Original subtitles

Part one take one. Oh, it's so fast.

Next week, all right? Not too trendy?

Oh, very Cecil B. DeMille. All you need now is a megaphone and a riding crop.

A producer has to look the part. I don't want to be mistaken for an actor.

Oh, don't forget the glass slipper.

This will never fit Cynthia Bartlett. She's got feet like a yeti.

No, no, no, Anne.

Jealousy. I did offer you a part.

I do not want to play a tree. I'd rather be wardrobe mistress.

Please yourself.

Can I have a part in your pantomime?

What? Yes, why not? You can play a little boy that goes straight up to bed

without making a fuss and falls asleep at once. Now go and rehearse that.

All right.

Is Mrs Roper babysitting?

No, she's coming with us. Just for tonight, you've got Mr Roper.

Ah.

That reminds me.

Must put the drinks away.

I can't think why you want to get mixed up with that lot. Bunch of amateurs. It

brings up the creative side of me, George.

I can...

express myself artistically.

What, by making teen scones for them?

They never give you a part?

Well, eventually.

I understand they still haven't cast the tree.

You don't stand a chance.

Last year they did Macbeth. It's got three witches in it. You didn't even get

part then.

The trouble with you, George, is that you have no ambition.

Oh, now, that's where you're wrong.

Oh, yeah?

Well, name me one. Come on. One ambition.

Well... All my life, I wanted a balance of crisp on the end of me nose.

Oh, very cultural.

Go and get your coat. I'm not coming with you. No, you're not. You're

babysitting next door.

Aye.

Which brings us to the kitchen scene, right at the moment when Gwen, Prince

Charming, fits the glass slipper onto Cynthia Cinderella.

After a hell of a struggle.

Then they go into the love duet and, uh, he kisses her.

Geoffrey, what's my motivation for that?

You're after a bit of nookie.

Ah,

it's just that I need a platform.

I've got this book on acting.

Splendid, you can stand on that.

Now, the, uh, the ugly sisters. Now, Henry, Henry, last time I was not

with your interpretation of Gertrude. And for one thing, I felt that you

the padding underneath the dress.

Well, I'm wearing any padding.

No, well... I mean, it is just possible that my corsets push me up a bit.

It's got to go somewhere, hasn't it, dear?

If I could make one tiny criticism, Henry.

Oh, do.

I don't think you're projecting enough.

Well, heathless, I'm projecting too much. Who's producing this cantata?

You and Prince Charming.

Please, Henry. Anne, could you deal with the wardrobe? Yes, yes. Well, we can

mostly use the costumes from last year.

Though Cinderella's dress may have to be let out around the hips.

The main problem... Here we are then.

Tea up.

Five whiz, three without.

And I'm a lemon.

She's a lemon.

And I bought some homemade scones.

I'd better go and better them.

Isn't it exciting?

Thank you, Mildred.

Well, the main... problem is the costume of the second ugly sister, because we

don't know who's playing her. Ah, quite. Now, I've checked on this, and Cyril,

who played the part last year, feels he can't take the role again this year. It

may remind people of the court case if he dressed up in women's clothes again.

Right. So, um, has anyone any suggestions?

What about her?

Mrs. Roper? Oh, she can't act.

Well, that's never stopped some of us, dear.

I thought ugly sisters were supposed to be played by men.

Surely not.

I mean, Henry's playing one.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in charge, see. Right, well, I'll just draw two.

Yeah, well, there's not a lot here, really. I'll just push it round for 2p.

If I've got three kings and two aces, is that the full house?

Yeah, well, I haven't actually let go of the 2p. I'll fold instead.

So I've won.

Is that what's called bluffing?

Eh?

A pair of threes? Go on.

Well,

go and ask her, Geoffrey. You've got no choice.

Oh, very well.

Mrs. Roper, might I have a word with you?

Yes, of course, Mr. Roper. Now, I know you've actually been wanting to play a

part, and, well, there is one in this production that might suit you.

Oh, how marvellous.

Oh, I can make my own leaves and branches and everything.

No, no, no, it's not a tree. No, this part is absolutely right for you.

Oh. Yes, it's an ugly sister.

Oh!

Oh, yes.

I'll see you.

Yeah, all right. Well, of course you're 5P.

Come on, put it in.

That's it, right.

Three sevens.

I've only got two pairs.

A pair of jacks and another pair of jacks. Eh?

Oh, that's one of a kind, isn't it?

You jammy little beggar.

All right, come on, it's your deal.

No, you can't. I want a chance to win me money back, deal.

All right, hurry it up.

There we go.

Yeah,

right, well, I'll stay with this lot.

