Original subtitles

VTR 1018791, part 1, take 1.

It doesn't look as if anybody else is going to come to my little coffee

No. No.

Well, they should have let you know if they couldn't make it. Oh, they did.

It's just that I thought one or two of them might change their minds, you know.

Would you like another cup?

We've got gallons to get through.

Well, just a small one.

It might keep Emma awake.

Oh.

Emma? It's a girl today, is it?

Got to be. It gets all restless when Darcy and Hutch come on to me.

Yeah, don't we all?

Right.

It is black, isn't it?

How many people did you invite, Mildred? Oh, just a few, dear.

Well, about 40.

Well, I didn't think all of them would want to come.

All right, you were.

Did you send proper invitation cards out? Oh, of course, dear.

Oh, nothing fancy. You know, just, uh, Mildred Roper will be at home on

morning.

One of them wrote back and said, so will I.

Oh, there, you see.

I knew someone would, uh... You have her, Gwynny. Right. Uh, oh, do you think

we've got enough sandwiches?

Oh, there's plenty, Mildred.

Yes? Mm.

Right, well, excuse me.

Good morning.

The knob fell off your nose, Mildred.

The bit that was on his hat.

We left it out in front of the lawnmower, he did. I told you to stay

I am expecting company.

You want people to think I'm the gardener, don't you?

Morning.

Sir, I noticed you didn't bring me out a cup of coffee. Well, I was going to,

when everybody else had gone.

Everybody else?

Oh, I see.

You're the only one that's turned up, aren't you?

Well, yes.

out of 40 invitations.

Oh, no, it's the same, isn't it?

Sure, you won't be cold topping those snobs round here, the lot of them.

Thank you.

Oh, no, not you. You're different.

You feel sorry for her.

George, have you finished weeding that fine garden?

Well, oh, yeah, yeah.

I've slung them in next door.

Well, no, not your side, the other side.

I'm sorry to be the first to leave, Mildred.

Well,

I did say I had to go. Yeah, of course. Jeff is coming home for lunch. Yes,

dear, yes.

Thank you ever so much for coming.

Pleasure. I'll see myself out. Bye. Bye -bye, dear.

So, lettuce, watercress, cucumber?

Oh, no wonder nobody come.

You should have made them sausage or fried egg sandwiches.

I had no complaints from Anne.

Well, she's probably on a diet, isn't she?

Yeah, she needs to be.

I don't know if you noticed, but she's not put on a lot of weight lately.

Put on a lot... Oh, you fool.

I told you weeks ago she was in a... interesting condition.

What do you mean, she's... Yes.

Oh. I thought you meant she was drunk.

Well...

That's the last of the vegetable garden.

It's also the first.

Yes.

Well, at least we got one meal out of it. And it's not much more expensive

buying it in the shop. Quite.

How was the coffee, Molly?

Oh, it was a disaster. Nobody turned up. Well, what do you expect? Mrs. Clifton

-White was holding hers at the same time. Oh, I didn't mention that to

The wife of the local council or the wife of the local scruffbag.

No contest.

You know, sometimes I think Mr Roper's right.

There are a lot of toffee -nosed snobs around here.

Nonsense! They're all much the same as me.

Dad, Dad, I found a caterpillar. Can I keep it in a pet?

No, no, no, I don't think so.

Don't let it see the lettuce, it'll go berserk.

You see, son, caterpillars don't stay as caterpillars.

They form a cocoon, then it births, and out comes a butterfly.

When's Mummy going to birth?

Not for two or three months yet.

It's a long business, isn't it?

Yes.

Oh, hello, Jerry. Hello, George.

Have a lollygobble chuckbook.

Oh.

Is it all right if I leave my ice cream van outside?

What? Oh, yeah, that's all right, yeah.

Hey, I haven't seen you for, oh, must be about a year.

No, it's eight months, George, with full remission.

What won the Derby in 1928?

I don't know.

A horse.

Oh, dear, dear.

Oh, yeah, it's a good day, isn't it? Yeah, a horse, yeah.

As mildew.

What?

She's much the same. Oh, well, you can't win them all, can you?

Oh, you knew I was coming, then.

Oh, go on, help yourself.

All right.

Let's see what we've got to drink.

There's gin, whiskey, vodka.

They're all empty.

Here, do you fancy a prune brandy?

I'll stay with a coffee if it's all right.

George, sit down.

What? Listen.

I'm going to make you a millionaire overnight.

Well, that's very decent of you.

It might take a month or two, but this is the investment opportunity of a

lifetime. What, flogging ice loggies?

Oh, no, no. I just borrowed that van from me granny.

I usually drive around in an XJS.

Had to loan it to the finance company. Now, this scheme, fully backed by an

consortium... And who would let that ice cream van jacked up?

Oh, I might have known.

Morning, Mrs Hart. Yeah.

You know, for a moment there, I thought you was your own daughter when you come

in. Shift it!

Before the neighbours complain.

Right.

Jerry was just telling me about... It's all right, George.

It's all right. We'll carry on chatting in the pub.

Even those little laughter wrinkles seem to enhance their... Shift it!

of yours, eh?

