Original subtitles

No,

best part of the show.

Thames VTR 18064 part 1, take 1.

Oh, and this suit. I mean, this suit can go.

Oh, look. Look at it. Look at that appels. Green moulding.

That's velvet.

This is me teddy boy outfit.

You're not thinking of wearing it again?

Oh, yeah, they were the good days, Mildred. Oh, yeah, there was me,

Cycle Change Sid.

Yeah, we all had nicknames. Yes, I remember yours, George.

Bathwater.

Why did they call you that?

I don't wish to discuss it.

Oh, come on, George.

Why Bathwater?

Because I used to run away.

Yeah, well, I didn't like fighting.

Some of those old ladies could get very vicious.

Oh, typical.

Oh, and these.

You can sling these, George.

I mean, look at them.

Three -inch rubber crepe. Well, I might wear them again.

If you cough, you'll bounce right up to the ceiling.

Sling them. Oh, it's daft spring cleaning in the middle of winter.

I started it in spring. I'm still at it.

Now, come on, help me down with this case. Come on, quick, quick, quick.

I shouldn't be doing this. My back isn't what it used to be. Your front isn't

what it used to be either.

I mean, what have you got in that thing?

Oh, memories.

Treasures which I've accumulated over my lifetime. Well, don't bother to open

it. We'll just sling them off. Oh, yeah, hang on.

Some of this could be very valuable.

Valuable? Oh, yes.

Oh, what am I bid for this Dick Barton annual?

I mean, do I hear a million guineas?

Sold to the Arab gentleman.

Oh, really? This is absolute nonsense, George.

Ah!

Pardon?

Oh, it's half -warming there.

I was wearing this when I first met you. Yes, I know.

And then you took it off.

And you've left it off ever since.

Oh, well.

Now, what's this one?

Hang on, hang on.

Oh,

yeah. This is a club I used to belong to.

Yeah? Yeah.

Membership card, secret code book, yeah.

The Oval Teenies? Yeah.

Ah, that was a good club, that was, yeah.

We are the Oval Teenies, happy girls and boys.

I got expelled in the end for drinking Bourne Vita. Oh.

You have led a rich, full life, haven't you, George?

Yeah. Hang on, these could be worth a few. Bob? Yeah.

Jean Crooper.

Yeah, I used to like her.

Big Bill Campbell and his Rocky Mountain Rhythms.

The stargazers are on the air.

I think I'll take these down and play them.

If you are going downstairs, you can take the dog for a walk. Yeah, all

First.

Rubbish.

Rubbish.

Rubbish.

My dearest Dorothy.

Darling Dorothy.

Dorothy?

And then fasten slot 1A into slot 2B.

2B.

2B.

Or not 2B.

Yeah, well.

Doesn't see the fit.

And it doesn't look like the Queen Mary.

Oh, no. It doesn't, does it?

You sure you haven't muddled up the box lids?

I might have done.

Oh, well, we'll get your mother to sort it out.

Why has she gone to the doctor?

Is she ill?

No, no, no. No, she's not ill.

Is she going to have a baby?

Where did you get that idea from?

I heard you're having a row last night.

Well, we don't know yet, then.

How would you like a little brother or sister?

I'd rather have a hamster.

Yes.

Ah, that's your mother. You stay here. I want to have a little chat with her.

Um, finish off the Queen Mary.

Well, what did he say?

Good morning, Mrs. Cormier. Sorry to keep you waiting. A lot of flu about. Do

sit down. Warm for the time of year. Anne. I've had the result of your test.

You're not pregnant.

You're not?

Oh.

I knew you'd be upset.

Oh, I am. I am for your sake.

Then why are you smiling? Well, to cheer you up.

Sit down, darling.

Oh,

I was sort of looking forward to the patter of tiny feet.

Well, I might buy Tristram a hamster.

No, no, I'm sorry.

But look at it this way. I mean, it would have affected our standard of

No foreign holiday next year.

We could have put him in kennels.

No, no, I am sorry.

But, well, let's be fair.

It's not as if we were trying for a child.

It would have been the result of, well, one of us forgetting to take the pill.

Well, it's not all my fault. It takes two to tango. Well, so long as it

happen again.

What? Never?

No, not that. I mean this. This business.

