Original subtitles

BTR 1018792 part 1, take 1.

I am sick of it, George.

I am sick of mending and making do.

If you weren't a proper wage, we might be able to afford some decent furniture

for a change.

Shut your trap.

I beg your pardon?

Shut your trap. It's running tomorrow at 2 .30 at Newmarket.

Well, it had better be.

Well, for a moment there, George, your life hung by a thread.

Yeah, I've got a bet on it, see.

It's the second leg of my accumulator. I've got three legs altogether.

Yeah, most of the horses you back have three legs, George.

Oh, not this time, Mildred. The first one's already won this afternoon, one o

'clock. Came in ten to one. Oh, yeah? What happened? Did it run backwards?

I've got about eight quid on shut your trap tomorrow, see. Here, look. There we

are. There.

Number seven. Same as me birthday.

Yeah, he's an omen.

Yeah, and he's a golden.

Oh, another omen.

Furthermore, he hasn't got handicap.

Well, depends which way you look at that, George.

Well, he won't be carrying any extra weight. Yeah, so you said.

Look, George.

Why don't you just ask the social security people to send your money

the bookie and cut out the middleman?

Oh, that's not fair, Mildred. I have come up once or twice.

Once or twice, yes.

There you are.

That hides that greasy little mark of yours.

Oh, it's only hair at all.

Oh, George, I don't know why you bother.

It's like spreading lawn food on concrete.

There's nothing wrong with this furniture. It's just a bit worn, that's

A bit worn?

If I shampoo that carpet once more, you'll be able to read the newspaper

underneath. Shut this back.

You are using that.

Cheers.

Oh,

it's nice to relax.

Just the two of us.

Well, two and two -thirds of us.

Is Tristram asleep?

Oh, yes. Just looked in on him. Out like a light.

What do you want me for, Daddy?

Well, he looked asleep.

Can I have a drink of water?

No. Can I have some of that wine?

No. Why aren't you asleep?

I was thinking, if Daddy put the baby in your tummy, where did he get it from?

Harrod's Baby Department.

I see.

What did Michael at school say?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Hello,

George.

Are you still awake?

I'm afraid so, yes.

Oh, God.

You have been in that bathroom for over half an hour.

Yeah, well, I had to wipe the walls down, didn't I?

Yeah, well, I switched the electric toothbrush on before I got it in my

Toothpaste everywhere.

Oh, sure.

Well, come to bed and tell me all about it. Oh, no, Mildred. I thought I'd sit

at the dressing table and read for a bit, see?

Typical. I don't need new furniture.

I need a new husband.

A new furniture costs money, Mildred.

Besides, it's not all old. Sent your life in this bed.

Since when?

Good, solid pre -war British workmanship, this is. Never let you

Oh! Oh! Oh!

What was that crash?

Next door.

Shh, I've finally got him off. What was that crash?

Yeah, well, er...

Do you think it's damaged, Mildred?

It's a write -off.

Well, not really.

If you remove the other leg, it'd be a sort of nice low bed, sort of modern.

Oh, and what about these?

One cough, I'd go straight out the window.

That's right, look on the funny side.

Can't kill it, Mildred. I can prop it up with bricks, see?

George, George, leave it.

You'll wake up the woodworm. They'll make straight for the wardrobe.

We've got to sleep somewhere.

Well, we use the spare room.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

no way, mate.

It's got a single bed.

So? Yeah, well, I mean, you and me, we'll get tangled up.

I tell you what, there's a settee. You sleep on that and I'll keep in the spare

room. Here. I've got a better idea, George.

What? You have the settee. Oh.

Thank you, madam.

Good morning, sir. Morning, madam. Can I help you? Yes, good morning, Mr, uh,

Father Gill. Yes, we're looking for, um... A cot, yes.

We've had quite a run on cots lately.

Probably the power cut last March.

Right, yeah. Well, there we are, madam. Drop downside with a safety chain.

Teething bar, rattle wrap, fitted mattress.

Pink, white or blue with optional bunny, duck or womble.

I think we've just got one vote for yes.

Fancy giving our old bed away.

George, I did not give it away.

I've got a goldfish for it.

Yes,

yes, look, they've got all sorts here, George.

Oh, here, they might even have a waterbed.

What, with your elbows? You'll puncture it in five minutes.

Yes, that's true. Well, we must be practical, so let's just have a look at

the...

George. Look.

Oh, George.

Look. That's bigger than the bedroom. Oh, look, George.

Black satin fitted sheet.

Oh, no, that's kinky, that is. Oh.

Oh, and look at this headboard.

Look what it says.

Incorporate stereo radio.

I could lie there in the morning and have Terry Wogan coming at me both sides

once.

