Original subtitles

Sex change scout mistress tells her trampoline orgies were swinging bigger.

See page five.

Oh, right.

Page five.

George, I've just finished this little matter. Mildred, why are you done with

page five?

I've just cut out an item, George.

Something I thought we could both do together during the long winter evening.

Oh, no, no, not with my back.

George, how to make a patchwork quilt.

Oh, that. Oh, yeah.

Can I have a look at the other side, Mildred? Yes, of course you can.

Why?

Why?

Boing, boing.

Disgusting.

I'd like to have a look to that patchwork quilt.

Oh, yes.

Are you going to sit around in your pyjamas all day, George?

Why not? It's Sunday.

Six days out of our labour. On the 7th, I shall sit around in my pyjamas.

William Shakespeare.

You do not labour, George. You live on the dole.

Haven't you any pride?

No, I don't work. I'll get almost as much as I would if I did. I'm pretty

of that.

You're supposed to be the breadwinner, George.

You couldn't win a carrot bun.

I'm your husband and I demand a bit of respect.

Well, it's worth a try.

I will respect you, George, the day you get a job. Will you?

Well... Yeah, well, these days you need to be skilled, or semi -skilled, or

unskilled. And then there's you.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, it's not my fault if I'm caught in the poverty trampoline.

I'm in the poverty trap.

Nice patchwork quilt, that.

Get dressed.

I seem to have a bit of Batman's face here.

Oh? So what is Batman doing in a painting by Canaletta?

Fighting crime.

Perhaps my puzzles got mixed up.

Possibly, yes.

Don't do that, darling, I'll do it.

Mustn't lift heavy weights.

That's no way to talk about my Yorkshire pudding.

And can we have the table clear, please?

All right.

You must take things easy, darling. Don't spend so much time on your feet.

Oh, my feet don't bother me.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Oh, excuse me. Oh, come in, Mildred.

Oh, you're not in the middle of eating lunch or anything, are you? No, not yet.

I've got something in the oven.

I've just popped in to give you this.

It's a matinee coat for the little one.

Oh.

Oh, isn't it nice?

Very nice.

Oh, it's just the right size, too.

Is this in the lounge?

No, not here.

Come on.

Excuse me, I've just got to fish Batman out of the Grand Canal.

Do sit down, Mildred. Oh, thank you, love.

How are things?

Oh, fine, fine.

No.

George... still hasn't found a position to feud him.

Well, it's not easy these days.

Oh, well.

Of course, his age is against him, you see, love, and his face and his manner

and his... Oh, God.

We've just been to pick up the roll.

Yeah, well, we've eaten already.

I was referring to the car.

I'm afraid we've taken up several parking spaces.

Yeah, well, I suppose you'd better come in.

Look, don't go on about it, Ethel. You know they haven't got two Krugerrands to

rub together.

Mildred's not here. She's in next door. Spends most of her time round there

nowadays. I'm not surprised.

Can I hang up your coat, love? No, not yet.

our cabinets open then, eh, George?

What? Oh, yes.

I told you you should have let me bring me home.

That sounds like Mildred now.

Oh, I'd love to.

Oh, Ethel. Oh, what a surprise.

We were passing.

We've just been to pick up... Leave it, Ethel.

How are you then, Mildred? Oh, fine. It's lovely to see you.

Drinks, George?

What? Drinks.

Oh, that's how it's done.

What do you fancy, then?

I'll have a tequila sunrise.

I drank nothing else when I was in Barbados last month.

Oh, yes?

Well, it must have been very hot if you were wearing that thing.

You've noticed.

Can I hang it up now, dear? Not yet.

It's sable.

Oh, really?

George had a paintbrush like that once.

Tequila, tequila. No, no, George, we're out of it.

Well, you know, it is on order, but you know what the deliveries are like these

days. Yeah, well, we've run out of everything else and all.

Oh, don't worry, dear, if we get really thirsty, we've got some in the rolls.

Listen, we really came round to invite you two to dinner next Friday.

To see the new house.

Oh! Yes, we do owe you. And I thought I'd get it in before the start of the

social season.

Right. Uh, Friday, did you say? Oh, I just have to look it up, dear.

Now, let me see.

Um, uh... Uh, Friday.

Oh, oh, it's a bit tricky, dear.

Yeah. No, never mind, I'll cancel a few things.

Right, Friday it is.

Oh, that's settled.

Well, you two fixed up your holidays this year yet? No, dear, no, not yet.

we thought we would spend the year at home. You know, we enjoy it. Well, you

must do. You spent last year at home as well, didn't you?

And the year before.