Believe me, I'm as disappointed as you are.

Also means I can trade the car in.

Ah,

Mildred, good morning.

Pardon?

Sorry, sorry, Mrs Roper. Do come in.

Thank you.

Is Anne doing anything? Absolutely nothing. Do go through.

It's Mrs Roper. Do sit down. Thank you.

Hello, Mildred.

Hello, Anne. Now, how about a little celebration drink, hmm? What are you

celebrating? Well, the fact that you've come round here. Oh, no.

No, no, not for me, thank you. I've just come to have a little chat with Anne.

Ah, well, I think I'll just stroll down to the pub, then. Yes, have your

celebration drink there.

Quite.

Well, he seems very cheerful.

Yes.

He's more than you are.

Yeah, well, I've... I've had a bit of a shock.

Oh? Yeah, I...

I found these letters, all in George's handwriting.

Oh, I know I shouldn't bother you about it, but, you know, you're the only

friend I've got.

Dorothy?

Who's Dorothy? I don't know.

But he's been writing letters to her for years.

And they're very... intimate.

Yes, my word, they are.

It's probably an old girlfriend, Mildred. But the last letter he wrote

months ago.

Was it? Look.

Oh, yes.

Well, they couldn't have been posted, otherwise you wouldn't have found them.

Well, it's probably just a first draft.

I mean, they're full of mistakes.

I mean, look, your eyes are like limpid poles.

No, we've got to face it. And these are love letters.

My husband is writing to another woman.

So, there's all a force of arm there, eh? Yes, thank heavens.

And not for the first time, either.

Cheers. It's women, you see. You can't rely on them.

That's why I had the op last year.

The op?

Oh, you mean, um... The sex me.

Yes. Do you wear badges?

I do.

And a tie.

Pays to advertise.

Go, get out of me.

Go, do you see, eh?

All right, that's some burner fancy, do you?

Where exactly did you have it done?

Well, the usual place.

St Barnaby's. Oh.

Half a bit of detail.

Oh, afternoon.

Morning. Go on, what were you saying?

I know several chaps have had it done.

Graham. Nick.

And Cyril. Cyril?

We must have been wrong about him.

In my own case, my vasectomy was absolutely... Yeah.

Have we had that done to you?

What? Yes.

It was absolutely necessary. You can't tell, not from your voice.

Mr Roper, do you mind having a private conversation?

It's all right, you can rely on me. It won't go any further.

The people over the road have got a tomcat who's had that done.

It's not the same. It certainly isn't. It doesn't want to know these days.

It's a completely different operation.

Will you have another?

I didn't think you could have it done more than once.

Another drink?

Oh, yes, I'll have half a bitter. I mean, I don't know what to do for the

I mean, should I put them back? Pretend I've never found them? Could you do

that? No, I could not.

So you're going to tackle him?

Like a rugby forward.

Oh, thanks for lending me your ear.

Pleasure, Mildred.

Bye. Bye.

Am I going to have a baby brother?

Not this time, no.

Will I ever have one?

Very likely.

Only don't tell Daddy.

Oh, dear.

Oh,

it's a bit nippy out there.

Still, I'll give her a good walk.

Here I am, what's staying for the next door in the pub? Oh, in the park, in the

park, park.

Now then, I've been looking forward to playing these.

Which one shall we have?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you'll like this one, Mildred.

Jealousy. Was I well, my jealousy?

Your heart was broken.

An angry word was spoken.

George, I am not in the mood.

Oh, that makes a change.

I've got a boat to pick with you, George.

Come and sit down.

Sit.

Now, George, have you got anything to tell me?

Freely, without any prompting from me.

Is it anything to do with me using your nightie to clean your motorbike?

No, it is not.

It is much more personal.

Happy anniversary, Mildred. Oh, it's not our anniversary, George.

You have been doing something behind my back, secretly, ever since we were

married. Oh, that.

Yeah, well, it's not uncommon, Mildred. I mean, lots of men... Lots of men use

their wife's toothbrush.

I am talking about these.

Darling Dorothy, where did you find these? In that suitcase.

Oh, my God, yes.

Is that or is that not your handwriting?

Well, it could be a very clever... Yes,

it is mine.

All right, George.

Who is she?

Who is this Dorothy?