I'm just going to say one word to you, George.

Pigeon.

Pigeon? What's the first word you think after pigeon?

Well... Oh,

yeah, that as well.

There's a fortune to be made in pigeon farming.

Is there? I have here the projected profit ratio, input -output cash flow of

first year. Oh, yeah.

Incredible.

And the initial livestock can be got from Trafalgar Square for nothing.

All you need is a handful of millet and glue right along your arm.

Then you start breeding them.

They don't need much encouragement. Before you know where you are, you've

whole chain of Kentucky Fried Pigeon Shots.

Well, you know, when they fly away.

Not when they're covered in breadcrumbs and cooked.

Now, if it's just you, me and the Arab consortium, how much are you going to

in?

Everything. Good man.

My life savings. Well done.

£10 .76.

No, no, George, I was thinking more in terms of four figures.

Well, that is four figures.

Yeah, but let's put it this way, that won't even buy the shovels to keep the

cages clean.

Well, how much would I have to put in? Well, it's got to be in thousands,

George. Not so much for the money, more for the personal commitment.

Well, personally, I'm ready to be committed.

Yeah.

What about old Mildew?

Has she any cash tucked away?

Well,

there's so many left over, dear, I thought that you might be able to use

you know, for Tristram's tea.

Well, thanks, Mildred. I'll try them, but I think he prefers sausage or fried

egg sandwiches.

Yes?

Oh, well.

Oh, don't go too badly about this morning, Mildred. I think Mrs Clifton

was having a coffee morning as well.

What, the counsellor's wife?

The WI chairwoman? The one on the board of governors of the school?

Oh, you know her?

No.

I don't know anyone.

Except the Avon lady.

Perhaps you should have invited her.

I did.

She didn't come either.

Mildred.

Roper.

I was just saying, how dare you?

What?

How dare you accuse me of going through your personal papers?

Oh, so that's what you were doing, was it?

How did you know?

I was just seeing how we were sort of fixed, you know, financially.

Oh, I'm all right, George.

You have nothing.

Next question.

What about this insurance policy?

It must be worth something.

Yes, when you're dead.

Well, couldn't I get an advance on it? Very likely.

I mean, let's face it, there's not a lot of life left in you.

Anyway, what do you want money for?

Oh, well, Jerry's got me interested in an investment scheme he's thought up,

see, and... Oh, I see, and you want money to have your head examined, is

it? Yes. No, no.

Yes, well, this idea he's got is... Yeah, well, don't bother to tell me,

I'm not in the mood to laugh.

When it comes to your fat friend and his get -poor -quick scheme, there's no

money in this house.

Ah, the house.

Yes.

Yes, I... Yes, I do agree that our advertisement says the property is on

river and not in it.

But that only happens twice a year.

Yes, I've put details of other properties in the post.

Goodbye.

All right, Maisie, he's been waiting an hour. Show him in.

Good afternoon.

Quite.

If you want to borrow my lawnmower, you'll have to wait till you give it

me.

No, it's all right. I'll get it fixed first.

What do you think I'll get for my house?

What do you mean, fixed up?

You're selling your house.

Well?

You're moving.

Oh, my.

Depends how much money I'll get.

Oh, lots.

Lots. Have a drink.

I've never really fitted in round here. Oh, true.

I'd be much happier in a council flat.

Oh, you would.

I've said as much to Anne many times.

What sort of commission do you get? None.

In your case?

None. I could put it on the market at once.

You could be out in a fortnight.

Cheers. Oh.

Oh, yes, cheers.

Hello, George. Geoffrey here.

Who?

Mr. Formeyer.

Look, I have a couple with me who are very interested in looking over your

property. A Mr. and Mrs. Williams.

Oh, yeah, right, yes.

What, three o 'clock? Yeah.

Yeah, all right, then. Three o 'clock.

Oh!

Who was it? Oh, it's the wrong number.

They wanted a speaking clock.

That's why I told them the time, see?

It's only quarter past one.

Ah, yeah, well, they didn't want to know the time now.

They wanted to know what it would be at three o 'clock.

It's a bit silly, really, isn't it? Yes.

Mildred? What? Would you like to go to the pictures this afternoon?

There's a good film on. Oh, George!

We haven't been to the pictures together in the afternoon since we were...

Well, since we were courting. I don't know.

Here, do you remember?

You got your shirt tail caught in the tip -up seat.

Yeah, I remember.

Anyway, I looked here.

Nympho night nurse coupled with red -hot and ready.

George, we can't go and see anything like that.

Oh, not me. I've seen them already. No, you can go.

Well, I'd be.

Well, I wouldn't. Anyway, I've got a lot of shopping to do.

Ah.

Good.

Gin and tonic, please, and tomato juice and a club sandwich.

Oh, this is no fun.

I can't drink and I can't smoke.

All right, Anne, I've had to give up a few things as well.

Only the one.

And that's what caused it in the first place.

We did miss you at our little coffee morning.

Yes. I don't think you've met my husband, Geoffrey. Mr and Mrs Clifton

How do you do, sir?

Please, Reginald. Reginald. Can I buy you both a drink?

Gin and tonics? Right.

