absolute... Hop it.

When's Anne going to bring him in? In a minute. She's just feeding him in the

kitchen. Oh, good. I'll go and say hello.

George? Oh, yeah. No, that's not... My one regret is that I wasn't present at

the birth.

Oh, you didn't miss much, believe me.

There she was, legs... Yes, yes.

Thank you, George.

Have you thought of a name for him? One or two, yes.

Oh, the baby. Yes, sir. Oh, we were thinking of Tarquin or Peregrine.

Well...

Sherry went down the wrong way.

Oh, there he is.

Oh, Anne. Kevin, you should see what Mum's been doing.

Can't we afford to buy real food?

Oh, isn't he sweet?

A bit like a prune.

I was just paying, darling.

Tarquin or...

Oh, I've had a thought about that, Geoffrey. You know how helpful Mr

been. Well, I mean, if it hadn't been for him, how do you feel about calling

George?