I'd rather not say.

Do I know her? No. Well, yes, in a sort of way.

Is it that one in the pet shop with the funny eye?

Certainly not.

Ah, then it's the barmaid in the British Legion.

The one with the wig and the twitch.

You haven't got a very high opinion of me, have you? No, I haven't, George.

I dream about your eyes, your ruby red lips, your silken hair.

Well, that's just an expression, Miltis. I mean, there was never anything

physical between us. That I can believe.

I worship the ground you walk on.

Well, you've never said that to me.

All right, I'll say it to you. I worship the ground she walks on. John!

And I refuse to discuss the matter any further.

It's not right.

You can't keep your hands off my personal things, can you?

They were private letters.

I thought you didn't want to talk about it. I don't.

Private letters.

Attack is the best form of defence.

Well, I'm not going to attack you.

No, I didn't think you were.

Look, George, I want to talk about our marriage.

Oh, put your pickles away!

Now, it's not always been perfect, George.

I've had to take the rough with the... rough.

And at times it has been pretty boring.

And those were the eye spots.

Calm down, Mildred. Yes, all right, George.

What I wanted to say is...

It's not too late.

For what?

To save our marriage.

I mean, I've been through quite a lot over the years, George.

For a long time, I thought all marriages were miserable.

Oh, they are, Mildred, yeah, very miserable.

Apart from our daddies, but I mean... Just look on those letters, George, as

last straw.

What, new as a camel?

Yeah.

If you like.

And ask yourself, do we need help?

Do we need help? I don't know.

Well, ask me.

Do we need help? Yes, we do.

And don't forget to take your satchel.

He wants to take this to school to show his teacher.

Ah, yes, yes, fine. Very good.

Anne, I've been thinking for the past day or so about this little false alarm.

All right.

I do solemnly swear to be more careful in future.

Unless I forget.

What I have in mind will make that unnecessary if you go along with it,

Oh, Geoffrey, I've always wanted another one.

No, no, no. I kept all Tristram's baby clothes.

No, that's... Look, Anne, sit down.

Whilst I would quite like to have another child, I mean, people are

India.

Well, I'd have it in England.

But what I was thinking was that, well, the world is overpopulated, and, well,

they are looking to us for an example.

Well, why us? Why not the people next door or across the street?

So I've decided that the best thing is for me to, uh, to, um... To what?

Have a vasectomy.

You've broken a ring off the Queen Mary.

It's very kind of you, Mrs Easton, to see us at such short notice.

Oh, that's quite all right.

George!

Oh, you're ridiculous.

What can a marriage guidance counsellor do that we can't do for ourselves?

Well, Mr Roper, we can talk.

So, she never stops talking.

Do sit down. Oh, thank you.

Now, let me see if I've got all this right.

You're George and Mildred Roper. Yeah, I'm George, she's Mildred.

Thank you. And you'll be married, let me see.

24 years?

To each other, yes.

And you seem to be having some problems.

Would you like to tell me about them?

No. Yes?

I assure you, Mr Roper, everything you say will be in complete confidence.

Look, Mrs, I've got nothing against you personally. I mean, you're probably a

very good marriage guy. Got badges for it and that, but... The basic problem

I want things that he doesn't want.

Such as?

Come in here. I didn't want to come here.

Mr Roper, just for a minute, try putting yourself in your wife's place.

What? Oh, yeah, all right then. Oh, sit down.

You see, she feels that your marriage needs help.

Now, when did you first think that things were starting to go wrong?

When we were walking down the aisle.

He stood on my train and ripped it right off.

I've forgotten about that.

That's when the old congregation saw what was boring and what was blue.

It was just an accident, Mildred.

Perhaps we should concentrate on the things that you have in common.

Well, you must have some things in common.

Very tricky.

We both don't like tapioca pudding.

I do, George.

Well, apart from her, that is.

We spend a lot of time talking about the telly. Ah.

She wants it off and I want it on. I like it.

Yes, you certainly do.

He's stuck in front of it from the test car to that dark poem at the end.

If the world blew up, he wouldn't notice until it came on the ten o 'clock news.

Oh, I'm not that bad. I have to wear my oven gloves to switch it off.

I see.

Well, you do seem to be a little incompatible.