Now, listen, Ethel, you may not notice, but we cannot afford some of the things

you can afford. Look, George... No, let me speak.

Our circumstances may be humble. Yes.

Money is not everything.

I don't quite follow that, Humphrey.

He means he's still on the dole.

You haven't found a position that's suitable, then, George?

Oh, yes, yes, we've had quite a few offers, but they all involve work.

George, how would you like to come into the business with me?

What?

There'd be no complaint.

Am I to take that as some sort of compliment?

It's delicious, Anne.

Just remove your spinach.

You have not. It's hidden behind that roast potato.

Well, there's more of it now than there was when I started.

Well, then.

Put a lump of gravy on it, then you won't taste it.

Slip of the tongue.

Peace? Peace.

The most delicious is that spinach rots your socks.

He what?

Tristram, if you finish, go and clean your teeth.

All right.

I wish I could take them out like Mr Roper can.

Teeth.

Speaking of Mr Roper... I wasn't.

He's having a hard time finding work.

Well, he's unemployed, isn't he? Who's going to give a job to a person like

that?

Well, couldn't you find him something in your firm?

Now, I don't know what sort of job Humphrey has in mind for you, George.

But I want you to take it.

Oh, I know nothing about wholesale awful.

Well, you'll soon pick it up. Yeah, I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

Probably some sort of white -collar position.

I mean, they don't put tripe in their in -trays.

Well, he didn't actually promise me a job. Just said he'd see what he could

Might all come to nothing.

You are deliberately going to fail this interview, aren't you, George? No, I

should just behave naturally.

Well, that'll do it.

won't be a few moments.

Oh, right.

What's he like to work for?

Oh, Everson, aye.

Flowers on your birthday, a box of chocolates.

Sometimes he takes you out for a meal, or to see a show.

Oh, I look forward to that.

You're his secretary, are you? Well, I'm one of them.

He's got another one that does the typing and the short end and the filing

that.

What do you do, then?

show people into the office.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah, right.

Send in Lord

Muck.

Well, he sounds a weird one.

Acme Travel Agency, Mr and Mrs Pomfrey, First Class of Jersey.

God, what a jammy beggar.

Tripe and the European Economic Community.

is a Pomfrey's pure black pudding.

Now then, can you do that with it?

Now, do you mind?

I've got 20 men in the packing department doing that all day long.

Now, what I want is a worker. Oh, well, I'll go then. Sit down. Sit down.

Listen, I'm only doing this because you're family.

Now then, there is one other vacancy I can offer you.

It's in the sorting department.

You'll be separating liver, light, kidneys, brains, heart, and intestines.

Oh, my God.

The thing is, Humphrey, I do very well on the Social Security, see?

Well, I mean, I can't afford your fancy cars or even your luxury trips to, you

know, Jersey at the weekend.

Well, you and Ethel, I mean, you just got back from Barbados and now you're

to Jersey. Well, I mean, I can't afford that, of course.

That was private, George.

Well, no doubt we heard all about it on Friday from Ethel.

Uh, no, you wouldn't.

And, uh, as a matter of fact, I would, uh... Appreciate it if you didn't

it either.

Well, she must know she's going.

No, she doesn't.

Because she isn't.

If you must know, I am taking my secretary.

Well, I mean, it's purely business, of course, you know, but Ethel wouldn't

believe it.

Well, I don't see why not. I believe it.

Oh, if only I'd married you, George.

Gee, I made one for you too, Hump.

Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Cooper.

Just purely business, eh?

Yeah, well... I won't mention it on Friday, of course.

Oh, that's a good lad.

On one condition.

Well? What happened?

He withdrew his offer of a job, Mildred.

He what?

Yeah, he changed his mind, said there was no vacancy.

I was bitterly disappointed.

I see.

I shall have a few words to say to him on Friday.

That's right, you give him help. Yes, I will.

Oh, by the way, I brought you back a little present.

Oh, what a filthy day.

Oh, is it raining?

No, I went for a quick stroll through the car wash.

Could you have a good day, otherwise?

Rust on my feet.

I never want to see another semi -debt 4B2 reset fitted kit again.

Who'd be an estate agent?

You're understaffed. Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't start that again.

You need staff and Mr Roper needs a job.

Anne, he has no experience, no references, no qualifications, no charm,

personality. He's a scruffy dresser. He can't speak properly.

He is lazy, shiftless, unpunctual, unemployable. He scratches himself and

his nose.

You don't like him, do you?

I never said that. I can read between the lines. Is that your final word? Yes.

Is it yours?

No. Oh, dear.

They don't.

They certainly don't.