Well, where we put it, I have to sell the house to afford it.

Yes. Yes, you're right, George.

Yes, we've got to be practical.

So we must... Oh, George.

Oh, God.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, I've always wanted to sleep in one of these, George.

Oh, and look at the little frill on the outside. Look.

They're not frills on a bed, Mildred.

No.

Oh, George.

Oh, this is heaven.

Oh, come down here. Come on, come and join me.

Oh, no, no. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

You are going to behave yourself, aren't you?

So that is one white with duck.

Would you like naturalistic or Donald?

Oh, naturalistic. Oh, Donald.

Donald. Donald, yes.

Will that be cash, sir?

Cash?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Account, of course. That should do nicely.

Now, when would you like delivery?

Preferably before mine.

Oh, George, it's so cosy, isn't it? I mean, it's like... George.

What? You've still got your shoes on. So?

We'll get in touch just as soon as they come in.

Thank you. Stop that. Stop it.

George, take them off. Now, if you don't take them off, I'm going to take them

off for you.

Sir!

Madam. Oh, I mean, we were just... Oh, hello, last time were you... Mrs Roper.

We need a new bed, you see, because our old one collapsed last night.

Oh!

Oh, so that's what all the noise was about.

Yes. Oh, well, if you'll just excuse us, could you direct us towards... Graham,

sir, first floor. Thank you so much. Thank you. Madam.

You've made a wise choice, sir. Very sturdy.

You certainly won't get that one to collapse.

Well, actually, I haven't decided. And it is only 590 pounds.

I've decided.

What's the cheap one called? It is not cheap, George.

It's the inexpensive one.

A special offer, yes.

Follow me.

Of course, they are slightly shop -soiled.

What have they been doing on them? Be quiet.

There you are, madam. Beautiful padded vinyl headboard with beautiful padded

vinyl footboard.

Well, yes, it's... Well, it's new.

It's a bit posh, isn't it? Oh, do you think so? We'll take it.

Splendid. Will that be a count?

Cash?

Keep going.

HP. I'll get the forms.

Higher purchase?

We can't afford cash, George.

Mildred, there's something I think you'd better know.

Oh, surely.

The humiliation of it.

I mean, why didn't you tell me you were on a higher purchase blacklist?

No, it's a cocktail cabinet, Mildred. I refuse to pay the last instalment

because a cigarette burns on it. You put them there.

Oh, well, it's the principle of the thing, isn't it?

So I can't have my new bed after all?

No, well, we'll have to have a second -hand one, won't we? Oh, blimey, it's

started already.

With tea tray coming up on the inside rail and Simon's boy falling back a

and to last for long, it's shut your trap and tea tray neck and neck. I am

going to sleep in a second -hand bed.

Mildred. That's the second installment of the accumulator.

Simon's boy making a last -minute effort. But it's too late, and at the

it's shut your trap. And tea tray, which shut your trap, went in by half a

length. Tea tray second, Simon's boy third, and here are the starting

priorities. That's it!

Oh, one, two, what have you got? Eleven to two.

That means I've got about 40 quid on the third horse tomorrow.

Well, really? Well, that means if it wins tomorrow, you won't need HP.

Aye. Ha, ha, ha.

So you didn't actually buy a bed then, Mildred? No, not yet.

No, it all depends on my lover. What, Mr Roper?

Good God, no.

No, it's a horse.

It's a horse court, you see. My lover. It's running tomorrow at Catterick. Oh,

if it wins.

I can buy myself a lovely new bed.

Oh, how much are you going to put on it? All of me.

Oh, you mean the bed?

Oh, George is singing to that. It's got something to do with his third leg.

Mind you, with his luck, it'll probably spin off the course or whatever it does.

Well, let's see what your stars say tomorrow. Right. What are you?

Virgo. Yes.

A good day for contacting someone who is close to you. Well, that could mean

anything. I mean, it could mean that I'd hit him. You will give way to your

natural instincts. Then I'm definitely going to hit him.

You do know, he is completely... Complaining? Because he's having to

the settee. Oh.

I might be able to help you there.

It's not dignified, Mildred.

Kipping in a sleeping bag in my own bedroom.

Well, then go on to the settee.

Oh, no.

I've got uncut moquette marks all down my legs from last night.

Well, then, come with me into the spare bed.

It's true. It's on between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Well, make up your mind.

I'll stick with the deep blue sea.

Anyway, you borrowed it. I reckon you ought to sleep in it. All right, George,

don't mind.

If you don't think there's going to be too much of a squash.

I didn't mean that.

No, I know you didn't.

How are you supposed to get in here, anyway?

You climb into it, George.

Head first.

I zip you off and you suffocate.

How do you think you get into it?