Yeah, I am a bit. It's this chair. It's a bit hard, isn't it?

Oh, well, shall we make ourselves more comfortable? Why?

Would you like a cup of tea? Oh, thank you. Well, do sit down. Thank you. And I

won't be a moment.

George, you're just not trying.

I mean, if you think that you... What are you doing?

I'm just having a look.

I bet they've got some interesting cases in a place like this.

Those are confidential...

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Oh, George.

Oh, dear.

The things some people get up to must be double -jointed. Oh.

Just put them away. Go on.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Here we are.

Mrs Roper, those files are confidential.

Oh, well, I mean... I knew I should have locked them away, but... Stop it.

But I wasn't looking at... I mean, shall we sit down?

Yes, I mean...

Yes, please.

Sugar? Yes, but I mean, I would never have... Where were we? We were talking

about what we had in common.

Oh, yes. Did you think of anything?

No. Oh, well.

Well, how about the physical side of your relationship?

Ah.

Is that satisfactory?

Well,

now. Will you star or shall I?

That's... of our marriage, it's very, very private.

It certainly is.

Even I don't know about it sometimes.

I do my duty.

Oh, Mr Roper, you shouldn't look on it as a duty. Oh, don't tell him that.

It's the only edge I've got.

I wouldn't mind, you know, if he was a bit romantic sometimes.

If he took me out.

Oh, I took you to the wrestling match at the Town Hall. Yeah, and it reminded me

of what I was missing.

He doesn't like dancing. He never takes me out to dancing. He doesn't like it.

Yes, I do. I watch Terry Wogan every Saturday.

No, I've found he's got another woman. Oh, blimey.

Really? Yes.

Dorothy, these are her letters. They're private letters. Oh, Mr Roper, this will

be completely confidential.

Yeah, like Mr and Mrs Higgins on the trampoline. Very confidential.

I'm not having it, Mildred. Surely a full and frank discussion can only help.

Very likely. You two carry on. I'm going home. George!

Should I make a further appointment for you?

Ah.

Well, he's fast asleep.

Dropped off just as the secret five were trapped in the smuggler's cave.

I can hardly wait till tomorrow to find out what happens.

Enjoy it while you can. There won't be another one for you to read to.

Now, look, Anne, are we going to have an argument about this?

Not at all.

Good. As a matter of fact, I've made an appointment for you at St Barnaby's.

Two o 'clock tomorrow.

What?

Apparently there's no pain, just a local anaesthetic and snip -snip.

Snip -snip? There may be three. Snip -snip. Snip, snip. Don't do that.

Then they sew you up.

They sew me up?

Well, they can't do it with sellotape, Geoffrey.

Two o 'clock tomorrow.

Ah, well, I haven't actually made a final decision on this.

I mean, it is a drastic step to take.

Not at all.

Snip, snip. Yes, but...

You see, these books, they cost money and they have only been read to one

and two o 'clock tomorrow is a bit sudden.

So you think you should postpone it for a month or so? Well, if you say so, yes.

Or perhaps even longer. A year.

Oh, Geoffrey.

Let's have an early night and discuss it. Oh, good idea.

Well,

I saw it sort of every day and eventually fell in love.

Eventually we got married.

and it's my wedding day. Well, that seems like yesterday.

And I wish it was tomorrow, because I'd cancel it.

But anyway, she looked marvellous on the wedding day. She was married in white,

actually. She'd just finished her shift at the flower mill.

In actual fact, we had a marvellous wedding.

Rubbish. I don't know what they were laughing at.

Do you know what they were laughing at?

Neither do I.

Mildred, you haven't said a word to me since we've come back from the wasp's

name. Aren't you ever going to say anything to me again?

Shut up.

That's more like it.

I've been thinking.

Perhaps I should tell you about Dorothy. I like to.

I've never told anybody else how I feel about her. Except her?

Well, that's it, you see. I didn't send them. I sort of... Well, I admired her

from a distance, so to speak.

Who is she, George?

Well, I feel a bit foolish.

I wrote them to Dorothy L 'Amour.

It's all right.

Well, the film's... You know, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby. Well, they were fan

letters. Oh, why didn't you tell me, George?

Because I thought you'd laugh at me. Oh, fancy thinking that I'd... George,

oh, love.