I'll open for 10p.

Tristram, Mr Roper. Oh, good evening.

Snap.

Get on, George.

Good night, all.

Oh, trip drum.

I like them for George's favourite thing.

I want 75p.

Oh.

Oh, to be ashamed of yourself, George.

Taking money from a child.

Why, didn't he? Took it off me, 75p.

So, Jim, right.

A whole week of my pocket money.

Whose turn is it to make the cocoa?

Mine. But, look, George.

I've got something exciting to tell you. You know this pantomime they're putting

on? Cinderella?

Yeah, duh. Men dressing up as women, women dressing up as men.

No wonder they're all a bit funny, these actors.

They've offered me a part.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Oh, well, that's not important, George, but it gives me an opportunity to

express myself.

Oh, come on, tell me. What are you playing?

Ugly Sister.

You're what?

An ugly sister.

real tight -cast in that evening.

Oh, go and make your own cocoa.

Well, I've fixed Cinderella's dress.

It won't go with her bleached hair, but that's not my fault.

And what have you got against Cynthia Bartlett? She's young, attractive.

That's part of it, yes.

Well, I know you played the part last year, but we cannot have a Cinderella

is older than Baron Harder.

It's a very... Young Baron Harder. Well, we can age him up. We can't young you

down. Watch it, or you can say goodbye to your madosh. Okay, all right. I'm

sorry, darling.

The wardrobe mistress is much more important.

How's Griselda's costume coming along?

Ah, Mildred's altering that herself.

She's very keen to get it just right.

How much longer are you going to be?

I can't sit here all day.

make us dummy and you're the nearest thing to it. Get on that table.

It's very humiliating, that's what it is. Oh, stop complaining.

Now, let's have a look under here.

Yeah, what are you doing under there?

I can't hear what you're saying.

Hey, stop that. I'm ticklish.

I only touched your ankle.

Yeah, I know. You, when you get near my legs, you go to pieces.

I prefer you working on the outside, if you don't mind. Oh, all right.

Now, the petticoat looks all right, so all we need to do is to turn up the

a bit. What am I supposed to do? Just stand here? No.

You can help me learn the line. Oh, not again.

Come on. Page 92. Come on. Let me try on the glass slipper.

I shall marry the handsome over.

Prince? No.

I... Griselda shall marry him.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, no, you won't. Oh, yes,

I will. Oh, yes, I will.

Oh, no, you won't.

Oh, you know it.

Don't move. It's only pinned.

They kiss.

Dog.

go in? Well, I was just driving by and Humphrey's Christmas present to me.

How nice.

It's parked over there by the curb.

Oh. Is it really?

Do go in.

George, it's my sister.

And her husband. Oh, George.

Mildred, look, I've brought a decent bottle of sherry so that we can all

He's wearing a dress.

Yeah, well, it's none of our business, is it?

So, are you keeping it, George?

Oh, not too badly. I don't really like Christmas. All that goodwill rubbish.

Yeah, can be a bit of a drag.

All that turkey and stuffing and Christmas pudding. I felt a bit queer

morning.

like your dress?

Yeah. No, no, it's not my dress.

No, it's Mildred's. Oh, and she lets you wear it. How understanding.

No, no, no, you tell her, Mildred, the ugly sister.

Oh, really?

No, not you, another ugly sister.

In pantomime.

It's a Hampton Wick play and they've offered me my first role and I'm

the dress.

Oh, I see.

We must come along and laugh at you.

You know, for a minute there, I thought he was on the turn.

One more remark like that and I'll smash you over the head with my handbag.

How are you feeling? Any better now?

No, I am not.

Breakfast will be delayed a bit. I've got to scrape the beans off the ceiling.

What?

Oh, yes.

You didn't tell me I had to... You didn't tell me I had to pierce the can

I'll get up. No, no, no. You stay where you are. You've got to get better for

tonight.

Tell you what.

You won't need any make -up.

I blame this on that rotten old spy car of yours.

The other day when it rained, I was up to my knees in rainwater.

Yeah, well, it won't happen again. I fixed it. I bought holes in the bottom.

Oh, marvellous.

God, I'm hot and cold all over.

I've got a pounding headache.

I'm losing my voice.

You know what the trouble with you is, Mildred? What?

You're not well.

Geoffrey Formile Production.

Additional material by Geoffrey Formile.

Starring blah, blah, blah.

Produced and directed by Geoffrey Fulmar.

Mr Roper, he'd like a word.

Yes? It's about Mildred.

You're not going to like this.

I'm ever so sorry, Mr Fulmar.

What seems to be the trouble?