I'd already arranged to go to my next -door neighbour's coffee morning.

Absolute disaster. Nobody turned up. Oh, how awful for her. Oh, quite, quite.

Sad business.

Her name's Mildred.

Mildred Roper.

You really should meet her. I'm sure you'd get on. Yes, I must pop in

say hello.

Oh, she'd like that.

I'm chairing the committee for repairs to the church roof.

Perhaps I can persuade her to sit on it.

Thank you.

Should we all grab a table? Right.

You're wasting your time.

They'll be moving soon.

Who will? The Ropers. They put the house on the market.

And these, well, as you probably realise, are the stairs leading back

the hall, see?

And down there... Will you be leaving the carpets and curtains? Oh, no.

Thank God for that.

Down here, there's more hall, see? Leading through to the lounge -stroke

room. Yes.

Well, what do you think, my dear?

Can you hear the neighbours through the wall?

Oh, yes. Better than the telly some nights.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's a nice area.

It's a good park. Football pitch, cricket, tennis.

What about drafts? Well, that's more your indoor game, isn't it?

Do you mind if I jump up and down?

Oh, you like the place that much, do you?

The floorboards. Oh, yeah, there's plenty of them. They're under the

Er, George!

Oh, my God.

Excuse me.

Talk amongst yourselves.

You're back early, my precious. Yes, well, shopping doesn't take too long

you don't meet anybody to gossip with.

Who are you talking to?

Oh, just people.

A man and his wife. Well, they dropped in to say hello.

What, neighbours?

Oh, George, how nice.

You see?

They aren't all toffee -nosed snobs. How do you do?

Oh, this is my wife, and this is Mr. and Mrs. What's -her -name. It's very nice

of you to come.

George,

where are your manners?

How nice to meet you.

Yes.

A few squeaks here.

Yes, the floorboards.

Oh, do sit down.

Have a sherry, or a...

prune brandy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please, George.

Pour us all out a drink. Come on.

Oh, do sit down.

There we are.

Oh, how nice of you to drop in.

Well, not really.

We wanted to look round your house.

Oh? You can't tell from the outside, can you? No, I suppose you can't, no.

You can't tell what?

For instance, your bedroom's a lot smaller than we expected.

George showed you our bedroom.

Oh, yes.

And the bathroom.

We were rather hoping for a shower.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, perhaps after you've had a drink.

Here we are. You just swig these down, then you can go.

Your ceiling's got one or two very nasty cracks.

Right.

Let's get the homework done, otherwise you'll have nothing to forget to take to

school tomorrow.

All right.

Mum? Yes?

Jason's rabbits just had ten babies all at once.

Really? If you had ten, we could form our own football team.

And I'd be captain, because I'm the oldest.

Homework. I'm just popping next door.

There you are.

I suppose if the kitchen were a bit bigger, but, well, frankly, I really

like these houses.

Neither do I.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Here, well, we won't detain you.

It would look better with our furniture in. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, right, off you

go. It's very nice of you to call. I see your own self out.

They were a nice couple, weren't they?

Ah!

And did they say where they lived?

Potter's Bar.

Potter's Bar.

Oh, they've come all this way?

Just a drop in?

Yeah, well, it's neighbourly of them, wasn't it?

A complete waste of a perfectly good

prune brandy.

Here?

Oh, hello, love. Come on in.

Mildred, I'm so sorry to hear we're not going to be neighbours anymore.

You're not moving.

What?

No, you are.

Pardon?

The big fight, followed by a general hospital.

Er, George?

Yes, Melody?

Do you want to be buried or cremated?

Well, neither.

I'm not dead.

Not yet.

What do you mean?

You. Have been trying to sell this house behind my back.

Oh, no, no, I'll just put it on the market to see how much it'd be worth.

Why? Of course, I could sell it.

No, you see, Jerry's got this very good... Cremated. Oh.

And how many other people have been poking their noses round my home,

at my ceiling, insulting my furniture?

Well... I can tell you now, George, it is going to stop.

Mildred, Mildred, I didn't mean to, Mildred.

This is your fault.

Sorry.

It is Roper?

Yes. We probably should have telephoned first. Oh, no.

I'm not going to come into my house and criticise it. But surely... Jumping up

and down on my floors.

Saying my bathroom's too small.

Poking your nose into my lavatory.

Go away!

Oh, Mildred, they didn't come to look at the house. They came to see you.

What? That was Mr and Mrs Clifton -White.

Cheers.

Here we are.

Yeah, so, well, I thought it wouldn't be right to sell the house behind

Mildred's back, see, so I won't be able to raise enough money to come in on the

pigeon farm, Jerry.

Ah, that's fallen by the wayside.

The Arab consortium withdrew its finances.

Abdullah and his missus at the sweetly shop.

Oh.

Seems they had a gas bill.

So you did say you had £10 .76, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, a remarkable opportunity has come up for the small

investor. Really?

You know how the French eat snails, right?

But it takes a man of vision, a man such as yourself, to realise the marketing

potential of the humble British newt.

Just think of it, George, think of it.

Newt and chips.

Newt burger.

Newt in a basket.

Tell me more, Jerry.