That is a heap of old rubbish.

Mrs.

and Mr. Roper, we are expected.

Ah, bueno. Come on, please.

It is a bit wet here, isn't it?

It's rain.

La Luvia.

Is it? Oh.

That's nice, isn't it, George? If you want them back, I will be hanging in the

cupboard.

To come out.

To me.

To you?

Si, si. To come out.

They have landed.

Love, love, love.

See you.

And George.

Yeah, I thought you'd never ask. I have a brown ale.

And Mildred must have a tequila sunrise.

Oh, lovely.

Oh, right. Right,

coming up.

Oh, help yourself to the bits and pieces.

Build up your strength for the walk to the dining room.

Now, there's the smoked salmon and caviar.

I'll have the blackberry jam.

That is caviar.

A new chair.

Well, it was new when Louis XIV bought it.

Humphrey likes one or two old things about the house. Yes.

Well, none of us getting any younger, dear.

Well, there we are, then.

Tequila sunrise.

Brown ale.

Am I pressing yours up, love? No, thanks. I think I'll go and change.

You've already changed.

That was for afternoon tea. Now I'm going to change for dinner.

Excuse me.

She could do with revolving doors on her wardrobe.

George was ever so disappointed.

Disappointed when you didn't offer him the job.

Oh, yes, well, there was a reason for that. Oh, yeah, right.

Yes. Well, you see, he's, uh... He's, uh... Yes, I suppose he

is.

Right, let's settle, then. Do you mind if I use your loo? I'm free.

Oh, yeah, I'll show you where it is. This way.

Now, then.

Down there.

Ninth on the left.

It's got This Is It on the door.

I just happen to be going through your jacket pockets, looking for fluff.

What are these?

Ah! First -class tickets and hotel accommodation for Jersey next weekend.

Yes. They can't be for us. You are going to attend the Opel Association

Conference in Bootle next weekend.

Yes, I am. Yes, you're quite right. And I wouldn't miss it. No.

No, these are not for us, as you said. These are for, uh... For, um...

For Mildred and George, a surprise.

Then why has it got Mr and Mrs Pumphrey?

Oh, has it? Oh, oh, he's a fool, that travel agent.

Well,

because I... Well, look, they haven't had a holiday for years, you

know, and I thought, well, it's a charitable act from me.

And you.

Charity? From me to Mildred? Oh, I like it. Let's give them to her right.

Well, I was thinking the poor dear's been looking tired and drawn lately, and

she can't afford a decent holiday, so here.

Ah, well.

Jersey?

Holiday for two, third class.

I'll make a nice change for you. Oh, no, no, no, no, we couldn't possibly. All

right, I'll give them back to the travel agent.

Now, Mildred, you are not to be proud.

If we weren't giving to you, we'd be giving to Oxfam.

Jersey? I've never been there.

Come on, it's almost abroad.

Oh, it must have cost you, oh, I don't know, pounds and pounds.

A hundred and bloody thirty.

It's worth it just to see your face.

Oh, and it's a lovely little island. We flew over it on our way to Barbados last

night.

Ah, I see your toilet roll holder's got a new tune.

George, look, look, look, look.

I've never seen him before in my life.

No, of course you haven't, George.

No, for you.

Yeah, like you. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to Jersey with your secretary.

Mildred's going.

Oh, with your secretary? I see.

Excuse me.

Humphrey, I would like a word.

I thought that was purely business. You've got...

Don't listen to me. I can explain.

George!

That was the most embarrassing dinner party I've ever sat through, George.

Yeah, lucky we had steak. Came in handy for his eye.

I mean, that's what's wrong with men.

I mean, they're never satisfied.

They're over -sexed. Oh, it's the way we're made, Mildred.

Not you, George.

Your trouble is an overactive mouth.

I mean, we could have been in Jersey next weekend.

Well, you can't blame me. Oh, yes, I can. You're nearest.

Oh, poor Ethel.

She'll do very well out this row. Next time she comes here, she'll be wearing

two fur coats.

George, you stay right there.

I haven't finished with you yet.

Oh, well, I didn't want to go to Jersey anyway, Moby.

We'd have had to put you in kennels.

What's the matter, George?

It's Mr. Formile. Oh, blimey, that's all I need.

Good evening.

Anne has been nagging... has mentioned to me that you... Sit down, love. Thank

you. That you are looking for a job. Oh, he is. Yes, he is.

Well, she would like to... I would like to offer him one.

Well, it's got nothing to do with triping kidneys, is it?

No, no, it's in our advertising department. It's quite a heavy

You'll be taking a lot on your shoulders.

He'll take it!