I haven't used one of these since I was in the Boy Scouts.

Dip, dip, dip, dop, dop, dop.

Snuggle down and shut your gob.

Yeah, I remember.

I've got me wobble caught in the ship.

Well, that might explain a lot.

Here's your cocoa.

Oh, ta.

Yeah, I had a Boy Scouts night with two blades, a corkscrew, an attachment for

putting things in horseshoes.

You know, George, I can't see you as a Boy Scout. I mean, you haven't got the

knees for it.

I got kicked out in the end for threatening behaviour during Bobber Job

Oh, yeah,

those were the good old days.

I think I'll get my head down now, Mildred.

All right, then, George. Well, good night.

Oh, yeah.

Aren't you going to sit me up?

Oh, all right.

Now, get into it properly.

Put your little hood up.

There you go.

That's right. There we are.

There's your thingies. Right.

There we go.

Now. Hey, careful.

Right, George.

Well, good night.

Night. We're riding along all the time.

The sun is in the sky.

Morning, Miltred. Morning, love.

Hello, dear. I was wondering if you wanted to go to the shop.

Well, actually, yes, dear, I do. So do I. Only I can't fit in behind the

steering wheel.

All right, come on in.

It's all right, love.

I'll drive you.

I could drive if you'd work the pedals for me.

I don't think so.

Anyway, it'll give me a chance to wear my new hat.

Look, I made it myself.

Well, I had some material left over, you see.

Now, tell me, what do you think?

Honestly, now.

I'm asking you, Tristan.

It's very nice, Mildred. Oh, thank you.

I think it's... What do you know about hats?

No, he's right.

It's dreadful.

All right, come on.

Let's go shopping.

Go on.

How did Mr. Roper get on with a sleeping bag?

Well, the last time I looked in on him, he was sleeping like a sack of King

Edwards. I know the feeling.

Oh, my word.

Oh, well, another day.

curse of the mummy.

It's £1 .50 this week, sir.

Oh, no, listen, me sit's stuck.

What? Can you give me a hand? Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Hang on.

Yeah.

This has happened to me once or twice.

Very frustrating.

Now, your doodars come off.

Oh, no, they ain't.

Well, you're going to need a pair of pliers, Esquire. And it's still £1 .50.

Well, hang on.

Thanks very much. Oh, don't mention it.

It's a bit nippy out this morning, Gov.

Phil, that won't bother you.

You won't be going out.

Yeah.

Thanks very much. Goodbye.

Mildy!

Mildy!

Mildy! Oh, stupid back.

Oh, scissors.

That's a thing.

Oh, yeah.

mildred yes love of course tristram don't you fire that in the house again

do you mind if i listen to the race oh yes of course right

And my lover, number two in the sheepskin nose band.

And they're off.

Come on!

Come on, my lover!

Shh! The neighbours will wonder what's going on.

Oh, sorry.

Come on, you big radio.

And you.

We see Storm coming up on the outside of the toilet. Ginger's still holding his

lead. And it's my lover. My lover coming through in a strong finish. And at the

post, yes, it's My Lover, followed by Jolly Ginger. And in third place,

Seastorm.

I've won.

I've won the treble.

What have you got?

My Lover at five to two.

Thank you.

Five to two, that's a... Oh, wait a minute, that's a ten to one, eleven to

Oh, it's a lot of money.

George!

George, the race.

Yeah, you missed it. Shame, really. What?

Yeah, it's a pity it lost.

It what?

You could have used all when you went into the port and you bet.

I see.

You'll have to get a cheap second -hand one now.

Oh, so this betting slip is worth nothing then, George?

Oh, no.

Oh, well, then I'll just tear it up, dear. No, no, no, don't do that. I'll do

that later. I'm good at that.

Yeah. Well, you've had enough practice.

So it lost, eh?

Oh. Well, I blame it on our radio.

How do you mean?

Well, on Anne's radio, it won.

Oh.

Anne. Anne, I wish you wouldn't let him fire these things in the house.

Oh, dear.

It isn't exactly welcome home.

What's my sleeping bag doing down here?

Oh, I lent it to Mr Roper yesterday.

He returned it?

Wonders will never cease.

George.

We might be able to pull some sheets as well.

Perhaps those black satin fitted ones.

We like sleeping in a dustbin liner.

George,

you have no romance.

We have here what I think you call a winning slip.

Oh, yeah?

Afternoon, George.

Sit.

Oh, yeah, touch lucky, a accumulator.

Let's see how much we owe you.

£169. Oh, George!

That's, of course, what you owe us, George.

What? Yeah, well, I had to run a bit up on the slate, didn't I?

£168 .15, which means that you get 85p.

Congratulations.

We could buy some ant eggs for the goldfish.