I've lost my voice.

Pardon? She says she's lost her voice.

And it's getting worse. The doctor has been. Says she mustn't exert herself in

bed. Oh, George.

Oh, yeah.

No, he said she must stay in bed and not exert herself.

Yeah, that's right.

But the performance is tonight.

She said she's willing to have a try. The show must go on. Oh, marvellous. I

mean, she can write her dialogue on bits of paper and pass it out to the

audience.

It's not her fault she's got flu.

Yes, right.

But where am I going to find a replacement for her at the last moment?

it's been all for nothing, isn't it? All those weeks rehearsing with her.

I practically know the part backwards myself.

Yes, but I... Do you really?

No, of course I do. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Not even for the kiddies? No, certainly not.

You must do it, George.

Don't you raise your voice at me.

No, I'm not doing it. Very well.

Tell Mrs Roper I'm sorry she's not well.

Well, it's her voice that's gone, not her ears.

Yes, well, don't worry about letting me down.

It's just not me, Mildred. I mean, prancing about all dressed up on a

What?

Language.

Yes, Cyril, I know how you feel, but... Well, I've been let down badly by...

Hmm?

Yes, yes, it is the same dress as you wore last time.

I know it didn't match your eyes exactly, but... Well, couldn't you wear

your own?

Hello?

Hello? He's hung up.

Not now, Christian. I'm rather busy.

I've been playing with Action Man.

Oh, good, good.

I've got a running flush.

Huh?

Oh, you'd better get your mother to give you a junior aspirin.

Get more sense out of Action Man.

The curtain goes up in half an hour.

They'll never get anyone to replace you at such short notice. It'll be chaos.

You've got to laugh and... Oh,

yeah.

You really let them down, you have still. Try not to think about it.

I wonder what's on the telly.

Hey, door, Mildred.

Well, come on then, George.

We said we'd pick you up. Oh, yeah, I'm not going.

You're not going?

Well, you've got to support the missus.

Think of it as a duty.

That's how I think of it.

Ah, Mildred's not going either.

She's not going.

Why not?

I've got a touch of him.

I can't move. Oh, yeah, well, I think you've answered that question.

Poor thing. Well, it's no wonder when you haven't got a proper fur coat.

How are they going to manage, then?

Well, they've asked George to play it.

George? Well, the dress fits him. We know that.

No, I'm not doing it. No, I think you're quite right. I think you're quite

right, George. I mean, you don't want all those people asking you for your

autograph.

They what?

Well, I mean, once you get on that stage, it could lead to anything, you

What? How do you mean?

Well, I mean, talent scouts in the audience.

That's how Clark Gable started.

And Joan Crawford.

Well, Hampton Wick players.

No, I mean, you know, in the corner. a small part.

Oh, no, that couldn't happen to me. I mean, after all, I'll be... Could it?

Could it?

Could it?

Could it?

George?

George!

George! George!

Hey, George, you all right? Yeah, yeah, I was thinking, perhaps I shouldn't let

the children down.

You've left it a bit late.

Yeah, look, you've only got 20 minutes. I could change in the back of your car.

No, you can't. It's only a sports car. It's real leather upholstery, though.

It's country's Christmas present to me. Look, here, you fetch your dress and

I'll get your taxi. Go on, hurry up.

Clark Gable, eh?

Right, Squire. Where to?

Hold on to that car.

I've seen them do this sort of thing on Kodak.

Yeah. What are you doing?

I'm training them to be dressed.

You keep your eye on the road.

Russians to think about.

What's it about?

Enough! Enough of this taradiddle, you silly goose.

Griselda?

We shall be late for the ball.

Griselda?

I'm coming, sister.

I've just been making myself.

Move stage left.

I think she's hit her head.

Well,

he's hit.

Oh, we'll marry the handsome prince.

Oh, he's ever so much better now, Mr Fourmile. And so am I. Oh, good.

Good. Geoffrey did very well.

You should have heard the laugh when he fell through the trapdoor.

Oh, I didn't know that was in the script.

It wasn't.

Well, I'm glad to see you're back normal, Miss Rober.

Oh. And you, of course.

I know, but it's too late. I mean, I've missed my opportunity.

Ah, well, there may be a part in my next production, Beauty and the Beast.

Beauty and the... Shall we go downstairs and discuss it?

Come on, Tristram. Oh, no, leave the lad.

He'll be a bit of company for me.

All right. Just for a few more minutes.

Thanks for dropping round.

Oh, yeah. Three queens.

I've got the wrong flashing shovels. Spade.

Oh.

Here.

How would you like to learn pontoon?